END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything coherent regarding my feelings and even longer since I have posted here on my blog. I’ve stopped writing for most part and when I would tell people about it all of them said one thing to me; Why? This is such a gift. To be able to put your feelings into words. Make your pain sound beautiful. So this is me trying. By the end of this two-part post I plan to achieve at least one thing; closure. Either a closure to this blog, or a closure to an era of my life. I guess we will see which one is it going to be by the end. 

The last 6 months of my university life were pretty eventful. This was the first time I was living away from home and independently, on my own. This was, for most part, one of the best period of my life. Not because it was all great but because, despite of so much drama and pain involved, I somehow emerged as a changed person finally. Not changed, as in fixed. But changed, as in stronger.

A childhood friend and I were standing on a rooftop holding sky lanterns in our hands, about to release it into the air. When she said, “wait hold on, We gotta wish for something before we do it.” so we both closed our eyes and wished. And there it went raising itself to the sky as soon as we let it go. It’s orange light seemed like hope against the black sky. We watched it fade into the night, becoming one with the stars. She turned towards me and asked, “so what did you wish for?” and I replied without a second hesitation, “To be happy”.

The one conflict most significant throughout this period was my struggle with the idea of ‘happiness’. My whole world revolved around the question ‘what is happiness’. I could not, for the life of me, understand it. Probably because it had been a long time since I had felt it. Probably because I could not comprehend why am I not happy despite of ‘seemingly’ having it all. With every single person I sat with, I used to ask them these questions, “what do you think happiness is?”, “what is happiness for you?” in desperate attempt to find some answers. I was a tangled mess. There was sadness and an obvious lack of happiness. But I lived for the moments. And these moments made me have the best time of my life.

I met so many different people, had so many amazing experiences along with some really bad ones but everything was worth it. My friend and I, once crashed some strangers wedding (we were invited but through friend of a friend and we knew nobody there except two other people). We all literally danced for 1 hour straight, ending up in a sweaty mess by the end of it. At one point even took our shoes off. Then we joined a train dance, with bride and groom on front. We danced our assess off, cuz 1)we knew nobody there and knew we were never gonna see them again either, so we went all in 2)It helped that some people on the dance floor were a bit tipsy so nobody cared what we were doing :D. It was a very memorable wedding for sure.

An extremely busy highway was once closed off due to some political protests. There was an overhead bridge which was empty as well cuz of that. Police was standing on either sides of the road monitoring. A friend and I sneaked on to the overhead bridge taking advantage of the darkness and sat in the middle of it in the shadows so nobody could spot us. We had a very deep conversation while sitting there looking over the deserted highway, scarce cars and mountains in the distance as night lights flickered. It was so beautiful, I could not stop just staring at the endless deserted highway in front of me from the top. We had to leave soon enough tho as police proceeded closer. It was quiet an adventure.

I will always remember roaming on the streets at night, eating out with almost no money in the pockets, catching an uber and just going to the first place that comes to mind. A friend took me to his (secret) favorite spot in the city. We sat on a specific corner and the whole city was widespread in front of me. It was hands down one of the best places I had been to. It was mostly quiet and very few people were roaming around as the night dawned in. It was cold winter night and we were freezing but the view was breathtaking. Breathtaking is an understatement. I could have spent an eternity there looking at the night lights; high rise distant building, cars speeding on the highways on three different sides, stadium lights flashing in the distance as the cold wind blew in my face. It felt like I was part of the night sky. The whole city looked to be immersed in million stars. The sadness in my heart acknowledging the beauty of those moments as well, while I sat on the wall trying to imprint the view into my eyes forever.

If there’s one thing I learned during this time period, it was how strong I can be. Especially two friends of mind, B and K, really helped me through it. They gave me strength when I thought I had none. It was only then I realized how insanely frail I used to ‘think’ I was. I struggled a lot with my self-worth, self-loathing and self-deterioration. There were days I was nothing but a flesh dripping with sadness unable to comprehend the person that I am. Thinking of myself as unworthy of love or care or affection. They both made me believe in myself. Of my worth. Of my ability to take decisions. I learned to see things through more positive perspective, how to take things easy and how to not give a fuck to every single person and situation in my life. I learned a lot about actions. We can apologize over and over but if our actions don’t change, the words become meaningless. You will come across so many people in your life who will claim to care for you and love you and be there for you, but there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions. Actions prove who someone actually is, words just prove who they want to be.

And just like that, Somewhere along the way, my struggle with the idea of ‘being happy’ blurred away. Perhaps I accepted the sadness as a part of me. Perhaps I accepted to be content with the moments in between. Perhaps I was happy but didn’t know I was. Perhaps I stopped looking for happiness cuz I knew the answers to my questions weren’t that easy. Perhaps I knew some day I will find it but not yet. Perhaps…

Next: Part 2 (Pain, Forgiveness and letting go)

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I Am Alive

tenor
I’m not dead.

