Well Well Well….

Uhem *Clears Throat*
tumblr_static_hello_-_the_masterAnybody there?!
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So, Uhem, What’s up Ladies and Gents?!!
tumblr_lvtqujHmBv1qjabl6o1_500I know I know, What are y’all thinking…Yes, I’m alive. Barley made it out from the other end but yeah alive.

So where was I all this time?

*scratches head*

Wellllll….I wish I had a perfectly good explanation for it…I sat here thinking for the longest time to come up with a perfect explanation but there isn’t any, to be honest. Or maybe there is I just can’t put it to words. I just needed time and space to clear my head, or so I thought. One day I just decided to get away from everything connected to this blog, any related accounts, everything. So I did. Why I didn’t inform beforehand? Well I just came out from hiatus like what? A week or two ago from this? It just felt inappropriate to go again and make a big deal out of it all. I challenged myself to be away for one week only, just to set a realistic goal, then I found out I can do this so it just extended as finals came up and now how long has it been? One month and 20 days? Well who was counting anyways *Puft*

I can say I had final exams, but those were way later in the start of February, January was a whirlwind too. I didn’t expect 2015 to be awesome or good to me, All I wanted was for it to be better than 2014 at least. Guess what? It proved to be way more shittier than 2014 and it’s just the start of the year. Hah! What can I say…JUST-MY-FUCKING-LUCK ! -_-

(This post is going to have shit load of sarcasm because that’s how I feel since my life has been unicorns shooting rainbows out of their assess since the day this year started, please notice the happiness dripping out of my words! ^.^ )

So did this break from blogging do me any good? Aiiiinnnn, Not so much. I’m stuck right where I was before, same old same old. Except now I have some more shit for me to whine about here. Hola!!! SO EXCITED -__-

Screaming_internallyLet the whining begin:

I worked my ass off for finals. I think it’s safe to say I haven’t studied so hard in my life before. I’m used to sacrificing my sleep for exams, but usually that’s just a week before the exam and during the exam season but this time around I started prepping three full weeks beforehand. I swear to God sitting from 3 am to 6 pm and onwards continuously in the same spot studying like you are a donkey for so many weeks is such a great feeling! Like honestly I wouldn’t even believe myself but time flies by when you sit with a course book in front of you at 3 am with so much to study and suddenly it’s 6 pm and whatt??!! I have been sitting at the same fucking spot for so long??? I have developed acute lumbar back pain which I’m sure is ready to turn chronic If I don’t start taking care of it.

Not to mention the compliments I’ve gotten on my dark circles, “Hey your Mascara/Eye Liner is running down your eyes”

Me: *Looks in the mirror* And to my absolute horror, “Oh These….are actually my dark circles.”  That is how deep they have impinged themselves on my face that now it seems like makeup has run down my eyes. Another awesome feeling to have! #SoGrateful! :’) (Girls, any good concealers you are willing to recommend here would be of great help 😉 )

Just a week before my finals were about to start, I got ghastly sick. I have never been this sick in my life before. Either it was my mental exhaustion taking a physical toll on me or someone did voodoo on me for sure. Also I got to know how fucking great it feels to throw up. Believe it or not I had not vomited since I was very very little, totally forgot how It felt, but hey life was like “what, you forgot? Puft, Let me remind you bitch” So then that started. (Well it was partially my fault, took a heavy antibiotic with an almost empty stomach. In my defense, I said ‘Almost’ not completely empty.)

What? You think it ends there? Oh no that was just the start of my health decline graph. As I have never been so sick in my life before, let alone during exams, and that DURING FINALS, I just could not afford to be sick, I had no choice but to keep studying, no adequate rest and shit so I had to take bunch of pills to keep myself going. I had not taken so many pills in my life before as I had to take in one go at one time during the day in the past few weeks. Couple of 650 mg’s antibiotics against fever, cold, sore throat and whatnot. Then just a day before my Biochemistry exam I had severe respiratory congestion. #FeelingBlessed :’)

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But hey you can’t die since you have exam the very next day ! 🙂

I could not breathe and I totally thought I was gonna die or worst not being able to give the exam the next day which I worked so hard for. Anyways I did give the exam somehow, To be honest it’s still a little blur though, Just between you and me,  I think it’s because I was a bit high from all the pills.

