Will you still love me at 2 am when I’m crying so hard I can hardly breathe? Will you still love me at 3 am when I continue to do so? And at 4 am when my sobs have died down but tears still continue to run down my face? Will you love me still when I push you away not wanting to pull you down with me, with the heavy burden of my soul ? Will you love me still when I choose not to believe a word you say because I’d rather hurt myself than hurt you ? Will you still love me when I’m too broken to be picked up, when with every touch I protest and bleed more? When I’m too hard to handle and too fragile to move? Will you love me still? Will you?
He shoved her against the wall. Her back hitting the concrete with a loud thud. A painful breath escaped her lips as she felt the impact surge through her back and spine. It felt like her heart crashed against her chest wall and the only reason it didn’t leap out of the cavity was because her ribs didn’t let it. And it wasn’t just the physical impact of the shove that made her feel that way.
She fell to the ground in a trembling mess as he came running to pick her up.
“Oh my God. Shit shit shit. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.” He babbled the words trying to lift her up. “I didn’t mean it.”
She didn’t have to see the bruises to know that they had already marked her shoulders as she whimpered in pain when he touched her.
A part of her despised it. But a part of her still warmed up to it. A part she needed to smother. Like the way his arms were smothering her as he took her in his embrace. The embrace that now felt more like gallows than home. His arms felt like thorns etching into her skin as she tried to recoil away from him but failed to do so.
“I’m so so sorry.” He kept repeating the same words.
She couldn’t cry. The pain was searing through her body in violent frenzy, running through her veins and lungs looking for an escape somehow. Only to return back to her heart in vain. She didn’t say a word and he kept spitting some more meaningless apologies as they sat on the floor in air that reeked of heartbreak and hundred broken promises. And the only thing that was kind to them in those moments was night as it stood a silent witness to their downfall. There was nothing left between them but question marks about love, if there ever was. Even ‘nothing‘ felt like a lot more than what they two had left between them now.
(Chaos: This week let’s embrace disorder and it’s creative power.)
There is this moment before the heartache. When you know it’s coming. It isn’t there yet. You don’t even know why you think it’s forthcoming but you feel it in your bones. Like your soul has felt it coming from miles away.
This moment before the pain is about to hit you and you know it will devastate you. It hasn’t arrived yet. But you know it will. And you know it will open the wounds again. The wounds of decade that took centuries to heal.
You prepare yourself beforehand. You are sure of its factuality. So there is this night, where you lay on bed and you don’t really know why your heart is sad. Neither do you know why you want to cry. But you do.
And then all of a sudden there is this moment of realisation that this is you mourning for what’s about to become of your heart. Which is already hanging through the gallows waiting for the final call to its execution. The strings are cut one by one with which it hangs firm and it slowly looses grip. And you know it’s about to fall. It hasn’t fallen yet. But you know it’s about to. You already know. And there isn’t one damn thing you can do about it. It’s inevitable.
It will come like a tide of the ocean that slowly builds. The more it gets closer the more ferocious it becomes, and you know you are going to fucking drown. You try to save breaths, prepping yourself for the impact. But you know no matter how well you’ve prepared yourself, the tide is going to come and it will break you. Like beads off a pearl necklace; You will spill. All the pieces of yourself that you put together one by one all this time will spill…just like that. Like they were never stringed together so tenuously to begin with. Like they had always been so haphazardly splattered across the floor.
Though none of that has happened yet. But you feel it coming and you know it will happen. So this night where you are trying to make sense of why you still can’t find peace? This is the calm within the storm. Where you know the storm will soon reach the core of you and you will be blown to smithereens.
And so, this is you; grieving.
At first it was just one pill. Then it were two. And then it didn’t take long for two to turn into three, three into four and four into five. And soon she forgot the count of how many she took. She chewed on her bottom lip until it was raw and bleeding. She liked the pain. But then why was she trying so hard to escape it if she liked the pain as much as she claimed?
Her heart was a black hole she was slowly disintegrating into, disappearing into. Like getting lost into the oblivion of her own self. Her soul had parted from her body a long time ago. Maybe that is why it was so much easier to self destruct. To let herself fall of the edge. It wasn’t jumping off the edge that was hard.
It was the fall.
The infinite drop – a misery of its own.
The anticipation of the splat.
The sound of her shattering, crumbling, collapsing…
Reducing to rubble after imploding, exploding and smashing to smithereens.
What a demise–
A dissolution of masterstroke,
A paragon unsolved,
A quintessence misunderstood,
A baffling downfall and a mystifying tale.
