Giving Up

I’ve been strong for far too long, I think now it’s time to stop trying and be weak and frail. Let the wind take me where ever it may.

I think it’s about time I stop believing and struggling constantly, I should let whatever happen as it may.

There is something so poetic about being broken and losing hope. A Rhetoric, cathartic, ambivalent flow. I’ll just write a poem about this sadness if I may?

I’ve been strong for far too long, I think it’s about time I let the walls break and let the water flow. Let the water drown my eyes, submerge myself underneath the waves…

And just disappear,

Never to come back again.

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I’ve Lost Again.

I thought my heart could know no more pain..
But i was wrong.
Today it hurts so much… I feel like it would burst..
Burst into spontaneous flames… And turn into dust…
That is how much it hurts.

But these words? Aren’t enough.
Today it hurts too much…
Today all I know is pain..
And I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be the same.

And the day after that, and the day after too…
till I lose all sense of time and space.

Please God, oh please tear this heart away,
I don’t want a heart that causes so much pain..
Today words fail me to explain.

Today this heart will turn to ashes, and I’ll take it in my hands and throw it towards the sky.. in hopes that it will mix with rain.. come back to Earth, washed and anew again.
Either that or disappear into the thin air so I won’t get to feel this way all over again.

Today it hurts too much… Too too much,
since words fail me over and over.

I really really hope this heart turns to dust, as it is already crushed…

For I’ve lost again…
And I cannot comprehend why do I get so little time,
With people I love…

I know I’m being selfish here,
There are people who must be hurting much more than us,
But I’ve been called selfish before,
Let’s not prove them wrong anymore.

So I’m being selfish, yes.
But today It’s hurting too much..
For I’ve lost someone…
Just like the time before that, and the time before that.

Is it because I do not deserve love?
Or is it because that’s how life works?
Whatever it is, all I know is, I lose people…
Too early and Too damn much.

Peace Of The Present Moment (Rest In peace: Part 2)

We made our way to my brother ‘M’ house, with me sitting in the back seat as the little rays of sunlight escaped the clouds and some of them fell on my face. It had such peace and calmness that for a moment I wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Maybe when I’ll wake up I’ll find out all of this was just a dream. A horrible dream. But sadly this wasn’t the case.

My 6 months 3 days old niece has in fact passed away and I’m going to attend her funeral.

As I mentioned before in part 1, it is quite hard for me to cry in front of somebody but as we approached the house, I started to feel a little teary. The closer we got, the greater was the urge to cry.

I entered the house and saw my sister-in-law sitting on the sofa.  As soon as I saw her and she saw me, I just ran into her and cried. We cried in each other arms for sometime and then she led me to my little niece’s dead body.

That angelic face, as white as a pearl, those pink lips pursed together. Her eyes closed. It was like she was sleeping a peaceful sleep. I wanted to reach out and touch her but was afraid I may break her fragile body.

So I just stood there, looking at her and cried…

What else could I do after all? There was nothing I could do in my power to bring her back. To make her open her eyes again and give me one of her million dollar smiles that could easily melt a diamond.

I asked for my brother, in a voice that didn’t belong to me, it was just a hoarse whisper, Even I could barely hear myself…

My brother came and I just hugged him hard, burying my head into his chest and bursting into tears…..and cried, cried and cried in his arms…I don’t know for how long we held each other, with him patting my back and me wailing helplessly in his arms.

He led me to the bed where her little fragile body, wrapped in a black cloth, was lying and sat on a stool close to her. And I stood behind him, caressing his hair, rubbing his back, putting my head on his shoulder and crying.  Telling him to have patience, When I myself have seemed to run out of it.

What else could I tell him?
How are you suppose to cope with a loss this big?

I couldn’t help but think if I was feeling so sad, feeling her absence, what about her parents?
How would they feel when they will lay at night to sleep and feel her absence between them?
When their house won’t ring with her laughter and chuckle anymore?
This fact made me cry much more. I wasn’t feeling my pain alone, It was of my brother’s and my sister-in-law’s as well.

I don’t know for how long I sat there, watching her body and eventually they took her lifeless body to bury.

I imagined my brother laying her own daughter to her grave, the pain he must’ve felt. How powerless he must’ve felt.
How can you bury someone you love 6 feet under the ground? Watch over as the soil covers their body and embraces their remains as her own? How do you just walk away after burying them? From where do you find the strength?

I don’t have any of the answers to that. I’m just as naive as anybody else out there.

On our way back from the funeral, I saw people engrossed with their lives. Children playing outside. Young boys goofing around, throwing punches at each other. Men on their way to earn bread or back. Women busy with shopping and gossiping.