So what I have ended up with is a gag reflex of a two years old. My Gag reflex has become so strong I can throw up on a drop of a hat now, like seriously.  Oh and what a marvelous feeling it is to have experienced after so long and so frequently now! Just like oozing out rainbows ! Yaeyyyy for that! \o/ #SweetLife -_-

So throughout this time I was bound to have number of mental breakdowns which I would categorize as follows:

#1 Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

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Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

#2 Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

#3 Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

#4 The most Dangerous of them all: Meredith Breakdown!

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Still stuck on this stage.

Oh and that’s only tip of the iceberg shit that happened during the time I was gone. I’d rather skip the other shit filled details in my life that happened along the way, they are not half as fun to write about. So in a nutshell I’m completely and utterly, physically, more so mentally exhausted by now.


THE BEST THING THOUGH:

I opened my blog after so long aaaaaaaaaaaandddddd
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A huge thanks to  Jithin, Nad , Rob, Upasana for checking up on me while I was away by leaving such sweet and concerning comments for me to read when I came back.

Trent, Thank you for buying Chords of Life and updating me about it!

Saadia, thank you for the Real Neat Blog Award.

Thankssss to Maryam, for joining me on my blogging journey and leaving so many beautiful and heart warming comments. Welcome to all the other new readers who have joined in and followed. I’ll meet you up on your blogs soon ❤

A special thanks to Maria, Bhakti and Kruti for keeping me sane and as a constant support behind the curtains.

There are so many comments I have got to reply to, Just let me get back on my blogging feet, I’ll reply soon and start catching up on what you guys have been up to on your blogs as well! It’s not entirely possible for me to catch up on each and every one of your posts since the past month and more, so please feel free to leave a link to any of the old posts you might  want me to give a read, I would love to check them out!

I hope you guys would forgive me for this unannounced break. See ya soon ❤ ❤

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Don’t forget I LOVE YOUUUU all…!!!

Yesterday, I Was Broken (2014 in review)

Brace yourselves peeps this is going to be a long one, I urge you guys to get a warm cup of coffee, put your feet up on the table and read away (An end of the year post is bound to get a bit long so just this once please give me a free pass) ! ❤

I’d been thinking of writing an end of the year post for a while now, You can say kinda like New Year’s Resolution but every time I sat to write I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I’d been feeling throughout this past year and what I wanted to say at the moment. I just couldn’t find the words to say it all, describe how and what I wanted to say. A few days ago I was going through blogs in my reader as I usually do and I came across this fabulous post by Ramisa and I instantly  knew ! I KNEW THIS WAS IT. This was everything I ever wanted to say about myself but could never summon enough strength to write this beautifully and accurately. It was quiet scary to see how true it all settled with me. Every single line is a reflection of me, mirroring my thoughts. If I could I would try to prove that somehow Ramisa has these mind-reading capabilities and she somehow got into my mind at night as I was in deep slumber and stole my thoughts but I can’t prove it (Some day Ramisa someday! 😉 Haha 😀 )

As a little introduction to Ramisa, Here is an excerpt from her About page:

“I love fluffy rabbits that walk around with cute backpacks and have an obsession with cookies-and-cream ice-cream. I love talking to people and simultaneously I appreciate being alone. A bibliophile at heart, an appreciator of technology and of food, I aspire to accomplish the (sadly) impossible goal of hugging every rabbit on this planet. But that won’t stop me from trying.”

See how adorable she is along with being an incredible writer??! What are you waiting for people? Go on, hop over to her blog, read more of her About page, discover more of her awesome posts and say Hi.

Ramisa The Authoress

Now enough with the small talk, let’s cut to the chase, With her due permission I’m sharing this post today on my blog. A huge thanks to Ramisa for letting me publish it here as a way to express myself.


Broken [adj.] having given up all hope; despairing.

