Human Nature

Good Day

For me any day spent watching the sun go down is a good day.

For me any day spent watching the sun go down is a good day.

It’s very easy to like people, to love them. ‘Love’ not just the relationship and romantic kind of love: love in so many colors, in so many layers, in so many different ways- in a broader , wider, vaster perspective. I never understand why we label love as something to do with attraction and personal attachment. I think it’s very easy to fall in love with the way someone’s smile lights up the room, to fall in love with the way they listen to you and understand, to fall in love with the way they are kind, humble and compassionate. And all of this without the typical standards in which we label ‘love’ or Maybe that’s just me.

That is not what I want to write about today though, about how easy it is to fall in love for people. But how easy it is to fall out of love for them. And again “Love” not in it’s typical sense. We get to know people , we start to like them, we make a certain image of them in our minds that they are like this, they aren’t like that etc. So basically we hold them to certain standards. Which is a part of human nature and completely understandable. We can’t help but expect them to behave a certain way, the way we think they are supposed to act all the time. But then one day, we see a completely different side of them. A side we had not seen before, a side which is usually dark, twisted and a destructive blow to the standards we hold them to. And we think this is not the person we thought we knew. This person has changed or this person is completely different from what we perceived earlier.

So just like that, in one moment, we start to think differently of them. Which up until now is not in our complete control. Our human nature which is flawed and defective plays a role in changing our perspective of a certain person. But it’s alright. It happens.

What we do after, however, is definitely in our control. At most if not at all. I’m in the process of learning and understanding human condition takes a lifetime, but I’m sharing what I’ve learned so far. I’ve seen from experience that what usually happens is that we run the other way, we essentially fall out of love of the traits of a person we initially loved. As our perspective of the person shatters, as the standards we held them to; they fail to meet, we just leave them to be and look the other way, thinking this person was not who I thought he/she was. And just like that we turn our backs. Isn’t that what usually happens? I think in most cases it does. More often than not.

One slip of a moment is enough to let us fall out of love for a person. We see the dark side, we see their demons, we see them lash out, we see them flare in anger and…poof.

At this point, is where we can change. The point which is mostly in our control. We should hate only that one trait of them rather than the whole person. Let me correct myself, Hate is a rather strong word. We start seeing them in a different light. We see a side we had not seen before and we define them by it. We define them by a moment they slipped up.

We have to realize that we should to let a moment define others, we should not let a moment define ourselves. A moment is just that; A moment. And that’s it. We all have our demons, we all have our worse nights, we all have our worse days, we all have a dark side.

What would it make us as a person if we ran the other way when we caught a glimpse of their dark side? Who doesn’t have their worst days? Who doesn’t struggle with keeping a straight head? Who doesn’t lose once a while to their demons?! You do, I do, We do, All of us do. Each and every one of us is struggling one way or another.

What I’m trying to say here is, rather than falling out of love for them, we should probably love them a little more. We should love them enough to defeat their demons. We should love them more so they know that they are allowed to lose it once a while and still not be judged by it. That breaking down is fine. That it’s very human to do so.

We are so perfectly imperfect, flawed, glitched, crooked, fallacious, awry, confused and so much more. Much much more than those few words and that is what makes us humans at the end of the day. Nobody is perfect, we say and hear that a lot. But I think very few of us truly believe in it. Very few of us truly understand it And very few of us are willing to hold people to the imperfections in their nature.

Loving people when they least expect you to do so can do miracles. To love people- when they can’t love themselves, when they run out of love for themselves, when the dark side takes over, when there demons have their hold- is the best thing you can do to another person as a fellow human being. And that is exactly where the perfection in the perfectly imperfect nature of humans lies.
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Note: Special thanks to my twinnie Maria for helping me 
realize all that.

Well Well Well….

Uhem *Clears Throat*
tumblr_static_hello_-_the_masterAnybody there?!
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So, Uhem, What’s up Ladies and Gents?!!
tumblr_lvtqujHmBv1qjabl6o1_500I know I know, What are y’all thinking…Yes, I’m alive. Barley made it out from the other end but yeah alive.

So where was I all this time?

*scratches head*

Wellllll….I wish I had a perfectly good explanation for it…I sat here thinking for the longest time to come up with a perfect explanation but there isn’t any, to be honest. Or maybe there is I just can’t put it to words. I just needed time and space to clear my head, or so I thought. One day I just decided to get away from everything connected to this blog, any related accounts, everything. So I did. Why I didn’t inform beforehand? Well I just came out from hiatus like what? A week or two ago from this? It just felt inappropriate to go again and make a big deal out of it all. I challenged myself to be away for one week only, just to set a realistic goal, then I found out I can do this so it just extended as finals came up and now how long has it been? One month and 20 days? Well who was counting anyways *Puft*

I can say I had final exams, but those were way later in the start of February, January was a whirlwind too. I didn’t expect 2015 to be awesome or good to me, All I wanted was for it to be better than 2014 at least. Guess what? It proved to be way more shittier than 2014 and it’s just the start of the year. Hah! What can I say…JUST-MY-FUCKING-LUCK ! -_-

