Well Well Well….

Uhem *Clears Throat*
tumblr_static_hello_-_the_masterAnybody there?!
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So, Uhem, What’s up Ladies and Gents?!!
tumblr_lvtqujHmBv1qjabl6o1_500I know I know, What are y’all thinking…Yes, I’m alive. Barley made it out from the other end but yeah alive.

So where was I all this time?

*scratches head*

Wellllll….I wish I had a perfectly good explanation for it…I sat here thinking for the longest time to come up with a perfect explanation but there isn’t any, to be honest. Or maybe there is I just can’t put it to words. I just needed time and space to clear my head, or so I thought. One day I just decided to get away from everything connected to this blog, any related accounts, everything. So I did. Why I didn’t inform beforehand? Well I just came out from hiatus like what? A week or two ago from this? It just felt inappropriate to go again and make a big deal out of it all. I challenged myself to be away for one week only, just to set a realistic goal, then I found out I can do this so it just extended as finals came up and now how long has it been? One month and 20 days? Well who was counting anyways *Puft*

I can say I had final exams, but those were way later in the start of February, January was a whirlwind too. I didn’t expect 2015 to be awesome or good to me, All I wanted was for it to be better than 2014 at least. Guess what? It proved to be way more shittier than 2014 and it’s just the start of the year. Hah! What can I say…JUST-MY-FUCKING-LUCK ! -_-

(This post is going to have shit load of sarcasm because that’s how I feel since my life has been unicorns shooting rainbows out of their assess since the day this year started, please notice the happiness dripping out of my words! ^.^ )

So did this break from blogging do me any good? Aiiiinnnn, Not so much. I’m stuck right where I was before, same old same old. Except now I have some more shit for me to whine about here. Hola!!! SO EXCITED -__-

Screaming_internallyLet the whining begin:

I worked my ass off for finals. I think it’s safe to say I haven’t studied so hard in my life before. I’m used to sacrificing my sleep for exams, but usually that’s just a week before the exam and during the exam season but this time around I started prepping three full weeks beforehand. I swear to God sitting from 3 am to 6 pm and onwards continuously in the same spot studying like you are a donkey for so many weeks is such a great feeling! Like honestly I wouldn’t even believe myself but time flies by when you sit with a course book in front of you at 3 am with so much to study and suddenly it’s 6 pm and whatt??!! I have been sitting at the same fucking spot for so long??? I have developed acute lumbar back pain which I’m sure is ready to turn chronic If I don’t start taking care of it.

Not to mention the compliments I’ve gotten on my dark circles, “Hey your Mascara/Eye Liner is running down your eyes”

Me: *Looks in the mirror* And to my absolute horror, “Oh These….are actually my dark circles.”  That is how deep they have impinged themselves on my face that now it seems like makeup has run down my eyes. Another awesome feeling to have! #SoGrateful! :’) (Girls, any good concealers you are willing to recommend here would be of great help 😉 )

Just a week before my finals were about to start, I got ghastly sick. I have never been this sick in my life before. Either it was my mental exhaustion taking a physical toll on me or someone did voodoo on me for sure. Also I got to know how fucking great it feels to throw up. Believe it or not I had not vomited since I was very very little, totally forgot how It felt, but hey life was like “what, you forgot? Puft, Let me remind you bitch” So then that started. (Well it was partially my fault, took a heavy antibiotic with an almost empty stomach. In my defense, I said ‘Almost’ not completely empty.)

What? You think it ends there? Oh no that was just the start of my health decline graph. As I have never been so sick in my life before, let alone during exams, and that DURING FINALS, I just could not afford to be sick, I had no choice but to keep studying, no adequate rest and shit so I had to take bunch of pills to keep myself going. I had not taken so many pills in my life before as I had to take in one go at one time during the day in the past few weeks. Couple of 650 mg’s antibiotics against fever, cold, sore throat and whatnot. Then just a day before my Biochemistry exam I had severe respiratory congestion. #FeelingBlessed :’)

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But hey you can’t die since you have exam the very next day ! 🙂

I could not breathe and I totally thought I was gonna die or worst not being able to give the exam the next day which I worked so hard for. Anyways I did give the exam somehow, To be honest it’s still a little blur though, Just between you and me,  I think it’s because I was a bit high from all the pills.

So what I have ended up with is a gag reflex of a two years old. My Gag reflex has become so strong I can throw up on a drop of a hat now, like seriously.  Oh and what a marvelous feeling it is to have experienced after so long and so frequently now! Just like oozing out rainbows ! Yaeyyyy for that! \o/ #SweetLife -_-

So throughout this time I was bound to have number of mental breakdowns which I would categorize as follows:

#1 Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

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Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

#2 Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

#3 Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

#4 The most Dangerous of them all: Meredith Breakdown!

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Still stuck on this stage.

Oh and that’s only tip of the iceberg shit that happened during the time I was gone. I’d rather skip the other shit filled details in my life that happened along the way, they are not half as fun to write about. So in a nutshell I’m completely and utterly, physically, more so mentally exhausted by now.


