Monsters

Today I came across my old register while cleaning up my room, I momentarily decided to go through it before throwing it in the junk. As I flipped through the pages I came across this poem I’d written, I don’t remember when or in which scenario I scribbled it down on the page. This poem is written by R.H.L (These are the initials written under it I don’t really remember who it stands for ). I found it worth sharing so here we go:

Beware of the monsters
Who dwell in mind,
Who grows in the shelter
Of shadows they find.

Beware of the demons
Who hide from the light,
Who only survive
When our spirits lose sight.

Those creatures can thrive
Where our knowledge is low
They fill in the spaces,
Of what we don’t know

Beware of the monsters
That cause us to hate,
To strike out in anger
when we can’t relate.

For ignorance darkens
The mind and the heart,
And helps all our monsters
To tear us apart.

But learning and thinking
Will strengthen us so
We won’t be the places
Where the monsters can grow.

-R.H.L

NUMB

Daily post ‘s The Ghosts in Your Dashboard asked us to look into drafts section of our blog and see if we can find any unfinished or unpublished posts. I don’t usually write any posts before hand, save them as draft and then post them later. I write at the same moment as I post them. It was a surprise to see a draft in my posts section when I opened it. And this is the ‘ghost’ I found resting there. I had written it on Oct 11,2013 at 10:59 am to be precise. But what’s more surprising is, it is EXACTLY how I feel right now. It fits perfectly to my present condition. WordPress Gods really have superpowers I guess. So here is the piece.

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Numb…I kept telling myself to be numb.

My mind kept drifting off to that day as I rested my head on the window pane of my bus and some tears welled up in my eyes but I told myself to be numb. Don’t cry. Don’t think about it. Even if you do come to think about it, Be numb. I kept telling myself this as the morning sun threw its warm rays on my face.

After all my life enduring the pain of other people shits, crying a river and depressing myself too much.
I’ve decided to be numb. Pain is too much to bear for me now. My eyes are tired of crying buckets of tears. It’s a surprise to me that my eyes are still capable of tearing up.

Not anymore. I’m not going to feel this shit anymore. I’m done. Be Numb, is my new mantra.

Scared-Phobia


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I still remember to this day, The trigger of my phobia. I’ve heard it is very unusual for people to remember their trigger. They usually suppress the memories. But I remember it as clear as a day.

It was about 10 years ago, I was in Karachi (Largest city of Pakistan) to meet some relatives,  we had just arrived there and on our way from train station to their house.  My Aunt came to pick us up and I was sitting in the car in the back seat with my mom. We came across a U-turn and my aunt told my mom that a man was killed right there. She went about telling the whole story of the murder(which I don’t remember clearly) as I listened to it.

That was the day after which I started to get scared. Really scared. I was scared of being alone in the dark. Afraid that something or someone will get to me. Kill me. I don’t know what this phobia is called medically to this day. But all i know is, it wasn’t just a normal fear. I was paranoid !
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I was scared of everything that moved in the dark. I always thought there was something lurking in the dark waiting for me to close my eyes and it’ll jump out and grab me.
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And the worst part was it wasn’t only when I was alone, even if somebody was sleeping with me I would always feel a presence with me. I would still be as much scared.

I guess I can say that I was actually scared that somebody was gonna kill me.
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I can’t count the sleepless nights I spent rolling in the bed. I was scared even to roll to my side as I was sure something will attack me if my back is to it. So I always laid on my back, face facing upward and trying to look side to side with my two eyes (although at that time I wished I had four eyes so I could look everywhere).

For more than 10 years,  I had to endure this fear. It was really hard for me to cope with it. I still remember the fear and the darkness I felt lying on my little bed. Wanting to sleep so bad but wasn’t able to.
Everything in the dark was my enemy and I had to fight a really hard battle.

I was afraid to watch any horror movie or drama or anything like that.
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I don’t know why but with time that fear started to subside. I started to become less and less conscious about it as I got more involved and busy with my studies.
I was afraid to watch horror movies as I mentioned before, but when I saw it once, I found out I wasn’t that scared of them anymore.

