Heart On Fire

“Say it”, I said to him like I wanted it.

“Say what?” He asked like he knew exactly what I was talking about but choose to ask anyway just to stall the inevitable.

“You know what! C’mon free yourself from these chains. The only person you are holding down is yourself at this point. Exempt yourself from this burden.” I said with pastoral face but with a violent frenzy brewing inside me that I didn’t let surface. That threatened to destroy everything in its wake.

He was looking everywhere but at me. His eyes gazing somewhere way past my face. He pursed his lips together and stood there quiet and contemplating for a minute or two. To me it felt like those final moments where your life flashes in front of your eyes before you are hit. I swear in those moments the air between us grew hundred folds heavier. I felt it’s choke-hold around my throat as I struggled to keep a steady breath.

“I don’t love you anymore.” Five words escaped his lips. Rolled through his tongue, covered the distance between us and stabbed me right in the middle of my chest. I took a sharp intake of air as I felt the impact send surge through my body.

(Ripples. Flood. Tide.
Thunder. Riot. Chaos.
Mayhem. Turmoil. Grief.)

With that he threw his shackles away, set himself free.
And now there I stood: chained.

“A man’s heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn’t like a mother’s womb. It won’t bleed. It won’t stretch to make room for you.”- Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns.

//Just a story of a boy who never really loved her//


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( Here and Now )

SHE

I looked at her from across the hall…she was sitting besides the window, sunlight touching her flawless face, her dark brown hair loosely hanging from her shoulders, her hazel eyes gazing somewhere in the distance from out the window, one hand beneath the chin and one hand twirling something between her fingers- That beautiful creature, I sighed.

This is all what others saw, to be honest at first I did too. After all her beauty was remarkable. But this wasn’t it. There was much more to her than just a pretty face. As I watched her lost in her own thoughts, all I saw was someone who deserved nothing but unconditional love. What I saw were her scattered pieces and a tide that occasionally rose in her eyes, she was trying so hard to hide. All I saw was how she was silently screaming to be fixed. As the sunlight kissed every inch of her hair, soaking into her skin, lighting every pour on her face, I envied it, at least it was closer to her than I have ever been.

I didn’t expect her to let me in…All I wanted was to sit with her, hold her hands in mine, somehow take her pain away. Oh how I wished to just reach inside of her, hold her fragile soul delicately in my hands, nurse it, give it all the love it needed and even more. Shelter it, heal it. Even if it meant giving her away pieces of me to make her complete. I wanted to touch her face and watch it get flushed with color. I would make her complete even if it meant disintegrating myself. I would break myself to fix her brokenness. I would do anything for her. To be with her.

Maybe someday.

Today I’ll just keep looking at her from a distance like so many other times I have. Marvel in her beauty inside n out. Think of ways to love her the way she deserved. I was like a man who loved the ocean but was afraid to swim. And she; The waves; crashing my heart mercilessly, with each passing day.

A Story Of A Lifetime

When did I become so dark? When did I become the thing I so deeply despised?
This crying, whining piece of meat who doens’t feel happy. This person, I hate it.

When did this happen? I didn’t even notice the change until the transition was complete and there was no way back. How did this happen? Well I probably know how or why but when.

How did I get trapped in this confusing land? This land of ragged rocks and dark holes. High dunes which I can’t climb. Deep dark murky waters in which I can’t swim. The fear of dark holes sucking me in any moment. The fear of the unknown. The fear of not finding my my way ever. It feels like I’ve been traveling there for ages. Just end less tiring walking….sometimes dragging my feet, crawling on all fours because I can barely walk. Sometimes running, so fast I can’t even see what’s going on around me, everything passing by in a blur. Some nights spent hiding in a cave of memories. Almost every night actually. This cave is so dark and scary but it keeps me safe too. I don’t have any other choice but to stay in there. I either have to re-live the memories in that cave or die outside in the cold air, chilling me to my bones, grazing my cheeks, sucking the warmth out of my body. So I have to take help of Sadness. This warm sadness that takes over me. I nestle in its warm embrace, covered in its blanket. At least its calm in here, peaceful. Unlike outside where I have to fight, struggle for survival every day. This fight draining me, every inch of my body hurts.
Especially the heart.

Oh heart! what do I do with you?
You nonsense piece of meat
If only I could rip you out of there
And keep you safe in a box,
Buried in the ground
Deep.
So no one would access it.
So I wouldn’t feel anymore.
Oh heart I hate you so so much.

You! You are the root of my every problem.
You! You make me feel things I should not feel
You! You will be the cause of my death.
You heart you !
Yes yes you !

Oh brain don’t act so innocent now.
I know you are equally responsible for my pain.
You make me overthink.
You make me think things I should not think.
You make me see things I should not see.
You have those memories that would not leave me alone.
Yes brain, Yes , You !

Seems like every part of my body is conspiring against me to defeat me.
Well good news body, I’m already defeated.
Go leave me alone now.

Leave my soul.
Let it free.
Let it fly.

I can imagine my soul leaving this land, Slowly raising..above my body..hovering for a little while. Bidding it farewell. Last goodbye. After all she was an occupant in this piece of meat for such a long time. There was obviously an un-denying connection.Body still longing for it to come back.

Body cries…Please don’t go.
Soul says but I have to dear.
You are temporary while I’m not.
Our time together has come to an end.
I’m sorry but I have to go.

As the body looks over, the soul flies away. High, high , so high….until it is nowhere to be seen by the body. Soul disappearing into the sky..Becoming one with the clouds. Dissolving into it’s mistiness.

“Ohhhh I’m free !” The soul cries with joy. She dances above the fluffy clouds, she flies past the hovering birds. Moon seems so close from up there. Soul can almost touch it.

Solace she always craved for, She has found. Away from this world.

AT LAST SHE IS HAPPY.

In response to Daily Prompt