A Dark Night

I remember clutching my chest, trying to rip that heart out which was causing so much pain. Or maybe I was clutching my chest to stop it all from pouring out. For it to not spill out of my chest because if it did who would have picked up the broken pieces of my heart. So there i was clutching my chest hoping that the pain, emotional pain would stop. I learned that this emotional pain is not just something that’s described in the books, as a work of art or as an master piece , its as real as breathing, its as real as death. Its not just fiction or something you hear about. It was right there, hurting me so much.

Clutching my chest as tears escaped my eyes. Slouched, curled up. As if that would make it stop. Or at least make it hurt less.

Damn me for hoping though, the pain was there almost every day. The same repetitive routine. I was tired. Emotionally and physically drained. Trying to mend my heart which felt so dirt stricken. It felt so clogged. I could feel and see the dark patches on it. The darkness slowly taking over it. Waiting to swallow it whole. A dark hole. Sucking every piece of it inside. I knew soon I would be left with a dark hole in place of a heart…I had almost completely lost myself somewhere. I tried but i was nowhere to be found…searching searching…..searching…

Release Me

Daily Prompt: Release Me
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/20/daily-prompt-free/

Tell us about the blog post you were most nervous to publish — and what it was like to set it free.
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I’ve a hard time talking about my feelings but through writing, I’ve found a way to release. I still have a hard time writing about somethings but Well its a start…maybe someday I’ll be courageous enough to write about that stuff.

So far there are two blog posts I had a hard time writing about and was a little nervous if I should write about it or not.

One of them was the Battle with myself, why I was nervous about writing it was because that was the first time I came close to hurting myself. Sure I had thoughts about it before but I never came so close to do it. One of the reasons was because I had strong faith. My faith made me hold on to the glimmer of light and hope. But in those days I was a little out of faith, I’ve to admit I became close to becoming depressed, maybe I did become depressed. And in that slight moment of discretion I became too close to hurting myself.
To be honest I wasn’t courageous enough to do it (People keep telling me that it doesn’t mean I was a coward, It means I was strong enough to resist it, but I don’t think that was the case. If I even had a ounce of courage in me, I would have cut myself for sure. I was that depressed.)
Well anyways, I’m glad I wasn’t able to do it. Thanks God, my weakened faith started to get stronger. That EPISODE of depression faded away. I’m glad I was able to write about it and release my anger through that.

The second post has to be Rest In peace series (part 1 & part 2). I wasn’t nervous about writing this post, but It was hard for me to write about it. Coping with death is not easy. There was no one I could talk to, I’m not very vocal about how I feel so family wasn’t on my list to talk to about it. My best friend couldn’t be here at that time. So to be honest I couldn’t wait to write about it. The very first thing I did when I came back from the funeral was to write about it. I wanted to get it all out. To tell someone about every detail about it. But to tell the whole world about it was the hard part. I was unsure how people would react to it. I couldn’t bear anything bad being said about that, because that post was very close to me.

But eventually I did write about it. I did publish it. I was able to get it all out. Most importantly, as i wrote the Part 2: Peace Of The Present Moment , Everything became clearer and clearer to me, I was able to get a good lesson out of it. I felt more at peace with myself. Obviously it still hurts to think about my niece, it still hurts every time I look at my brother and see his sad smile but life goes on…We have to move on and as I said before, Learn to live in peace of the present moment.
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Sadness is a Blessing !

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Sadness….such a sad word, isn’t it ?

This is one word that everyone on the planet can relate to because admit it or not we all have been sad in our lives more times than we can dare to count.
Sadness is like a dark fluffy cloud that can cover us with the hail of loss, thunder of despair and a flood of hopelessness and just like acidic rain drench us in the shower of sorrow ultimately leading us to the dark pit of depression !

I’ve been there, I think its safe to say that everybody have been there.For a long time I was naive and couldn’t see the reason of sadness. Why does God makes us go through such pain? Whats the point of it all ? I mean to be honest God is God and if He wanted, He wouldn’t make us go through all of it.

It took me a long time to realize that if we were always happy, if we always got what we wanted, what we desired , what we loved then we wouldn’t really appreciate it ‘cuz lets face it we are human beings, its in our nature to be unappreciative and ungrateful.

With us, its always “Grass is always greener on the other side”.
Even if we got what we wanted we would always spend our time admiring the OTHER SIDE no matter how damaged it is from up close.

So, to avoid all of it, I think God devised a plan to make us contended with our lives and to be happy with what we have. He invented sadness so when we became ‘Not Sad’ and happy we would appreciate his blessings. And I think His planned worked a 100 %. I hope i am not going out of limb to say this but i sincerely believe that, “Sadness is a blessing” !