END OF AN ERA (Part 2: Pain, Forgiveness & Letting Go)

Coming to the harsh parts; I was heartbroken and crumbling under stresses. Wallowing in self-loathing, being unable to let go of the pain of betrayals and disappointments. In my head, I was pretending just fine. But apparently, this time I could not do a very good job.

I was sitting alone on the swing placed in far corner of the living room, lost in my thoughts. One of my cousin came and sat next to me and out of the blue asked me, “Z why are you so sad? What happened?”. I was shook by his sudden blunt question. I stared at him in shock. Initially I thought he was just messing with me, so I said, “No I am not. Why would you say that? Who told you?”

“Nobody.”

“Then how do “YOU” know?”.

“I just know.”

“How? Are you pulling my leg? Did somebody put you up to this?”

“No, why would I joke about this. I can see it on your face. Tell me. Why are you so sad. Who hurt you?”, he said looking me in the eyes.

I still could not believe him. Cuz I least expected it from him to see it. I kept gruelling him to the point of annoyance about who told him, how did he figure out or was he just reverse psychology’ing me to get the information out of me. He was adamant about my sadness being so obvious and considering the fact that we knew each other since diapers, he could totally see it.

“You’ve been hurt, right? This past year something has changed, right? What is it?” and I was dumbfounded, unable to tell him anything. “Z you have to talk about this. Have you talked to anybody? You can tell me. ”

Another cousin also said the same thing to me about looking stressed. He also kept asking me what’s wrong. Another family member also said, I look like I’m having anxiety. And quiet frankly I was. My grandmother passed away this year in April. She was a center-point for the whole family and her loss took a tremendous toll on everybody, including me. There were other things going on in my life (on a much serious and personal level) I had no control over whatsoever and I felt like free falling. Things were building fast and I felt crushed. I was like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode any minute under the weigh of it all and that is exactly what happened. My insecurities were falling over me like broken mountains and I was getting crushed under the weigh of it all. The high rise mountains took years to hold their ground- strong and firm, and when the earth beneath my feet crumbled, so did they. Shook to their core.

On my way back from another city after my Grandmother’s death, I was on the verge of emotional breakdown. Somethings happened before I left and that triggered the long kept emotions. I had not cried with my heart full in a while. And this time the dam was breaking while I was hanging by a thread. All through my long journey back I was holding back the tears. I knew once I cry I wont be able to stop for a long while. when my dad came to pick me up from the bus station, I sat in the car trying to keep my emotions in check. He asked me how my time there was and what did I do there etc. I kept quiet not answering the first few times he asked me this question cuz I knew the moment I open my mouth, words will spill and so will my tears. I barely cry in front of anybody even my parents. But this time, the flood of pain was too much for me to hold inside of me and I broke. I cried during the whole 45 min ride back home. And kept crying even after I reached. I said a lot of things to my dad that should not have been said. But at that point I did not care. Probably cux things needed to be said. And there was no way this could have been avoided.

There are moments of strength hidden within the most painful of experiences. There was this one last time of absolute shatter, absolute heart break, absolute pain. I sat with my back to the wall trying to catch my breath between sobs. I looked at my friend with swollen eyes, “What’s wrong with me?Why can’t I stop crying?” I asked her after unsuccessfully trying to stop my tears since past 3 hours. She looked down for few seconds thinking, looked up and replied with careful consideration; “Z you’re just immensely disappointed. You were lowkey expecting and you probably didn’t know.”

I laughed as tears uncontrollably started to roll down my cheeks again. “Wow. This is so ironic. Every single thing I did and said up until now, every single plan of action… was just to save myself from getting disappointed. yet here I am. Hurt to my very core.” I am glad I had a friend with me that day. The first time someone was physically there for me. I just could not stop crying. Every time I would try, tears would betray me. The pain crashing into my heart like ocean waves and I felt like I was drowning. I put my head in her lap and said through the sobs, “I feel like I let people use me…I let them.” I just could not get over the pain of what had just happened. Basically, me letting the same thing happen to myself over a hundred times.

That was the day I knew I had enough. Enough of being used. Enough of being treated like a recyclable trash. I finally did find the strength in me to take care of myself. As much painful and scarring as the whole time had been, I find peace in knowing that life is really fair and nothing goes unaccountable. Maybe some day I will find forgiveness in me, for my past and for my present. But I have not. Not yet. I’d be lying if I said I did. This is not a happy ending. But it is an ending at least. An ending I have to accept as it is.

If anybody knows me, they know I’m an overthinker. I overthink to the point of self-destruction. That is one thing I’ve been learning to deal with because it has made me nothing but miserable. I will not say I found the most healthy way out of this chronic overthinking cycle. But I found the only way I could. I shut myself out to every human interaction. I discovered the more I socialize and the more I talk to people, the more I tend to think over and over. So I keep a lot of emotional distance now. Anything to keep me from getting disappointed from people I cared the most about. And now it feels like I’ve managed to build this wall around me where I don’t allow anybody to see me emotionally vulnerable although many people confide in me for their emotional support. There are a lot of things that stress me out, that generally shouldn’t, because I cannot deal with stress anymore. Everything seems to spill out of my glass of patience because its already overflowing.

