I Don’t Want It

I don’t want the truth from anyone because…
And I’ve been disappointed so far.

A Damsel In Distress?

“Until you let someone in, You’ll always be alone”

I read this line as I was scrolling down my news-feed on Facebook. And it made me realize a huge part of what I’ve been going through for the past few months. I’ve never felt alone in my life before until the past few months. Even though I have always been alone, in a way that I had no sister, my brothers were too old, my both parents had a job So I’ve been used to spending time alone and I never minded that. I never remember being bored, I was happy spending time alone. To be honest I found people who ranted “Oh I feel alone”  a little too annoying. I never understood the concept of it. But for the first time in my life when I felt alone, I couldn’t comprehend how could it be?

Me? I’m not suppose to feel that way? I was very naive of that feeling. Now that I think about it I felt that way because I was really in a bad place and I needed someone. I’ve never felt the NEED to need someone before, Do you get it? For the first time in my life I actually needed someone….but no one was there. Either it was lack of my inability to express or it was other people, I felt alone nevertheless. I had to deal with all of that pain and depression alone. Believe me when I tell you HOW BADLY I needed someone to give me a shoulder, tell me not to cry, to tell me that everything’s going to be alright or to just sit with me when I cried bucket of tears holding me in their embrace. The only person I found who was there for me…was ME.

After all that depression, I felt bare and sensitive so I needed someone but nobody was there so it pushed me farther into the deep pit of loneliness.I felt disappointed with people. All of them whom I called friends were just not…there. They didn’t give a shit.

I had to save myself, I was done feeling sorry for myself, I was done being a damsel in distress so I dealt with it the only way I could, The only way I found would work. I distanced myself away from people. Because nothing good comes out of expectations. I expected and I was let down. So NO MORE!

This is my motto now a days. I have successfully distanced myself away from people…at least emotionally. I have literally shut myself off sensitivity wise. Don’t worry it’s not in a creepy, boxed-myself-in-a-corner-of-my-room-and-started-wearing-black-and-heavy makeup-listening-to-shitty-music kind of way !

I just try not to feel anymore. The lesser I connect emotionally with people the lesser chance of getting hurt by them.

So coming to the reading that line about letting someone in, I agree with it. I do. Wholeheartedly. But I haven’t found someone worth letting in, That is the problem. Every time I try, I get knocked down with a punch of disappointment. So until I find that someone, Here’s to being alone !

Pain Of Anticipation

Daily Prompt: A Bend in Time

When you’re giddy with excitement, does time speed up? Slow down? Tell us about the experience of anticipation.

Ah, anticipation !

A punishment in itself (at least thats what i think)

Why a punishment, you ask ?

Because anticipation requires WAITING !

And waiting is HELL ! (worst than listening to Nickie Minaj and Justin Bieber sing like a bunch of cats growling at night even!)

Who doesn’t hate waiting? Whether it is waiting for your turn to get a coffee, or waiting for your final’s result or waiting for a doctor’s appointment….No, i should cut off doctor’s appointment, after all who likes to go to a doctor. (The minute I think about a doctor i see hands in latex gloves holding a big,huge needle waiting to stick it in my ass! )

My experience with waiting and anticipation is worst than Kristen Stewart’s expressions (And all of us who know even just a little about her, know this as well that nothing can be worse than her expressions but my bad experience sadly triumphs over her expressionlessness )

Anticipation makes my insides go all gooey!
My stomach turns into knots and it’s like deers are running around ramming their horns into wall of my stomach instead of butterflies fluttering ! (Thanks God I don’t get sweaty palms though )

But the worst part is, time passes by so slow that I can run to end of the earth and back and still time wouldn’t pass !
I’d rather listen to KARDASHIANS bicker about their money all day and rub their happiness in my face than wait ! (waiting is that hard for me, you see! )

Then comes the disappointment, when after all this waiting and enduring the pain of anticipation, things don’t turn out the way I’d want them to….
BUT on the other hand it’s awesome when things do turn up the way i want them to.

Its a 50\50 chance. And there is no other option but to take those chances!
(I’d still rather eat Anchovies and broccoli, walk in Sahara Desert  bare foot and listen to One direction squeak than wait!  )