October Is Here.

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Wow, I can’t believe it’s been an year! I wrote this following poem last October but never got around to sharing it. So I thought it’s only appropriate now that another October is here, to post this as an Ode to this month of dying beauty. It’s also a testament to how far I’ve come as a writer and most importantly feeling comfortable enough to share my work with the world. It brings back all kind of nostalgia to think I couldn’t share this last year but now I’m ready to own my writings and the writer in me. So without further due here it is.
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October is here and September is gone,
while November is soon to come.

The days turn to nights and nights into days,
While I wait for your return.

Standing on the threshold of our dreams,
I stand gazing upon the autumn trees.

The crisp air swooshes by me,
And leaves filled with color fall upon my feet.

I melt into the October sky,
I reflect how so many months have since passed by,
while I wait with my tears all dried,
And coffee turned cold.

The morning sun peeks through the autumn trees,
Solemn air mourns and weeps.
I need your warmth to save me,
From the cold dark nights that are soon to embrace me.

October is here, but not you.
Not yet.

Maybe November, maybe December.
Or maybe in January February.
Someday you will return,
Whether it’s March, April, June or July.

I will wait for you forever,
Even through August and September.

And then October will come again,
Bringing back memories of the day you left.
Leaving behind a flesh of heaving weeping mess,
Stranded on the doorway tracing your footsteps.

October is here again, but not you.
Not yet.

( Nostalgia )

Just A Dream

I have these dreams….
Where I’m running..running and running…Away from something…someone. I don’t know who or what.

All I know is I’m running for my life. To save myself.

I’ve had these same dreams since my childhood, since I can remember I’ve had it. Me running from someone, someone following me but the interesting part is I never get caught. Never.

Same dream over and over again just the scenarios are different now. It’s around the same area. I’m running either around my childhood home, the area surrounding it where I grew up climbing walls, trees and what not.

Or the area where I’m residing now. Or the area between my old and new home.The area never changes. It’s never the unknown. I always know where to run where to go.

When I was little, they were plain and simple, someone trying to catch me and me running for my life in a simple street around my old house. Now they have become much more complicated, The area where I’m running has expanded. Maybe now my subconscious knows of more area so it’s between my old and new house. They are not very far. 10 minutes drive tops. Sometimes it’s not just me there are some random people running with me too.

These are not nightmares. I won’t call them as nightmares. It doesn’t mean I don’t wake up scared, my heart beating fast, disoriented but aren’t nightmares suppose to be……I don’t know much worse? Where you wake up screaming?

After spending 14 years in my childhood house, we shifted to this new house. In my 14 years in that house since I can remember I’ve had those dreams. Same thing over and over. When we shifted to the new house they kind of stopped…or I think they did. We’ve been here for 5 years now. The dreams started again last year

Now the dreams are much more…grand I would say. As I said now the area has expanded, between the area of my old and new house. I’m running… I can’t get the running out of my head. The fear. The anticipation.
I’ll have to admit the dreams are sometimes exhilarating ! I wake up and adrenaline is pumping through my veins but it is frustrating. Sometimes I feel physically and mentally exhausted. Why I was compelled to write about it after all these years was because I’ve had these dreams in succession since 3 days. Today was exceptionally different as when my eyes opened suddenly, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would explode out of my chest. It was as if I’d run a mile or two in reality. .My heart was literally hurting from beating so fast.

I’ve never mentioned my dreams to anyone except just once to my best friend. She took it to more spiritual side and said maybe it’s some evil following you but the fact that you never get caught is it means that evil can’t get to you. You are safe.

I don’t understand why do I have these dreams? Do other people have it too? The running thing? Or is it just me? I think it is somehow connected to my childhood. I don’t fully understand or understand it at all but I would like to know….I really want to know why I have these dreams. Is this even normal? Or am I going fucking crazy?

Mac-Dreamy

“This week, we’d like to see an image that looks dreamy to you. A photo of a place you often visit in dreams. A snapshot of your dreamy boy- or girlfriend. A scene that looks a bit out-of-this world. Take us on a flight of fancy!” – Weekly photo Challenge

I hope this photo is dreamy enough 😉
I experimented a bit with different effects for this photograph. Can you guys guess what this is??!!

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Haters Gonna Hate

Have you dreamt of becoming famous? What would your claim to fame be? Comedy? Acting? Writing? Race car driving? Go!

