END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything coherent regarding my feelings and even longer since I have posted here on my blog. I’ve stopped writing for most part and when I would tell people about it all of them said one thing to me; Why? This is such a gift. To be able to put your feelings into words. Make your pain sound beautiful. So this is me trying. By the end of this two-part post I plan to achieve at least one thing; closure. Either a closure to this blog, or a closure to an era of my life. I guess we will see which one is it going to be by the end. 

The last 6 months of my university life were pretty eventful. This was the first time I was living away from home and independently, on my own. This was, for most part, one of the best period of my life. Not because it was all great but because, despite of so much drama and pain involved, I somehow emerged as a changed person finally. Not changed, as in fixed. But changed, as in stronger.

A childhood friend and I were standing on a rooftop holding sky lanterns in our hands, about to release it into the air. When she said, “wait hold on, We gotta wish for something before we do it.” so we both closed our eyes and wished. And there it went raising itself to the sky as soon as we let it go. It’s orange light seemed like hope against the black sky. We watched it fade into the night, becoming one with the stars. She turned towards me and asked, “so what did you wish for?” and I replied without a second hesitation, “To be happy”.

The one conflict most significant throughout this period was my struggle with the idea of ‘happiness’. My whole world revolved around the question ‘what is happiness’. I could not, for the life of me, understand it. Probably because it had been a long time since I had felt it. Probably because I could not comprehend why am I not happy despite of ‘seemingly’ having it all. With every single person I sat with, I used to ask them these questions, “what do you think happiness is?”, “what is happiness for you?” in desperate attempt to find some answers. I was a tangled mess. There was sadness and an obvious lack of happiness. But I lived for the moments. And these moments made me have the best time of my life.

I met so many different people, had so many amazing experiences along with some really bad ones but everything was worth it. My friend and I, once crashed some strangers wedding (we were invited but through friend of a friend and we knew nobody there except two other people). We all literally danced for 1 hour straight, ending up in a sweaty mess by the end of it. At one point even took our shoes off. Then we joined a train dance, with bride and groom on front. We danced our assess off, cuz 1)we knew nobody there and knew we were never gonna see them again either, so we went all in 2)It helped that some people on the dance floor were a bit tipsy so nobody cared what we were doing :D. It was a very memorable wedding for sure.

An extremely busy highway was once closed off due to some political protests. There was an overhead bridge which was empty as well cuz of that. Police was standing on either sides of the road monitoring. A friend and I sneaked on to the overhead bridge taking advantage of the darkness and sat in the middle of it in the shadows so nobody could spot us. We had a very deep conversation while sitting there looking over the deserted highway, scarce cars and mountains in the distance as night lights flickered. It was so beautiful, I could not stop just staring at the endless deserted highway in front of me from the top. We had to leave soon enough tho as police proceeded closer. It was quiet an adventure.

I will always remember roaming on the streets at night, eating out with almost no money in the pockets, catching an uber and just going to the first place that comes to mind. A friend took me to his (secret) favorite spot in the city. We sat on a specific corner and the whole city was widespread in front of me. It was hands down one of the best places I had been to. It was mostly quiet and very few people were roaming around as the night dawned in. It was cold winter night and we were freezing but the view was breathtaking. Breathtaking is an understatement. I could have spent an eternity there looking at the night lights; high rise distant building, cars speeding on the highways on three different sides, stadium lights flashing in the distance as the cold wind blew in my face. It felt like I was part of the night sky. The whole city looked to be immersed in million stars. The sadness in my heart acknowledging the beauty of those moments as well, while I sat on the wall trying to imprint the view into my eyes forever.

If there’s one thing I learned during this time period, it was how strong I can be. Especially two friends of mind, B and K, really helped me through it. They gave me strength when I thought I had none. It was only then I realized how insanely frail I used to ‘think’ I was. I struggled a lot with my self-worth, self-loathing and self-deterioration. There were days I was nothing but a flesh dripping with sadness unable to comprehend the person that I am. Thinking of myself as unworthy of love or care or affection. They both made me believe in myself. Of my worth. Of my ability to take decisions. I learned to see things through more positive perspective, how to take things easy and how to not give a fuck to every single person and situation in my life. I learned a lot about actions. We can apologize over and over but if our actions don’t change, the words become meaningless. You will come across so many people in your life who will claim to care for you and love you and be there for you, but there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions. Actions prove who someone actually is, words just prove who they want to be.