Yes you heard that right. This is the real Zee speaking, in flesh and bone. I know I’ve been super MIA, complete radio-silence but that was need of the time. By now you all must be like “yeah yeah we’ve heard it all before.” I know I keep disappearing. Can I be forgiven?

tears

Please accept my apology

I’m not a efficient multi-tasker. I’ve a hard time focusing on more than few things at once. And I lose focus real soon. So it’s a neccissity I prioritize the most important tasks in hand which is my studies especially cuz it’s my last year (yes I’ll be graduating soon, all grown up and shit) and I really really needed to take care of myself (the success of which is debatable but you win some you lose some).

And in the meantime I have been left with some questionable choices. It isn’t that I regret certain things happening but I regret them happening in infinite loops, over and over again. I was naive enough to never take off my rose tinted glasses and see people for who they really were, to see reality for what it was. At this point I cannot say that I’m okay with the choices I made because I’m not. I want to call them mistakes but a mistake stops being a mistake if you keep making it, it becomes a choice sadly. And I wish I had made better choices. My failure to see reality pushed me deeper into this illusion that people can change. The fantasy in my head drove me into a constant cycle of hurt and pain. The bottom line is; If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

At some instances I feel like nothing but a fool trusting some people and never questioning their sincerity with me, not even for a fleeting moment. It is quiet handy to be skeptical at times especially when it comes to issues of trust, a lesson I learned a little too late. But oh well, nobody said life was all rainbows and roses. Sometimes you have to swallow the bitter pill no matter how hard it is to get past your throat to cleanse the toxicity eating you alive from the inside.

As for personal health, as much as I wanted to improve it during this break, it only went downhill. It had a lot to do with my beyond hectic routine of traveling and not getting enough sleep and a little too much stress. I don’t know which was greater the mental strain or the physical one. For starters I lost 12lbs during the course of 3 weeks last month. Which was very alarming because as much as it is hard to believe, my weight has been absolute constant since 8th grade, which is like since past 10 years. Nothing made it increase or decrease. It only fluctuated 1 or 2lbs give or take, no matter what. But this drastic loss really set me back considering I was actually trying to gain weight. I didn’t even notice I had lost this much weight until I got so weak that I couldn’t even sit straight without support to my back and people started asking me if I was sick cuz I looked too frail and weak. Then it occurred to me to check my weight and there it was, 12lbs down. So I’m gonna try to gain weight during this semester break. Keeping my fingers crossed ! And don’t even get me started on my bad skin, UGH.

As for my writing journey, I have stopped writing for most part. At least I don’t write the same way I used to or as frequently. So I will probably not be posting a lot but I will remain active here. Catching up with ya’all nevertheless. I will however be posting on my blog’s official instagram account on the daily basis. So if you aren’t already following me on my account, please join me! We shall have a good time ( and there will be free marshmallows and a chocolate fountain waiting as a token of my appreciation so cmon cmon grab yourself a party hat and join in xD)

Here’s the link— https://www.instagram.com/lifeconfusions_zee/

That’s pretty much it from my side now, so Enough about me. TELL ME HOW YOU ALL ARE? Let’s have a chat in the comment section below. I wanna know how life’s been treating you?

We Bleed (To Transform)

(Transmogrify)
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I don’t know what it is about blood. We claim it’s a bad thing yet we can’t stop bleeding. We let others wound us over and over again until gash is a foot deep into our soul. Sometimes we wound others and get wounded in the process.

We clutch tightly to barbed wires of emotional attachments and walk on the burning coals of expectations. And by the end of it when we fall on the ground profusely gushing and wounded to our core, we make promises to ourselves; never again. But as we all know, promises are made to be broken.

The wound is by now infected because you didn’t take care of it well. You didn’t suture it on time and you didn’t put the bandage when you should have. You just let it be; as a reminder of all the things you loved that ruined you.

We fall back onto bed made of thorns of disappointment, exhausted. And bleed some more. We bleed until we can’t. We ache until every muscle in our body refuses to ache anymore. We suffer until pain itself screams in pain. Until the infection has spread onto every small vein and down to our very bones. Until we find ourselves disintegrating- crumbling, decaying, withering.

But,
How else could we have become anew,
If we had not first become ashes?

Let’s Make A Change

(WPC: The SunShine )

“Let me tell you something: no one is going to look at you, broken and shattered 
and think -
damn, you are beautiful.
No one is going to come pick up your broken pieces off the floor and
 assemble them into a beautiful whole.