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I’d say comedy and certainly NOT acting because I can’t keep a straight face. Even in serious situations people think I’m kidding with them because I can’t hold back a smile except when my ass is really on fire or something. If you are pulling a prank on someone, just DON’T add me, I repeat DO NOT add me in your plan because I’ll end up blowing the cover off unless the person on which you are playing prank is really that stupid to not see my smiling face.

I have always dreamt of being famous. Between you and me, I take my own interviews just to put myself in the scenarios where I would go on talk shows and hosts will ask me questions. O C’mon stop judging, A girl gotta be prepared for anything! (And YES this means I talk to myself )

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I don’t have good memory, but these days one doesn’t need a brain to be famous, I mean look at Kanye West ! So I’ll be like: “Oh I’m Sorry I don’t have a photographic memory but my brain is already too busy being awesome.”

I know so many people are jealous of me but I can’t help it that I’m popular, Duh!

Believe me if Nicki Minaj and Justin Beiber can be famous so Can I ! *Offense Intended*

Ever since I was little I considered myself being famous, arriving on the red carpet (Preferably NOT like Lady Gaga), flashes of camera, Someone screaming “I Love You” and I’ll be like:
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Boys and girls gonna be crushing on me, some even fainting on my mere sight:
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So I can already see it happening, just right around the corner, not too far. Take my autograph while you can people, because when you see it getting sold on E-Bay for more than 10000$ you are gonna regret it !

And to all my haters:
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Note: This post was written in response to Daily Prompt and ONLY for a good laugh, NO offense intended. (If you didn’t laugh, then….you obviously don’t find me funny, NOT my fault! )

Sleeping Beauty

Daily Prompt: What kind of sleeper are you? Do you drop off like a stone and awaken refreshed, or do you need pitch black and silence to drift off to dream?

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Well it depends upon the situation…

For quiet a while now I don’t care where I am I just have to drift off ! Due to my tough routine of constant traveling everyday, I have to wake up at 5:30 am to board the bus at 6:30 am. I can’t sleep early at night because I come home at 5:30 pm that too by bus. I either lay down for a while and get back to studying as soon as I can because If I once fall asleep I can’t wake up. I’m too tired to wake up again. So I sleep late at night at 1 or 2 am. This gives me only 3-4 hour sleep at night which obviously results with me wanting to sleep EVERYWHERE!

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As I mentioned in my previous post of a love story that I’m asleep during almost all of the lectures. No kidding ! The urge to sleep during that time is so damn high that I  just can’t resist. I even told my parents the only reason I go to university is to keep my attendance because even though I sit in class but my attention is just not there, I just want to put my head on that blue arm rest and drift off into the land of fairy tales (Okay maybe not that, but anywhere but there in the class ! ) My parents don’t say anything because my result is good I still study well so nothing to worry about.

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That was the story of sleeping when I’m in the class but even when I’m out with friends, I’m totally spaced out. I just want to rest my head somewhere and take a sweet little nap.
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Then there is sleeping on the bus but before that there is a part of waiting for it. I’m at the bus stop, extremely tired from a long day, I just need a bed, scratch that I don’t even need a bed, I can work with the pavement, just DON’T stare at me as I droll over the cement ! I do fear that this is gonna happen to me in the near future:
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Now comes the part of sleeping on the bus of course. Ooo ye sweet sleep come to mama !!! (Okay that sounded way funnier in my head) . I like the window seat because I can rest my head on the window or get really comfortable in whichever position. As I told you before in one of my posts Traveling In Hell is NOT easy due to the cheap boys in my bus, If only I could throw them out of the window one by one in front of the oncoming trailer ! It’s really hard when I’m not sitting on the window seat, if I’m in the middle and there are two total strangers on my each side I’d like to keep my eyes open just so any funny business won’t happen and If I’m in the most corner seat with a stranger on my one side and Nothing on my other side not even an arm rest, There is a very high chance that this would happen:
tumblr_mlgymifjwt1s02vreo1_400I’m already informing you of this, that above thing can and most probably WILL happen to me in the near future so be prepared for the post were I tell you guys of the most humiliating account of my life ! (You can thank me later)

But nothing can stop me from sleeping, because in the words of honey boo boo….
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Oh and did I tell you it is never a good idea to sleep on the bus door?
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Okay now I need to sleep, Peace out !
gru

Where I Don’t Feel Alone

A while back I watched this video which really touched me . I want to share this beautiful piece with you guys as well. Its cinematography is stunning but the message it contains is much more important. I can relate with this because we all need a place where we don’t want to feel alone. We all have dreams that we want to fulfill and last forever.

