Nature and Love

Quote of the Week
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 Song Of The Week

Now last but not least for this week’s photo challenge I’ve chosen this photograph. It might not look like much but it was a really frightening yet adventurous experience at the same time, where we truly got to see the force of nature. My friend and I got a chance to explore these Ruins of an old abandoned Hindu Temple. It was already cloudy but the rain had stopped for a little while just enough for us to go wander about the ruins. But nature played us. As soon as we got in the heart of that huge creepy place it started raining cats and dogs, along with thunderstorms. We had no umbrella either. It was getting dark too. And let’s admit running around an old Hindu temple alone wasn’t the most preferable place to be at that point in time with no other person on site. So we ducked beneath one of the structures in the ruins waiting for the rain to stop (While praying something or somebody won’t attack us) and this is when I took this picture. You can see the rain drops on the photo as the darkness surrounded us.

All I gotta say now is: Well played nature well played!Force

(A little side note: I know I’ve been away for a while so hadn’t had a chance to visit your blogs and see what you’ve been up to. I will try to catch up with you guys in the coming days. Thanks for sticking up with me. Love, Zee.)

AFRAID !

Today marks my blog’s One year anniversary. It doesn’t feel much like it considering I have been on and off with hiatus all this time. so to feel nostalgic here is my very first post on this blog. It was my first time and I was obviously very confused, go easy on me! Lol
To me this blog and my computer is my soulful machine which understand me..so cheers to blogging !

Life Confusions

I think i know what i want from life…at least i think i do!

But i am afraid if I’ll ever get all of it …what if i don’t get what i want ? i don’t want to spend all my remaining life being miserable , always thinking about the things i didn’t get from life .

Its not like i am not happy with what i have, believe me i am ! but i want more !
And i guess thats what i am afraid of, of wanting more, when i already have so much to thank for …

The weird thing is i am afraid of even getting it all …. what if i get everything i want and still thats not enough ? what would i do then ?
Thats what confusing me….i am afraid either way….there’s a fear of not getting everything i want but a fear of…

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Scared-Phobia


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I still remember to this day, The trigger of my phobia. I’ve heard it is very unusual for people to remember their trigger. They usually suppress the memories. But I remember it as clear as a day.

It was about 10 years ago, I was in Karachi (Largest city of Pakistan) to meet some relatives,  we had just arrived there and on our way from train station to their house.  My Aunt came to pick us up and I was sitting in the car in the back seat with my mom. We came across a U-turn and my aunt told my mom that a man was killed right there. She went about telling the whole story of the murder(which I don’t remember clearly) as I listened to it.

That was the day after which I started to get scared. Really scared. I was scared of being alone in the dark. Afraid that something or someone will get to me. Kill me. I don’t know what this phobia is called medically to this day. But all i know is, it wasn’t just a normal fear. I was paranoid !
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I was scared of everything that moved in the dark. I always thought there was something lurking in the dark waiting for me to close my eyes and it’ll jump out and grab me.
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And the worst part was it wasn’t only when I was alone, even if somebody was sleeping with me I would always feel a presence with me. I would still be as much scared.

I guess I can say that I was actually scared that somebody was gonna kill me.
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I can’t count the sleepless nights I spent rolling in the bed. I was scared even to roll to my side as I was sure something will attack me if my back is to it. So I always laid on my back, face facing upward and trying to look side to side with my two eyes (although at that time I wished I had four eyes so I could look everywhere).

For more than 10 years,  I had to endure this fear. It was really hard for me to cope with it. I still remember the fear and the darkness I felt lying on my little bed. Wanting to sleep so bad but wasn’t able to.
Everything in the dark was my enemy and I had to fight a really hard battle.

I was afraid to watch any horror movie or drama or anything like that.
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I don’t know why but with time that fear started to subside. I started to become less and less conscious about it as I got more involved and busy with my studies.
I was afraid to watch horror movies as I mentioned before, but when I saw it once, I found out I wasn’t that scared of them anymore.

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I was searching for a reason, Why do we fear? I came across this answer:

Most fears are nothing but movements of thoughts. A thought is a language that we give for words, pictures and feelings. Put in a different way, a thought is just a movement of word, picture and feeling… You interpret a thought in your mind in a language that you are afraid, and you experience fear.

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As I thought more and more about it and tried to find my answer I realized why that phobia faded away.

My phobia started when I was very little, maybe 8-10 years old, usually kids of that age don’t have much to do. Studies are not that hard and there isn’t any other personal life problem, you are just so in over yourself. All you do all day is THINK!

Think about stuff…any stuff…and considering above explanation of Why do we fear, my over-imaginative mind started to imagine uncontrollably. I was little, I had nothing really to do then but as I grew up , got busy with my studies and other life problems, my mind didn’t had any space left to think about the fear too. So as I got busier and busier, the fear started to fade away.

It doesn’t mean its completely gone, its there somewhere. It takes over sometimes. But its normal, I think everybody gets scared once in a while so I’m not that worried about it anymore.

Everybody has some kind of fear. It can be a fear of being alone, fear of some animal, fear of losing someone. Admit it, EVERYBODY has fear of something but the key is not to let it rule you. You have to learn to overcome it,find the root cause of the problem and then take one step at a time.
You’ll get there one day. As i have. I’m sure!
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(Image credit: Google)

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/10/daily-prompt-frightening/

A Battle With Myself

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As i stood in my bathroom holding the blade in my hand, turning it over and over again between my fingers, occasionally glancing at my reflection in the mirror, the person who was staring back at me wasn’t really…ME.
Because ME-the old me would have never even thought about doing something like that. The old me found it disgusting and messed up. Then how…why did i come to this?

It wasn’t like i was going to suicide or something, i just wanted to cut a little, see a little blood come pouring out of it and maybe the pain of that will overcome the pain i was feeling due to messed up events in my life. I just wanted  to stop that pain by inflicting myself with the other kind of pain because it was getting too hard for me to bear.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve spent most of my childhood crying , at least thats the only thing i remember of it. Its not like i haven’t seen any happiness in my life at all. I’ve been blessed with so many things but problems have always been part of my life as well and they still are. I guess i am just tired now. In most real and literal sense, TIRED !
I just want PEACE in my life, i want all the shit to be over. i have reached my breaking point. i can’t….i can’t suffer anymore. Its too much to bear.

Holding the blade in between my fingers i started to contemplate if i really wanted to do this…to be honest i started to wonder if i actually had the courage to do this. I pressed the blade just a little on my arm, not too hard. Pressed again and again. No blood came out.

Then i realized…i was afraid to do it….i wasn’t strong enough….my will power wasn’t that strong….i was a coward…wasn’t i ?

I just couldn’t bring myself to harm myself. So, I put the blade back where it belonged not leaving any evidence of me touching it.

Held the washbasin tightly with both hands, bowed my head down and cried. I just kept crying, crying and crying  for everything that happened to me since my childhood up until now. I prayed as i cried.
Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for tranquility, prayed for inner peace and calmness and put everything in HIS hands.

Washed my face and came out of the bathroom like nothing out of ordinary happened in there.  And waited for my faith to set in again as I seem to have run out of it for some time now.