Tonight I wanted it to rain. I wanted to hear the rain drop outside my window, softly landing without the fear of fall. I wanted it to rain, I longed for the sound of it to seep into my veins. Because today was all about pain. Today I questioned a lot of things like why do we have to suffer so much? …a little too much? Why do we always have to beg and plead for it all to go away? Why can’t it just be so kind once In a while and leave on its own, close the door quietly behind it and let us breathe; without the fear of our heart exploding with every rise of our chest because pain is seeping out of its every pore. Nearly bursting at the seams.
You carry pain like boom box weighing heavy and pulses like radiation. Walking from door to door looking for answers until you fall devastatingly tired and weary on a cold floor that sends chills down to your spine. It feels like you will break into two. Your weak bones breaking, snapping like twigs but they don’t. There is just raw pain and nothing more.
I wanted it to rain and soothe the wound that just doesn’t seem to stop bleeding. That just opens once in a while no matter how much bandages you cover it with or how many times you suture it- it opens like it never healed to begin with. And then it bleeds. And you rush to somehow make it stop until you realize the more you resist, the deeper it afflicts and the harder it hits. So, you finally drown beneath it. You let it drown you until you can’t breathe. And you can tell this is the day, you died a little inside.
I just wanted to hear it rain and maybe mask that mourning. The soundless snapping of severed arteries and occluded veins. It felt like the whole season of autumn within me. How it’s so damn beautiful yet everything is dying