Hell,
 you won’t even look at yourself and think – 
I made broken look beautiful.

You know why?

Because all those writers lied to you.

Yes, 
all those with their poems of scraped knuckles and 
blood dripping down chins, 
pomegranate songs and loves that ripped through you like 
hurricanes.

Liars.

So you and I, 
we are going to make a plan.

You are not going to romanticize days when your brain tells you to smash that mirror,
You are not going to romanticize the lover who doesn’t understand you 
but still writes about you.

Here is what you are going to romanticize instead:
You are going to romanticize the first day of spring,
Its gentle hands all over your body,
Lifting you up until you are as light as a feather.

You are going to romanticize the tea and honey kind of love,
No hurricanes, 
but sunshine that builds you up from within,
That helps you make it through the worst days.

You are going to romanticize gentle hands of a friend 
in yours,
Telling you that it is going to be okay.

Because it is.

And don’t trust poets, 
we’re no good,
 we love pretending that our jagged edges tantamount to a beautiful disaster, but in reality – 
there isn’t nothing beautiful about shaky hands holding a cigarette and 
empty eyes staring at the cracks in the walls.

You know what is beautiful, instead?

The days when you can look at yourself in the mirror and smile, 
scars and all.
Music that makes your soul flow like a river, 
books that offer comfort, 
families flocking together like overgrown birds to keep you safe and warm,
 friends that give you strength when you can find none, 
lovers who make you laugh through tears.

Baby, 
from now on 
you are going to romanticize healing;
Honey dripping down your fingertips,
August nights that stick to your skin, the day you find your purpose, 
long car rides and singing so loud that no one can shut you up now.

Bad news: 
no one is coming to save you.

Good news: 
you can save yourself.”
– Lana Rafaela (via wnq-writers.tumblr.com)

( Daily Prompt: Millions )

Where The Heart Is 

(WPC: Local :Show us where the heart is.)

Home is in the infinite space surrounding the sky.

The hotel room was surprisingly clean, two single beds were joined together to make it a bigger bed against the wall. The interior was comparatively simple, with green carpet and plane white walls. Two arm chairs with a table in front were placed opposite the bed. It wasn’t very luxurious but it was fulfilling his purpose for now. He gave out a tired breath and let himself fall on the chair. The chairs were conveniently placed closer to the window. He looked at the deserted road at 12 am which still showed a hint of night life as few cars passed by. The summer wind was softly blowing through the windows and onto his face. He closed his eyes to take it all in. Her face flashed in front of him as soon as he closed his eyes. The vision of her hair being softly caressed by the same wind that was now touching his face. Damn, what did this woman do to him, he cursed himself. As clock ticked by, with his tired eyes, all he could think of was her. In all the hours, in all the minutes, in all the seconds she had captured his attention. There was something about her. He couldn’t figure it out and it was killing him.

He felt frustrated, he wanted to hold her tight with a strong grip and ask her to look in his eyes so he would know what exactly she carried beneath those alluring lashes. He wanted to tear off the skin she was wearing so he could see underneath, the soul she was carrying. Despite his best attempts he couldn’t figure out who or what she was. This woman was driving him crazy.

He took out a cigarette from his pack, there were only two more left. There would be none left by morning he was sure. He wished there was something stronger to drown his anxiety. But for now cigarettes would do too. He took out a lighter, burned his cigarette and inhaled a long puff and slowly exhaled it out. Watching the smoke make patterns in the air and then dissolving in the summer air by finding escape through the open window.

This woman was like smoke… Mysterious, beautiful and a killer. She was killing him softly, with her infectious laughter and her enticing eyes.. The way she would touch him, ever so lightly and then disappear in the crowd. And he like a madman would follow her around. Trying to catch another glimpse of her allusive beauty. God Damn, this is getting out of hand he thought to himself. He was probably no good for her or maybe she was too intense for him. He didn’t know anymore. All he knew was he wanted to see her again. He wanted her fix like an addict. It was like this woman had completely taken over him. In his veins, in his blood, in the air he breathed, she was everywhere. She was all around him. He wanted to hold her against the wall, pin her and kiss her till she would beg for forgiveness for all what she made him feel.. If only he could do that. Taste her lips. The lips that lied with a smile. If only he could look deep in her eyes. The eyes that usually betrayed her smile.

By now the cigarette pack was empty, dammit he needed to stop this, he thought. At least they should have lasted till morning. But the thoughts of her were too distracting for him to notice how poison was filling his lungs all this time. He sighed and moved to the bed. He slept as soon as his back hit against the bed.