When I see my whole life spread out in front of me, and I see where I am right now? It’s a scary scary thought. I know one thing for sure that if this is how I continue to be, things are only gonna go downhill from here. I know things need to be changed and confronted on a much deeper level of understanding than I can understand alone. So for the first time, I’ve found the enough strength in me to seek some help. I am ready for the repercussions if it comes to that. But I am making an effort to save and change myself. I would be thankful if you send positive vibes my way for this new journey and help me understand & bid farewell to an era. Maybe I shall be back soon to pick up this baby of mine from where I left it off. But first I’m gonna try to take care of myself. This time for real. With actions. Because actions always prove why words mean nothing.

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7 thoughts on “END OF AN ERA (Part 2: Pain, Forgiveness & Letting Go)

  1. Akhiz says:

    Hi, first of all welcome back. Im happy that you are sorting things out and aiming in a positive direction. Been there, done that, still doin it. Expecting, giving, disappointment, building a wall around, you reach a point where you are just tired of being tired all time. So you get your ass up and do, change is never easy but it does make a positive impact in changing the state we want to get out off. And yes sharing and talking with some one helps. Wishing you best of luck and positive vibes for your journey in life ahead.

    Like

  2. katiemiafrederick says:

    One of the Hardest things one may
    Do is Seek Help particularly when
    Any Disorder of Our Feelings
    or Thoughts is
    Considered
    Highly
    Taboo to
    even exist..
    Meanwhile folks
    suffer in silence
    While Reality Sings
    A Song Without a Dance
    in other Words yes Action
    to Make Life Better.. Anyway
    Zee.. the Emotional and Sensory
    Life is SureLY an Art over Science but
    There are Those Versed Enough in the Art
    of Inner DaRk and LiGHT to Raise you up
    Higher
    But Still
    A Lifelong
    Art
    our
    Emotional
    And Sensory Lives
    Are still from first to last
    BLink of Life.. Good on you
    for seeking answers from those
    who may truly be able to help you
    on this Particular Path iN Life Journey wHere
    What You Change to Be NoW May Be A Greatest
    Life
    Saving
    Soul Grace oF aLL..
    to Truly Make the Flowers of
    Life Color For the Will of Your
    Love iN LifELiGHT TRuE NoW..:)

    Like

  3. nataliescarberry says:

    Ok, first of all I’m so glad you are seeking help. I reached that point in my late 30’s and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. My mentor helped me regain whole pieces of myself that were broken and shattering more and more day by day. She also helped me to see that so many things I thought were not good about me were in fact the very things I needed to move forward. At 75, I’m battling cancer something I thought would never happen to me especially this late in life. Zee, life is NEVER easy!!! Nothing is ever perfect! Including you and I! And we don’t have to be. I recently learned that I am fall into a category of Highly Sensitive People and I had spent most of my life trying to be brave and not show that side of me. But you know what that is who and what I am and so that’s what God intended me to be. If others have problems with it then they need to just stay away from me. I am who I am and I will make no more apologies to ANYONE about that, and I will cry any and every time I need to, I will be vulnerable and show that side of me every time it is surfaces, I feel things intensely and I will make no more excuses for it. NOBODY has the right nor will be allowed to define who and what I am. That’s my perogative and mine only. The only on I have to answer to us God Almighty and since I am made in His image, he knows me well and what’s more He created me to be this way for a reason. Sweet girl, you let far too many people have control and power over your life. Be who God made you to be unapologetically and learn to embrace all that you are, for it is so for holy and divine purposes. Anyone who can’t accept that and embrace who and what you unequivocally does not NEED nor DESERVE to be in your life. I wish you the best of luck on your journey. Just make sure you are running toward yourself and not away from yourself. Take the good days and enjoy the hell out of them when the come, and just ride out the bad days until they pass learning whatever lessons may lie within them. Your journey, love, is not an outward one, it is an inward one. So learn to listen to that still small voice of encouragement and guidance for it is the Voice of God Almighty. Tune out all negative human voices unless they are kindly ones awkwardly trying to help. Be kind to yourself, and let all your self talk be positive and encouraging. Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂 ❤

    Like

  4. trentpmcd says:

    Sending positive vibes 🙂 “’…I’ve found the enough strength in me to seek some help” Good. Few of us can make it on our own and sometimes we do have to admit that we need help. I’m glad you are seeking it. I do believe you have that strong side and don’t doubt that it will show up more in this new era. But be patient during the transition to that era….

    Liked by 1 person

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