A Quest Of You

(WPC: Quest )
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Let me crawl into you like a tunnel to an abandoned city.
I’ll walk down the deserted road to your heart,
with caution and measured steps.

I’ll explore the wilderness under your chest.
My footsteps echo in the empty auditorium of your rib cage,
Whispering stories of ruins and remains.

Those wild dandelions smell of cigarettes and smoke,
You are poison and beauty,
A realistic illusion to behold.

You are a little more darkness than light at the moment.
As I walk through your city of broken hearts,
Some pieces hang from the non existent sky,
While some lay scattered on the dirt path.
I step on few by mistake,
I see you wither in pain.

I apologize for the inconvenience I’ve caused,
But there is something so extraordinary,
About treading uncharted territories,
To explore places that have never been touched before.

Let me walk through forsaken forgotten relics of your soul.
I promise I’ll not leave you emptier like the ones that came before.

I’ll rebuild you from ashes,
I’ll show you how beautiful your ruins are.
I’ll graze my knees on your asphalt heart.
I’ll stand on the boulevard of your shattered dreams and lost hope,
To rebuild them from scratch.
I’ll caress your skin until you come back to life.

Tonight.

The club lights were dancing, throwing patterns over the lost youth…vodka, whiskey, scotch, bourbon, tequila, crack cocaine, ecstasy, meth, amphetamine, roofies…you name it and you shall have it, with money of course. And she had enough to buy the whole club itself. She had tight black leotard on with sky-high heels, hair teased giving a rough yet sleek look, Black Kohl filled eyes masking the red in her big brown eyes and fiery red lips ready to devour whatever came her way. Despite of trying her best to look like just another trashed slut with daddy issues, she ended up looking the exact opposite.

Tonight she was going to drink, everything and anything that she could find on the shelf. She didn’t know what for or why so, all she knew was that there was something she needed to forget. Something that needed to be numbed. Too many things that need to be numbed.

Tonight she was going to drink and give life a middle finger on its face and walk away. Life was cruel too many times, while kind too less. And so she drank. That was the only thing she was good at apparently. She drank her sorrows away knowing all too well that she would regret it the very next day. But she drank anyway since life was not as easy to live as they said.

Like it’s in our control while we stumble and fall into ditch of unfathomable sadness. She drank and watched as the world crumbled around her feet. Tonight she was on a mission to destroy. She wasn’t sure what yet. The music was blazing and people around her were slavishly grooving to it like wild animals but all she saw were humans, lost…completely and utterly lost. Astray. Just like her.

For a moment she wanted everyone to disappear but the music and the dance floor and she imagined herself dancing lonely to it. She didn’t know how much time passed by as she wandered around in her imaginary world. She then lit a cigarette and imagined it all go down in flames.

She drank and drank until she was sure she wouldn’t remember a trace of tonight and all the thoughts it contained, the next morning.

Lest the morning came. Lest.

(The original song is only till 5:25 in the above link.This is one of my most favorite song. You can check out the music video for this song HERE. It’s worth it.)

Giving Up

I’ve been strong for far too long, I think now it’s time to stop trying and be weak and frail. Let the wind take me where ever it may.

I think it’s about time I stop believing and struggling constantly, I should let whatever happen as it may.

There is something so poetic about being broken and losing hope. A Rhetoric, cathartic, ambivalent flow. I’ll just write a poem about this sadness if I may?

I’ve been strong for far too long, I think it’s about time I let the walls break and let the water flow. Let the water drown my eyes, submerge myself underneath the waves…

And just disappear,

Never to come back again.

Broken

Weekly Photo challenge: Sunlight breaking through my window

Sunlight breaking through my window

A part of her was always hidden away, like the moon.
She shined bright from afar, everybody wanted to touch her.
They could ‘almost’ reach her but never really could.
They could see what was on the surface but never got close enough to see the rough edges and scars on her skin.
Her placid skin did well to hide the marks of her struggle.
Just like a moon she shone bright with light, little did others know it wasn’t her own.
That light was an illusion to mask the darkness that resided within her.
The light was to cover the surface so nobody could see the black hole in place of what once was her heart.
The dark hole sucking her existence inch by inch
So light was necessary to not let people see her blinking out of existence.
And One day just like that, she disappeared.


This is going to be my last post for a while. I have to take a break (again, I know) and I don't expect everyone to understand (but I really hope you all do). I will be back by the end of July hopefully. When I return I have got a huge (and by huge I mean absolutely humongous) announcement to make, the most important announcement of my life as of yet. Keeping my fingers crossed for that. If everything goes well, I will be back to tell you all about it. I can't wait to share it with you all already. See you all soon. 
Loads and Loads of Love,
Zee.

Loss.

Loss. Loss. Loss.

