Fleeting Moments

There is a reason why we ‘Fall’ in love, maybe it’s because we fall from a place of familiarity to the realms unknown to us before. We fall, we stumble, we twirl, we curl, we feel so much, from nothing to everything at once. It’s a state of change. It’s our hearts falling from a state of plateau and into state of arrhythmic revolting sensations. Every fiber in our bodies falling from a state of sensory comatose to sensory over load. It’s a continuous state of falling from places, feeling high and falling again. It’s a roll coaster. And you know what they say about roll coasters? They are exhilarating! 

Weekly Photo Challenge: Ephemeral
Glass

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Finally….

I thought I could build barricade for my words, conceal them, imprison them, hide them. But boy oh boy was I wrong. The words were too strong for any barricade to hold. They demolished the high rise walls of my insecurities and flowed with high tide of emotions, crashing mercilessly against the paper. The thoughts that were held captive for far too long, broke to their freedom in a magical moment of catharsis,finding their release out from my restless fingers. Finally, the freedom they always craved for, was granted to them and my aching heart was set free.

I’ve Lost Again.

I thought my heart could know no more pain..
But i was wrong.
Today it hurts so much… I feel like it would burst..
Burst into spontaneous flames… And turn into dust…
That is how much it hurts.

But these words? Aren’t enough.
Today it hurts too much…
Today all I know is pain..
And I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be the same.

And the day after that, and the day after too…
till I lose all sense of time and space.

Please God, oh please tear this heart away,
I don’t want a heart that causes so much pain..
Today words fail me to explain.

Today this heart will turn to ashes, and I’ll take it in my hands and throw it towards the sky.. in hopes that it will mix with rain.. come back to Earth, washed and anew again.
Either that or disappear into the thin air so I won’t get to feel this way all over again.

Today it hurts too much… Too too much,
since words fail me over and over.

I really really hope this heart turns to dust, as it is already crushed…

For I’ve lost again…
And I cannot comprehend why do I get so little time,
With people I love…

I know I’m being selfish here,
There are people who must be hurting much more than us,
But I’ve been called selfish before,
Let’s not prove them wrong anymore.

So I’m being selfish, yes.
But today It’s hurting too much..
For I’ve lost someone…
Just like the time before that, and the time before that.

Is it because I do not deserve love?
Or is it because that’s how life works?
Whatever it is, all I know is, I lose people…
Too early and Too damn much.

Peace Of The Present Moment (Rest In peace: Part 2)

We made our way to my brother ‘M’ house, with me sitting in the back seat as the little rays of sunlight escaped the clouds and some of them fell on my face. It had such peace and calmness that for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Maybe when I’ll wake up I’ll find out all of this was just a dream. A horrible dream. But sadly this wasn’t the case.

My 6 months 3 days old niece has in fact passed away and I’m going to attend her funeral.

As I mentioned before in part 1, it is quite hard for me to cry in front of somebody but as we approached the house, I started to feel a little teary. The closer we got, the greater was the urge to cry.

I entered the house and saw my sister-in-law sitting on the sofa.  As soon as I saw her and she saw me, I just ran into her and cried. We cried in each other arms for sometime and then she led me to my little niece’s dead body.

That angelic face, as white as a pearl, those pink lips pursed together. Her eyes closed. It was like she was sleeping a peaceful sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch her but was afraid I may break her fragile body.

So I just stood there, looking at her and cried…

What else could I do after all? There was nothing I could do in my power to bring her back. To make her open her eyes again and give me one of her million dollar smiles that could easily melt a diamond.

I asked for my brother, in a voice that didn’t belong to me, it was just a hoarse whisper, Even I could barely hear myself…

My brother came and I just hugged him hard, burying my head into his chest and bursting into tears…..and cried, cried and cried in his arms…I don’t know for how long we held each other, with him patting my back and me wailing helplessly in his arms.