How naive they all were. Here we are mourning a loss but they don’t know about it. They were all just happy and satisfied. Continuing with their lives. Without a clue about our loss.

And then I realized….It isn’t about what I should’ve done….I should’ve spent more time with my niece and my brother but that didn’t matter. It isn’t about what I should’ve done , anymore.

It’s about what I should do NOW.
Because NOW is the moment we live in, not BEFORE, not AFTER…It is NOW !

I have to stay strong for the sake of everybody else, including my own. If it’s about “Living in the moment” then I’m all up for that. Because THIS is the moment that matters.

Tell the people you love that, You Love Them. Don’t wait up because life is too short.
Don’t think they already know that and it doesn’t matter if I don’t say it loud, because IT DOES!
It does matter.
Every hour, every minute, every second matters.

Every word, every meaning, every sentence matters.

Everything you do in your life matters !

Spend time with people you love, tell them frequently you love them, because you can never know what will happen next. Believe me, you won’t like to live with the remorse of not spending enough time with your loved ones.

These games, this Internet, the T.v…All of this stuff which you think is important, ISN’T !

So, STOP for a minute, Take a deep breath.
Breathe in, breathe out.

Make a list of all the things which you think are important in you life and evaluate yourself.
Does these things really matter or are you just so in over your head that you are missing the big picture.

Life is too short to play games.
Take chances. Stay strong.
And most importantly don’t miss out on the “Peace Of The Present Moment“.

(You can find Rest In Peace: Part 1 here : https://lifeconfusions.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/rest-in-peace-part-1/ )

Rest In Peace: Part 1

I was sitting in my English Literature class when my ‘Head of the department’ came to call my name and asked me to bring my bag with me. All my friends gave me confused looks but I was just as confused as them. As I got out of the class HOD told me that my father has come to pick me up.

I saw my dad sitting in the lobby. As soon as i saw him i gave him a huge hug as he’d been away for a week, on a conference, out of the country. His eyes were blood-shot but I thought it to be due to jet lag, after all he had a long flight back home (but little did i know then). I asked him why did he come to my university specially to pick me up so early. He said Nothing really but JUST looked at me with those bloodshot eyes and a sad smile on his face.
And I KNEW…I just knew at that moment that something was wrong. I never before in my life had such feeling. But this time I felt it in my gut. Deep down i knew something was wrong.

As we made our way out of the university, I asked him again about why did he come. He avoided my inquiry and instead said “You won’t miss any of your classes, right? There wasn’t much studies going on?” (as it was my first day of uni and it’s usually a very slow day)
I assured him there wasn’t much i was missing and asked him again that why were we going early today. He again avoided my question and said my brother ‘S’ is coming with the car, we’ll go early today.
All these thoughts were going through my mind, was my mum okay ? Did something happen to her and my dad is not telling me about it? Did someone had an accident?
I was thinking about it when my brother ‘S’ came to pick us up and i sat in the car.

It was then, when i saw my mobile and saw my big brother ‘M’ text that his daughter ‘Y’ has passed away this morning, I understood why my dad was acting so weird. As i saw the text, read it again and again, I couldn’t believe my eyes, What i was reading. It must be a mistake. I must be seeing a dream, right?!

Because his daughter was just so young, only 6 months and 3 days old. She was right there. Healthy and cute and bubbly. How could it be? It was just 6 months ago when she was born and i held her for the very first time in my arms. Her tiny, doll-like body fitting perfectly into my embrace. She was right THERE in my arms.

She had a whole life ahead of her. I was supposed to be her favorite aunt. I was yet to spoil her with my love and making sure her every wish came true.

It was just a while ago when she came to our house with her dad and mom to visit her grandfather and grandmother for the very first time. And i remember her in a yellow frock with a cute smile, those huge brown eyes, that big nose just like her father. She slept right there in my arms. How can she be gone? Just like that?

I sat in the car thinking about it all. We had some family issues with my Big brother ‘M’ so we didn’t use to see each other a lot. Truth be told I saw my niece only 3 times in 6 months. We weren’t that much on talking terms. We weren’t completely cut off from each other though but there was something between us that kept us apart.

But all of it wasn’t suppose to matter as my niece wasn’t suppose to die so young. I was supposed to have many, many years to spend with her. She was supposed to watch ME grow old and die, not the other way around.

We made our way back to our house and i sat in the back seat, not paying any attention to my surroundings, staring outside but not really seeing anything. I was physically there but somewhere else in my mind.
As I listened to my dad make different calls and attend some, arranging everything, I thought to myself why was i feeling this way?

