END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything coherent regarding my feelings and even longer since I have posted here on my blog. I’ve stopped writing for most part and when I would tell people about it all of them said one thing to me; Why? This is such a gift. To be able to put your feelings into words. Make your pain sound beautiful. So this is me trying. By the end of this two-part post I plan to achieve at least one thing; closure. Either a closure to this blog, or a closure to an era of my life. I guess we will see which one is it going to be by the end. 

The last 6 months of my university life were pretty eventful. This was the first time I was living away from home and independently, on my own. This was, for most part, one of the best period of my life. Not because it was all great but because, despite of so much drama and pain involved, I somehow emerged as a changed person finally. Not changed, as in fixed. But changed, as in stronger.

A childhood friend and I were standing on a rooftop holding sky lanterns in our hands, about to release it into the air. When she said, “wait hold on, We gotta wish for something before we do it.” so we both closed our eyes and wished. And there it went raising itself to the sky as soon as we let it go. It’s orange light seemed like hope against the black sky. We watched it fade into the night, becoming one with the stars. She turned towards me and asked, “so what did you wish for?” and I replied without a second hesitation, “To be happy”.

The one conflict most significant throughout this period was my struggle with the idea of ‘happiness’. My whole world revolved around the question ‘what is happiness’. I could not, for the life of me, understand it. Probably because it had been a long time since I had felt it. Probably because I could not comprehend why am I not happy despite of ‘seemingly’ having it all. With every single person I sat with, I used to ask them these questions, “what do you think happiness is?”, “what is happiness for you?” in desperate attempt to find some answers. I was a tangled mess. There was sadness and an obvious lack of happiness. But I lived for the moments. And these moments made me have the best time of my life.

I met so many different people, had so many amazing experiences along with some really bad ones but everything was worth it. My friend and I, once crashed some strangers wedding (we were invited but through friend of a friend and we knew nobody there except two other people). We all literally danced for 1 hour straight, ending up in a sweaty mess by the end of it. At one point even took our shoes off. Then we joined a train dance, with bride and groom on front. We danced our assess off, cuz 1)we knew nobody there and knew we were never gonna see them again either, so we went all in 2)It helped that some people on the dance floor were a bit tipsy so nobody cared what we were doing :D. It was a very memorable wedding for sure.

An extremely busy highway was once closed off due to some political protests. There was an overhead bridge which was empty as well cuz of that. Police was standing on either sides of the road monitoring. A friend and I sneaked on to the overhead bridge taking advantage of the darkness and sat in the middle of it in the shadows so nobody could spot us. We had a very deep conversation while sitting there looking over the deserted highway, scarce cars and mountains in the distance as night lights flickered. It was so beautiful, I could not stop just staring at the endless deserted highway in front of me from the top. We had to leave soon enough tho as police proceeded closer. It was quiet an adventure.

I will always remember roaming on the streets at night, eating out with almost no money in the pockets, catching an uber and just going to the first place that comes to mind. A friend took me to his (secret) favorite spot in the city. We sat on a specific corner and the whole city was widespread in front of me. It was hands down one of the best places I had been to. It was mostly quiet and very few people were roaming around as the night dawned in. It was cold winter night and we were freezing but the view was breathtaking. Breathtaking is an understatement. I could have spent an eternity there looking at the night lights; high rise distant building, cars speeding on the highways on three different sides, stadium lights flashing in the distance as the cold wind blew in my face. It felt like I was part of the night sky. The whole city looked to be immersed in million stars. The sadness in my heart acknowledging the beauty of those moments as well, while I sat on the wall trying to imprint the view into my eyes forever.

If there’s one thing I learned during this time period, it was how strong I can be. Especially two friends of mind, B and K, really helped me through it. They gave me strength when I thought I had none. It was only then I realized how insanely frail I used to ‘think’ I was. I struggled a lot with my self-worth, self-loathing and self-deterioration. There were days I was nothing but a flesh dripping with sadness unable to comprehend the person that I am. Thinking of myself as unworthy of love or care or affection. They both made me believe in myself. Of my worth. Of my ability to take decisions. I learned to see things through more positive perspective, how to take things easy and how to not give a fuck to every single person and situation in my life. I learned a lot about actions. We can apologize over and over but if our actions don’t change, the words become meaningless. You will come across so many people in your life who will claim to care for you and love you and be there for you, but there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions. Actions prove who someone actually is, words just prove who they want to be.

And just like that, Somewhere along the way, my struggle with the idea of ‘being happy’ blurred away. Perhaps I accepted the sadness as a part of me. Perhaps I accepted to be content with the moments in between. Perhaps I was happy but didn’t know I was. Perhaps I stopped looking for happiness cuz I knew the answers to my questions weren’t that easy. Perhaps I knew some day I will find it but not yet. Perhaps…

Next: Part 2 (Pain, Forgiveness and letting go)

I Broke The Projector…SSShhh Don’t Tell Anyone!

Daily Prompt: Let’s Go Crazy

Sometimes, we act on impulse: What’s the most crazy, outrageously impulsive thing you’ve ever done? 

