Tonight I Want It To Rain

Tonight I wanted it to rain. I wanted to hear the rain drop outside my window, softly landing without the fear of fall. I wanted it to rain, I longed for the sound of it to seep into my veins. Because today was all about pain. Today I questioned a lot of things like why do we have to suffer so much? …a little too much? Why do we always have to beg and plead for it all to go away? Why can’t it just be so kind once In a while and leave on its own, close the door quietly behind it and let us breathe; without the fear of our heart exploding with every rise of our chest because pain is seeping out of its every pore. Nearly bursting at the seams.

You carry pain like boom box weighing heavy and pulses like radiation. Walking from door to door looking for answers until you fall devastatingly tired and weary on a cold floor that sends chills down to your spine. It feels like you will break into two. Your weak bones breaking, snapping like twigs but they don’t. There is just raw pain and nothing more.

I wanted it to rain and soothe the wound that just doesn’t seem to stop bleeding. That just opens once in a while no matter how much bandages you cover it with or how many times you suture it- it opens like it never healed to begin with. And then it bleeds. And you rush to somehow make it stop until you realize the more you resist, the deeper it afflicts and the harder it hits. So, you finally drown beneath it. You let it drown you until you can’t breathe. And you can tell this is the day, you died a little inside.

I just wanted to hear it rain and maybe mask that mourning. The soundless snapping of severed arteries and occluded veins. It felt like the whole season of autumn within me. How it’s so damn beautiful yet everything is dying


(Daily post:  Conundrum, Finding Your Place,New Horizon )

Permanent Scars

About 8 months ago I participated in a badminton tournament, semi final was one of the most intense match I ever had in my life. I dived on the concrete pavement multiple times. By the third time I already knew my knee was bruised and bleeding. Logically I should have stopped but illogically I continued to dive the next fourth and fifth time anyways, knowing all too well it’s gonna hurt like hell once the adrenaline rush dies down. Now, there is a permanent scar on my knee. I look back and think why did I do it to myself? I mean the dive was not necessary (who intentionally dives on a freaking concrete pavement anyways? ) I had hurt myself by the first two times.  I should have avoided (and I easily could have) the next multiple dives. But I continued to let it hurt me. And in the end that’s what I was left with; A permanent scar.

Few weeks ago I was looking at it running my finger over the faded mark. It made me think of all the other times we let others hurt us over and over again. Is it because we think it will start to hurt less by I don’t know, the 10th time? Or is it because we think they will stop doing it at some point? But they never stop, do they? They continue to strike just the same way, pounding, beating. Each strike stinging harder than the one before. Until our heart cracks under the merciless blows and cries for help but we carefully hush down it’s screams, telling ourselves that this pain is worth it. Heck sometimes we even tell ourselves we like it. The worst part isn’t that they hurt us or continue to do so after we have almost bent over backwards to make it all work, the worst part is we let them do it to us. We let them. And it always, always ends up doing more damage than good. We somehow convince ourselves we deserve this pain, we convince ourselves that pain is unavoidable part of it all. We become more and more accepting of it until one day we wake up and realize how we are permanently scarred. And it’s too late to do anything about it.

We think it makes us somehow pious, better than lot, because we are doing such a high service by holding on despite of all the pain and hurt. We consider letting go a loss. I look back and wish I knew this back then, that sometimes holding on makes you lose more than letting go ever does. Because then it all becomes a cycle. You sacrifice, surrender and lose; even yourself in the process. And for what? Nothing is worth losing pieces of yourself and certainly not to the pain. Not by any chance, not by far means. Not ever.

I can only hope, that we learn not to let anyone hurt us so much so that it leaves permanent marks on our chest. So that with every breath we aren’t reminded of how much of ourselves we lost while all that time we were a standing witness to our own destruction. I can only hope, we love ourselves enough not to let anyone do that to us. I can only hope, that we heal. I can only hope that we learn to forgive ourselves because we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry. And let light enter us through the broken gaps. Because if anything, we deserve it; Light, Love, Kindness, Healing.

“If they must go then let them leave. For they cannot take back the love they never gave you. The one you deserve but never received.”

– R.M.Drake

(Daily post: Relax, Construct)

You There

It’s in the way she moves,
Softly, firmly, quietly,
Like she doesn’t wish to be spotted.
Slipping through cracks,
And disappearing into the crowd.

It’s in the way she laughs,
So ordinary, so familiar,
Yet a contradiction to her eyes.

Her eyes, so profound-
Seemingly an abysmal nothingness,
Yet containing everything.
Everything that needs to be known about her.

(Daily Prompt: Flattery Radical Authenticity )

October Is Here.

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been an year! I wrote this following poem last October but never got around to sharing it. So I thought it’s only appropriate now that another October is here, to post this as an Ode to this month of dying beauty. It’s also a testament to how far I’ve come as a writer and most importantly feeling comfortable enough to share my work with the world. It brings back all kind of nostalgia to think I couldn’t share this last year but now I’m ready to own my writings and the writer in me. So without further due here it is.

October is here and September is gone,
while November is soon to come.

The days turn to nights and nights into days,
While I wait for your return.

Standing on the threshold of our dreams,
I stand gazing upon the autumn trees.

