Her.

She sits in front of me, a walking contradiction. A cigarette between her lips and a pack in her lap, a lighter in another hand flipping it on and off. She knew that drove me crazy and that I wanted her to stop but she got off on driving me crazy so I let her. This time I let her. I could tell the storm in her head was a little too much for her to bear today. I could see the blizzard in her eyes and tornado right on the tip of her tongue. She was a fiery combustion on most days but a cyclone of hurricane and angst on days like these. And the most damage she did was to herself.

“You shouldn’t smoke this much. I don’t have to tell you how unhealthy it is.” I tell her.

“F**k off. I don’t like you very much.” She says taking a long hard puff of her cigarette, that I’m pretty sure went as far down in her lungs as it possibly could. Poison seeping into its walls. She looked me in the eyes as if challenging me to stop her from this self inflicting harm. I don’t know what would hurt her more; me stopping her or letting her continue to do what she was doing. But one thing I knew for sure, I wanted her against the wall.

“It’s okay you don’t have to.”, I say. She wasn’t ocean’s water, she was the stormy raining sky. She was a downpour of defiance and sass.

“You think you know everything, but you don’t. And stop leaving your body to corrode. You need to stop letting them steal you from you so easily. You give yourself on a fucking plate. You are the kind they devour. The kind they relish while tearing apart piece by piece. The kind they ravage and enjoy. Stop please stop.”

The ash from the burning cigarette was falling off the edge at the end of her fingertips. And i felt like so was she; falling off the edge. Or was it me? I was the one falling for her. There was no saving me from the fall but I wanted to save her. She had enough damage done to her, another fall and I could feel that would break her. Shatter, more precisely. Her head and heart were already pretty disintegrated.

“Don’t tell me what to do and what not to do. Who the fuck do you think you are?” She roars. So headstrong and untamed. “Just let me be. This body is mine, let me do whatever I want with it.”

“What about the soul that houses in it?”

“What about it? Do you want it? Take it. All those that came before you wanted the same. Everybody wants a piece of it. Take it, whatever’s left of it. I don’t need it anymore. I don’t fucking care.” She threw away the cigarette she was smoking and reached for another
from her pack.

“Don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because.”

She contemplated for a second, flipping the lighter on and off between her fingers. She looked at me. She was unraveling me with her eyes and I felt it. I was a frightened boy trapped in a man’s body and she saw it. She kept staring at me quietly, and I felt weak. She was looking at me like she was deciphering me, like a code that cracked the moment she laid eyes on me. A part of me was afraid of what she’d find. Or if what she would find be worthy of her. Her gaze was scrutinizing. Maybe I should have just let her smoke, I mulled over my decision. She stopped playing with her lighter and eased back into her chair, her legs sprawled casually in front of her.

“Okay.”, she finally said. And her rain met with my athirst river.

(In response to Discover challenge: Portraits and Daily prompt:Maybe)

Mountain & You.

One Word Prompt: LEAP/LONGING.

I stood at the edge of the mountain, a mind blowing view in front of me as the clouds rolled by and I could see almost everything in the distance. It was as if I’d become one with the sky, it was as if I’d reach up I would touch heaven above. Everything was so perfect yet all I could do was miss you. I screamed from atop, your name, it crashed with the mountains and valleys below and came back with the message that you were gone. All I wanted was for clouds to wrap me up and float towards you. All I wanted was to leap from mountains to mountains and somewhere in between find you. All I wanted from the wind was to carry your scent. Such massive beauty in front of me but all I could think of was you. And in that moment I swear the mountains moved… as my heart quivered in longing towards you.

 

Finally….

I thought I could build barricade for my words, conceal them, imprison them, hide them. But boy oh boy was I wrong. The words were too strong for any barricade to hold. They demolished the high rise walls of my insecurities and flowed with high tide of emotions, crashing mercilessly against the paper. The thoughts that were held captive for far too long, broke to their freedom in a magical moment of catharsis,finding their release out from my restless fingers. Finally, the freedom they always craved for, was granted to them and my aching heart was set free.

Just A Dream

I have these dreams….
Where I’m running..running and running…Away from something…someone. I don’t know who or what.

All I know is I’m running for my life. To save myself.

I’ve had these same dreams since my childhood, since I can remember I’ve had it. Me running from someone, someone following me but the interesting part is I never get caught. Never.