This is her story:

On May 28, 2012, my brother Daniel died by suicide. At age sixteen he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. For five years he went in and out of psychotic episodes multiple times. During the final episode he decided life was too much and he wanted peace from the torment of his mind.

Soon afterwards I began wondering what would’ve happened if he hadn’t ended his life; what would he be like in 10 – 15 years from now? He made his decision and was ready to leave this earth, but I wanted to create a situation in which that wouldn’t have happened. I wanted to make an imaginary flash forward to the future and maybe what it would’ve been like if he hadn’t killed himself. I hope that he would’ve been happy and found a passion that he loved and worked towards becoming great at. Although that didn’t happen – I know with my whole heart that in heaven he found peace, happiness, and freedom from his suffering.

This entire piece was a self-filmed production.

Music: To Build a Home – The Cinematic Orchestra.
Older dancer: Mia Bendele – En Croix (Homeschool Ballet) Dance Fort Wayne.
Younger girl: Me

Here is the beautiful video by Esther Boller:

(Please note I’m not in any shape or form stealing her work, I just want to share this with the world so all of you can also watch and  appreciate her work. Thank you)

A Matter Of Perspective

Perspective…Google says that it is “a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.”

For most of us what others think of us or talk about us is the perspective that matters. I used to believe the same but as of today I beg to differ. I was watching this drama and I liked the perspective with which it approached the concept of rumors and gossips.

We live in a society where “what would people say if…..”  has killed more dreams than I can count. We are so worried about our perspective in everybody else’s eyes that along the way we may have started to lose ourselves and not even know it.

There is this pressure to be Perfect. If not perfect than at least close to be one. Worst thing about it is not the pressure of being perfect,  there is nothing wrong with pursuing perfection , the worst and the most saddest part is the pressure to be perfect in front of people. How we present ourselves in front of others is all what matters, doesn’t matter how and what we are alone or what demons we hide inside of ourselves. The sadness , the despair , the hopelessness.

I see myself and what I am from inside doesn’t reflect of what I am outside. Not absolutely or completely but to some extent, it is true.

Then there is GOSSIPS & RUMORS….I feel like our whole entire existence revolves around it now. The magazines, the newspapers , the Internet , 75% of it is filled with rumors and gossips. How much of it do you think is actually based on facts?

Studying in a university I, myself am guilty as charged of gossiping and believing in rumors. I’m sorry to admit but it was one of our favorite things to do. I enjoyed hearing about other people flings and affairs, personal drama and even religious beliefs. How much of it was based around facts, I can’t be absolutely sure. (Surprisingly most of stuff ‘I’ heard did turn out to be true but that doesn’t change the fact that I was involved in gossiping about other people behind their back)

What I can’t understand though is why are we, me , so interested in other people lives??? What they are doing, what they are wearing, who they are dating, who they are fighting with etc etc. I fail to understand this. We have this need to know all that stuff about other people but I don’t know why.

The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe we try to be so involved in other people’s lives because we are fed up with our own. We need an escape from our own lives at times and the best way to ignore our life problems is to plunge ourselves into other people problems. Thinking and talking about other people gives us a chance to keep ourselves from peeking into our own collars. What do you think? I may not entirely be right but that’s the only SANE explanation I’m able to come up with.

The reason why I took the route to gossips and rumors is that we ourselves are at times subject of a particular rumor or gossip and why do we care so much what people think of us?

Why only what we think of ourselves is not enough?

You know the truth, I know the truth. Screw other people. But the problem is Its easier said than done.

Though you and I, we can take this one step at a time, first by being comfortable in our own skin. As long as you think that you are a good person , as long as you are comfortable in wearing what you like, as long as you believe you are doing the right thing, as long as you are strong enough to handle it and as long as people or the person you love see you for who you really are. That is all what matters, Doesn’t it?

“EVERYTHING ELSE……IS JUST NOISE.”

(Inspired by an episode of The Carrie Diaries.)