END OF AN ERA (Part 2: Pain, Forgiveness & Letting Go)

Coming to the harsh parts; I was heartbroken and crumbling under stresses. Wallowing in self-loathing, being unable to let go of the pain of betrayals and disappointments. In my head, I was pretending just fine. But apparently, this time I could not do a very good job.

I was sitting alone on the swing placed in far corner of the living room, lost in my thoughts. One of my cousin came and sat next to me and out of the blue asked me, “Z why are you so sad? What happened?”. I was shook by his sudden blunt question. I stared at him in shock. Initially I thought he was just messing with me, so I said, “No I am not. Why would you say that? Who told you?”

“Nobody.”

“Then how do “YOU” know?”.

“I just know.”

“How? Are you pulling my leg? Did somebody put you up to this?”

“No, why would I joke about this. I can see it on your face. Tell me. Why are you so sad. Who hurt you?”, he said looking me in the eyes.

I still could not believe him. Cuz I least expected it from him to see it. I kept gruelling him to the point of annoyance about who told him, how did he figure out or was he just reverse psychology’ing me to get the information out of me. He was adamant about my sadness being so obvious and considering the fact that we knew each other since diapers, he could totally see it.

“You’ve been hurt, right? This past year something has changed, right? What is it?” and I was dumbfounded, unable to tell him anything. “Z you have to talk about this. Have you talked to anybody? You can tell me. ”

Another cousin also said the same thing to me about looking stressed. He also kept asking me what’s wrong. Another family member also said, I look like I’m having anxiety. And quiet frankly I was. My grandmother passed away this year in April. She was a center-point for the whole family and her loss took a tremendous toll on everybody, including me. There were other things going on in my life (on a much serious and personal level) I had no control over whatsoever and I felt like free falling. Things were building fast and I felt crushed. I was like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode any minute under the weigh of it all and that is exactly what happened. My insecurities were falling over me like broken mountains and I was getting crushed under the weigh of it all. The high rise mountains took years to hold their ground- strong and firm, and when the earth beneath my feet crumbled, so did they. Shook to their core.

On my way back from another city after my Grandmother’s death, I was on the verge of emotional breakdown. Somethings happened before I left and that triggered the long kept emotions. I had not cried with my heart full in a while. And this time the dam was breaking while I was hanging by a thread. All through my long journey back I was holding back the tears. I knew once I cry I wont be able to stop for a long while. when my dad came to pick me up from the bus station, I sat in the car trying to keep my emotions in check. He asked me how my time there was and what did I do there etc. I kept quiet not answering the first few times he asked me this question cuz I knew the moment I open my mouth, words will spill and so will my tears. I barely cry in front of anybody even my parents. But this time, the flood of pain was too much for me to hold inside of me and I broke. I cried during the whole 45 min ride back home. And kept crying even after I reached. I said a lot of things to my dad that should not have been said. But at that point I did not care. Probably cux things needed to be said. And there was no way this could have been avoided.

There are moments of strength hidden within the most painful of experiences. There was this one last time of absolute shatter, absolute heart break, absolute pain. I sat with my back to the wall trying to catch my breath between sobs. I looked at my friend with swollen eyes, “What’s wrong with me?Why can’t I stop crying?” I asked her after unsuccessfully trying to stop my tears since past 3 hours. She looked down for few seconds thinking, looked up and replied with careful consideration; “Z you’re just immensely disappointed. You were lowkey expecting and you probably didn’t know.”

I laughed as tears uncontrollably started to roll down my cheeks again. “Wow. This is so ironic. Every single thing I did and said up until now, every single plan of action… was just to save myself from getting disappointed. yet here I am. Hurt to my very core.” I am glad I had a friend with me that day. The first time someone was physically there for me. I just could not stop crying. Every time I would try, tears would betray me. The pain crashing into my heart like ocean waves and I felt like I was drowning. I put my head in her lap and said through the sobs, “I feel like I let people use me…I let them.” I just could not get over the pain of what had just happened. Basically, me letting the same thing happen to myself over a hundred times.

That was the day I knew I had enough. Enough of being used. Enough of being treated like a recyclable trash. I finally did find the strength in me to take care of myself. As much painful and scarring as the whole time had been, I find peace in knowing that life is really fair and nothing goes unaccountable. Maybe some day I will find forgiveness in me, for my past and for my present. But I have not. Not yet. I’d be lying if I said I did. This is not a happy ending. But it is an ending at least. An ending I have to accept as it is.