THE BEST THING THOUGH:

I opened my blog after so long aaaaaaaaaaaandddddd
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A huge thanks to  Jithin, Nad , Rob, Upasana for checking up on me while I was away by leaving such sweet and concerning comments for me to read when I came back.

Trent, Thank you for buying Chords of Life and updating me about it!

Saadia, thank you for the Real Neat Blog Award.

Thankssss to Maryam, for joining me on my blogging journey and leaving so many beautiful and heart warming comments. Welcome to all the other new readers who have joined in and followed. I’ll meet you up on your blogs soon ❤

A special thanks to Maria, Bhakti and Kruti for keeping me sane and as a constant support behind the curtains.

There are so many comments I have got to reply to, Just let me get back on my blogging feet, I’ll reply soon and start catching up on what you guys have been up to on your blogs as well! It’s not entirely possible for me to catch up on each and every one of your posts since the past month and more, so please feel free to leave a link to any of the old posts you might  want me to give a read, I would love to check them out!

I hope you guys would forgive me for this unannounced break. See ya soon ❤ ❤

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Don’t forget I LOVE YOUUUU all…!!!

I’ll be back !

Hey guys and gals !!! How are Y’all doing?

My doomsday is starting from tomorrow which means “exams” to be precise !
I won’t be able to write in the meantime, neither will I be able to visit other amazing blogs.  I’ll be going on hiatus for a week. I’ll try to post some music at least so the blog doesn’t get dried up.

Also I know I’ve not been able to visit my fellow blogs that much lately either but that’s only because I was busy preparing for my exams and Med school is grueling as it is. I try my best to sneak in on other blogs and read their amazing work of art whenever I can. Please forgive me if I had not been able to visit you, I appreciate all of you awesome people for taking some time to read my immature writing trials. Thank you.

I’ve gained some new following, Thank you to them as well for joining me. Maybe I’ve not been able to visit your brilliant blog yet but I’ll pop in as soon as my exams are over. Thanks for deciding to stick with me and my blog.

I’ve received  awards from these two beautiful ladies
1: Annie of Anniemation Floe  for The liebster Award.

2:Tlohuis (Walk with me on my journey of illness to the road of happiness and a life of fulfillment) who awarded me with Most Influential Blogger Award

I’ve recently been nominated for Blog of the year 2013 award by Shaun (Looking for reasoning to a complicated world ).

I’ve not been able to tend to them properly but I’ll write the posts as soon as my exams are over.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you guys for all your love and support, I couldn’t be any happier!!! (A Note to others: You better check their blogs out or you’ll have nightmares for the whole next week 😀 )

Have a great week ahead. I’ll be back as soon as I can !
Love you all ! ❤

The Real Me

Daily Prompt: Intense!

Describe the last time you were surprised by the intensity of a feeling you had about something, or were surprised at how strongly you reacted to something you thought wouldn’t be a big deal.
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The other day I was goofing around with my friends, we are seven in number, quite a large group we have, yeah I know!
Along the way, just between the lines, playfully, between cracking jokes one of my very good friend said that I’m a little clever (She meant that NOT in a good way). I was a little taken aback by her revelation.

I obviously ignored it superficially but it was on my mind all day long, it still is and I think it always will be. She is kind of one of my best friends from that group and for her to think of me like that was a surprise (and not a good one!). I’ve to admit it did hurt me deeply. I’as really surprised by how intense I felt about it.

It is true to some extent that friends can tell you things that you may miss in your personality. They can help you to be a better person. They can help you to improve yourself.
But it is a fact as well that, who knows you better than yourself??? No matter how close the other person is to you, they can’t know you better than yourself. If you look a little closely, dig a little deeper within yourself you’ll see the real you. You’ll see who you really are. No matter what others say, you know yourself better than others.

I’ve always wondered this all my life, Why do people always fail to see the Real Me? Yes I admit I can be a little quite at times, I don’t express my feelings that vigorously, my words are sometimes not that explainable and my actions are not that understandable but they are always with a good intent in my heart. That doesn’t give anybody a right to judge me. Does it?

Nobody in my life has ever been able to see the Real Me, Except maybe my dad to some extent and my best friend ‘S’. But why do other people fail to see the real me???
Yes I can “seem” to be a little distant at times, I can “seem” to come out as being cold but why don’t they look around that exterior and see ME. The compassionate, kind and a very sensitive Me.

The Me who cries about as little thing as seeing a frail boy selling flowers on the road. The Me who cries on watching a beautiful scenery. The Me who cries when somebody calls her selfish.

The Me who cares about showing kindness. The Me who cares about their every problem. The Me whose heart aches for when I see them suffering. The Me who cries for them in the dark.

The Me who may not show them how much I love them but really care for them deep down in my heart.

Why?

Is it so much to ask to see the real me? Is it that hard?

Why?