It’s not like I’ve not lost anyone before, my grandmother passed away when i was very little…i just remember bits and pieces about her. Then my grandfather passed away about two years ago, i wasn’t that close to him and i didn’t feel sorry for him either as he had passed away at the age of 89. He had lived his life to the fullest. He wasn’t dependent on anyone except the last few days before his death. He was healthy and alright despite of his old age. He had seen his grandkids grow old and play.

But my niece died before she even had a chance to live. And then i realized why i was feeling that way because no matter what differences we and my brother ‘M’ had in the past, his daughter was still our blood. My blood !
Blood has that attraction that nothing in the world can really break.

I wanted to cry but i have this weakness that i can’t really cry in front of anybody. (Sure my mom, dad and brothers have seen me cry at times, but very rarely). This is one of the reasons i come across as cold, hard and selfish to some people. Even my own family thinks that about me(except my dad). I can’t help but accept that I was a little worried that i wasn’t gonna cry there and everybody would think I’m a stone cold b***h who doesn’t give a damn.

We reached our house and I changed my clothes. Me, my brother ‘S’ and my dad made our way to my brother ‘M’ house.
My mom had already gone there, as soon as she got the news.

So, Just like that our lives had changed forever, Our blood had gone from amongst us and we were left to deal with the aftermath.

(I’ll write about the part 2 as soon as i get time. I’ve been really busy. This piece of writing is not specifically to get sympathies, It’s me writing about what I’m feeling as I can’t talk to anybody about what i feel. Thank you)

A Battle With Myself

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As i stood in my bathroom holding the blade in my hand, turning it over and over again between my fingers, occasionally glancing at my reflection in the mirror, the person who was staring back at me wasn’t really…ME.
Because ME-the old me would have never even thought about doing something like that. The old me found it disgusting and messed up. Then how…why did i come to this?

It wasn’t like i was going to suicide or something, i just wanted to cut a little, see a little blood come pouring out of it and maybe the pain of that will overcome the pain i was feeling due to messed up events in my life. I just wanted  to stop that pain by inflicting myself with the other kind of pain because it was getting too hard for me to bear.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve spent most of my childhood crying , at least thats the only thing i remember of it. Its not like i haven’t seen any happiness in my life at all. I’ve been blessed with so many things but problems have always been part of my life as well and they still are. I guess i am just tired now. In most real and literal sense, TIRED !
I just want PEACE in my life, i want all the shit to be over. i have reached my breaking point. i can’t….i can’t suffer anymore. Its too much to bear.

Holding the blade in between my fingers i started to contemplate if i really wanted to do this…to be honest i started to wonder if i actually had the courage to do this. I pressed the blade just a little on my arm, not too hard. Pressed again and again. No blood came out.

Then i realized…i was afraid to do it….i wasn’t strong enough….my will power wasn’t that strong….i was a coward…wasn’t i ?

I just couldn’t bring myself to harm myself. So, I put the blade back where it belonged not leaving any evidence of me touching it.

Held the washbasin tightly with both hands, bowed my head down and cried. I just kept crying, crying and crying  for everything that happened to me since my childhood up until now. I prayed as i cried.
Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for tranquility, prayed for inner peace and calmness and put everything in HIS hands.

Washed my face and came out of the bathroom like nothing out of ordinary happened in there.  And waited for my faith to set in again as I seem to have run out of it for some time now.

WITHOUT A WORD

Have you ever felt like saying something but finding yourself not being able to say it ? Well I’ve been feeling this way lately !

I think I’ve always wanted to say somethings that are on my mind since my childhood but i always find myself not being able to say them.The worst part is i just realized that now !

I’ve never felt the need because i never realized it, or more accurately,never Recognized it before … but now the feeling to say those things has struck me like a lightning bolt striking a barren land with nothing but empty space around it….absolute silence but just the sound of thunder rumbling , growling and wailing inside of me…..trying so hard to be heard .

Its nobody’s fault in particular that they don’t see or hear what i want to say so badly because lets admit it I’ve never said it !

How can some one hear you when you don’t even say it ?

But I’ve heard all the time that some people can understand you by just looking at you….by just a mere look they can tell whats wrong with you…Is it just a void concept with no proof or does something like this actually exists?

Does someone exist like that for me? Who’ll understand me by just looking at my face , in my eyes and recognize the cry in my silence ? Is there some one ?
I need to tell some one about the agony , the war going on inside of me but once again and as always…..i find myself……WITHOUT A WORD !

(The title of this ‘LifeConfusion’ is based on the song “Without a word” by Birdy )