If anybody knows me, they know I’m an overthinker. I overthink to the point of self-destruction. That is one thing I’ve been learning to deal with because it has made me nothing but miserable. I will not say I found the most healthy way out of this chronic overthinking cycle. But I found the only way I could. I shut myself out to every human interaction. I discovered the more I socialize and the more I talk to people, the more I tend to think over and over. So I keep a lot of emotional distance now. Anything to keep me from getting disappointed from people I cared the most about. And now it feels like I’ve managed to build this wall around me where I don’t allow anybody to see me emotionally vulnerable although many people confide in me for their emotional support. There are a lot of things that stress me out, that generally shouldn’t, because I cannot deal with stress anymore. Everything seems to spill out of my glass of patience because its already overflowing.

When I see my whole life spread out in front of me, and I see where I am right now? It’s a scary scary thought. I know one thing for sure that if this is how I continue to be, things are only gonna go downhill from here. I know things need to be changed and confronted on a much deeper level of understanding than I can understand alone. So for the first time, I’ve found the enough strength in me to seek some help. I am ready for the repercussions if it comes to that. But I am making an effort to save and change myself. I would be thankful if you send positive vibes my way for this new journey and help me understand & bid farewell to an era. Maybe I shall be back soon to pick up this baby of mine from where I left it off. But first I’m gonna try to take care of myself. This time for real. With actions. Because actions always prove why words mean nothing.

Advertisements

END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything coherent regarding my feelings and even longer since I have posted here on my blog. I’ve stopped writing for most part and when I would tell people about it all of them said one thing to me; Why? This is such a gift. To be able to put your feelings into words. Make your pain sound beautiful. So this is me trying. By the end of this two-part post I plan to achieve at least one thing; closure. Either a closure to this blog, or a closure to an era of my life. I guess we will see which one is it going to be by the end. 

The last 6 months of my university life were pretty eventful. This was the first time I was living away from home and independently, on my own. This was, for most part, one of the best period of my life. Not because it was all great but because, despite of so much drama and pain involved, I somehow emerged as a changed person finally. Not changed, as in fixed. But changed, as in stronger.

A childhood friend and I were standing on a rooftop holding sky lanterns in our hands, about to release it into the air. When she said, “wait hold on, We gotta wish for something before we do it.” so we both closed our eyes and wished. And there it went raising itself to the sky as soon as we let it go. It’s orange light seemed like hope against the black sky. We watched it fade into the night, becoming one with the stars. She turned towards me and asked, “so what did you wish for?” and I replied without a second hesitation, “To be happy”.

The one conflict most significant throughout this period was my struggle with the idea of ‘happiness’. My whole world revolved around the question ‘what is happiness’. I could not, for the life of me, understand it. Probably because it had been a long time since I had felt it. Probably because I could not comprehend why am I not happy despite of ‘seemingly’ having it all. With every single person I sat with, I used to ask them these questions, “what do you think happiness is?”, “what is happiness for you?” in desperate attempt to find some answers. I was a tangled mess. There was sadness and an obvious lack of happiness. But I lived for the moments. And these moments made me have the best time of my life.

I met so many different people, had so many amazing experiences along with some really bad ones but everything was worth it. My friend and I, once crashed some strangers wedding (we were invited but through friend of a friend and we knew nobody there except two other people). We all literally danced for 1 hour straight, ending up in a sweaty mess by the end of it. At one point even took our shoes off. Then we joined a train dance, with bride and groom on front. We danced our assess off, cuz 1)we knew nobody there and knew we were never gonna see them again either, so we went all in 2)It helped that some people on the dance floor were a bit tipsy so nobody cared what we were doing :D. It was a very memorable wedding for sure.

An extremely busy highway was once closed off due to some political protests. There was an overhead bridge which was empty as well cuz of that. Police was standing on either sides of the road monitoring. A friend and I sneaked on to the overhead bridge taking advantage of the darkness and sat in the middle of it in the shadows so nobody could spot us. We had a very deep conversation while sitting there looking over the deserted highway, scarce cars and mountains in the distance as night lights flickered. It was so beautiful, I could not stop just staring at the endless deserted highway in front of me from the top. We had to leave soon enough tho as police proceeded closer. It was quiet an adventure.

I will always remember roaming on the streets at night, eating out with almost no money in the pockets, catching an uber and just going to the first place that comes to mind. A friend took me to his (secret) favorite spot in the city. We sat on a specific corner and the whole city was widespread in front of me. It was hands down one of the best places I had been to. It was mostly quiet and very few people were roaming around as the night dawned in. It was cold winter night and we were freezing but the view was breathtaking. Breathtaking is an understatement. I could have spent an eternity there looking at the night lights; high rise distant building, cars speeding on the highways on three different sides, stadium lights flashing in the distance as the cold wind blew in my face. It felt like I was part of the night sky. The whole city looked to be immersed in million stars. The sadness in my heart acknowledging the beauty of those moments as well, while I sat on the wall trying to imprint the view into my eyes forever.

