A Chaos Within

(Chaos: This week let’s embrace disorder and it’s creative power.)

There is this moment before the heartache. When you know it’s coming. It isn’t there yet. You don’t even know why you think it’s forthcoming but you feel it in your bones. Like your soul has felt it coming from miles away.

This moment before the pain is about to hit you and you know it will devastate you. It hasn’t arrived yet. But you know it will. And you know it will open the wounds again. The wounds of decade that took centuries to heal.

You prepare yourself beforehand. You are sure of its factuality. So there is this night, where you lay on bed and you don’t really know why your heart is sad. Neither do you know why you want to cry. But you do.

And then all of a sudden there is this moment of realisation that this is you mourning for what’s about to become of your heart. Which is already hanging through the gallows waiting for the final call to its execution. The strings are cut one by one with which it hangs firm and it slowly looses grip. And you know it’s about to fall. It hasn’t fallen yet. But you know it’s about to. You already know. And there isn’t one damn thing you can do about it. It’s inevitable.

It will come like a tide of the ocean that slowly builds. The more it gets closer the more ferocious it becomes, and you know you are going to fucking drown. You try to save breaths, prepping yourself for the impact. But you know no matter how well you’ve prepared yourself, the tide is going to come and it will break you. Like beads off a pearl necklace; You will spill. All the pieces of yourself that you put together one by one all this time will spill…just like that. Like they were never stringed together so tenuously to begin with. Like they had always been so haphazardly splattered across the floor.

Though none of that has happened yet. But you feel it coming and you know it will happen. So this night where you are trying to make sense of why you still can’t find peace? This is the calm within the storm. Where you know the storm will soon reach the core of you and you will be blown to smithereens.

And so, this is you; grieving.

Oblivion Over Chaos

Night

For now there is no victory.

Night is where the serenity lies, Where the quiet seems to stretch on forever and ever. Where I’m away from all the chaos. Where I get to forget about everything, close my eyes and drift away.

I get to forget. Everything.

For a moment everything seems to have settled. I wish it could stretch on forever.

Some say they fear oblivion but I’d rather stay in this oblivion of the night than face the dread that comes with the day. Nothing can happen in the night as I sleep. Nothing.

I get to disappear and forget. It’s the place I’d love to stay. Just sleep and never wake up. For the day brings with it chaos, misery and pain. And I can’t, I can’t take it anymore. For the day reminds me that the other shoe will always drop, that happiness isn’t a target I can nail. I don’t get to do that. I get nothing. Nothing.

And I’m afraid I won’t be able to catch myself if I fall. I can’t fall now. I can’t. I just can’t. When it took me a long time to get back up, piece by piece slowly I picked myself up with every ounce of strength and every ounce of what was left in me- I gave it my all. And I’m afraid I’ve nothing to give now. Nothing. Nothing at all. So I can’t fall now. I can’t. This night needs to stretch on forever and ever and ever. I need to sleep and never wake up.

I’d rather choose this oblivion over that chaos.

This will be my last post for a little while. Going on a 
short break, See you all soon. 
Much love <3

Chaos.

Boundary

Boundry

Chaos is everywhere,
And as always I find myself amidst of it.
I find myself standing in the middle of it all, helpless.
As helpless as I’ve always been.

I watch everything crumble apart,
The dust, the rubble blind me,
And I silently scream.
I scream and scream,
so much so that it tears my inner walls.
It all goes unheard.

I find myself standing there,
Amidst of chaos.
Helpless.
As helpless as I’ve always been.

I wish for the night to fall,
I wish for everything to go dark,
so I won’t get to see all the destruction this chaos has caused.

They say every chaos eventually settles,
But really at what cost?