A Thousand Deaths


She was dying a thousand deaths and I couldn’t save her from the carnage taking place right in front of me. I could see her struggle to breathe with every gasp of air that felt as thick as molten lava slipping down her throat. And she had no other option but to chug it. Let it burn holes through her windpipe with every intake.

The pain though, was in her eyes. It was an avalanche and I could see her asphyxiate under it. There was a torrent of undiluted anguish- as crude and concentrated as venom. And I could see how with every thump of her heart beat, it was being pushed down her veins and into her arteries. Deeper, deeper, deeper. Much deeper than I could ever manage to reach.

I could do nothing but sit there and watch that pain gush out of her system like flood, as an outpouring flux engulfing me. If only she didn’t have to die a thousand deaths in front of me. If only our love wasn’t a tragedy. If only saving her was as easy as holding her hand at this very moment. If only, if only, if only.

If only she would lift up her head and see me looking at her. She would understand, how somethings are not meant to be fixed. Somethings are better left broken. Because sometimes, broken is beautiful and so is she.

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Side note: This post is dedicated to everyone who has ever suffered from loss. For anyone who has known grief. For anyone who knows what it’s like to lose someone you love. Whether the loss was physical in the form of death or an emotional/metaphorical loss. I see your pain and I know how it feels❤️

(Daily post: MissingNew Horizon)

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I’ve Lost Again.

I thought my heart could know no more pain..
But i was wrong.
Today it hurts so much… I feel like it would burst..
Burst into spontaneous flames… And turn into dust…
That is how much it hurts.

But these words? Aren’t enough.
Today it hurts too much…
Today all I know is pain..
And I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be the same.

And the day after that, and the day after too…
till I lose all sense of time and space.

Please God, oh please tear this heart away,
I don’t want a heart that causes so much pain..
Today words fail me to explain.

Today this heart will turn to ashes, and I’ll take it in my hands and throw it towards the sky.. in hopes that it will mix with rain.. come back to Earth, washed and anew again.
Either that or disappear into the thin air so I won’t get to feel this way all over again.

Today it hurts too much… Too too much,
since words fail me over and over.

I really really hope this heart turns to dust, as it is already crushed…

For I’ve lost again…
And I cannot comprehend why do I get so little time,
With people I love…

I know I’m being selfish here,
There are people who must be hurting much more than us,
But I’ve been called selfish before,
Let’s not prove them wrong anymore.

So I’m being selfish, yes.
But today It’s hurting too much..
For I’ve lost someone…
Just like the time before that, and the time before that.

Is it because I do not deserve love?
Or is it because that’s how life works?
Whatever it is, all I know is, I lose people…
Too early and Too damn much.

No More.

One day I will die and all that would be left of me would be an echo. With time even that would disappear.Some will hold few memories but even those would dissipate with time. And all that would be left of me in this world will be nothing but a name who once existed…but no more.

In response to Daily Prompt

Out Of Breath

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“We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.”

― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Oh I Miss you So So Much…

I don’t know why I was reminded of her today. Her beautiful face I’d barely seen twice in those 6 months. That day when I held her in my arms for the first time. So fragile, so small, so tiny. In my warm embrace, I was so afraid that she will fall from my arms. I think it was the first time I held a child like that in my arms. My own blood.

I regret it every single day, I regret that I didn’t get to see her many times, that I didn’t get to hold her, play with her, dress her. Missed her laughs, her cry. If I had known that we would lose her after just six months I would have never let her go. I would have never let the family troubles get between us. Only if I had known…

The day when we came to know that she was born, my parents asked my younger brother and I to go visit them despite of everything. So we did. I remember waiting outside in the reception then going up the stairs and then seeing her for the first time. My brother’s daughter. I was an aunt at last. I had a niece, wow ! The first time they put her in my arms. I was in awe of her tininess, her round face and big nose. Just like her dad and mother. Sleeping peacefully. On my way back I thought to myself I have a whole life with her. Differences will work out. We’ll be fine eventually…For the next six months I got to see her only twice, once when she was born and the other time when she came to visit us at our home. Even that for a little while. And that’s it.

