END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything coherent regarding my feelings and even longer since I have posted here on my blog. I’ve stopped writing for most part and when I would tell people about it all of them said one thing to me; Why? This is such a gift. To be able to put your feelings into words. Make your pain sound beautiful. So this is me trying. By the end of this two-part post I plan to achieve at least one thing; closure. Either a closure to this blog, or a closure to an era of my life. I guess we will see which one is it going to be by the end. 

The last 6 months of my university life were pretty eventful. This was the first time I was living away from home and independently, on my own. This was, for most part, one of the best period of my life. Not because it was all great but because, despite of so much drama and pain involved, I somehow emerged as a changed person finally. Not changed, as in fixed. But changed, as in stronger.

A childhood friend and I were standing on a rooftop holding sky lanterns in our hands, about to release it into the air. When she said, “wait hold on, We gotta wish for something before we do it.” so we both closed our eyes and wished. And there it went raising itself to the sky as soon as we let it go. It’s orange light seemed like hope against the black sky. We watched it fade into the night, becoming one with the stars. She turned towards me and asked, “so what did you wish for?” and I replied without a second hesitation, “To be happy”.

The one conflict most significant throughout this period was my struggle with the idea of ‘happiness’. My whole world revolved around the question ‘what is happiness’. I could not, for the life of me, understand it. Probably because it had been a long time since I had felt it. Probably because I could not comprehend why am I not happy despite of ‘seemingly’ having it all. With every single person I sat with, I used to ask them these questions, “what do you think happiness is?”, “what is happiness for you?” in desperate attempt to find some answers. I was a tangled mess. There was sadness and an obvious lack of happiness. But I lived for the moments. And these moments made me have the best time of my life.

I met so many different people, had so many amazing experiences along with some really bad ones but everything was worth it. My friend and I, once crashed some strangers wedding (we were invited but through friend of a friend and we knew nobody there except two other people). We all literally danced for 1 hour straight, ending up in a sweaty mess by the end of it. At one point even took our shoes off. Then we joined a train dance, with bride and groom on front. We danced our assess off, cuz 1)we knew nobody there and knew we were never gonna see them again either, so we went all in 2)It helped that some people on the dance floor were a bit tipsy so nobody cared what we were doing :D. It was a very memorable wedding for sure.

An extremely busy highway was once closed off due to some political protests. There was an overhead bridge which was empty as well cuz of that. Police was standing on either sides of the road monitoring. A friend and I sneaked on to the overhead bridge taking advantage of the darkness and sat in the middle of it in the shadows so nobody could spot us. We had a very deep conversation while sitting there looking over the deserted highway, scarce cars and mountains in the distance as night lights flickered. It was so beautiful, I could not stop just staring at the endless deserted highway in front of me from the top. We had to leave soon enough tho as police proceeded closer. It was quiet an adventure.

I will always remember roaming on the streets at night, eating out with almost no money in the pockets, catching an uber and just going to the first place that comes to mind. A friend took me to his (secret) favorite spot in the city. We sat on a specific corner and the whole city was widespread in front of me. It was hands down one of the best places I had been to. It was mostly quiet and very few people were roaming around as the night dawned in. It was cold winter night and we were freezing but the view was breathtaking. Breathtaking is an understatement. I could have spent an eternity there looking at the night lights; high rise distant building, cars speeding on the highways on three different sides, stadium lights flashing in the distance as the cold wind blew in my face. It felt like I was part of the night sky. The whole city looked to be immersed in million stars. The sadness in my heart acknowledging the beauty of those moments as well, while I sat on the wall trying to imprint the view into my eyes forever.

If there’s one thing I learned during this time period, it was how strong I can be. Especially two friends of mind, B and K, really helped me through it. They gave me strength when I thought I had none. It was only then I realized how insanely frail I used to ‘think’ I was. I struggled a lot with my self-worth, self-loathing and self-deterioration. There were days I was nothing but a flesh dripping with sadness unable to comprehend the person that I am. Thinking of myself as unworthy of love or care or affection. They both made me believe in myself. Of my worth. Of my ability to take decisions. I learned to see things through more positive perspective, how to take things easy and how to not give a fuck to every single person and situation in my life. I learned a lot about actions. We can apologize over and over but if our actions don’t change, the words become meaningless. You will come across so many people in your life who will claim to care for you and love you and be there for you, but there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions. Actions prove who someone actually is, words just prove who they want to be.