He dreamt about her. As always.
And he realized that he could never have her as the day dawned upon.
But he knew that in the night he could have her thoughts.
She was a wish never to be fulfilled,
But a dream that could always be seen.
And so he dreamed. As always. He dreamed.


(Flâneur  )

You There

It’s in the way she moves,
Softly, firmly, quietly,
Like she doesn’t wish to be spotted.
Slipping through cracks,
And disappearing into the crowd.

It’s in the way she laughs,
So ordinary, so familiar,
Yet a contradiction to her eyes.

Her eyes, so profound-
Seemingly an abysmal nothingness,
Yet containing everything.
Everything that needs to be known about her.

(Daily Prompt: Flattery Radical Authenticity )

October Is Here.

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Wow, I can’t believe it’s been an year! I wrote this following poem last October but never got around to sharing it. So I thought it’s only appropriate now that another October is here, to post this as an Ode to this month of dying beauty. It’s also a testament to how far I’ve come as a writer and most importantly feeling comfortable enough to share my work with the world. It brings back all kind of nostalgia to think I couldn’t share this last year but now I’m ready to own my writings and the writer in me. So without further due here it is.
_________________________

October is here and September is gone,
while November is soon to come.

The days turn to nights and nights into days,
While I wait for your return.

Standing on the threshold of our dreams,
I stand gazing upon the autumn trees.

The crisp air swooshes by me,
And leaves filled with color fall upon my feet.

I melt into the October sky,
I reflect how so many months have since passed by,
while I wait with my tears all dried,
And coffee turned cold.

The morning sun peeks through the autumn trees,
Solemn air mourns and weeps.
I need your warmth to save me,
From the cold dark nights that are soon to embrace me.

October is here, but not you.
Not yet.

Maybe November, maybe December.
Or maybe in January February.
Someday you will return,
Whether it’s March, April, June or July.

I will wait for you forever,
Even through August and September.

And then October will come again,
Bringing back memories of the day you left.
Leaving behind a flesh of heaving weeping mess,
Stranded on the doorway tracing your footsteps.

October is here again, but not you.
Not yet.

( Nostalgia )

Chords Of Life (A HUGE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!)

Weekly Photo Challenge: Possibility. Opportunity. Potential. New year. New adventures. Let’s inspire one another — show us what’s new.

There is this girl I know. She is one of the first few people I’ve known since the starting days of my blogging. We’ve been friends ever since. I just texted her to ask how long have we known each other and she replied 1.4 years and I couldn’t believe how far we have come since then. It’s seems like yesterday when I started my blog and we first chatted. I love her to bits and pieces, one of the best people I know here. She is as genuine as it can get, kindhearted, warm and an avid animal lover! Who is this amazing person you ask??!!

Her name is Kruti and she writes this blog:

Kruti Mehta:
AUTHOR AND POETESS IN-MAKING “Your Eyes Show the Strength of Your Soul”

Why I am telling you guys all of this today you must be wondering? What’s New? It’s with immense pleasure I’m announcing today that her second book Chords Of Life is out !! *jumps up and down in excitement* Yaey yaey yaey!!!

I’ve read the book and let me tell you *my totally biased* opinion, It’s AAAAH-MAAYY-ZINGGGGG !!! This book is an inspiration to my new year. So for this week’s photo challenge here is an image of her new book I’m reading.

photo 1

“Chords of Life is a collection of strange, morbid, unusual tales of my mind. Our life is like Chords of a Guitar each filled with different emotions at every stage. We may not face the same level of harshness as others, but we do know the bitter truth about cruelty. Each story is crafted with a different emotion within itself.”

Today I’m asking you to show support to this blogging community, support each other! Please go buy her book. You are going to love it.

Here are the details.

For free shipping – http://www.cyberwit.net/publications/734

Other links – http://www.flipkart.com/chords-life-symphony-darkness-english/p/itme39hqsetbeanw?pid=9788182535534&otracker=start&q=9788182535534&as=off&as-show=off
http://www.infibeam.com/Books/chords-life-kruti-mehta/9788182535534.html#variantId=P-M-B-978818253553

***********************************BONUS******************************************

If you guys are still not convinced about buying the book, I’m going to let you in on a little secret, One of my stories is also featured in that book!! Some of you might remember the story from my blog as I posted it once here. (It’s not here anymore so don’t go snooping around for it! Haha just kidding! )

So please please please go buy that book, what are you waiting for??!!

Go Go Go!!!! \o/

*Cheering you on* 😀

(Oh and if you guys could please spread the word any way feasible for you that’d be much appreciated too. Share it through Tweet, Facebook, Reblog, Pinterest, Tumblr? Anything would work. You can find all of these sharing options below the post. Thank you so much ! ❤ )