I clearly remember the day when I got the news. The day my dad came to pick me up from University out of the blue (Rest In Peace: Part 1) (Peace Of The Present Moment (Rest In peace: Part 2). The moment I read the text in my mobile phone as I sat in the car. All the way back as I watched the sunset I couldn’t comprehend.

I was supposed to be her favorite one and only Aunt. I was supposed to spoil her, teach her crazy stuff. I was supposed to have more time with her. A whole life time worth. I’m not a kids person, I admit that publicly but blood is an attraction that melts that iciest of hearts. I wish she was here. Sometimes I think maybe its a good thing I didn’t get to spend that much time with her because the closest I would have gotten more hurt I would have been. Maybe just maybe it was for good. But a part of me always wishes to have spent more time with her. If only…I had known I had only 6 months…if Only.

Oh I miss you so so much…

In response to Daily Prompt

Release Me

Daily Prompt: Release Me
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/20/daily-prompt-free/

Tell us about the blog post you were most nervous to publish — and what it was like to set it free.
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I’ve a hard time talking about my feelings but through writing, I’ve found a way to release. I still have a hard time writing about somethings but Well its a start…maybe someday I’ll be courageous enough to write about that stuff.

So far there are two blog posts I had a hard time writing about and was a little nervous if I should write about it or not.

One of them was the Battle with myself, why I was nervous about writing it was because that was the first time I came close to hurting myself. Sure I had thoughts about it before but I never came so close to do it. One of the reasons was because I had strong faith. My faith made me hold on to the glimmer of light and hope. But in those days I was a little out of faith, I’ve to admit I became close to becoming depressed, maybe I did become depressed. And in that slight moment of discretion I became too close to hurting myself.
To be honest I wasn’t courageous enough to do it (People keep telling me that it doesn’t mean I was a coward, It means I was strong enough to resist it, but I don’t think that was the case. If I even had a ounce of courage in me, I would have cut myself for sure. I was that depressed.)
Well anyways, I’m glad I wasn’t able to do it. Thanks God, my weakened faith started to get stronger. That EPISODE of depression faded away. I’m glad I was able to write about it and release my anger through that.

The second post has to be Rest In peace series (part 1 & part 2). I wasn’t nervous about writing this post, but It was hard for me to write about it. Coping with death is not easy. There was no one I could talk to, I’m not very vocal about how I feel so family wasn’t on my list to talk to about it. My best friend couldn’t be here at that time. So to be honest I couldn’t wait to write about it. The very first thing I did when I came back from the funeral was to write about it. I wanted to get it all out. To tell someone about every detail about it. But to tell the whole world about it was the hard part. I was unsure how people would react to it. I couldn’t bear anything bad being said about that, because that post was very close to me.

But eventually I did write about it. I did publish it. I was able to get it all out. Most importantly, as i wrote the Part 2: Peace Of The Present Moment , Everything became clearer and clearer to me, I was able to get a good lesson out of it. I felt more at peace with myself. Obviously it still hurts to think about my niece, it still hurts every time I look at my brother and see his sad smile but life goes on…We have to move on and as I said before, Learn to live in peace of the present moment.
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Peace Of The Present Moment (Rest In peace: Part 2)

We made our way to my brother ‘M’ house, with me sitting in the back seat as the little rays of sunlight escaped the clouds and some of them fell on my face. It had such peace and calmness that for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Maybe when I’ll wake up I’ll find out all of this was just a dream. A horrible dream. But sadly this wasn’t the case.

My 6 months 3 days old niece has in fact passed away and I’m going to attend her funeral.

As I mentioned before in part 1, it is quite hard for me to cry in front of somebody but as we approached the house, I started to feel a little teary. The closer we got, the greater was the urge to cry.

I entered the house and saw my sister-in-law sitting on the sofa.  As soon as I saw her and she saw me, I just ran into her and cried. We cried in each other arms for sometime and then she led me to my little niece’s dead body.