_______________________

Well for this I don’t need to think very far. I’d been meaning to confess  write about my this little, okay not that little, adventure for quite a while now and today I’ve got my chance at last. Before I start I need to make something clear, I’m not PROUD of what I did but lets just admit it was IMPRESSIVE how we never got caught. You’ll know what I’m talking about in a while.

story

Okay so on one fateful day, my friends decided to study in the break. We usually goof around whenever we have time but our exams were near so they decided to study instead. Now the question was where to study. Library? No, Too many people there, they needed to combine study and they couldn’t sit still for a second. Outside? Too much distraction so they ditched that as well and decided to study in an empty class room. (Which was our lecture hall in the previous semester)

Notice how I wrote THEY and not WE ? It is because I was not in the favor of studying together in the first place. I knew that we were not made to study together. It just isn’t possible with such loud personalities of almost everyone in our group. So I told them to go off without me. For a while I sat alone, doing nothing but then I though; ‘what the hell, better go and check them out at least, maybe they are actually studying for a change.’ So I went in and as I suspected of course they were NOT studying !

I sat with them, talking and laughing about some random stuff. We were sitting on the plastic arm chairs, I don’t know how or why but one of my friends started to draw me on the arm rest with a board marker as a joke.

That's me 'Ziffi'

That’s me ‘Ziffi’

So I drew her as a protest:
mona

Then I drew my other friend sitting with us, who got caught in the crossfire:
shafakThings escalated quickly and we ended up drawing everyone who was present in the room at that time:
all
(You must be wondering how this is connected to me breaking the projector screen and never getting caught? Let me tell you this has a HUGE role which you’ll know in a while.)

So after drawing each other, we got up on the stage where lectures are given on the board and projector screen. The projector screen was rolled up and just a thread was hanging from it so it can be pulled down whenever needed.(One thing I need to clarify is that our projector screens are not the ones which are put on stand and are of small size, actually they are suspended from the wall with a heavy bar and are quite big in size.)  One of my friends dared me to get the screen down:
Output file
The projector was suspended about 13-15 feet high on the wall, I tried to pull the thread down to open the screen but as it was quite high I could only reach up to touch the thread but wasn’t able to get a hold of it and get it down. My other friends decided to join me. Now this was a matter of pride. We HAD to get the screen down. In our fail attempts, me and my other friends tried to perk up another friend on our shoulders to get a hold of thread but she was too heavy for us to keep her up, she nearly fell on the cement floor but we caught her just in time.

Something like this.

Something like this.

Caught in the moment of emotion and frustration one of my friend even tried to use the power of her shoe to get it down. But Alas we weren’t successful. My friend ‘M’ was pretty tall so we asked her to get it down for us which we were refusing to do so before. One should know when to accept defeat….but not me. No No, I wanted to take revenge on that screen for not letting me get it down.
I decided to push the thread to make it roll upwards again. Before I pulled on the thread my friend M said: Be careful, it may fall down. I was like ‘Stop with your black tongue’ to which she replied: ‘No seriously when I was pulling the thread down to open the screen it felt a little loose and was shaking’

But I was gone too far on my spree to revenge that I didn’t care, I didn’t really though that what she said could actually happen. So I gave a tug to the thread and Whooooooossshh, up it went. It struck its bar to which it was attached: Thhhhhaaaaasssshhhhhhh

As soon as it went up and struck the heavy bar, the bar came off the wall and came crashing down 13 feet along with everything : BBBaaannnngggg Bbbbboooommm Baaaaaaangg.

I still remember those three sounds it made as it fell on the cemented stage. It was like a loud car crash or sound that comes from steel making factories. It was bound to be heard by everyone in the university!

For a moment we all froze, right where we were standing. And then realizing what happened we ran with a speed of lightning. We dashed picking up our books from the chairs and skiting out of the room with thumping hearts and almost falling on each other.

We reached the corridor, which we found empty, luckily. As there were only two ways of being in that corridor, either from the library (which was locked at that time) and the lecture hall from where we were appearing. If someone saw us in the corridor at that time we’d be doomed.

We took a sigh of relief and started to make our way out when one of us suddenly remembered the pictures we drew of all of us on the arm rest….Shit !!! And here is how those pictures were of great value. It was VERY important to remove any kind of evidence that pointed to our presence there., As that lecture hall was closed usually and no one would go there in usual circumstances. If they found our pictures drawn on the chairs, it would certainly mean that we were there at some point in time. And it wouldn’t take them long to connect the dots and put the pieces together and us ending up suspended or worst paying up for that already shitty projector which used to turn off after every 15 minutes due to over heating. What? Really? Yes !

So one of our friends was chosen to clean up the evidence. She ran to the lecture hall  and cleaned off the pictures as we waited for her in the corridor . This mission was successful. Then there was the important task of getting out of there unnoticed. The sound which came off as projector hit the ground was too loud to ignore, Someone specially one of our classmates were bound to inquire about it soon enough even though it was on the ground floor. I told all of us not to leave together because that would be suspicious. I had seen enough of ‘Criminal Minds’ to cover up my tracks !  So we left in the number of two. Careful of anyone eying us. And then dashed up the stairs , out in the ground !

Later we asked various students if they had heard any kind of sound, they said No. Thankfully it was our last day in university before our preparatory week holidays for exams. We went home, never to hear of this incident again from anyone ever again…

Yessss!!!

Yessss!!!