Same dream over and over again just the scenarios are different now. It’s around the same area. I’m running either around my childhood home, the area surrounding it where I grew up climbing walls, trees and what not.

Or the area where I’m residing now. Or the area between my old and new home.The area never changes. It’s never the unknown. I always know where to run where to go.

When I was little, they were plain and simple, someone trying to catch me and me running for my life in a simple street around my old house. Now they have become much more complicated, The area where I’m running has expanded. Maybe now my subconscious knows of more area so it’s between my old and new house. They are not very far. 10 minutes drive tops. Sometimes it’s not just me there are some random people running with me too.

These are not nightmares. I won’t call them as nightmares. It doesn’t mean I don’t wake up scared, my heart beating fast, disoriented but aren’t nightmares suppose to be……I don’t know much worse? Where you wake up screaming?

After spending 14 years in my childhood house, we shifted to this new house. In my 14 years in that house since I can remember I’ve had those dreams. Same thing over and over. When we shifted to the new house they kind of stopped…or I think they did. We’ve been here for 5 years now. The dreams started again last year

Now the dreams are much more…grand I would say. As I said now the area has expanded, between the area of my old and new house. I’m running… I can’t get the running out of my head. The fear. The anticipation.
I’ll have to admit the dreams are sometimes exhilarating ! I wake up and adrenaline is pumping through my veins but it is frustrating. Sometimes I feel physically and mentally exhausted. Why I was compelled to write about it after all these years was because I’ve had these dreams in succession since 3 days. Today was exceptionally different as when my eyes opened suddenly, my heart was beating so fast I thought it would explode out of my chest. It was as if I’d run a mile or two in reality. .My heart was literally hurting from beating so fast.

I’ve never mentioned my dreams to anyone except just once to my best friend. She took it to more spiritual side and said maybe it’s some evil following you but the fact that you never get caught is it means that evil can’t get to you. You are safe.

I don’t understand why do I have these dreams? Do other people have it too? The running thing? Or is it just me? I think it is somehow connected to my childhood. I don’t fully understand or understand it at all but I would like to know….I really want to know why I have these dreams. Is this even normal? Or am I going fucking crazy?

No More.

One day I will die and all that would be left of me would be an echo. With time even that would disappear.Some will hold few memories but even those would dissipate with time. And all that would be left of me in this world will be nothing but a name who once existed…but no more.

In response to Daily Prompt

Courage, Dear Heart.

Tonight…I don’t want to sleep. It’s just one of those nights. I just turned off the lights and all I want to do is write. It’s raining outside. The rhythmical thumping of the rain drops against the pavement , The sad calmness in the air….It’s oddly comforting yet stirring something deep inside that makes me ponder life. I just want to sit and stare into the darkness, as my eyes well up God knows why. A part of me wants to go to sleep while a part of me wants to stay awake to let my thoughts scream.

So I let them…

I let them splatter upon this paper. I let them cut me deep and leave me to wallow in my misery. I let them do whatever they want to me. That is how I let them hurt me. Or is it to heal me? It’s a very thin line so to speak.

It’s just one of those days…one of the many actually.

But it shall pass too. Until next one arrives to shake my soul, rattling me to my bones, inflicting wounds.

Courage, Dear Heart’, is what they say. So that is what…It shall do.
__________________________________

*Today is going to be a circle of one.

Running

Running
Bare feet
In scorching heat
Clutching a teddy bear
Crying…
Her feet against the hot pavement
Sun blaring above her head
She ran
Away…
Trying to find her way
Running…
Slid besides a gate
Her back to a cement pane
Crying…
For how long she doesn’t have a memory
Until someone found her
Took her by hand
Back to home
Begins the cycle again…

*In response to Today's Daily Prompt.

Smoldering

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” — Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

When was the last time that sentence accurately described your life?

I don’t know who wrote this poem, I read it somewhere I don’t remember, a while ago and loved it. I think it’s quiet fitting for an extreme tale so sharing this today as it describes a part of my life quiet accurately. I hope you’ll like it as much as I did.

Smoldering
One bridge remains
Unscathed
It awaits your return
I guard it closely
Watching memories
I wish to forget
Gathering
on the other side
The other bridges
Lay silent
Destroyed
as I move on
Putting distance
between Me
and my Past
Time is short
the Memories gather
Looking for a chance
to Wash over me
Drag me back
I want You with Me
but
I will go on alone
the last Bridge
Smoldering…

-Unknown