I’ve come to a conclusion though, It is always going to hurt me when people will judge me, when people will fail to see the real me. But I can’t really do anything about it.
What matters is that I’m happy with who I am. I’m glad that when I look inside myself I see a good person. I see exactly the person I wanna be.

I guess that gives me hope. Maybe someday, someone will come along who will see me for who I am. Take a one look at me and understand all the things unsaid.

But that day, that someone has not come yet. That day is not today. Today I’ll be hurting…

Scared-Phobia


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I still remember to this day, The trigger of my phobia. I’ve heard it is very unusual for people to remember their trigger. They usually suppress the memories. But I remember it as clear as a day.

It was about 10 years ago, I was in Karachi (Largest city of Pakistan) to meet some relatives,  we had just arrived there and on our way from train station to their house.  My Aunt came to pick us up and I was sitting in the car in the back seat with my mom. We came across a U-turn and my aunt told my mom that a man was killed right there. She went about telling the whole story of the murder(which I don’t remember clearly) as I listened to it.

That was the day after which I started to get scared. Really scared. I was scared of being alone in the dark. Afraid that something or someone will get to me. Kill me. I don’t know what this phobia is called medically to this day. But all i know is, it wasn’t just a normal fear. I was paranoid !
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I was scared of everything that moved in the dark. I always thought there was something lurking in the dark waiting for me to close my eyes and it’ll jump out and grab me.
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And the worst part was it wasn’t only when I was alone, even if somebody was sleeping with me I would always feel a presence with me. I would still be as much scared.

I guess I can say that I was actually scared that somebody was gonna kill me.
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I can’t count the sleepless nights I spent rolling in the bed. I was scared even to roll to my side as I was sure something will attack me if my back is to it. So I always laid on my back, face facing upward and trying to look side to side with my two eyes (although at that time I wished I had four eyes so I could look everywhere).

For more than 10 years,  I had to endure this fear. It was really hard for me to cope with it. I still remember the fear and the darkness I felt lying on my little bed. Wanting to sleep so bad but wasn’t able to.
Everything in the dark was my enemy and I had to fight a really hard battle.

I was afraid to watch any horror movie or drama or anything like that.
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I don’t know why but with time that fear started to subside. I started to become less and less conscious about it as I got more involved and busy with my studies.
I was afraid to watch horror movies as I mentioned before, but when I saw it once, I found out I wasn’t that scared of them anymore.

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I was searching for a reason, Why do we fear? I came across this answer:

Most fears are nothing but movements of thoughts. A thought is a language that we give for words, pictures and feelings. Put in a different way, a thought is just a movement of word, picture and feeling… You interpret a thought in your mind in a language that you are afraid, and you experience fear.

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As I thought more and more about it and tried to find my answer I realized why that phobia faded away.

My phobia started when I was very little, maybe 8-10 years old, usually kids of that age don’t have much to do. Studies are not that hard and there isn’t any other personal life problem, you are just so in over yourself. All you do all day is THINK!

Think about stuff…any stuff…and considering above explanation of Why do we fear, my over-imaginative mind started to imagine uncontrollably. I was little, I had nothing really to do then but as I grew up , got busy with my studies and other life problems, my mind didn’t had any space left to think about the fear too. So as I got busier and busier, the fear started to fade away.

It doesn’t mean its completely gone, its there somewhere. It takes over sometimes. But its normal, I think everybody gets scared once in a while so I’m not that worried about it anymore.

Everybody has some kind of fear. It can be a fear of being alone, fear of some animal, fear of losing someone. Admit it, EVERYBODY has fear of something but the key is not to let it rule you. You have to learn to overcome it,find the root cause of the problem and then take one step at a time.
You’ll get there one day. As i have. I’m sure!
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(Image credit: Google)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/daily-prompt-frightening/

WITHOUT A WORD

Have you ever felt like saying something but finding yourself not being able to say it ? Well I’ve been feeling this way lately !

I think I’ve always wanted to say somethings that are on my mind since my childhood but i always find myself not being able to say them.The worst part is i just realized that now !

I’ve never felt the need because i never realized it, or more accurately,never Recognized it before … but now the feeling to say those things has struck me like a lightning bolt striking a barren land with nothing but empty space around it….absolute silence but just the sound of thunder rumbling , growling and wailing inside of me…..trying so hard to be heard .

Its nobody’s fault in particular that they don’t see or hear what i want to say so badly because lets admit it I’ve never said it !

How can some one hear you when you don’t even say it ?

But I’ve heard all the time that some people can understand you by just looking at you….by just a mere look they can tell whats wrong with you…Is it just a void concept with no proof or does something like this actually exists?

Does someone exist like that for me? Who’ll understand me by just looking at my face , in my eyes and recognize the cry in my silence ? Is there some one ?
I need to tell some one about the agony , the war going on inside of me but once again and as always…..i find myself……WITHOUT A WORD !

(The title of this ‘LifeConfusion’ is based on the song “Without a word” by Birdy )