Yesterday, sunlight streamed through my windows and onto my large cup of tea, which I sipped serenely. Light reflected off every wall, warmed the beige curtains and my relaxed cheeks, evolving me into a cocoon akin to wrapping myself in blankets on a winter’s night. But then, I remembered –the raspy bitterness, unbearable pain and acute hopelessness of those surrounding me; streaks of black staining their cheeks with their innermost confessions, laced with gritted teeth and wide eyes. Butterflies barged against my ribcage relentlessly, the sweetness of the tea with two-spoons-of-sugar subsiding, sunlight no longer comforting.

Yesterday, accusations of possessing a heart composed of ice were flung at me. While my mother passionately wept for lost souls on news reports, I viewed them as mere numbers; a fact I had no capacity of changing, and should therefore ignore. This apathy defined my character. Maybe this was the evident conclusion–perhaps there was, indeed, something uncanny about my heart and its persistent avoidance of emotions. It took this entire year to recognize the truth: I feel too deeply.

Yesterday, my soul gravitated towards broken people, or theirs to mine–whichever it is, I am not quite sure. I cut myself on their sharp pieces and tenderly stroked sore spots, letting their emotions gulf my own fragmented heart to dilute their emotions. Simultaneously, I verbalised the right words with honey-covered hope and sugary faith. But the emotions linger. Once they latched onto my heart, they had no intention of separating. Soon, this pain I absorbed becomes my own; scattered feelings prevent myself from functioning, often for multiple days in a row.

Yesterday, delusions of broken people preoccupied my time. Those who depicted the slightest trait of insecurity, lack of wholeheartedness or possessed evident fear received my attention and care. In the process, I became friends with mismatched personalities, recognizing only afterwards that our closeness was derived from my constant desire to fix them: I’d worry about their jagged pieces, uncover methods to assist the mending, and in essence, lose myself in them. With time, they piece themselves together and finally acknowledge the light once again; meanwhile, their darkness has suffocated me.

Yesterday, I realized that my ethereal gravitation towards broken people reveals a great amount about myself: this constant desire to help others offers distraction from my own problems. Amidst being preoccupied with issues beyond myself and responsibility, I neglect my own brokenness. Perhaps the reason behind my attraction to shattered pieces is to fill the void within myself –one, I recently found, cannot be mended with anything else except self-love.

Yesterday, I learnt one thing: you cannot fix people. They need to fix themselves. But you can love them dearly and accept them for who they are, including their shattered pieces.

***

Yesterday, I was broken, caught in a desperate routine of fixing surrounding people to avoid personal issues, allowing darkness to overshadow glimpses of light on my cheeks. I did not deserve sunlight –or so I felt. My only happiness was derived from other smiles, temporarily masking the emptiness within myself, before eventually crackling to dust; these short-lived bursts of happiness were never permanent.

Today, I am not quite healed, but I accept the sunlight warming my cheeks. Whether I’m worthy of this profound light, or if darkness is more suitable no longer poses a question. Tenderness settles within the environment, the mirror, and the light. I drink my tea in serenity without my mind inexplicably venturing through an interminable tunnel with no exit.

Tomorrow, I will love myself unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and offer the same acceptance to those around me. Although I will never stop empathizing with others –while I initially considered this trait a curse, I’ve recently acknowledged it as a beautiful gift–the constant need to fix them would fade. I will embrace every shower of light, perceiving the brilliance as a reflection of myself.

The only person I can fix is myself; little by little, the light will become my essence, my definition.


Last but by no means least, The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 25,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

I would personally like to thank each and everyone of you for sticking with me throughout this year, through thick and thins by which I mean my numerous hiatuses, weird tantrums and posts. There are awesome people who have become more than just bloggers, they are a part of my virtual community and friendships that I hold very dear to my heart.

Wish you all a Happy New Year. Cheers to another year of blogging and hopefully many more. ❤

Lots of love and Good vibes your way,
Zee ❤

(P.S A special special thanks to those people who didn’t fall asleep while reading this post and didn’t skim through it either. A big bear hug to y’all! And to people who snoozed away while reading it, I’d still give you credit for at least trying, so an A for effort! )