Random Acts Of Kindness

I was strolling in the park when a little girl with a huge smile passed me by. She was jumping up and down, belting a tune and plucking flowers from the ground, with her delicate hands at the same time. She was wearing the cutest polka dot frock with a bow in black which perfectly complemented her curly brown hair swaying in the air as the sun rays poured all over her face.

The spring had almost started to sprung. I could already see beautiful flowers blossoming on the trees and ground. Rows and rows of flowers were aligned across the entire park. It was like someone had splashed colored paint but in a perfect symmetry. The flowers seemed to have filled this grey and dark world with color. Pleasant smell of lilies and jasmine lingered in the air which was unmatched by any branded perfume be it Kelvin Cain or Christine Dior.

Wooden benches were placed strategically along the entire boundary of the park. A young couple was sitting on one of the benches hand in hand, giving each other looks of love and lust. While an elderly couple sitting on the bench adjacent to the one with couple, were looking at each other with such affection that could melt even the heart of ice. An evident contrasts existed between the two generations.

A slight nudge on my arm brought me back from admiring the nature around me. There was no one in front of me. Now a nudge on my right leg, I looked down and there she was, little girl I had seen moments before, looking at me with her big round eyes and longest eye lashes I’ve ever seen on a girl in my life. Now that she was standing so close to me I could see the innocence dripping from her face. She had chubby pink cheeks and lips curled up in an infectious smile which had ability to light up the whole world. I was awestruck by her beauty.

She had a bouquet of flowers in her hands which she made from all the flowers she had collected and extended it to me. I gave her a confused look. Her eyes now opened wide and pointed towards me which implied that those flowers were for me. I took it from her hand, bent down and gave her a big kiss on her cheeks. She hugged me tight and said “Don’t be sad”. I was flabbergasted by her implication. She gave me a huge smile which made me forget about everything else. And ran away humming that tune she was singing earlier.

I just stood there caught in the moment. The smell of flowers flared my nostrils and tears started to well up in my eyes. My mind drifted back to a text message my friend had sent me most recently. Out of the blue she sent me text saying “I love you and I just want you to know that”. Nobody had ever said that to me so randomly. She and I have never even met in person. It made me feel loved the same way that girl made me feel today. I think in a way no matter how hardcore we are from the outside all of us need to be feel loved from the inside. Love, the most innate need of a human being.

By now the sun had started to set. Sun seemed so close, a blob of reddish orange color, I could almost reach up and touch it. Orange light of setting sun lined up the skyline of New York skyscrapers as birds flew towards their homes. They made stunning patterns on the sky as they moved ever elegantly, pushing through the air. I felt my lungs inflate with the on rush of scenery- air, mountain, trees, people and I thought, “This is what it is to be happy”

Darkness had almost encased the sky, now only the faintest light left on the skyline about to disappear at any moment. A blood relation is not necessary to feel loved. Some random acts of kindness have the ability to change hearts. “Kindness Is A Virtue”, There is a reason why it is true after all. I realized I was still holding the bouquet close to my nostrils. I was too engrossed in admiring the show of nature around me as life went about and hustle bustle of the city continued around me. There was a strange calmness in the air. I decided to make my way towards my apartment with the bouquet clutched firmly between my hands and heart enriched with love and peace. We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves. As it is said :

“ To be at peace does not mean that you are amiss of every storm, it only means
that you can find a calm within the storm”

In response to Today's daily prompt

Release Me

Daily Prompt: Release Me
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/20/daily-prompt-free/

Tell us about the blog post you were most nervous to publish — and what it was like to set it free.
__________________________________________________

I’ve a hard time talking about my feelings but through writing, I’ve found a way to release. I still have a hard time writing about somethings but Well its a start…maybe someday I’ll be courageous enough to write about that stuff.

So far there are two blog posts I had a hard time writing about and was a little nervous if I should write about it or not.

One of them was the Battle with myself, why I was nervous about writing it was because that was the first time I came close to hurting myself. Sure I had thoughts about it before but I never came so close to do it. One of the reasons was because I had strong faith. My faith made me hold on to the glimmer of light and hope. But in those days I was a little out of faith, I’ve to admit I became close to becoming depressed, maybe I did become depressed. And in that slight moment of discretion I became too close to hurting myself.
To be honest I wasn’t courageous enough to do it (People keep telling me that it doesn’t mean I was a coward, It means I was strong enough to resist it, but I don’t think that was the case. If I even had a ounce of courage in me, I would have cut myself for sure. I was that depressed.)
Well anyways, I’m glad I wasn’t able to do it. Thanks God, my weakened faith started to get stronger. That EPISODE of depression faded away. I’m glad I was able to write about it and release my anger through that.

The second post has to be Rest In peace series (part 1 & part 2). I wasn’t nervous about writing this post, but It was hard for me to write about it. Coping with death is not easy. There was no one I could talk to, I’m not very vocal about how I feel so family wasn’t on my list to talk to about it. My best friend couldn’t be here at that time. So to be honest I couldn’t wait to write about it. The very first thing I did when I came back from the funeral was to write about it. I wanted to get it all out. To tell someone about every detail about it. But to tell the whole world about it was the hard part. I was unsure how people would react to it. I couldn’t bear anything bad being said about that, because that post was very close to me.

But eventually I did write about it. I did publish it. I was able to get it all out. Most importantly, as i wrote the Part 2: Peace Of The Present Moment , Everything became clearer and clearer to me, I was able to get a good lesson out of it. I felt more at peace with myself. Obviously it still hurts to think about my niece, it still hurts every time I look at my brother and see his sad smile but life goes on…We have to move on and as I said before, Learn to live in peace of the present moment.
Image

A Battle With Myself

65381299_640

As i stood in my bathroom holding the blade in my hand, turning it over and over again between my fingers, occasionally glancing at my reflection in the mirror, the person who was staring back at me wasn’t really…ME.
Because ME-the old me would have never even thought about doing something like that. The old me found it disgusting and messed up. Then how…why did i come to this?

It wasn’t like i was going to suicide or something, i just wanted to cut a little, see a little blood come pouring out of it and maybe the pain of that will overcome the pain i was feeling due to messed up events in my life. I just wanted  to stop that pain by inflicting myself with the other kind of pain because it was getting too hard for me to bear.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve spent most of my childhood crying , at least thats the only thing i remember of it. Its not like i haven’t seen any happiness in my life at all. I’ve been blessed with so many things but problems have always been part of my life as well and they still are. I guess i am just tired now. In most real and literal sense, TIRED !
I just want PEACE in my life, i want all the shit to be over. i have reached my breaking point. i can’t….i can’t suffer anymore. Its too much to bear.

Holding the blade in between my fingers i started to contemplate if i really wanted to do this…to be honest i started to wonder if i actually had the courage to do this. I pressed the blade just a little on my arm, not too hard. Pressed again and again. No blood came out.

Then i realized…i was afraid to do it….i wasn’t strong enough….my will power wasn’t that strong….i was a coward…wasn’t i ?

I just couldn’t bring myself to harm myself. So, I put the blade back where it belonged not leaving any evidence of me touching it.

Held the washbasin tightly with both hands, bowed my head down and cried. I just kept crying, crying and crying  for everything that happened to me since my childhood up until now. I prayed as i cried.
Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for tranquility, prayed for inner peace and calmness and put everything in HIS hands.

Washed my face and came out of the bathroom like nothing out of ordinary happened in there.  And waited for my faith to set in again as I seem to have run out of it for some time now.