How do people deal with loss? How does this process works? I know we eventually go on with life and time never stops.

Loss. This word. How immense is this. With just 4 syllables we cram the forever aching of our hearts. These 4 syllables contain everything from pain, misery, trauma and emptiness within our hearts.

With this just one word we describe losing whoever we loved. This word is a disservice to what one feels when we lose someone. In fact there isn’t any word in the world that can do justice to losing people we love.

We apparently move on. We eventually run out of tears. We start to put on a smile.

But.

What about the space that is left never to be filled again?

Loss.

I drown in the immensity of this word over and over.

Loss.

I repeat it in my head again and again.

But I still can’t get hold of what one feels when losing their loved ones.

All that comes to mind is emptiness one must feel. It NEVER goes away. Even after years have passed….

You just can’t get hold of the pain.

How do people deal? Loss. This word. All I can do is shake my head in defeat. Loss. You never get over it because the spaces left are far too wide and far too deep to be ever filled again.

Loss. This word. So Incomplete.

Broken Creatures

Weekly Photo Challenge: Early Bird
IMG_20141230_173659

Broken creatures are often labelled as selfish… Maybe because they are. In a totally unselfish way.

Once a soul is broken, it is very rare that somebody sees it, somebody fixing it is even rarer. Broken souls are a wonder, they are the most resilience creatures that can ever exist On earth. You see the thing is they are lost but they have so much radiance it illuminates whichever path they pass through. They leave their mark.

Lost where you ask? Themselves of course. Since nobody else can uncover the mystery they are, they themselves try to figure it out. Putting together the puzzle, broken pieces that are. It’s like a Maze within their minds and souls. They are in a constant struggle to find a home where they belong. In the process they become lost, in search. They are forever trying to understand the puzzle, that is their heart. Since nobody else can do it, they have to do it for their self. It’s not an easy task. It requires patience, resilience and love. Love which is often lacking on their part. Love which is over flowing for others but non-existent when it’s time to give themselves back.

They are selfish, yes. Because they are so lost within themselves to ever see there are people around who might be willing to give them love. The Love; they deserve, The love; they need.

So be good crazy hearts, let’s give this love one more try.

I’ve Lost Again.

I thought my heart could know no more pain..
But i was wrong.
Today it hurts so much… I feel like it would burst..
Burst into spontaneous flames… And turn into dust…
That is how much it hurts.

But these words? Aren’t enough.
Today it hurts too much…
Today all I know is pain..
And I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be the same.

And the day after that, and the day after too…
till I lose all sense of time and space.

Please God, oh please tear this heart away,
I don’t want a heart that causes so much pain..
Today words fail me to explain.

Today this heart will turn to ashes, and I’ll take it in my hands and throw it towards the sky.. in hopes that it will mix with rain.. come back to Earth, washed and anew again.
Either that or disappear into the thin air so I won’t get to feel this way all over again.

Today it hurts too much… Too too much,
since words fail me over and over.

I really really hope this heart turns to dust, as it is already crushed…

For I’ve lost again…
And I cannot comprehend why do I get so little time,
With people I love…

I know I’m being selfish here,
There are people who must be hurting much more than us,
But I’ve been called selfish before,
Let’s not prove them wrong anymore.

So I’m being selfish, yes.
But today It’s hurting too much..
For I’ve lost someone…
Just like the time before that, and the time before that.

Is it because I do not deserve love?
Or is it because that’s how life works?
Whatever it is, all I know is, I lose people…
Too early and Too damn much.

Yesterday, I Was Broken (2014 in review)

Brace yourselves peeps this is going to be a long one, I urge you guys to get a warm cup of coffee, put your feet up on the table and read away (An end of the year post is bound to get a bit long so just this once please give me a free pass) ! ❤

I’d been thinking of writing an end of the year post for a while now, You can say kinda like New Year’s Resolution but every time I sat to write I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I’d been feeling throughout this past year and what I wanted to say at the moment. I just couldn’t find the words to say it all, describe how and what I wanted to say. A few days ago I was going through blogs in my reader as I usually do and I came across this fabulous post by Ramisa and I instantly  knew ! I KNEW THIS WAS IT. This was everything I ever wanted to say about myself but could never summon enough strength to write this beautifully and accurately. It was quiet scary to see how true it all settled with me. Every single line is a reflection of me, mirroring my thoughts. If I could I would try to prove that somehow Ramisa has these mind-reading capabilities and she somehow got into my mind at night as I was in deep slumber and stole my thoughts but I can’t prove it (Some day Ramisa someday! 😉 Haha 😀 )

As a little introduction to Ramisa, Here is an excerpt from her About page:

“I love fluffy rabbits that walk around with cute backpacks and have an obsession with cookies-and-cream ice-cream. I love talking to people and simultaneously I appreciate being alone. A bibliophile at heart, an appreciator of technology and of food, I aspire to accomplish the (sadly) impossible goal of hugging every rabbit on this planet. But that won’t stop me from trying.”