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I was searching for a reason, Why do we fear? I came across this answer:

Most fears are nothing but movements of thoughts. A thought is a language that we give for words, pictures and feelings. Put in a different way, a thought is just a movement of word, picture and feeling… You interpret a thought in your mind in a language that you are afraid, and you experience fear.

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As I thought more and more about it and tried to find my answer I realized why that phobia faded away.

My phobia started when I was very little, maybe 8-10 years old, usually kids of that age don’t have much to do. Studies are not that hard and there isn’t any other personal life problem, you are just so in over yourself. All you do all day is THINK!

Think about stuff…any stuff…and considering above explanation of Why do we fear, my over-imaginative mind started to imagine uncontrollably. I was little, I had nothing really to do then but as I grew up , got busy with my studies and other life problems, my mind didn’t had any space left to think about the fear too. So as I got busier and busier, the fear started to fade away.

It doesn’t mean its completely gone, its there somewhere. It takes over sometimes. But its normal, I think everybody gets scared once in a while so I’m not that worried about it anymore.

Everybody has some kind of fear. It can be a fear of being alone, fear of some animal, fear of losing someone. Admit it, EVERYBODY has fear of something but the key is not to let it rule you. You have to learn to overcome it,find the root cause of the problem and then take one step at a time.
You’ll get there one day. As i have. I’m sure!
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(Image credit: Google)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/daily-prompt-frightening/

Proceed with caution, Future Ahead!

Daily Prompt: Ebb and Flow
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/28/daily-prompt-life/

Our blogs morph over time, as interests shift and life happens. Write a post for your blog — but three years in the future.

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Well in the next three years I see myself becoming more beautiful than Angelina Jolie, with a figure like Nicole Kidman and hopefully not as crazy as Miley Cyrus!

Okay, All the jokes aside I do see my life becoming tough but sweet and awesome as well.

Tough with studies as medical study is not easy let me tell you…My life is going to become a living hell.
I already don’t remember what I studied in my first semester, All the arteries,veins, muscles and shit. How am i going to remember it for the next 5 years??!! (And my first semester just passed two months ago and second is going to start next week! )

Out of 206 total bones in man, the upper limb contains as many as 64 bones. (yes you heard it right! Only in upper limb which includes shoulder region, arms,hands,torso and back )and we had to memorize almost all of them, along with its muscles, in first semester. (I can hardly count 15 that i remember now). So I’m worried about what is going to happen to my mind when i reach the finish line.
Also there are 20 muscles of hand, had to rack my brains to remember their names,its origin, its insertion and its action as well as arteries, veins and nerves that pass through them.We had to memorize all of that with EVERY single muscle of the upper limb. (I almost went nuts trying to remember that shit )

So i think to myself if it is tough now, Its going to be TOUGHER ahead. So STOP ranting and deal with it (After all I choose this field on my own decision, can’t blame my parents for it just like i blame them for everything else including my bad hair, not being tall enough and small eyes !)

Though the best thing is that after 3 years my “Professional Year” is going to start, by which I mean we’ll be working for selective hours in the hospital ! (YES! with ACTUAL patients and not just with those lifeless dummies anymore)
This is the awesome part, imagining myself running around in the Rehabilitation Department of the hospital, tending to different patients.
So that is what I’ve always wanted to do in my life (before which i wanted to be a pilot, then a scientist, then a fashion designer, then a psychologist{which i still want to be} and finally i settled on Physiotherapy).

And as far as my personal life is concerned I hope I don’t shave my head like Britney Spears out of the shear pressure of my studies.

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Don’t start doing drugs(and start running people over with my car resulting in multiple DUI’s) like Lindsey Lohan.
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And most importantly don’t spin out of control like Miley Cyrus and sit naked on a wrecking ball , licking a hammer !
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(Those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about watch her Wrecking Ball video and you’ll know what I mean.)
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I think that is enough imagination for next three years !