Get Lost. Get Found

All of us get lost…somewhere, at some point in our lives. We all hope to be found, by someone, by anyone.

We all get lost, sometimes deliberately. Hoping someone would be brave enough to come find us. We hide in the places only we know. And we leave behind clues for people to come find us. But not everyone can figure out those clues. We get lost and hope that someone, somewhere would miss us and come looking for us, venture after us to bring us back home. That is how some of us validate ourselves. We get lost deliberately hoping to be found. That is what some of us do to feel loved. To feel needed. To feel wanted. We get lost.

And all we can do is, pray to dear God, that someone would love us enough to bring us back.

We get lost to get found.

Fresh from the backyard today.

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My Answers

Daily Prompt: Inside the Actor’s Studio

On the interview show Inside the Actors’ Studio, host James Lipton asks each of his guests the same ten questions. What are your responses?
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What is your favorite word?
Like

What is your least favorite word?
I don’t know (I know its three words but you get the point)

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Kindness and Nature

What turns you off?
Rudeness

What is your favorite curse word?
F**k (like most of the people I bet)

What sound or noise do you love?
Anything Nature produces. The birds and the breeze and everything like that. And sound of the Rain !!!

What sound or noise do you hate?
Honking.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Psychology. Always have been my passion till this day. And always will be.

What profession would you not like to do?
Ummm….Every profession holds its own charm I don’t really hate any profession.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
I’d be too damn happy to care about anything else. I would be too ecstatic that I got in ! (I would Thanks God instead)

Breakdown

Daily Prompt: Breakdown
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/daily-prompt-broken/

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Very rarely in my life did I have any kind of breakdown.
Growing up, I was raised in what you can call a dysfunctional family. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed to have such a great family in form of a mother, father and brothers. They are the best mom, dad and brothers one can ask for and I’m thankful to God for that. But somehow collectively, when it comes to living together we always had fights. Disagreements between mother and father, mother and brothers, brother and brother, father and brother and I was always a silent spectator to all that shit.

All I remember from my childhood is crying in the corner and witnessing the fights between them. I don’t know why we could never work out together as a family because in person all of my family members are great.

Anyways, as I was a witness to all kind of fights from the childhood, I learned to suck it up. I doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me, it has scarred me for life but I wasn’t really vocal about it.

There are only two times I can recall, when I totally LOST IT !
One time was when there was a fight between my mom and my brother. It went so far as from verbally to hitting each other. I was probably 16 then, after we were able to get them off each other, I lost it. I said things to my mom, I said things to my brother, I threw off the muffler scarf I was wearing around my neck to the ground and said I was sick of this shit, tears rolling down my face. I don’t remember all the things I said as I was out of my mind. And I strode off to my bedroom crying. (why I call it a breakdown, mind you, is because I cried in front of my family, which I never do, yes I cry about each and everything but never in front of them. They think everything is fucking fine inside of my freaking head)

The second time was more recently. About a month ago I guess. It lasted for almost a whole week. The trigger for this breakdown was a fight with my mom. I cried so much, about every little thing that happened to me since my childhood to this day. I guess I was mourning in a way. I won’t say this was a closure to all the shit but it was SOMETHING. I remembered every single thing and cried for it and Just kept crying until I was tired of crying.
After 4 or 5 days of continuous crying, I guess I kind of ran out of tears and that was it.

Nobody knew about it. Nobody knows about it. And nobody ever will.

A Battle With Myself

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As i stood in my bathroom holding the blade in my hand, turning it over and over again between my fingers, occasionally glancing at my reflection in the mirror, the person who was staring back at me wasn’t really…ME.
Because ME-the old me would have never even thought about doing something like that. The old me found it disgusting and messed up. Then how…why did i come to this?

It wasn’t like i was going to suicide or something, i just wanted to cut a little, see a little blood come pouring out of it and maybe the pain of that will overcome the pain i was feeling due to messed up events in my life. I just wanted  to stop that pain by inflicting myself with the other kind of pain because it was getting too hard for me to bear.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve spent most of my childhood crying , at least thats the only thing i remember of it. Its not like i haven’t seen any happiness in my life at all. I’ve been blessed with so many things but problems have always been part of my life as well and they still are. I guess i am just tired now. In most real and literal sense, TIRED !
I just want PEACE in my life, i want all the shit to be over. i have reached my breaking point. i can’t….i can’t suffer anymore. Its too much to bear.

Holding the blade in between my fingers i started to contemplate if i really wanted to do this…to be honest i started to wonder if i actually had the courage to do this. I pressed the blade just a little on my arm, not too hard. Pressed again and again. No blood came out.

Then i realized…i was afraid to do it….i wasn’t strong enough….my will power wasn’t that strong….i was a coward…wasn’t i ?

I just couldn’t bring myself to harm myself. So, I put the blade back where it belonged not leaving any evidence of me touching it.

Held the washbasin tightly with both hands, bowed my head down and cried. I just kept crying, crying and crying  for everything that happened to me since my childhood up until now. I prayed as i cried.
Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for tranquility, prayed for inner peace and calmness and put everything in HIS hands.

Washed my face and came out of the bathroom like nothing out of ordinary happened in there.  And waited for my faith to set in again as I seem to have run out of it for some time now.

Sadness is a Blessing !

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Sadness….such a sad word, isn’t it ?

This is one word that everyone on the planet can relate to because admit it or not we all have been sad in our lives more times than we can dare to count.
Sadness is like a dark fluffy cloud that can cover us with the hail of loss, thunder of despair and a flood of hopelessness and just like acidic rain drench us in the shower of sorrow ultimately leading us to the dark pit of depression !

I’ve been there, I think its safe to say that everybody have been there.For a long time I was naive and couldn’t see the reason of sadness. Why does God makes us go through such pain? Whats the point of it all ? I mean to be honest God is God and if He wanted, He wouldn’t make us go through all of it.

It took me a long time to realize that if we were always happy, if we always got what we wanted, what we desired , what we loved then we wouldn’t really appreciate it ‘cuz lets face it we are human beings, its in our nature to be unappreciative and ungrateful.

With us, its always “Grass is always greener on the other side”.
Even if we got what we wanted we would always spend our time admiring the OTHER SIDE no matter how damaged it is from up close.

So, to avoid all of it, I think God devised a plan to make us contended with our lives and to be happy with what we have. He invented sadness so when we became ‘Not Sad’ and happy we would appreciate his blessings. And I think His planned worked a 100 %. I hope i am not going out of limb to say this but i sincerely believe that, “Sadness is a blessing” !