He led me to the bed where her little fragile body, wrapped in a black cloth, was lying and sat on a stool close to her. And I stood behind him, caressing his hair, rubbing his back, putting my head on his shoulder and crying.  Telling him to have patience, When I myself have seemed to run out of it.

What else could I tell him?
How are you suppose to cope with a loss this big?

I couldn’t help but think if I was feeling so sad, feeling her absence, what about her parents?
How would they feel when they will lay at night to sleep and feel her absence between them?
When their house won’t ring with her laughter and chuckle anymore?
This fact made me cry much more. I wasn’t feeling my pain alone, It was of my brother’s and my sister-in-law’s as well.

I don’t know for how long I sat there, watching her body and eventually they took her lifeless body to bury.

I imagined my brother laying her own daughter to her grave, the pain he must’ve felt. How powerless he must’ve felt.
How can you bury someone you love 6 feet under the ground? Watch over as the soil covers their body and embraces their remains as her own? How do you just walk away after burying them? From where do you find the strength?

I don’t have any of the answers to that. I’m just as naive as anybody else out there.

On our way back from the funeral, I saw people engrossed with their lives. Children playing outside. Young boys goofing around, throwing punches at each other. Men on their way to earn bread or back. Women busy with shopping and gossiping.

How naive they all were. Here we are mourning a loss but they don’t know about it. They were all just happy and satisfied. Continuing with their lives. Without a clue about our loss.

And then I realized….It isn’t about what I should’ve done….I should’ve spent more time with my niece and my brother but that didn’t matter. It isn’t about what I should’ve done , anymore.

It’s about what I should do NOW.
Because NOW is the moment we live in, not BEFORE, not AFTER…It is NOW !

I have to stay strong for the sake of everybody else, including my own. If it’s about “Living in the moment” then I’m all up for that. Because THIS is the moment that matters.

Tell the people you love that, You Love Them. Don’t wait up because life is too short.
Don’t think they already know that and it doesn’t matter if I don’t say it loud, because IT DOES!
It does matter.
Every hour, every minute, every second matters.

Every word, every meaning, every sentence matters.

Everything you do in your life matters !

Spend time with people you love, tell them frequently you love them, because you can never know what will happen next. Believe me, you won’t like to live with the remorse of not spending enough time with your loved ones.

These games, this Internet, the T.v…All of this stuff which you think is important, ISN’T !

So, STOP for a minute, Take a deep breath.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Make a list of all the things which you think are important in you life and evaluate yourself.
Does these things really matter or are you just so in over your head that you are missing the big picture.

Life is too short to play games.
Take chances. Stay strong.
And most importantly don’t miss out on the “Peace Of The Present Moment“.

(You can find Rest In Peace: Part 1 here : https://lifeconfusions.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/rest-in-peace-part-1/ )

WITHOUT A WORD

Have you ever felt like saying something but finding yourself not being able to say it ? Well I’ve been feeling this way lately !

I think I’ve always wanted to say somethings that are on my mind since my childhood but i always find myself not being able to say them.The worst part is i just realized that now !

I’ve never felt the need because i never realized it, or more accurately,never Recognized it before … but now the feeling to say those things has struck me like a lightning bolt striking a barren land with nothing but empty space around it….absolute silence but just the sound of thunder rumbling , growling and wailing inside of me…..trying so hard to be heard .

Its nobody’s fault in particular that they don’t see or hear what i want to say so badly because lets admit it I’ve never said it !

How can some one hear you when you don’t even say it ?

But I’ve heard all the time that some people can understand you by just looking at you….by just a mere look they can tell whats wrong with you…Is it just a void concept with no proof or does something like this actually exists?

Does someone exist like that for me? Who’ll understand me by just looking at my face , in my eyes and recognize the cry in my silence ? Is there some one ?
I need to tell some one about the agony , the war going on inside of me but once again and as always…..i find myself……WITHOUT A WORD !

(The title of this ‘LifeConfusion’ is based on the song “Without a word” by Birdy )