Lessons Learned

This This This! Deserves a repost because “apparently” the lesson wasn’t learned. I need to re-learn and this time for good. The hardest lessons are learned in the most hurtful ways.

👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻

I learned how easy it is to fall for well crafted words, too easily those words can hook around your heart and dive deep. How easy it is to tumble dry the same old words and use them over and over which our naive hearts end up believing.

I learned there is a reason why sometimes it’s so easy to believe people when they say things. We don’t give words enough credit they deserve. We don’t give words enough importance, we throw them around like shooting bullets hoping some of them would stick somewhere, preferably right in the chest.

I learned how easy it is to toy around with words and let them in turn toy around with our hearts. How effortlessly some people weave around words that hold this immense power to obliterate hearts. What they don’t understand is that hearts aren’t as strong as they seem, they can shatter and break so damn easily.

I learned a lot of things, but the most important lesson learned is to not believe people when they say things. That is the only way to keep yourself from bleeding. The same old measured words are stronger than they seem. And when people like me believe them? It takes us a lifetime to heal.

You can find the lyrics for this song here

(P.s I’m traveling and I’ll be on the road for a week. So I’ll keep trying to catch up but maybe a little late) 

State Of Mind

She was laying on bed in the dark, the quietness of the night was absorbing her silent screams successfully. The only sound was coming from the wall clock ticking by in rhythmic unison with her heart beat thumping dramatically in her ears. She stared into nothingness- she didn’t know how much time passed by as she silently struggled to keep her thoughts at bay.

Her skin was itching from the inside- something wanted an escape. She rubbed and crossed her feet together in agitation. The struggle with her own self  was becoming violent with each passing second.

Struggle. Struggle. Struggle.

Her mind was being pulled into million different directions. Every direction worse than the other as she struggled fervently to escape.

Escape. Escape. Escape.

Where to go?
Where to run?
The day will soon come,
Followed by the same demonic night with stealth and burning red eyes.

Her soul! Her soul! Her soul!

Somebody.

Help.

Oh.

Gone.

The battle is lost.

Oblivion Over Chaos

Night

For now there is no victory.

Night is where the serenity lies, Where the quiet seems to stretch on forever and ever. Where I’m away from all the chaos. Where I get to forget about everything, close my eyes and drift away.

I get to forget. Everything.

For a moment everything seems to have settled. I wish it could stretch on forever.

Some say they fear oblivion but I’d rather stay in this oblivion of the night than face the dread that comes with the day. Nothing can happen in the night as I sleep. Nothing.

I get to disappear and forget. It’s the place I’d love to stay. Just sleep and never wake up. For the day brings with it chaos, misery and pain. And I can’t, I can’t take it anymore. For the day reminds me that the other shoe will always drop, that happiness isn’t a target I can nail. I don’t get to do that. I get nothing. Nothing.

And I’m afraid I won’t be able to catch myself if I fall. I can’t fall now. I can’t. I just can’t. When it took me a long time to get back up, piece by piece slowly I picked myself up with every ounce of strength and every ounce of what was left in me- I gave it my all. And I’m afraid I’ve nothing to give now. Nothing. Nothing at all. So I can’t fall now. I can’t. This night needs to stretch on forever and ever and ever. I need to sleep and never wake up.

I’d rather choose this oblivion over that chaos.

This will be my last post for a little while. Going on a 
short break, See you all soon. 
Much love <3

Be Careful

Weekly Photo Challenge

Careful

Be careful of the paw

“Forever”, “Always”… These words we use quite so often, for quite so many people. I’d be hypocrite if I said I haven’t done the same. I’m guilty of it too. Just as much.

“Forever”, “Always ” these words are a promise within themselves. A promise we make without even a flinch most probably, Without a second thought I bet. How cruel are we?! Do we not take promises so seriously? Do we not believe that someone somewhere might just believe it? That someone somewhere might just hold you to it, this promise you have made. For forever and always?

Maybe we just throw around words without knowing the intensity they hold, their meaningfulness, their depth… We make promises without knowing that there still exists some people who take words seriously, for what they stand. And we unknowingly hurt and let uncontrollably bleed. We humans do that I guess. We don’t always say what we mean, and we don’t always mean what we say. I guess It has been like this, since… forever and always.

