Nature and Love

Quote of the Week
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 Song Of The Week

Now last but not least for this week’s photo challenge I’ve chosen this photograph. It might not look like much but it was a really frightening yet adventurous experience at the same time, where we truly got to see the force of nature. My friend and I got a chance to explore these Ruins of an old abandoned Hindu Temple. It was already cloudy but the rain had stopped for a little while just enough for us to go wander about the ruins. But nature played us. As soon as we got in the heart of that huge creepy place it started raining cats and dogs, along with thunderstorms. We had no umbrella either. It was getting dark too. And let’s admit running around an old Hindu temple alone wasn’t the most preferable place to be at that point in time with no other person on site. So we ducked beneath one of the structures in the ruins waiting for the rain to stop (While praying something or somebody won’t attack us) and this is when I took this picture. You can see the rain drops on the photo as the darkness surrounded us.

All I gotta say now is: Well played nature well played!Force

(A little side note: I know I’ve been away for a while so hadn’t had a chance to visit your blogs and see what you’ve been up to. I will try to catch up with you guys in the coming days. Thanks for sticking up with me. Love, Zee.)

To Think

To think,
It’s alright, when it’s not
Is the worst thing to go through alone.

To think,
That everything will b alright,
Is a false hope.

To think,
Memories will fade,
Leave you alone and go away,
Is not going to happen
Just so you know.

To think
So many things,
Is not a blessing nor a cure
But a curse.

To think, To think, To think…

Save Me From Myself

Without a word I’m left

Quiet and alone, in these four walls

Squared and despaired

The words I don’t speak,

The words I can’t speak, Stay inside in an ocean

An ocean that drowns me, Each n everyday

I struggle to stay up, above its waves

Sometimes I do, Sometimes I don’t

Fall to its bed, hit my head, on a stone of memories

Bubbles of tears escape my eyes,

Hug myself tight, Wish to be held

 

Stay there for a while, till I’m done with myself

Come right up on to the surface,

A fake smile on my face, “everything alright”, Everybody figures

They don’t know whats inside

An ocean of despair,

Drowns me everyday

Or once in a while

I struggle to breathe

A constant state of mind

Struggle to be myself.

Sometimes I’m lost nowhere to be found

Sometimes I die, so many times from the inside

Nobody saves me, Nobody can save me

Who can save me….from myself?

 

 

 

A Damsel In Distress?

“Until you let someone in, You’ll always be alone”

I read this line as I was scrolling down my news-feed on Facebook. And it made me realize a huge part of what I’ve been going through for the past few months. I’ve never felt alone in my life before until the past few months. Even though I have always been alone, in a way that I had no sister, my brothers were too old, my both parents had a job So I’ve been used to spending time alone and I never minded that. I never remember being bored, I was happy spending time alone. To be honest I found people who ranted “Oh I feel alone”  a little too annoying. I never understood the concept of it. But for the first time in my life when I felt alone, I couldn’t comprehend how could it be?

Me? I’m not suppose to feel that way? I was very naive of that feeling. Now that I think about it I felt that way because I was really in a bad place and I needed someone. I’ve never felt the NEED to need someone before, Do you get it? For the first time in my life I actually needed someone….but no one was there. Either it was lack of my inability to express or it was other people, I felt alone nevertheless. I had to deal with all of that pain and depression alone. Believe me when I tell you HOW BADLY I needed someone to give me a shoulder, tell me not to cry, to tell me that everything’s going to be alright or to just sit with me when I cried bucket of tears holding me in their embrace. The only person I found who was there for me…was ME.

After all that depression, I felt bare and sensitive so I needed someone but nobody was there so it pushed me farther into the deep pit of loneliness.I felt disappointed with people. All of them whom I called friends were just not…there. They didn’t give a shit.

I had to save myself, I was done feeling sorry for myself, I was done being a damsel in distress so I dealt with it the only way I could, The only way I found would work. I distanced myself away from people. Because nothing good comes out of expectations. I expected and I was let down. So NO MORE!

This is my motto now a days. I have successfully distanced myself away from people…at least emotionally. I have literally shut myself off sensitivity wise. Don’t worry it’s not in a creepy, boxed-myself-in-a-corner-of-my-room-and-started-wearing-black-and-heavy makeup-listening-to-shitty-music kind of way !

I just try not to feel anymore. The lesser I connect emotionally with people the lesser chance of getting hurt by them.

So coming to the reading that line about letting someone in, I agree with it. I do. Wholeheartedly. But I haven’t found someone worth letting in, That is the problem. Every time I try, I get knocked down with a punch of disappointment. So until I find that someone, Here’s to being alone !