(This post is going to have shit load of sarcasm because that’s how I feel since my life has been unicorns shooting rainbows out of their assess since the day this year started, please notice the happiness dripping out of my words! ^.^ )

So did this break from blogging do me any good? Aiiiinnnn, Not so much. I’m stuck right where I was before, same old same old. Except now I have some more shit for me to whine about here. Hola!!! SO EXCITED -__-

Screaming_internallyLet the whining begin:

I worked my ass off for finals. I think it’s safe to say I haven’t studied so hard in my life before. I’m used to sacrificing my sleep for exams, but usually that’s just a week before the exam and during the exam season but this time around I started prepping three full weeks beforehand. I swear to God sitting from 3 am to 6 pm and onwards continuously in the same spot studying like you are a donkey for so many weeks is such a great feeling! Like honestly I wouldn’t even believe myself but time flies by when you sit with a course book in front of you at 3 am with so much to study and suddenly it’s 6 pm and whatt??!! I have been sitting at the same fucking spot for so long??? I have developed acute lumbar back pain which I’m sure is ready to turn chronic If I don’t start taking care of it.

Not to mention the compliments I’ve gotten on my dark circles, “Hey your Mascara/Eye Liner is running down your eyes”

Me: *Looks in the mirror* And to my absolute horror, “Oh These….are actually my dark circles.”  That is how deep they have impinged themselves on my face that now it seems like makeup has run down my eyes. Another awesome feeling to have! #SoGrateful! :’) (Girls, any good concealers you are willing to recommend here would be of great help 😉 )

Just a week before my finals were about to start, I got ghastly sick. I have never been this sick in my life before. Either it was my mental exhaustion taking a physical toll on me or someone did voodoo on me for sure. Also I got to know how fucking great it feels to throw up. Believe it or not I had not vomited since I was very very little, totally forgot how It felt, but hey life was like “what, you forgot? Puft, Let me remind you bitch” So then that started. (Well it was partially my fault, took a heavy antibiotic with an almost empty stomach. In my defense, I said ‘Almost’ not completely empty.)

What? You think it ends there? Oh no that was just the start of my health decline graph. As I have never been so sick in my life before, let alone during exams, and that DURING FINALS, I just could not afford to be sick, I had no choice but to keep studying, no adequate rest and shit so I had to take bunch of pills to keep myself going. I had not taken so many pills in my life before as I had to take in one go at one time during the day in the past few weeks. Couple of 650 mg’s antibiotics against fever, cold, sore throat and whatnot. Then just a day before my Biochemistry exam I had severe respiratory congestion. #FeelingBlessed :’)

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But hey you can’t die since you have exam the very next day ! 🙂

I could not breathe and I totally thought I was gonna die or worst not being able to give the exam the next day which I worked so hard for. Anyways I did give the exam somehow, To be honest it’s still a little blur though, Just between you and me,  I think it’s because I was a bit high from all the pills.

So what I have ended up with is a gag reflex of a two years old. My Gag reflex has become so strong I can throw up on a drop of a hat now, like seriously.  Oh and what a marvelous feeling it is to have experienced after so long and so frequently now! Just like oozing out rainbows ! Yaeyyyy for that! \o/ #SweetLife -_-

So throughout this time I was bound to have number of mental breakdowns which I would categorize as follows:

#1 Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

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Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

#2 Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

#3 Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

#4 The most Dangerous of them all: Meredith Breakdown!

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Still stuck on this stage.

Oh and that’s only tip of the iceberg shit that happened during the time I was gone. I’d rather skip the other shit filled details in my life that happened along the way, they are not half as fun to write about. So in a nutshell I’m completely and utterly, physically, more so mentally exhausted by now.


THE BEST THING THOUGH:

I opened my blog after so long aaaaaaaaaaaandddddd
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A huge thanks to  Jithin, Nad , Rob, Upasana for checking up on me while I was away by leaving such sweet and concerning comments for me to read when I came back.

Trent, Thank you for buying Chords of Life and updating me about it!

Saadia, thank you for the Real Neat Blog Award.

Thankssss to Maryam, for joining me on my blogging journey and leaving so many beautiful and heart warming comments. Welcome to all the other new readers who have joined in and followed. I’ll meet you up on your blogs soon ❤

A special thanks to Maria, Bhakti and Kruti for keeping me sane and as a constant support behind the curtains.

There are so many comments I have got to reply to, Just let me get back on my blogging feet, I’ll reply soon and start catching up on what you guys have been up to on your blogs as well! It’s not entirely possible for me to catch up on each and every one of your posts since the past month and more, so please feel free to leave a link to any of the old posts you might  want me to give a read, I would love to check them out!

I hope you guys would forgive me for this unannounced break. See ya soon ❤ ❤

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Don’t forget I LOVE YOUUUU all…!!!

I Don’t Care.