Chaos.

Boundary

Boundry

Chaos is everywhere,
And as always I find myself amidst of it.
I find myself standing in the middle of it all, helpless.
As helpless as I’ve always been.

I watch everything crumble apart,
The dust, the rubble blind me,
And I silently scream.
I scream and scream,
so much so that it tears my inner walls.
It all goes unheard.

I find myself standing there,
Amidst of chaos.
Helpless.
As helpless as I’ve always been.

I wish for the night to fall,
I wish for everything to go dark,
so I won’t get to see all the destruction this chaos has caused.

They say every chaos eventually settles,
But really at what cost?

About Life & Shit

I’ve been struggling to write in fear of not being able to do justice to how I feel. I don’t even know how I feel anymore, what I feel anymore. Some days it’s as calm as the wind caressing the ocean while some days it’s the crashing waves of the raging ocean. I don’t remember the last time I wrote something meaningful or poetic or whatever.

I’m afraid my pain fueled the fire and my passion fueled the desire but now pain has quietly settled somewhere deep in my bones making its home and passion has disappeared like it was never there in the first place. Or is it that I don’t think about it anymore? I try not to delve deep because I’m afraid of skeletons in the closet will come spilling out when it took me a long time to bury it all in, To close all the doors, put up the padlocks, build walls of concrete stones.

Right now, I feel like I’m at the crossroads and whichever way I choose I will lose one thing or another. I guess now it has come to a point of choosing which thing is worth losing for the other. There is no way without it. Either way I lose.

But maybe… there is winning in this losing. Or maybe it’s not even about winning or losing. It’s just life asking you to make decisions and asking you to pay the price for what it put you through. Leaving you no choice but to deal with it.

Ah, life. You funny thing. Sometimes I love you, while sometimes I feel like choking the shit out of you, watch you gasp and beg for every breath that escapes. Sometimes I feel so heavily optimistic I scare myself while sometimes, the only way out I see is, death. Well on the bright side, I at least feel optimistic even if it doesn’t happen very often. I had forgotten what it was like. So anyways back to crossroads…

Tick tock tick tock.

Let’s see where life goes.

Storm.

Grid 

Grid
There is something so oddly comforting about the storm. As the trees swing around mercilessly in the air and the pouring rain leaves imprints everywhere. I lay in the dark listening to it uproar, wrapped up in blanket, safe and sound. I guess that is why it’s so oddly comforting; the fact that it’s a raging storm outside and I’m inside safely battling my own inner storms.

Sometimes it feels like my inner storm has manifested itself in more of a physical form. For a change, it’s not only in the inside. It’s there; in its realist form, manifesting itself to the outside world. I want to scream; “see this is how I feel, this is how it destroys me”. I want to scream and let them know.

The rain pours and pours with it the thunder bolts rips the sky open. This is how I feel. Like something rips open my chest with its bare hands.

The leaves rustle as though screaming for escape. This is how I feel. Struggling to find freedom as everything around me does it best to hold me down.

Flashes of lightning illuminates the dark in my room, curtains blow away with the wind and the air becomes chillier with each passing second, so I tightly wrap the blanket around me.

‘This storm’, I tell myself, ‘It too shall pass.’

Reflection

Weekly Photo Challenge: Monochromatic
Grass

I looked at myself in the mirror, trying to recognize that face which was staring right back at me. I looked harder, trying to catch a glimpse of something familiar… But all l caught were blank eyes pleading at me from underneath the curtains. I think it’s time to walk away from myself, something I do not recognize.

After all, this is where the tragedy of life lies, learning to walk away and letting go of things that were never yours in the first place.

This person in the reflection was gone and I had enough of trying to get it back.

They say everything that is broken, let it be, leave it to the breeze…And maybe someday my broken pieces will come back to me with the wind.

Till then how about you be you.

And I’ll be me.

(*This video represents the harm we do. We harm ourselves when we harm others. It also reflects the re-birth of a forgiven conscience.)