And just like that, Somewhere along the way, my struggle with the idea of ‘being happy’ blurred away. Perhaps I accepted the sadness as a part of me. Perhaps I accepted to be content with the moments in between. Perhaps I was happy but didn’t know I was. Perhaps I stopped looking for happiness cuz I knew the answers to my questions weren’t that easy. Perhaps I knew some day I will find it but not yet. Perhaps…

Next: Part 2 (Pain, Forgiveness and letting go)

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Rain and Reflections

(WPC: Mirror)

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She was sitting on the chair that barely fit her balcony, her feet perched on the damp rusted railing. It had been raining since morning. She was onto her sixth cigarette and her first glass of whiskey, befuddled about whether or not she liked the rain anymore. Rain drops slipping down the glass window like their words that used to slip down her heart. Effortlessly. Some words used to scratch and claw at her throat as she would try to swallow them whole, like gulping down warm beer. Some words were like silk being dragged across thorns. Agonizing.

Her loneliness. That emptiness. That’s why she smoked. To fill those empty crevices that people left, with toxins. A splendid metaphoric reminder of how they took away her pieces and left her with nothing in return. Not that she wanted anything in return. Or maybe just love? Only love. Oh maybe she was asking for far too much, that silly girl. Who could have given her love? She was one glass of bourbon and one line of cocaine away from death. Hanging on to life by a thin string of her loneliness. That stupid girl.

Back to rain, so she kind of loved rain. It was an excellent accomplice to her demise. At least it was there as she cried. A perfect muse, to mask the tears.

But she kind of hated the rain, it reminded her of her solitary confinement within her own self. The way it would cover her feet with mud reminding her of how unclean her soul was. Fuck, she needed to drink more. She needed to drown her soul clean, even if it meant baptizing herself in poison. Rain was too pure for her. She was too contaminated to be cleaned by something so pristine. Maybe gasoline was a better option. Or even better, absinthe. She was meant for things like absinthe. Or rather things like absinthe were meant for her. That was the only thing that could handle the mourning in her every breath. Everything else was too feeble for her prowliness and too languid to supplement her solitude.

She was sitting on the chair, her legs crossed that once used to wrap around sheets so damn perfectly, her hair that once used to be gripped with conviction, her eyes that once used to reflect constellations, her lips that once used to bleed with passion. Now, everything seemed senile in that deafening silence that surrounded her. So she just smoked some toxins and drank some poison, and just hoped for the suffering to seep out of her being, pore by pore.

Let Me Show You 

(WPC:Rare )

A Rare Plant


Give me your broken heart that barely beats, the scars on it sometimes still bleed, some wounds still fresh and open.

Give it to me, I’ll love it into healing until the scars turn into stars, until your beat starts to pick up pace. If nobody has done it yet, let me show you what’s it like to love you. 

Let me show you how you can love a sun, and feel it’s warmth without getting burned. How you can love a fading star and feel it’s light brighten up the world.

How you can love the ocean and feel the beauty in its raging waves. How you can love the shore even though it sends the ocean away.

And how you can love the moon and be its companion, although the howling wolf loves it just as much too.

Let me show you what’s it like to love you. 

Harmony In Sentiments

Weekly Photo Challenge: Harmony

Harmony

One Word Prompt: Sentimental

I believe we can dance,
Under the moon lit sky and warm summer nights.

We shall move and swirl,
While getting soaked in our endless love.

We can dance and forget.
Hold on to each other like moon holds tides of the ocean.
Strongly, fiercely and firm.

We can crash into each other,
Like waves of the ocean crash into the rocks,
Leaving marks of passion and love.

We can gaze and gaze,
Endlessly at each other’s face,
Like a long lost traveler has finally found its long lost destination,
Its final resting place.

We can dance and move,
To the rhythm of warm breeze,
That grazes our skins with its sweet ting.

We can step to the Galaxies,
And move through Constellations,
Every step forward leading us to Infinity.

If Only

If only I could tell you,
I’m much more than what I appear.
I’m much more than what I lead on.
I’m much more than bones and skin…
I’m much more soul.

If only I could tell you,
How the walls are strong and standing,
But everything inside is crumbling apart.

If only you knew…
I wish you’d knew,
I love so much yet show so little.

There is so much inside waiting to explode.

I wish some day I would explode,
Into the sky,
And become one with the Stars.

If only we understood,
People are not what they seem,
There is so much that goes inside there fickle weary hearts,
So much to say…
So little said.

If only you knew….
I have never been what I seemed.