The crisp air swooshes by me,
And leaves filled with color fall upon my feet.

I melt into the October sky,
I reflect how so many months have since passed by,
while I wait with my tears all dried,
And coffee turned cold.

The morning sun peeks through the autumn trees,
Solemn air mourns and weeps.
I need your warmth to save me,
From the cold dark nights that are soon to embrace me.

October is here, but not you.
Not yet.

Maybe November, maybe December.
Or maybe in January February.
Someday you will return,
Whether it’s March, April, June or July.

I will wait for you forever,
Even through August and September.

And then October will come again,
Bringing back memories of the day you left.
Leaving behind a flesh of heaving weeping mess,
Stranded on the doorway tracing your footsteps.

October is here again, but not you.
Not yet.

( Nostalgia )

A Quest Of You

(WPC: Quest )
Processed with VSCO with a5 preset

Let me crawl into you like a tunnel to an abandoned city.
I’ll walk down the deserted road to your heart,
with caution and measured steps.

I’ll explore the wilderness under your chest.
My footsteps echo in the empty auditorium of your rib cage,
Whispering stories of ruins and remains.

Those wild dandelions smell of cigarettes and smoke,
You are poison and beauty,
A realistic illusion to behold.

You are a little more darkness than light at the moment.
As I walk through your city of broken hearts,
Some pieces hang from the non existent sky,
While some lay scattered on the dirt path.
I step on few by mistake,
I see you wither in pain.

I apologize for the inconvenience I’ve caused,
But there is something so extraordinary,
About treading uncharted territories,
To explore places that have never been touched before.

Let me walk through forsaken forgotten relics of your soul.
I promise I’ll not leave you emptier like the ones that came before.

I’ll rebuild you from ashes,
I’ll show you how beautiful your ruins are.
I’ll graze my knees on your asphalt heart.
I’ll stand on the boulevard of your shattered dreams and lost hope,
To rebuild them from scratch.
I’ll caress your skin until you come back to life.

Feel Darling, Feel.

Feel. I told myself feel. Don’t stop. You will not experience such pain again. So feel darling. Learn your lesson, down to the marrow of your bones. Why to never let them in again. So you learn from your mistakes.

Feel. Let it consume you. Let it reduce you to ashes. So when you come out beaten and broken at the other end, you know how to build walls as strong as mountains.

Let it paint you in scarlet red, blue, yellow and purple. Let it bruise you in colours you’ve never been bruised before. Feel darling, feel.

Let it burn you like the sun, scalding your skin, melting your insides. Watch yourself burn.

Let it destroy your heart like the hurricane on rampage. Feel it being blown to smithereens, every shard stabbing you, every scar being etched into your skin. Feel. Don’t escape. Don’t try to subdue this pain. Let it prick your every pore, one at a time. One by one.

Throb. Ache. Bleed.

Feel darling, feel.

( Silence )

Heart On Fire

“Say it”, I said to him like I wanted it.

“Say what?” He asked like he knew exactly what I was talking about but choose to ask anyway just to stall the inevitable.

“You know what! C’mon free yourself from these chains. The only person you are holding down is yourself at this point. Exempt yourself from this burden.” I said with pastoral face but with a violent frenzy brewing inside me that I didn’t let surface. That threatened to destroy everything in its wake.

He was looking everywhere but at me. His eyes gazing somewhere way past my face. He pursed his lips together and stood there quiet and contemplating for a minute or two. To me it felt like those final moments where your life flashes in front of your eyes before you are hit. I swear in those moments the air between us grew hundred folds heavier. I felt it’s choke-hold around my throat as I struggled to keep a steady breath.

“I don’t love you anymore.” Five words escaped his lips. Rolled through his tongue, covered the distance between us and stabbed me right in the middle of my chest. I took a sharp intake of air as I felt the impact send surge through my body.

(Ripples. Flood. Tide.
Thunder. Riot. Chaos.
Mayhem. Turmoil. Grief.)

With that he threw his shackles away, set himself free.
And now there I stood: chained.

“A man’s heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn’t like a mother’s womb. It won’t bleed. It won’t stretch to make room for you.”- Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns.

//Just a story of a boy who never really loved her//


Side note: I’ll be posting the next password protected post on Wednesday. For some reason it doesn’t appear in WordPress reader or email notifications (from what I’ve been told) so you might have to visit my blog. I apologize for the inconvenience. For those of you who are new, if you wish to read the posts please leave your email address in the comment section below or contact me at mine. Thank you.
( Here and Now )

Edge For You

(Edge: WPC)

There are days when even the earth spins with more sorrow and even the sky bleeds. I see it in your eyes, the anguish. You look away, trying to save me from it cuz you know I can always tell and that I will come running to share it with you.

I know there are nights, cold December wind chilling to your core adding to your suffering. I will be warm for you, I will cover you up. I will color your bleakness with what little shades of me I have left. I’ll cuddle you in and envelop you in my love.

There will be days and there will be nights. The one in between your smile and frown, in between your sadness and happiness. There will be lots of days and nights. But through it, I’ll stay with you. I’ll breathe with you and I’ll cry with you. In silence if that’s what you need. Because it’s a chance for me to be more than me, just for you.