Jaan-E-Maan

‘Girls like you’ your mother says
‘are going to be disappointed a lot.’
She’s chopping coriander so fast that her hand is a blur
and you’re 12 and you’re standing
like a tremble, grubby knees and tear stained cheeks,
an offering in front of her.

‘Why?’ Your voice is a quiet shake.
She puts the knife down and calls you ‘jaan’
she holds your face in her wet hands,
you don’t flinch because this
is what love looks like
she kisses your forehead like forgiveness
‘because you mean what you say,
you think other people are the same.’
She tells you that she spent four years
trying to learn their language
but people ask how you are
and walk away before you can tell them.
‘I’d rather be silent.’ She says.
‘At least being quiet is honest.’

You’ll come home seven years later
wearing your heart like a bruise
on the inside of your sleeve
‘mama,’ you’ll say, voice like a thunder crack
‘he said he loved me, and I believed him,
I shouldn’t have,
I think that he lied.’
She’ll be older then, but she’ll kiss you
just as tender, just as birdlike.
‘Is it my fault?’ You’ll ask.

She is half lioness, half woman. She is all roar.
‘Listen to me’ she calls you her soul again.
She says it in your language so you know
that she means it.
‘You are so infinitely tender,’ she takes the frown
of your face in her hands and holds it carefully

‘People will not always know what to do with that.
You can’t ever be sorry for the way you loved,
You can’t be sorry for who you loved.
Don’t ever let them bend you backwards
don’t let them make you hard or bitter.’
Her voice turns into a growl

‘You did not get this from me.
Somewhere inside of you there is rain.
Somewhere in your stomach,
something beautiful is growing
and it is infinite.
Don’t you let them try and take that from you,
you are open and you are a flood,
someday someone is going to want to die in you.’

   – “Jaan-E-Maan” by Azra Tabassum
(via 5000letters.tumblr.com)

(Jaan-E-Maan means “My Dear” in Persian and “Darling” in Urdu language.)

(Daily Post: Vanish, Sacred )

A Quest Of You

(WPC: Quest )
Processed with VSCO with a5 preset

Let me crawl into you like a tunnel to an abandoned city.
I’ll walk down the deserted road to your heart,
with caution and measured steps.

I’ll explore the wilderness under your chest.
My footsteps echo in the empty auditorium of your rib cage,
Whispering stories of ruins and remains.

Those wild dandelions smell of cigarettes and smoke,
You are poison and beauty,
A realistic illusion to behold.

You are a little more darkness than light at the moment.
As I walk through your city of broken hearts,
Some pieces hang from the non existent sky,
While some lay scattered on the dirt path.
I step on few by mistake,
I see you wither in pain.

I apologize for the inconvenience I’ve caused,
But there is something so extraordinary,
About treading uncharted territories,
To explore places that have never been touched before.

Let me walk through forsaken forgotten relics of your soul.
I promise I’ll not leave you emptier like the ones that came before.

I’ll rebuild you from ashes,
I’ll show you how beautiful your ruins are.
I’ll graze my knees on your asphalt heart.
I’ll stand on the boulevard of your shattered dreams and lost hope,
To rebuild them from scratch.
I’ll caress your skin until you come back to life.

Feel Darling, Feel.

Feel. I told myself feel. Don’t stop. You will not experience such pain again. So feel darling. Learn your lesson, down to the marrow of your bones. Why to never let them in again. So you learn from your mistakes.

Feel. Let it consume you. Let it reduce you to ashes. So when you come out beaten and broken at the other end, you know how to build walls as strong as mountains.

Let it paint you in scarlet red, blue, yellow and purple. Let it bruise you in colours you’ve never been bruised before. Feel darling, feel.

Let it burn you like the sun, scalding your skin, melting your insides. Watch yourself burn.

Let it destroy your heart like the hurricane on rampage. Feel it being blown to smithereens, every shard stabbing you, every scar being etched into your skin. Feel. Don’t escape. Don’t try to subdue this pain. Let it prick your every pore, one at a time. One by one.

Throb. Ache. Bleed.

Feel darling, feel.


( Silence )

Edge For You

(Edge: WPC)

There are days when even the earth spins with more sorrow and even the sky bleeds. I see it in your eyes, the anguish. You look away, trying to save me from it cuz you know I can always tell and that I will come running to share it with you.

I know there are nights, cold December wind chilling to your core adding to your suffering. I will be warm for you, I will cover you up. I will color your bleakness with what little shades of me I have left. I’ll cuddle you in and envelop you in my love.

There will be days and there will be nights. The one in between your smile and frown, in between your sadness and happiness. There will be lots of days and nights. But through it, I’ll stay with you. I’ll breathe with you and I’ll cry with you. In silence if that’s what you need. Because it’s a chance for me to be more than me, just for you.

It’s You.

She tasted of gunpowder and roses, just as beautiful and just as dangerous. She was smokes and mirrors. A reflection within a reflection, a forbidden act. She was ferociousness and tenderness in the same breath.