If there’s one thing I learned during this time period, it was how strong I can be. Especially two friends of mind, B and K, really helped me through it. They gave me strength when I thought I had none. It was only then I realized how insanely frail I used to ‘think’ I was. I struggled a lot with my self-worth, self-loathing and self-deterioration. There were days I was nothing but a flesh dripping with sadness unable to comprehend the person that I am. Thinking of myself as unworthy of love or care or affection. They both made me believe in myself. Of my worth. Of my ability to take decisions. I learned to see things through more positive perspective, how to take things easy and how to not give a fuck to every single person and situation in my life. I learned a lot about actions. We can apologize over and over but if our actions don’t change, the words become meaningless. You will come across so many people in your life who will claim to care for you and love you and be there for you, but there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions. Actions prove who someone actually is, words just prove who they want to be.

And just like that, Somewhere along the way, my struggle with the idea of ‘being happy’ blurred away. Perhaps I accepted the sadness as a part of me. Perhaps I accepted to be content with the moments in between. Perhaps I was happy but didn’t know I was. Perhaps I stopped looking for happiness cuz I knew the answers to my questions weren’t that easy. Perhaps I knew some day I will find it but not yet. Perhaps…

Next: Part 2 (Pain, Forgiveness and letting go)

Tell Me. 

How do you sleep with regrets tucked under your pillow?

With its heaviness holding your eyelids down not to sleep; but to punish with remorse.

How do you feel when affliction of your actions take hold of your throat one by one; choking you until you can’t breathe.

How do you feel, tell me how do you feel ? Can you sleep? Can you breathe? Do you have peace?

Do you feel your chest getting crushed under the weigh of it all? Your rib cage tightening, constricting your windpipe. Your heart caving in on itself. Do your lungs comply? Or have they betrayed you too like you betrayed me?

How does it feel, tell me how does it feel? Does your heart beats? And if it beats does it lunges in longing? Does it lunges enough to thump through your chest wall, break bones like you broke me?

Can you get out of bed? And if you can, do your legs carry you far enough to run from the carnage- blood and guts and slaying. Is your jar of hearts finally filled to the brim? Is it spilling? If not, do you need more still? How many more to satiate your thirst for hearts? Tell me.

Do you apologize? Tell me have you said sorry? And if you have, does it changes anything? Does it fix the slew of arteries you ripped apart and countless veins you left to bleed?

Do you feel guilt? And if you do, is it eating you alive the same way you swallowed me? Took my existence from me. Stole me from me. Do you even feel like a thief?

Or, do you hush the voices in your head every night,
Lay your remorses to rest along with the corpses of all those you have murdered,

and go peacefully to sleep?

Tell me.

Questions To Self. 

Will you still love me at 2 am when I’m crying so hard I can hardly breathe? Will you still love me at 3 am when I continue to do so? And at 4 am when my sobs have died down but tears still continue to run down my face? Will you love me still when I push you away not wanting to pull you down with me, with the heavy burden of my soul ? Will you love me still when I choose not to believe a word you say because I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you ? Will you still love me when I’m too broken to be picked up, when with every touch I protest and bleed more? When I’m too hard to handle and too fragile to move? Will you love me still? Will you?

Hurt Me 


He shoved her against the wall. Her back hitting the concrete with a loud thud. A painful breath escaped her lips as she felt the impact surge through her back and spine. It felt like her heart crashed against her chest wall and the only reason it didn’t leap out of the cavity was because her ribs didn’t let it. And it wasn’t just the physical impact of the shove that made her feel that way.

She fell to the ground in a trembling mess as he came running to pick her up.

Oh my God. Shit shit shit. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He babbled the words trying to lift her up. “I didn’t mean it.”

She didn’t have to see the bruises to know that they had already marked her shoulders as she whimpered in pain when he touched her.

Touch.

His touch.

A part of her despised it. But a part of her still warmed up to it. A part she needed to smother. Like the way his arms were smothering her as he took her in his embrace. The embrace that now felt more like gallows than home. His arms felt like thorns etching into her skin as she tried to recoil away from him but failed to do so.

I’m so so sorry.” He kept repeating the same words.