Finally, Coming to an end.
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(WPC: Frame )
Night feels like my funeral. The memories gather for my eulogy and I stare at the 6 ft deep grave into the darkness.
The night feels like my funeral. The somber atmosphere, the stillness in air, the moon hides behind clouds trying to disguise the sorrow it feels for me today.
The sky does not shine with stars, they quietly fade into the background. The sky sprawls above me, solemn. So does the earth beneath my feet, grievous. They both are quiet.
The wind too it seems, knows about my slow demise. It has ceased, to give me a moment of silence. The time seems to standstill. The only thing I can hear is the sound of my heart breaking. Tearing apart fiber by fiber. Crippling under the weight of my heavy chest. I feel it slowly disintegrate.
Disarmed. Slowly fading.
The night feels like my funeral. I hope to someday rest in peace.
Unlike these nights that only feel like my mourning.
(Side Note: I’m starting a series of password protected posts soon. If you wish to read please leave your email address down below in the comment or contact me at mine. I’ll send you the password which will remain the same for all the coming posts of the series. Thank you. )
1) I warn you not to fall in love with me. You can’t. You shouldn’t. Just don’t. I’m crumpled sheets, the ones you keep trying to smoothen the wrinkles off of but never manage to get them sleek. The ones that are always creased. The ones that keep slipping off the edge, the ones that never seem to perfectly fit.
2) Just don’t. Don’t fall in love with me. I’m that air which belongs to neither summer nor winter. I’m somewhere in between. The one that keeps fluctuating. That on some days is as warm and homely as a fireplace while on some is so cold it sends chills down your spine. The one that makes you wonder if ice is just as destructive as fire.
3) I urge you, Just don’t. Don’t fall In love with me. I’m like the moon that is nothing short of beautiful from afar. The one that you can’t help but admire from the shore. The one that fascinates you and even keeps you up at night at times. Until you see how ferociously it pulls the tide. How relentlessly and viciously it drives the ocean crazy. How it seems so thirsty to devour, hungry for madness. Then you run. Then like a scared little kid you stand on the shore as a spectator to its violent frenzy. As it rises and falls, as it crashes and quivers. As it breaks itself on collision with the rocks, shatters itself unaware of how it cuts the rocks sharp.
4) Just don’t. Don’t fall in love with me. I maybe tender to touch but my heart is nothing short of an amalgam of few too many calloused scars. I humbly request you not to fall in love with me because then I’ll fall in love with you too. And then there are only so many eclipses you can take before you decide I’m too much to bear. Because there is only so much darkness you can stand and the tiring downcast shadow of its existence you can handle before you decide to leave .
5) You will soon bid me adieu saying you can’t love me anymore and that I’m not who I seemed to be. So please. Just don’t, don’t fall in love with me.
Some of you might have noticed my absence and I just felt it’s been long enough for me to pop in and say hello to people I love. So it’s not that complicated. Or maybe it is. If I were to give one solid reason for the break, I wouldn’t be able to do so. I will not say I’ve been in a bad place all this time but it’s not been a good place either. I’m stuck somewhere in between and it’s such a foreign feeling. I’ve been to bad places before, it’s like I spent a lifetime there and I kinda got used to it and I’ve been at home with that feeling. But this is different. I cannot move forward, I cannot move backwards. Stuck. Static. Stagnant.
For the first time, I’m in an unprecedented territory and I cannot seem to figure it out. I know pain like the back of my hand. And I know it’s not that. Maybe a different version of it. Maybe a rendition of it I’ve not experienced before. I don’t know. I know nothing. I’m treading through it so lost and clueless. For the first time ever, I don’t have much to say since you can’t explain what you don’t understand. So I’ll just end it here.
I’ll try to keep up with blogs, not commenting or liking the posts but I’ll keep trying to catch up with you guys all this time.
So much love for you guys and gratitude in my heart ! ❤
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried. Truly tried to write how I feel. To put all the realizations into string of words. But have failed miserably at it every single time. So many times I’ve typed words and then watched them fall short to my sentiment. I don’t know what to say anymore, how to say it that would describe exactly how I feel. Maybe someday. Maybe someday I will be able to cram my feelings into words and put them onto paper for the world to see. Till then I will keep trying, I will write and then re-write, delete and then backspace. But I promise you I will try until the world knows how my raging heart crashes against my rib cage, how the storm in my brain collides into my skull, how the blood in my veins scrapes against my skin and flushes it with red.
I will write words, Smith them down. For love is infinite and so are they.