And just like that, Somewhere along the way, my struggle with the idea of ‘being happy’ blurred away. Perhaps I accepted the sadness as a part of me. Perhaps I accepted to be content with the moments in between. Perhaps I was happy but didn’t know I was. Perhaps I stopped looking for happiness cuz I knew the answers to my questions weren’t that easy. Perhaps I knew some day I will find it but not yet. Perhaps…

Next: Part 2 (Pain, Forgiveness and letting go)

I Am Alive

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I’m not dead.

Yes you heard that right. This is the real Zee speaking, in flesh and bone. I know I’ve been super MIA, complete radio-silence but that was need of the time. By now you all must be like “yeah yeah we’ve heard it all before.” I know I keep disappearing. Can I be forgiven?

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Please accept my apology

I’m not a efficient multi-tasker. I’ve a hard time focusing on more than few things at once. And I lose focus real soon. So it’s a neccissity I prioritize the most important tasks in hand which is my studies especially cuz it’s my last year (yes I’ll be graduating soon, all grown up and shit) and I really really needed to take care of myself (the success of which is debatable but you win some you lose some).

And in the meantime I have been left with some questionable choices. It isn’t that I regret certain things happening but I regret them happening in infinite loops, over and over again. I was naive enough to never take off my rose tinted glasses and see people for who they really were, to see reality for what it was. At this point I cannot say that I’m okay with the choices I made because I’m not. I want to call them mistakes but a mistake stops being a mistake if you keep making it, it becomes a choice sadly. And I wish I had made better choices. My failure to see reality pushed me deeper into this illusion that people can change. The fantasy in my head drove me into a constant cycle of hurt and pain. The bottom line is; If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

At some instances I feel like nothing but a fool trusting some people and never questioning their sincerity with me, not even for a fleeting moment. It is quiet handy to be skeptical at times especially when it comes to issues of trust, a lesson I learned a little too late. But oh well, nobody said life was all rainbows and roses. Sometimes you have to swallow the bitter pill no matter how hard it is to get past your throat to cleanse the toxicity eating you alive from the inside.

As for personal health, as much as I wanted to improve it during this break, it only went downhill. It had a lot to do with my beyond hectic routine of traveling and not getting enough sleep and a little too much stress. I don’t know which was greater the mental strain or the physical one. For starters I lost 12lbs during the course of 3 weeks last month. Which was very alarming because as much as it is hard to believe, my weight has been absolute constant since 8th grade, which is like since past 10 years. Nothing made it increase or decrease. It only fluctuated 1 or 2lbs give or take, no matter what. But this drastic loss really set me back considering I was actually trying to gain weight. I didn’t even notice I had lost this much weight until I got so weak that I couldn’t even sit straight without support to my back and people started asking me if I was sick cuz I looked too frail and weak. Then it occurred to me to check my weight and there it was, 12lbs down. So I’m gonna try to gain weight during this semester break. Keeping my fingers crossed ! And don’t even get me started on my bad skin, UGH.

As for my writing journey, I have stopped writing for most part. At least I don’t write the same way I used to or as frequently. So I will probably not be posting a lot but I will remain active here. Catching up with ya’all nevertheless. I will however be posting on my blog’s official instagram account on the daily basis. So if you aren’t already following me on my account, please join me! We shall have a good time ( and there will be free marshmallows and a chocolate fountain waiting as a token of my appreciation so cmon cmon grab yourself a party hat and join in xD)

Here’s the link— https://www.instagram.com/lifeconfusions_zee/

That’s pretty much it from my side now, so Enough about me. TELL ME HOW YOU ALL ARE? Let’s have a chat in the comment section below. I wanna know how life’s been treating you?

We Bleed (To Transform)

(Transmogrify)
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I don’t know what it is about blood. We claim it’s a bad thing yet we can’t stop bleeding. We let others wound us over and over again until gash is a foot deep into our soul. Sometimes we wound others and get wounded in the process.