Where I Don’t Feel Alone

A while back I watched this video which really touched me . I want to share this beautiful piece with you guys as well. Its cinematography is stunning but the message it contains is much more important. I can relate with this because we all need a place where we don’t want to feel alone. We all have dreams that we want to fulfill and last forever.

This is her story:

On May 28, 2012, my brother Daniel died by suicide. At age sixteen he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. For five years he went in and out of psychotic episodes multiple times. During the final episode he decided life was too much and he wanted peace from the torment of his mind.

Soon afterwards I began wondering what would’ve happened if he hadn’t ended his life; what would he be like in 10 – 15 years from now? He made his decision and was ready to leave this earth, but I wanted to create a situation in which that wouldn’t have happened. I wanted to make an imaginary flash forward to the future and maybe what it would’ve been like if he hadn’t killed himself. I hope that he would’ve been happy and found a passion that he loved and worked towards becoming great at. Although that didn’t happen – I know with my whole heart that in heaven he found peace, happiness, and freedom from his suffering.

This entire piece was a self-filmed production.

Music: To Build a Home – The Cinematic Orchestra.
Older dancer: Mia Bendele – En Croix (Homeschool Ballet) Dance Fort Wayne.
Younger girl: Me

Here is the beautiful video by Esther Boller:

(Please note I’m not in any shape or form stealing her work, I just want to share this with the world so all of you can also watch and  appreciate her work. Thank you)

Scared-Phobia


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I still remember to this day, The trigger of my phobia. I’ve heard it is very unusual for people to remember their trigger. They usually suppress the memories. But I remember it as clear as a day.

It was about 10 years ago, I was in Karachi (Largest city of Pakistan) to meet some relatives,  we had just arrived there and on our way from train station to their house.  My Aunt came to pick us up and I was sitting in the car in the back seat with my mom. We came across a U-turn and my aunt told my mom that a man was killed right there. She went about telling the whole story of the murder(which I don’t remember clearly) as I listened to it.

That was the day after which I started to get scared. Really scared. I was scared of being alone in the dark. Afraid that something or someone will get to me. Kill me. I don’t know what this phobia is called medically to this day. But all i know is, it wasn’t just a normal fear. I was paranoid !
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I was scared of everything that moved in the dark. I always thought there was something lurking in the dark waiting for me to close my eyes and it’ll jump out and grab me.
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And the worst part was it wasn’t only when I was alone, even if somebody was sleeping with me I would always feel a presence with me. I would still be as much scared.

I guess I can say that I was actually scared that somebody was gonna kill me.
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I can’t count the sleepless nights I spent rolling in the bed. I was scared even to roll to my side as I was sure something will attack me if my back is to it. So I always laid on my back, face facing upward and trying to look side to side with my two eyes (although at that time I wished I had four eyes so I could look everywhere).

For more than 10 years,  I had to endure this fear. It was really hard for me to cope with it. I still remember the fear and the darkness I felt lying on my little bed. Wanting to sleep so bad but wasn’t able to.
Everything in the dark was my enemy and I had to fight a really hard battle.

I was afraid to watch any horror movie or drama or anything like that.
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I don’t know why but with time that fear started to subside. I started to become less and less conscious about it as I got more involved and busy with my studies.
I was afraid to watch horror movies as I mentioned before, but when I saw it once, I found out I wasn’t that scared of them anymore.

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I was searching for a reason, Why do we fear? I came across this answer:

Most fears are nothing but movements of thoughts. A thought is a language that we give for words, pictures and feelings. Put in a different way, a thought is just a movement of word, picture and feeling… You interpret a thought in your mind in a language that you are afraid, and you experience fear.

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As I thought more and more about it and tried to find my answer I realized why that phobia faded away.

My phobia started when I was very little, maybe 8-10 years old, usually kids of that age don’t have much to do. Studies are not that hard and there isn’t any other personal life problem, you are just so in over yourself. All you do all day is THINK!

Think about stuff…any stuff…and considering above explanation of Why do we fear, my over-imaginative mind started to imagine uncontrollably. I was little, I had nothing really to do then but as I grew up , got busy with my studies and other life problems, my mind didn’t had any space left to think about the fear too. So as I got busier and busier, the fear started to fade away.

It doesn’t mean its completely gone, its there somewhere. It takes over sometimes. But its normal, I think everybody gets scared once in a while so I’m not that worried about it anymore.

Everybody has some kind of fear. It can be a fear of being alone, fear of some animal, fear of losing someone. Admit it, EVERYBODY has fear of something but the key is not to let it rule you. You have to learn to overcome it,find the root cause of the problem and then take one step at a time.
You’ll get there one day. As i have. I’m sure!
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(Image credit: Google)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/daily-prompt-frightening/