No matter how many times I’ve said it or how much I’d like to believe otherwise, I do care what people think or how they perceive me. I do care of my image in their minds, I do care. I wish that I didn’t but I do. It makes me hold back about a lot of things that I want to do, The very small simplest of things that I know makes me happy.

Sometimes I want to lay down on the green lush grass and look at the bright clear blue sky, Follow the fluffy clouds, make shapes out of them and then close my eyes and sleep in the mild hot sun.

There are times when I see an empty road at night and I imagine myself lying in the middle of it, the cold hard pavement against my back and gazing at the star lit sky. Trying to count the infinite stars, bask in the glory of magical space with galaxies and milky ways. And Just lay there. Alone.

Then there are moments when I see an empty track, in the cold morning when nobody is out of their homes yet, and there is still some fog , quiet and calm and I just want to run…as fast as I can. Not run, Sprint. Sprint for as far as I can and stop at some green lush space and fall back on the ground, My lungs grasping for air, my heaving chest in sweet agony. Blood pumping through every vein of my body and just lay there.

But I don’t do any of that. Because I don’t know how I could. What would people around me think? Maybe a part of me is afraid..I don’t know ‘of what’ either. In a nutshell,There is always something…Something holding me back, something I’m afraid of and for now I can’t change that. So I just have to do with imagining and wishing for a lot of things to happen. Cuz that is all we can do at the end of the day…

*In response to Today’s Daily Prompt

To Think

To think,
It’s alright, when it’s not
Is the worst thing to go through alone.

To think,
That everything will b alright,
Is a false hope.

To think,
Memories will fade,
Leave you alone and go away,
Is not going to happen
Just so you know.

To think
So many things,
Is not a blessing nor a cure
But a curse.

To think, To think, To think…

Scared-Phobia


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I still remember to this day, The trigger of my phobia. I’ve heard it is very unusual for people to remember their trigger. They usually suppress the memories. But I remember it as clear as a day.

It was about 10 years ago, I was in Karachi (Largest city of Pakistan) to meet some relatives,  we had just arrived there and on our way from train station to their house.  My Aunt came to pick us up and I was sitting in the car in the back seat with my mom. We came across a U-turn and my aunt told my mom that a man was killed right there. She went about telling the whole story of the murder(which I don’t remember clearly) as I listened to it.

That was the day after which I started to get scared. Really scared. I was scared of being alone in the dark. Afraid that something or someone will get to me. Kill me. I don’t know what this phobia is called medically to this day. But all i know is, it wasn’t just a normal fear. I was paranoid !
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I was scared of everything that moved in the dark. I always thought there was something lurking in the dark waiting for me to close my eyes and it’ll jump out and grab me.
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And the worst part was it wasn’t only when I was alone, even if somebody was sleeping with me I would always feel a presence with me. I would still be as much scared.

I guess I can say that I was actually scared that somebody was gonna kill me.
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I can’t count the sleepless nights I spent rolling in the bed. I was scared even to roll to my side as I was sure something will attack me if my back is to it. So I always laid on my back, face facing upward and trying to look side to side with my two eyes (although at that time I wished I had four eyes so I could look everywhere).

For more than 10 years,  I had to endure this fear. It was really hard for me to cope with it. I still remember the fear and the darkness I felt lying on my little bed. Wanting to sleep so bad but wasn’t able to.
Everything in the dark was my enemy and I had to fight a really hard battle.

I was afraid to watch any horror movie or drama or anything like that.
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I don’t know why but with time that fear started to subside. I started to become less and less conscious about it as I got more involved and busy with my studies.
I was afraid to watch horror movies as I mentioned before, but when I saw it once, I found out I wasn’t that scared of them anymore.

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I was searching for a reason, Why do we fear? I came across this answer:

Most fears are nothing but movements of thoughts. A thought is a language that we give for words, pictures and feelings. Put in a different way, a thought is just a movement of word, picture and feeling… You interpret a thought in your mind in a language that you are afraid, and you experience fear.

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As I thought more and more about it and tried to find my answer I realized why that phobia faded away.

My phobia started when I was very little, maybe 8-10 years old, usually kids of that age don’t have much to do. Studies are not that hard and there isn’t any other personal life problem, you are just so in over yourself. All you do all day is THINK!

Think about stuff…any stuff…and considering above explanation of Why do we fear, my over-imaginative mind started to imagine uncontrollably. I was little, I had nothing really to do then but as I grew up , got busy with my studies and other life problems, my mind didn’t had any space left to think about the fear too. So as I got busier and busier, the fear started to fade away.

It doesn’t mean its completely gone, its there somewhere. It takes over sometimes. But its normal, I think everybody gets scared once in a while so I’m not that worried about it anymore.

Everybody has some kind of fear. It can be a fear of being alone, fear of some animal, fear of losing someone. Admit it, EVERYBODY has fear of something but the key is not to let it rule you. You have to learn to overcome it,find the root cause of the problem and then take one step at a time.
You’ll get there one day. As i have. I’m sure!
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(Image credit: Google)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/daily-prompt-frightening/