We clutch tightly to barbed wires of emotional attachments and walk on the burning coals of expectations. And by the end of it when we fall on the ground profusely gushing and wounded to our core, we make promises to ourselves; never again. But as we all know, promises are made to be broken.

The wound is by now infected because you didn’t take care of it well. You didn’t suture it on time and you didn’t put the bandage when you should have. You just let it be; as a reminder of all the things you loved that ruined you.

We fall back onto bed made of thorns of disappointment, exhausted. And bleed some more. We bleed until we can’t. We ache until every muscle in our body refuses to ache anymore. We suffer until pain itself screams in pain. Until the infection has spread onto every small vein and down to our very bones. Until we find ourselves disintegrating- crumbling, decaying, withering.

But,
How else could we have become anew,
If we had not first become ashes?

Scared-Phobia


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I still remember to this day, The trigger of my phobia. I’ve heard it is very unusual for people to remember their trigger. They usually suppress the memories. But I remember it as clear as a day.

It was about 10 years ago, I was in Karachi (Largest city of Pakistan) to meet some relatives,  we had just arrived there and on our way from train station to their house.  My Aunt came to pick us up and I was sitting in the car in the back seat with my mom. We came across a U-turn and my aunt told my mom that a man was killed right there. She went about telling the whole story of the murder(which I don’t remember clearly) as I listened to it.

That was the day after which I started to get scared. Really scared. I was scared of being alone in the dark. Afraid that something or someone will get to me. Kill me. I don’t know what this phobia is called medically to this day. But all i know is, it wasn’t just a normal fear. I was paranoid !
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I was scared of everything that moved in the dark. I always thought there was something lurking in the dark waiting for me to close my eyes and it’ll jump out and grab me.
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And the worst part was it wasn’t only when I was alone, even if somebody was sleeping with me I would always feel a presence with me. I would still be as much scared.

I guess I can say that I was actually scared that somebody was gonna kill me.
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I can’t count the sleepless nights I spent rolling in the bed. I was scared even to roll to my side as I was sure something will attack me if my back is to it. So I always laid on my back, face facing upward and trying to look side to side with my two eyes (although at that time I wished I had four eyes so I could look everywhere).

For more than 10 years,  I had to endure this fear. It was really hard for me to cope with it. I still remember the fear and the darkness I felt lying on my little bed. Wanting to sleep so bad but wasn’t able to.
Everything in the dark was my enemy and I had to fight a really hard battle.

I was afraid to watch any horror movie or drama or anything like that.
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I don’t know why but with time that fear started to subside. I started to become less and less conscious about it as I got more involved and busy with my studies.
I was afraid to watch horror movies as I mentioned before, but when I saw it once, I found out I wasn’t that scared of them anymore.

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I was searching for a reason, Why do we fear? I came across this answer:

Most fears are nothing but movements of thoughts. A thought is a language that we give for words, pictures and feelings. Put in a different way, a thought is just a movement of word, picture and feeling… You interpret a thought in your mind in a language that you are afraid, and you experience fear.

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As I thought more and more about it and tried to find my answer I realized why that phobia faded away.

My phobia started when I was very little, maybe 8-10 years old, usually kids of that age don’t have much to do. Studies are not that hard and there isn’t any other personal life problem, you are just so in over yourself. All you do all day is THINK!

Think about stuff…any stuff…and considering above explanation of Why do we fear, my over-imaginative mind started to imagine uncontrollably. I was little, I had nothing really to do then but as I grew up , got busy with my studies and other life problems, my mind didn’t had any space left to think about the fear too. So as I got busier and busier, the fear started to fade away.

It doesn’t mean its completely gone, its there somewhere. It takes over sometimes. But its normal, I think everybody gets scared once in a while so I’m not that worried about it anymore.

Everybody has some kind of fear. It can be a fear of being alone, fear of some animal, fear of losing someone. Admit it, EVERYBODY has fear of something but the key is not to let it rule you. You have to learn to overcome it,find the root cause of the problem and then take one step at a time.
You’ll get there one day. As i have. I’m sure!
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(Image credit: Google)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/daily-prompt-frightening/