She couldn’t cry. The pain was searing through her body in violent frenzy, running through her veins and lungs looking for an escape somehow. Only to return back to her heart in vain. She didn’t say a word and he kept spitting some more meaningless apologies as they sat on the floor in air that reeked of heartbreak and hundred broken promises. And the only thing that was kind to them in those moments was night as it stood a silent witness to their downfall. There was nothing left between them but question marks about love, if there ever was. Even ‘nothing‘ felt like a lot more than what they two had left between them now.

(Daily post: Anticipation,  Maddening)

A Chaos Within

(Chaos: This week let’s embrace disorder and it’s creative power.)

There is this moment before the heartache. When you know it’s coming. It isn’t there yet. You don’t even know why you think it’s forthcoming but you feel it in your bones. Like your soul has felt it coming from miles away.

This moment before the pain is about to hit you and you know it will devastate you. It hasn’t arrived yet. But you know it will. And you know it will open the wounds again. The wounds of decade that took centuries to heal.

You prepare yourself beforehand. You are sure of its factuality. So there is this night, where you lay on bed and you don’t really know why your heart is sad. Neither do you know why you want to cry. But you do.

And then all of a sudden there is this moment of realisation that this is you mourning for what’s about to become of your heart. Which is already hanging through the gallows waiting for the final call to its execution. The strings are cut one by one with which it hangs firm and it slowly looses grip. And you know it’s about to fall. It hasn’t fallen yet. But you know it’s about to. You already know. And there isn’t one damn thing you can do about it. It’s inevitable.

It will come like a tide of the ocean that slowly builds. The more it gets closer the more ferocious it becomes, and you know you are going to fucking drown. You try to save breaths, prepping yourself for the impact. But you know no matter how well you’ve prepared yourself, the tide is going to come and it will break you. Like beads off a pearl necklace; You will spill. All the pieces of yourself that you put together one by one all this time will spill…just like that. Like they were never stringed together so tenuously to begin with. Like they had always been so haphazardly splattered across the floor.

Though none of that has happened yet. But you feel it coming and you know it will happen. So this night where you are trying to make sense of why you still can’t find peace? This is the calm within the storm. Where you know the storm will soon reach the core of you and you will be blown to smithereens.

And so, this is you; grieving.

A Quintessential Downfall

At first it was just one pill. Then it were two. And then it didn’t take long for two to turn into three, three into four and four into five. And soon she forgot the count of how many she took. She chewed on her bottom lip until it was raw and bleeding. She liked the pain. But then why was she trying so hard to escape it if she liked the pain as much as she claimed?

Her heart was a black hole she was slowly disintegrating into, disappearing into. Like getting lost into the oblivion of her own self. Her soul had parted from her body a long time ago. Maybe that is why it was so much easier to self destruct. To let herself fall of the edge. It wasn’t jumping off the edge that was hard.
It was the fall.
The infinite drop – a misery of its own.
The anticipation of the splat.
The sound of her shattering, crumbling, collapsing…
Reducing to rubble after imploding, exploding and smashing to smithereens.

What a demise
A dissolution of masterstroke,
A paragon unsolved,
A quintessence misunderstood,
A baffling downfall and a mystifying tale.
Finally, Coming to an end.

________________________________________________________________
Side note: I’ll be posting the next password protected post on coming Wednesday. For some reason it doesn’t appear in WordPress reader so you might have to visit my blog if you aren’t subscribed to my blog by email notification. I apologize for the inconvenience. For those of you who are new, if you wish to read the posts please leave your email address in the comment section below or contact me at mine. Thank you.

Night Feels Like My Funeral

snapseed1
(WPC: Frame )

Night feels like my funeral. The memories gather for my eulogy and I stare at the 6 ft deep grave into the darkness.

The night feels like my funeral. The somber atmosphere, the stillness in air, the moon hides behind clouds trying to disguise the sorrow it feels for me today.

The sky does not shine with stars, they quietly fade into the background. The sky sprawls above me, solemn. So does the earth beneath my feet, grievous. They both are quiet.

The wind too it seems, knows about my slow demise. It has ceased, to give me a moment of silence. The time seems to standstill. The only thing I can hear is the sound of my heart breaking. Tearing apart fiber by fiber. Crippling under the weight of my heavy chest. I feel it slowly disintegrate.

Disarmed. Slowly fading.

The night feels like my funeral. I hope to someday rest in peace.

Unlike these nights that only feel like my mourning.

________

(Side Note: I’m starting a series of password protected posts soon. If you wish to read please leave your email address down below in the comment or contact me at mine. I’ll send you the password which will remain the same for all the coming posts of the series. Thank you. )