See how adorable she is along with being an incredible writer??! What are you waiting for people? Go on, hop over to her blog, read more of her About page, discover more of her awesome posts and say Hi.

Ramisa The Authoress

Now enough with the small talk, let’s cut to the chase, With her due permission I’m sharing this post today on my blog. A huge thanks to Ramisa for letting me publish it here as a way to express myself.


Broken [adj.] having given up all hope; despairing.

Yesterday, sunlight streamed through my windows and onto my large cup of tea, which I sipped serenely. Light reflected off every wall, warmed the beige curtains and my relaxed cheeks, evolving me into a cocoon akin to wrapping myself in blankets on a winter’s night. But then, I remembered –the raspy bitterness, unbearable pain and acute hopelessness of those surrounding me; streaks of black staining their cheeks with their innermost confessions, laced with gritted teeth and wide eyes. Butterflies barged against my ribcage relentlessly, the sweetness of the tea with two-spoons-of-sugar subsiding, sunlight no longer comforting.

Yesterday, accusations of possessing a heart composed of ice were flung at me. While my mother passionately wept for lost souls on news reports, I viewed them as mere numbers; a fact I had no capacity of changing, and should therefore ignore. This apathy defined my character. Maybe this was the evident conclusion–perhaps there was, indeed, something uncanny about my heart and its persistent avoidance of emotions. It took this entire year to recognize the truth: I feel too deeply.

Yesterday, my soul gravitated towards broken people, or theirs to mine–whichever it is, I am not quite sure. I cut myself on their sharp pieces and tenderly stroked sore spots, letting their emotions gulf my own fragmented heart to dilute their emotions. Simultaneously, I verbalised the right words with honey-covered hope and sugary faith. But the emotions linger. Once they latched onto my heart, they had no intention of separating. Soon, this pain I absorbed becomes my own; scattered feelings prevent myself from functioning, often for multiple days in a row.

Yesterday, delusions of broken people preoccupied my time. Those who depicted the slightest trait of insecurity, lack of wholeheartedness or possessed evident fear received my attention and care. In the process, I became friends with mismatched personalities, recognizing only afterwards that our closeness was derived from my constant desire to fix them: I’d worry about their jagged pieces, uncover methods to assist the mending, and in essence, lose myself in them. With time, they piece themselves together and finally acknowledge the light once again; meanwhile, their darkness has suffocated me.

Yesterday, I realized that my ethereal gravitation towards broken people reveals a great amount about myself: this constant desire to help others offers distraction from my own problems. Amidst being preoccupied with issues beyond myself and responsibility, I neglect my own brokenness. Perhaps the reason behind my attraction to shattered pieces is to fill the void within myself –one, I recently found, cannot be mended with anything else except self-love.

Yesterday, I learnt one thing: you cannot fix people. They need to fix themselves. But you can love them dearly and accept them for who they are, including their shattered pieces.

***

Yesterday, I was broken, caught in a desperate routine of fixing surrounding people to avoid personal issues, allowing darkness to overshadow glimpses of light on my cheeks. I did not deserve sunlight –or so I felt. My only happiness was derived from other smiles, temporarily masking the emptiness within myself, before eventually crackling to dust; these short-lived bursts of happiness were never permanent.

Today, I am not quite healed, but I accept the sunlight warming my cheeks. Whether I’m worthy of this profound light, or if darkness is more suitable no longer poses a question. Tenderness settles within the environment, the mirror, and the light. I drink my tea in serenity without my mind inexplicably venturing through an interminable tunnel with no exit.

Tomorrow, I will love myself unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and offer the same acceptance to those around me. Although I will never stop empathizing with others –while I initially considered this trait a curse, I’ve recently acknowledged it as a beautiful gift–the constant need to fix them would fade. I will embrace every shower of light, perceiving the brilliance as a reflection of myself.

The only person I can fix is myself; little by little, the light will become my essence, my definition.


Last but by no means least, The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 25,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

I would personally like to thank each and everyone of you for sticking with me throughout this year, through thick and thins by which I mean my numerous hiatuses, weird tantrums and posts. There are awesome people who have become more than just bloggers, they are a part of my virtual community and friendships that I hold very dear to my heart.

Wish you all a Happy New Year. Cheers to another year of blogging and hopefully many more. ❤

Lots of love and Good vibes your way,
Zee ❤

(P.S A special special thanks to those people who didn’t fall asleep while reading this post and didn’t skim through it either. A big bear hug to y’all! And to people who snoozed away while reading it, I’d still give you credit for at least trying, so an A for effort! )