In the moment as we sat on that bench, my body ached for her. She was too much and too little at the same time. Much more than what she thought and much less than what I was making her out to be. She was untamed, unchained and unhinged.

Her pain was fueling the fire in her belly. I knew I could get burned. I knew I had to tread with caution but damn she was worth the burns.
And so I jumped.
To fall into her.

(In response to Weekly Discover Challenge: Designed for You )

Let Me Show You 

(WPC:Rare )

A Rare Plant


Give me your broken heart that barely beats, the scars on it sometimes still bleed, some wounds still fresh and open.

Give it to me, I’ll love it into healing until the scars turn into stars, until your beat starts to pick up pace. If nobody has done it yet, let me show you what’s it like to love you. 

Let me show you how you can love a sun, and feel it’s warmth without getting burned. How you can love a fading star and feel it’s light brighten up the world.

How you can love the ocean and feel the beauty in its raging waves. How you can love the shore even though it sends the ocean away.

And how you can love the moon and be its companion, although the howling wolf loves it just as much too.

Let me show you what’s it like to love you. 

I Am Flying

Snapseed

Weekly Photo Challenge: A Fun Day At My Friend’s Birthday Party

Today I’m flying.
Today I’m rising.

But not exactly in a way one might think. I mean I am high but not rising like rising from the ashes. My ashes aren’t rising, but they are soaring in the sky today and I’m flying. I’m suspended in space but spiraling out of control at the same time.

I am ascending myself. There is something in the air. I mean what’s happening?
Fuck. I. Am. Flying.

I ebb and flow between waves. I crash and stay. Fuck. I. Am. Falling.
Oh wait, I’m falling ! Am I falling?
Ah no, that was just a surge before sky rocketing!

I’m sitting on clouds sipping on some moonshine. Chilling!

Something’s wrong. Wait what’s wrong. Nothing’s wrong. Everything’s so right it feels wrong. My heart? Fuck. Oh now I know why I’m flying!

Today I’ll just zip and whiz and whisk.
Shoot and sail and dive.
I flip and hop and hover.

Fuck. I. Am. Flying.

(This is by far the most fun thing I’ve ever written. Even I don’t understand what it means. What do you guys think? 😀

P.S I promise I wasn’t high while writing this…At least not that way 😉 😀 )

Her.

She sits in front of me, a walking contradiction. A cigarette between her lips and a pack in her lap, a lighter in another hand flipping it on and off. She knew that drove me crazy and that I wanted her to stop but she got off on driving me crazy so I let her. This time I let her. I could tell the storm in her head was a little too much for her to bear today. I could see the blizzard in her eyes and tornado right on the tip of her tongue. She was a fiery combustion on most days but a cyclone of hurricane and angst on days like these. And the most damage she did was to herself.

“You shouldn’t smoke this much. I don’t have to tell you how unhealthy it is.” I tell her.

“F**k off. I don’t like you very much.” She says taking a long hard puff of her cigarette, that I’m pretty sure went as far down in her lungs as it possibly could. Poison seeping into its walls. She looked me in the eyes as if challenging me to stop her from this self inflicting harm. I don’t know what would hurt her more; me stopping her or letting her continue to do what she was doing. But one thing I knew for sure, I wanted her against the wall.

“It’s okay you don’t have to.”, I say. She wasn’t ocean’s water, she was the stormy raining sky. She was a downpour of defiance and sass.

“You think you know everything, but you don’t. And stop leaving your body to corrode. You need to stop letting them steal you from you so easily. You give yourself on a fucking plate. You are the kind they devour. The kind they relish while tearing apart piece by piece. The kind they ravage and enjoy. Stop please stop.”

The ash from the burning cigarette was falling off the edge at the end of her fingertips. And i felt like so was she; falling off the edge. Or was it me? I was the one falling for her. There was no saving me from the fall but I wanted to save her. She had enough damage done to her, another fall and I could feel that would break her. Shatter, more precisely. Her head and heart were already pretty disintegrated.

“Don’t tell me what to do and what not to do. Who the fuck do you think you are?” She roars. So headstrong and untamed. “Just let me be. This body is mine, let me do whatever I want with it.”

“What about the soul that houses in it?”

“What about it? Do you want it? Take it. All those that came before you wanted the same. Everybody wants a piece of it. Take it, whatever’s left of it. I don’t need it anymore. I don’t fucking care.” She threw away the cigarette she was smoking and reached for another
from her pack.

“Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

She contemplated for a second, flipping the lighter on and off between her fingers. She looked at me. She was unraveling me with her eyes and I felt it. I was a frightened boy trapped in a man’s body and she saw it. She kept staring at me quietly, and I felt weak. She was looking at me like she was deciphering me, like a code that cracked the moment she laid eyes on me. A part of me was afraid of what she’d find. Or if what she would find be worthy of her. Her gaze was scrutinizing. Maybe I should have just let her smoke, I mulled over my decision. She stopped playing with her lighter and eased back into her chair, her legs sprawled casually in front of her.

“Okay.”, she finally said. And her rain met with my athirst river.

(In response to Discover challenge: Portraits and Daily prompt:Maybe)