That angelic face, as white as a pearl, those pink lips pursed together. Her eyes closed. It was like she was sleeping a peaceful sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch her but was afraid I may break her fragile body.

So I just stood there, looking at her and cried…

What else could I do after all? There was nothing I could do in my power to bring her back. To make her open her eyes again and give me one of her million dollar smiles that could easily melt a diamond.

I asked for my brother, in a voice that didn’t belong to me, it was just a hoarse whisper, Even I could barely hear myself…

My brother came and I just hugged him hard, burying my head into his chest and bursting into tears…..and cried, cried and cried in his arms…I don’t know for how long we held each other, with him patting my back and me wailing helplessly in his arms.

He led me to the bed where her little fragile body, wrapped in a black cloth, was lying and sat on a stool close to her. And I stood behind him, caressing his hair, rubbing his back, putting my head on his shoulder and crying.  Telling him to have patience, When I myself have seemed to run out of it.

What else could I tell him?
How are you suppose to cope with a loss this big?

I couldn’t help but think if I was feeling so sad, feeling her absence, what about her parents?
How would they feel when they will lay at night to sleep and feel her absence between them?
When their house won’t ring with her laughter and chuckle anymore?
This fact made me cry much more. I wasn’t feeling my pain alone, It was of my brother’s and my sister-in-law’s as well.

I don’t know for how long I sat there, watching her body and eventually they took her lifeless body to bury.

I imagined my brother laying her own daughter to her grave, the pain he must’ve felt. How powerless he must’ve felt.
How can you bury someone you love 6 feet under the ground? Watch over as the soil covers their body and embraces their remains as her own? How do you just walk away after burying them? From where do you find the strength?

I don’t have any of the answers to that. I’m just as naive as anybody else out there.

On our way back from the funeral, I saw people engrossed with their lives. Children playing outside. Young boys goofing around, throwing punches at each other. Men on their way to earn bread or back. Women busy with shopping and gossiping.

How naive they all were. Here we are mourning a loss but they don’t know about it. They were all just happy and satisfied. Continuing with their lives. Without a clue about our loss.

And then I realized….It isn’t about what I should’ve done….I should’ve spent more time with my niece and my brother but that didn’t matter. It isn’t about what I should’ve done , anymore.

It’s about what I should do NOW.
Because NOW is the moment we live in, not BEFORE, not AFTER…It is NOW !

I have to stay strong for the sake of everybody else, including my own. If it’s about “Living in the moment” then I’m all up for that. Because THIS is the moment that matters.

Tell the people you love that, You Love Them. Don’t wait up because life is too short.
Don’t think they already know that and it doesn’t matter if I don’t say it loud, because IT DOES!
It does matter.
Every hour, every minute, every second matters.

Every word, every meaning, every sentence matters.

Everything you do in your life matters !

Spend time with people you love, tell them frequently you love them, because you can never know what will happen next. Believe me, you won’t like to live with the remorse of not spending enough time with your loved ones.

These games, this Internet, the T.v…All of this stuff which you think is important, ISN’T !

So, STOP for a minute, Take a deep breath.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Make a list of all the things which you think are important in you life and evaluate yourself.
Does these things really matter or are you just so in over your head that you are missing the big picture.

Life is too short to play games.
Take chances. Stay strong.
And most importantly don’t miss out on the “Peace Of The Present Moment“.

(You can find Rest In Peace: Part 1 here : https://lifeconfusions.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/rest-in-peace-part-1/ )

Rest In Peace: Part 1

I was sitting in my English Literature class when my ‘Head of the department’ came to call my name and asked me to bring my bag with me. All my friends gave me confused looks but I was just as confused as them. As I got out of the class HOD told me that my father has come to pick me up.

