Very rarely in my life did I have any kind of breakdown.
Growing up, I was raised in what you can call a dysfunctional family. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed to have such a great family in form of a mother, father and brothers. They are the best mom, dad and brothers one can ask for and I’m thankful to God for that. But somehow collectively, when it comes to living together we always had fights. Disagreements between mother and father, mother and brothers, brother and brother, father and brother and I was always a silent spectator to all that shit.
All I remember from my childhood is crying in the corner and witnessing the fights between them. I don’t know why we could never work out together as a family because in person all of my family members are great.
Anyways, as I was a witness to all kind of fights from the childhood, I learned to suck it up. I doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me, it has scarred me for life but I wasn’t really vocal about it.
There are only two times I can recall, when I totally LOST IT !
One time was when there was a fight between my mom and my brother. It went so far as from verbally to hitting each other. I was probably 16 then, after we were able to get them off each other, I lost it. I said things to my mom, I said things to my brother, I threw off the muffler scarf I was wearing around my neck to the ground and said I was sick of this shit, tears rolling down my face. I don’t remember all the things I said as I was out of my mind. And I strode off to my bedroom crying. (why I call it a breakdown, mind you, is because I cried in front of my family, which I never do, yes I cry about each and everything but never in front of them. They think everything is fucking fine inside of my freaking head)
The second time was more recently. About a month ago I guess. It lasted for almost a whole week. The trigger for this breakdown was a fight with my mom. I cried so much, about every little thing that happened to me since my childhood to this day. I guess I was mourning in a way. I won’t say this was a closure to all the shit but it was SOMETHING. I remembered every single thing and cried for it and Just kept crying until I was tired of crying.
After 4 or 5 days of continuous crying, I guess I kind of ran out of tears and that was it.
Nobody knew about it. Nobody knows about it. And nobody ever will.