Loss.

Loss. Loss. Loss.

How do people deal with loss? How does this process works? I know we eventually go on with life and time never stops.

Loss. This word. How immense is this. With just 4 syllables we cram the forever aching of our hearts. These 4 syllables contain everything from pain, misery, trauma and emptiness within our hearts.

With this just one word we describe losing whoever we loved. This word is a disservice to what one feels when we lose someone. In fact there isn’t any word in the world that can do justice to losing people we love.

We apparently move on. We eventually run out of tears. We start to put on a smile.

But.

What about the space that is left never to be filled again?

Loss.

I drown in the immensity of this word over and over.

Loss.

I repeat it in my head again and again.

But I still can’t get hold of what one feels when losing their loved ones.

All that comes to mind is emptiness one must feel. It NEVER goes away. Even after years have passed….

You just can’t get hold of the pain.

How do people deal? Loss. This word. All I can do is shake my head in defeat. Loss. You never get over it because the spaces left are far too wide and far too deep to be ever filled again.

Loss. This word. So Incomplete.

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Courage, Dear Heart.

Tonight…I don’t want to sleep. It’s just one of those nights. I just turned off the lights and all I want to do is write. It’s raining outside. The rhythmical thumping of the rain drops against the pavement , The sad calmness in the air….It’s oddly comforting yet stirring something deep inside that makes me ponder life. I just want to sit and stare into the darkness, as my eyes well up God knows why. A part of me wants to go to sleep while a part of me wants to stay awake to let my thoughts scream.

So I let them…

I let them splatter upon this paper. I let them cut me deep and leave me to wallow in my misery. I let them do whatever they want to me. That is how I let them hurt me. Or is it to heal me? It’s a very thin line so to speak.

It’s just one of those days…one of the many actually.

But it shall pass too. Until next one arrives to shake my soul, rattling me to my bones, inflicting wounds.

Courage, Dear Heart’, is what they say. So that is what…It shall do.
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*Today is going to be a circle of one.

Release Me

Daily Prompt: Release Me
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/20/daily-prompt-free/

Tell us about the blog post you were most nervous to publish — and what it was like to set it free.
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I’ve a hard time talking about my feelings but through writing, I’ve found a way to release. I still have a hard time writing about somethings but Well its a start…maybe someday I’ll be courageous enough to write about that stuff.

So far there are two blog posts I had a hard time writing about and was a little nervous if I should write about it or not.

One of them was the Battle with myself, why I was nervous about writing it was because that was the first time I came close to hurting myself. Sure I had thoughts about it before but I never came so close to do it. One of the reasons was because I had strong faith. My faith made me hold on to the glimmer of light and hope. But in those days I was a little out of faith, I’ve to admit I became close to becoming depressed, maybe I did become depressed. And in that slight moment of discretion I became too close to hurting myself.
To be honest I wasn’t courageous enough to do it (People keep telling me that it doesn’t mean I was a coward, It means I was strong enough to resist it, but I don’t think that was the case. If I even had a ounce of courage in me, I would have cut myself for sure. I was that depressed.)
Well anyways, I’m glad I wasn’t able to do it. Thanks God, my weakened faith started to get stronger. That EPISODE of depression faded away. I’m glad I was able to write about it and release my anger through that.

The second post has to be Rest In peace series (part 1 & part 2). I wasn’t nervous about writing this post, but It was hard for me to write about it. Coping with death is not easy. There was no one I could talk to, I’m not very vocal about how I feel so family wasn’t on my list to talk to about it. My best friend couldn’t be here at that time. So to be honest I couldn’t wait to write about it. The very first thing I did when I came back from the funeral was to write about it. I wanted to get it all out. To tell someone about every detail about it. But to tell the whole world about it was the hard part. I was unsure how people would react to it. I couldn’t bear anything bad being said about that, because that post was very close to me.

But eventually I did write about it. I did publish it. I was able to get it all out. Most importantly, as i wrote the Part 2: Peace Of The Present Moment , Everything became clearer and clearer to me, I was able to get a good lesson out of it. I felt more at peace with myself. Obviously it still hurts to think about my niece, it still hurts every time I look at my brother and see his sad smile but life goes on…We have to move on and as I said before, Learn to live in peace of the present moment.
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A Battle With Myself

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As i stood in my bathroom holding the blade in my hand, turning it over and over again between my fingers, occasionally glancing at my reflection in the mirror, the person who was staring back at me wasn’t really…ME.
Because ME-the old me would have never even thought about doing something like that. The old me found it disgusting and messed up. Then how…why did i come to this?

It wasn’t like i was going to suicide or something, i just wanted to cut a little, see a little blood come pouring out of it and maybe the pain of that will overcome the pain i was feeling due to messed up events in my life. I just wanted  to stop that pain by inflicting myself with the other kind of pain because it was getting too hard for me to bear.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve spent most of my childhood crying , at least thats the only thing i remember of it. Its not like i haven’t seen any happiness in my life at all. I’ve been blessed with so many things but problems have always been part of my life as well and they still are. I guess i am just tired now. In most real and literal sense, TIRED !
I just want PEACE in my life, i want all the shit to be over. i have reached my breaking point. i can’t….i can’t suffer anymore. Its too much to bear.

Holding the blade in between my fingers i started to contemplate if i really wanted to do this…to be honest i started to wonder if i actually had the courage to do this. I pressed the blade just a little on my arm, not too hard. Pressed again and again. No blood came out.

Then i realized…i was afraid to do it….i wasn’t strong enough….my will power wasn’t that strong….i was a coward…wasn’t i ?

I just couldn’t bring myself to harm myself. So, I put the blade back where it belonged not leaving any evidence of me touching it.

Held the washbasin tightly with both hands, bowed my head down and cried. I just kept crying, crying and crying  for everything that happened to me since my childhood up until now. I prayed as i cried.
Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for tranquility, prayed for inner peace and calmness and put everything in HIS hands.

Washed my face and came out of the bathroom like nothing out of ordinary happened in there.  And waited for my faith to set in again as I seem to have run out of it for some time now.

UNCERTAINTY

UNCERTAINTY

For me what is most unfair in life is UNCERTAINTY !

Through out our lives we can’t be certain of anything, not even of the next minute let alone our whole life which is the most frightening part of our existence.Not knowing whats going to happen next.what life has in store for us.what tragedy or calamity is going to hit us out of the blue.we have no way of knowing the future.

This uncertainty has taken its tool at all of us more than once in our life time.We have been pushed around like a football, shaken, broken, torn and prodded by life taking advantage of our unknowing , surprising us.

While this can be frightening for some, there are some who choose to embrace this uncertainty and I think it is this uncertainty , the “Fear Of The Unknown” which makes life much more adventurous and mysterious. Which gives us confidence to hold our heads high and be strong inspite of whatever happens. This uncertainty gives us courage to charge on life like a Gladiator which has got everything to lose, which has no choice but to FIGHT, fight for his existence in this world, for his loved ones and most importantly himself !

But in the end, it depends on us whether we come out of this Battle with uncertainty, Triumphant or Lost …