Release Me

Daily Prompt: Release Me
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/20/daily-prompt-free/

Tell us about the blog post you were most nervous to publish — and what it was like to set it free.
__________________________________________________

I’ve a hard time talking about my feelings but through writing, I’ve found a way to release. I still have a hard time writing about somethings but Well its a start…maybe someday I’ll be courageous enough to write about that stuff.

So far there are two blog posts I had a hard time writing about and was a little nervous if I should write about it or not.

One of them was the Battle with myself, why I was nervous about writing it was because that was the first time I came close to hurting myself. Sure I had thoughts about it before but I never came so close to do it. One of the reasons was because I had strong faith. My faith made me hold on to the glimmer of light and hope. But in those days I was a little out of faith, I’ve to admit I became close to becoming depressed, maybe I did become depressed. And in that slight moment of discretion I became too close to hurting myself.
To be honest I wasn’t courageous enough to do it (People keep telling me that it doesn’t mean I was a coward, It means I was strong enough to resist it, but I don’t think that was the case. If I even had a ounce of courage in me, I would have cut myself for sure. I was that depressed.)
Well anyways, I’m glad I wasn’t able to do it. Thanks God, my weakened faith started to get stronger. That EPISODE of depression faded away. I’m glad I was able to write about it and release my anger through that.

The second post has to be Rest In peace series (part 1 & part 2). I wasn’t nervous about writing this post, but It was hard for me to write about it. Coping with death is not easy. There was no one I could talk to, I’m not very vocal about how I feel so family wasn’t on my list to talk to about it. My best friend couldn’t be here at that time. So to be honest I couldn’t wait to write about it. The very first thing I did when I came back from the funeral was to write about it. I wanted to get it all out. To tell someone about every detail about it. But to tell the whole world about it was the hard part. I was unsure how people would react to it. I couldn’t bear anything bad being said about that, because that post was very close to me.

But eventually I did write about it. I did publish it. I was able to get it all out. Most importantly, as i wrote the Part 2: Peace Of The Present Moment , Everything became clearer and clearer to me, I was able to get a good lesson out of it. I felt more at peace with myself. Obviously it still hurts to think about my niece, it still hurts every time I look at my brother and see his sad smile but life goes on…We have to move on and as I said before, Learn to live in peace of the present moment.
Image

Peace Of The Present Moment (Rest In peace: Part 2)

We made our way to my brother ‘M’ house, with me sitting in the back seat as the little rays of sunlight escaped the clouds and some of them fell on my face. It had such peace and calmness that for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Maybe when I’ll wake up I’ll find out all of this was just a dream. A horrible dream. But sadly this wasn’t the case.

My 6 months 3 days old niece has in fact passed away and I’m going to attend her funeral.

As I mentioned before in part 1, it is quite hard for me to cry in front of somebody but as we approached the house, I started to feel a little teary. The closer we got, the greater was the urge to cry.

I entered the house and saw my sister-in-law sitting on the sofa.  As soon as I saw her and she saw me, I just ran into her and cried. We cried in each other arms for sometime and then she led me to my little niece’s dead body.

That angelic face, as white as a pearl, those pink lips pursed together. Her eyes closed. It was like she was sleeping a peaceful sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch her but was afraid I may break her fragile body.

So I just stood there, looking at her and cried…

What else could I do after all? There was nothing I could do in my power to bring her back. To make her open her eyes again and give me one of her million dollar smiles that could easily melt a diamond.

I asked for my brother, in a voice that didn’t belong to me, it was just a hoarse whisper, Even I could barely hear myself…

My brother came and I just hugged him hard, burying my head into his chest and bursting into tears…..and cried, cried and cried in his arms…I don’t know for how long we held each other, with him patting my back and me wailing helplessly in his arms.

He led me to the bed where her little fragile body, wrapped in a black cloth, was lying and sat on a stool close to her. And I stood behind him, caressing his hair, rubbing his back, putting my head on his shoulder and crying.  Telling him to have patience, When I myself have seemed to run out of it.

What else could I tell him?
How are you suppose to cope with a loss this big?

I couldn’t help but think if I was feeling so sad, feeling her absence, what about her parents?
How would they feel when they will lay at night to sleep and feel her absence between them?
When their house won’t ring with her laughter and chuckle anymore?
This fact made me cry much more. I wasn’t feeling my pain alone, It was of my brother’s and my sister-in-law’s as well.

I don’t know for how long I sat there, watching her body and eventually they took her lifeless body to bury.

I imagined my brother laying her own daughter to her grave, the pain he must’ve felt. How powerless he must’ve felt.
How can you bury someone you love 6 feet under the ground? Watch over as the soil covers their body and embraces their remains as her own? How do you just walk away after burying them? From where do you find the strength?

I don’t have any of the answers to that. I’m just as naive as anybody else out there.

On our way back from the funeral, I saw people engrossed with their lives. Children playing outside. Young boys goofing around, throwing punches at each other. Men on their way to earn bread or back. Women busy with shopping and gossiping.

How naive they all were. Here we are mourning a loss but they don’t know about it. They were all just happy and satisfied. Continuing with their lives. Without a clue about our loss.

And then I realized….It isn’t about what I should’ve done….I should’ve spent more time with my niece and my brother but that didn’t matter. It isn’t about what I should’ve done , anymore.

It’s about what I should do NOW.
Because NOW is the moment we live in, not BEFORE, not AFTER…It is NOW !

I have to stay strong for the sake of everybody else, including my own. If it’s about “Living in the moment” then I’m all up for that. Because THIS is the moment that matters.

Tell the people you love that, You Love Them. Don’t wait up because life is too short.
Don’t think they already know that and it doesn’t matter if I don’t say it loud, because IT DOES!
It does matter.
Every hour, every minute, every second matters.

Every word, every meaning, every sentence matters.

Everything you do in your life matters !

Spend time with people you love, tell them frequently you love them, because you can never know what will happen next. Believe me, you won’t like to live with the remorse of not spending enough time with your loved ones.

These games, this Internet, the T.v…All of this stuff which you think is important, ISN’T !

So, STOP for a minute, Take a deep breath.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Make a list of all the things which you think are important in you life and evaluate yourself.
Does these things really matter or are you just so in over your head that you are missing the big picture.

Life is too short to play games.
Take chances. Stay strong.
And most importantly don’t miss out on the “Peace Of The Present Moment“.

(You can find Rest In Peace: Part 1 here : https://lifeconfusions.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/rest-in-peace-part-1/ )