Nature and Love

Quote of the Week
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 Song Of The Week

Now last but not least for this week’s photo challenge I’ve chosen this photograph. It might not look like much but it was a really frightening yet adventurous experience at the same time, where we truly got to see the force of nature. My friend and I got a chance to explore these Ruins of an old abandoned Hindu Temple. It was already cloudy but the rain had stopped for a little while just enough for us to go wander about the ruins. But nature played us. As soon as we got in the heart of that huge creepy place it started raining cats and dogs, along with thunderstorms. We had no umbrella either. It was getting dark too. And let’s admit running around an old Hindu temple alone wasn’t the most preferable place to be at that point in time with no other person on site. So we ducked beneath one of the structures in the ruins waiting for the rain to stop (While praying something or somebody won’t attack us) and this is when I took this picture. You can see the rain drops on the photo as the darkness surrounded us.

All I gotta say now is: Well played nature well played!Force

(A little side note: I know I’ve been away for a while so hadn’t had a chance to visit your blogs and see what you’ve been up to. I will try to catch up with you guys in the coming days. Thanks for sticking up with me. Love, Zee.)

What To Write?

This poem is as a result of collaboration between Maria And I. We were chatting and she suggested we should write something together but then we couldn’t decide what we should write about. So it just went from there and we came up with this. It was a pleasure writing this with her. Here is the final piece:

We can write about betrayal.
Or we can write about snow and fairies
We can write about a deep pit of sorrow
or we can write about rains that fall like mercies.

You are right, We can write about anything,
We can write about how life throws curve balls at you,
And then leaves you around to wallow in your misery
Or we can write about how beautiful it is,
The very small things,
Sunsets and the sunrises,
Flowers and the trees,
Birds and the bees,
Shooting stars, moon and the sea

We can write about love– the ever clichéd, vast word containing worlds
Or we can write about friends, who turn strangers, and strangers who turn foes.
We can write about sadness, how it gnaws one from inside
Bitter truths and false hopes, and how between it life flows.
We can write about anything, you see, as long as we can find light around
For when it turns pitch black, we won’t be left with even this.

You are right my friend, For writing is a spill way,
The words flood, With emotional tides,
Some times low, sometimes high rise,
It’s in these moments where we can’t do anything else,
We find words and pen them down,
For when darkness takes over, Even words seem to run short,
No light, no hope.

For the darkness is so so bad,
It leaves you around with all things sad.
And then you sit in the corner, waiting for some light to pour.
Until then tears are your best friend to hold.

Tears wash your face and stay with you,
As the loneliness tears every inch inside of you.
You scream and shout,
To let it all out
You hurt yourself,
You let it bleed,
Till all you are left with, are wounds and peels.

Well Well Well….

Uhem *Clears Throat*
tumblr_static_hello_-_the_masterAnybody there?!
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So, Uhem, What’s up Ladies and Gents?!!
tumblr_lvtqujHmBv1qjabl6o1_500I know I know, What are y’all thinking…Yes, I’m alive. Barley made it out from the other end but yeah alive.

So where was I all this time?

*scratches head*

Wellllll….I wish I had a perfectly good explanation for it…I sat here thinking for the longest time to come up with a perfect explanation but there isn’t any, to be honest. Or maybe there is I just can’t put it to words. I just needed time and space to clear my head, or so I thought. One day I just decided to get away from everything connected to this blog, any related accounts, everything. So I did. Why I didn’t inform beforehand? Well I just came out from hiatus like what? A week or two ago from this? It just felt inappropriate to go again and make a big deal out of it all. I challenged myself to be away for one week only, just to set a realistic goal, then I found out I can do this so it just extended as finals came up and now how long has it been? One month and 20 days? Well who was counting anyways *Puft*

I can say I had final exams, but those were way later in the start of February, January was a whirlwind too. I didn’t expect 2015 to be awesome or good to me, All I wanted was for it to be better than 2014 at least. Guess what? It proved to be way more shittier than 2014 and it’s just the start of the year. Hah! What can I say…JUST-MY-FUCKING-LUCK ! -_-

(This post is going to have shit load of sarcasm because that’s how I feel since my life has been unicorns shooting rainbows out of their assess since the day this year started, please notice the happiness dripping out of my words! ^.^ )

So did this break from blogging do me any good? Aiiiinnnn, Not so much. I’m stuck right where I was before, same old same old. Except now I have some more shit for me to whine about here. Hola!!! SO EXCITED -__-

Screaming_internallyLet the whining begin:

I worked my ass off for finals. I think it’s safe to say I haven’t studied so hard in my life before. I’m used to sacrificing my sleep for exams, but usually that’s just a week before the exam and during the exam season but this time around I started prepping three full weeks beforehand. I swear to God sitting from 3 am to 6 pm and onwards continuously in the same spot studying like you are a donkey for so many weeks is such a great feeling! Like honestly I wouldn’t even believe myself but time flies by when you sit with a course book in front of you at 3 am with so much to study and suddenly it’s 6 pm and whatt??!! I have been sitting at the same fucking spot for so long??? I have developed acute lumbar back pain which I’m sure is ready to turn chronic If I don’t start taking care of it.

Not to mention the compliments I’ve gotten on my dark circles, “Hey your Mascara/Eye Liner is running down your eyes”

Me: *Looks in the mirror* And to my absolute horror, “Oh These….are actually my dark circles.”  That is how deep they have impinged themselves on my face that now it seems like makeup has run down my eyes. Another awesome feeling to have! #SoGrateful! :’) (Girls, any good concealers you are willing to recommend here would be of great help 😉 )

Just a week before my finals were about to start, I got ghastly sick. I have never been this sick in my life before. Either it was my mental exhaustion taking a physical toll on me or someone did voodoo on me for sure. Also I got to know how fucking great it feels to throw up. Believe it or not I had not vomited since I was very very little, totally forgot how It felt, but hey life was like “what, you forgot? Puft, Let me remind you bitch” So then that started. (Well it was partially my fault, took a heavy antibiotic with an almost empty stomach. In my defense, I said ‘Almost’ not completely empty.)

What? You think it ends there? Oh no that was just the start of my health decline graph. As I have never been so sick in my life before, let alone during exams, and that DURING FINALS, I just could not afford to be sick, I had no choice but to keep studying, no adequate rest and shit so I had to take bunch of pills to keep myself going. I had not taken so many pills in my life before as I had to take in one go at one time during the day in the past few weeks. Couple of 650 mg’s antibiotics against fever, cold, sore throat and whatnot. Then just a day before my Biochemistry exam I had severe respiratory congestion. #FeelingBlessed :’)

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But hey you can’t die since you have exam the very next day ! 🙂

I could not breathe and I totally thought I was gonna die or worst not being able to give the exam the next day which I worked so hard for. Anyways I did give the exam somehow, To be honest it’s still a little blur though, Just between you and me,  I think it’s because I was a bit high from all the pills.

So what I have ended up with is a gag reflex of a two years old. My Gag reflex has become so strong I can throw up on a drop of a hat now, like seriously.  Oh and what a marvelous feeling it is to have experienced after so long and so frequently now! Just like oozing out rainbows ! Yaeyyyy for that! \o/ #SweetLife -_-

So throughout this time I was bound to have number of mental breakdowns which I would categorize as follows:

#1 Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

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Absolutely Out-Of-Hand Emotions

#2 Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

Questioning the Higher Providence

#3 Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

Stage of Acceptance

#4 The most Dangerous of them all: Meredith Breakdown!

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Still stuck on this stage.

Oh and that’s only tip of the iceberg shit that happened during the time I was gone. I’d rather skip the other shit filled details in my life that happened along the way, they are not half as fun to write about. So in a nutshell I’m completely and utterly, physically, more so mentally exhausted by now.


THE BEST THING THOUGH:

I opened my blog after so long aaaaaaaaaaaandddddd
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A huge thanks to  Jithin, Nad , Rob, Upasana for checking up on me while I was away by leaving such sweet and concerning comments for me to read when I came back.

Trent, Thank you for buying Chords of Life and updating me about it!

Saadia, thank you for the Real Neat Blog Award.

Thankssss to Maryam, for joining me on my blogging journey and leaving so many beautiful and heart warming comments. Welcome to all the other new readers who have joined in and followed. I’ll meet you up on your blogs soon ❤

A special thanks to Maria, Bhakti and Kruti for keeping me sane and as a constant support behind the curtains.

There are so many comments I have got to reply to, Just let me get back on my blogging feet, I’ll reply soon and start catching up on what you guys have been up to on your blogs as well! It’s not entirely possible for me to catch up on each and every one of your posts since the past month and more, so please feel free to leave a link to any of the old posts you might  want me to give a read, I would love to check them out!

I hope you guys would forgive me for this unannounced break. See ya soon ❤ ❤

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Don’t forget I LOVE YOUUUU all…!!!