I saw my dad sitting in the lobby. As soon as i saw him i gave him a huge hug as he’d been away for a week, on a conference, out of the country. His eyes were blood-shot but I thought it to be due to jet lag, after all he had a long flight back home (but little did i know then). I asked him why did he come to my university specially to pick me up so early. He said Nothing really but JUST looked at me with those bloodshot eyes and a sad smile on his face.
And I KNEW…I just knew at that moment that something was wrong. I never before in my life had such feeling. But this time I felt it in my gut. Deep down i knew something was wrong.

As we made our way out of the university, I asked him again about why did he come. He avoided my inquiry and instead said “You won’t miss any of your classes, right? There wasn’t much studies going on?” (as it was my first day of uni and it’s usually a very slow day)
I assured him there wasn’t much i was missing and asked him again that why were we going early today. He again avoided my question and said my brother ‘S’ is coming with the car, we’ll go early today.
All these thoughts were going through my mind, was my mum okay ? Did something happen to her and my dad is not telling me about it? Did someone had an accident?
I was thinking about it when my brother ‘S’ came to pick us up and i sat in the car.

It was then, when i saw my mobile and saw my big brother ‘M’ text that his daughter ‘Y’ has passed away this morning, I understood why my dad was acting so weird. As i saw the text, read it again and again, I couldn’t believe my eyes, What i was reading. It must be a mistake. I must be seeing a dream, right?!

Because his daughter was just so young, only 6 months and 3 days old. She was right there. Healthy and cute and bubbly. How could it be? It was just 6 months ago when she was born and i held her for the very first time in my arms. Her tiny, doll-like body fitting perfectly into my embrace. She was right THERE in my arms.

She had a whole life ahead of her. I was supposed to be her favorite aunt. I was yet to spoil her with my love and making sure her every wish came true.

It was just a while ago when she came to our house with her dad and mom to visit her grandfather and grandmother for the very first time. And i remember her in a yellow frock with a cute smile, those huge brown eyes, that big nose just like her father. She slept right there in my arms. How can she be gone? Just like that?

I sat in the car thinking about it all. We had some family issues with my Big brother ‘M’ so we didn’t use to see each other a lot. Truth be told I saw my niece only 3 times in 6 months. We weren’t that much on talking terms. We weren’t completely cut off from each other though but there was something between us that kept us apart.

But all of it wasn’t suppose to matter as my niece wasn’t suppose to die so young. I was supposed to have many, many years to spend with her. She was supposed to watch ME grow old and die, not the other way around.

We made our way back to our house and i sat in the back seat, not paying any attention to my surroundings, staring outside but not really seeing anything. I was physically there but somewhere else in my mind.
As I listened to my dad make different calls and attend some, arranging everything, I thought to myself why was i feeling this way?

It’s not like I’ve not lost anyone before, my grandmother passed away when i was very little…i just remember bits and pieces about her. Then my grandfather passed away about two years ago, i wasn’t that close to him and i didn’t feel sorry for him either as he had passed away at the age of 89. He had lived his life to the fullest. He wasn’t dependent on anyone except the last few days before his death. He was healthy and alright despite of his old age. He had seen his grandkids grow old and play.

But my niece died before she even had a chance to live. And then i realized why i was feeling that way because no matter what differences we and my brother ‘M’ had in the past, his daughter was still our blood. My blood !
Blood has that attraction that nothing in the world can really break.

I wanted to cry but i have this weakness that i can’t really cry in front of anybody. (Sure my mom, dad and brothers have seen me cry at times, but very rarely). This is one of the reasons i come across as cold, hard and selfish to some people. Even my own family thinks that about me(except my dad). I can’t help but accept that I was a little worried that i wasn’t gonna cry there and everybody would think I’m a stone cold b***h who doesn’t give a damn.

We reached our house and I changed my clothes. Me, my brother ‘S’ and my dad made our way to my brother ‘M’ house.
My mom had already gone there, as soon as she got the news.

So, Just like that our lives had changed forever, Our blood had gone from amongst us and we were left to deal with the aftermath.

(I’ll write about the part 2 as soon as i get time. I’ve been really busy. This piece of writing is not specifically to get sympathies, It’s me writing about what I’m feeling as I can’t talk to anybody about what i feel. Thank you)