Coming to the harsh parts; I was heartbroken and crumbling under stresses. Wallowing in self-loathing, being unable to let go of the pain of betrayals and disappointments. In my head, I was pretending just fine. But apparently, this time I could not do a very good job.
I was sitting alone on the swing placed in far corner of the living room, lost in my thoughts. One of my cousin came and sat next to me and out of the blue asked me, “Z why are you so sad? What happened?”. I was shook by his sudden blunt question. I stared at him in shock. Initially I thought he was just messing with me, so I said, “No I am not. Why would you say that? Who told you?”
“Then how do “YOU” know?”.
“I just know.”
“How? Are you pulling my leg? Did somebody put you up to this?”
“No, why would I joke about this. I can see it on your face. Tell me. Why are you so sad. Who hurt you?”, he said looking me in the eyes.
I still could not believe him. Cuz I least expected it from him to see it. I kept gruelling him to the point of annoyance about who told him, how did he figure out or was he just reverse psychology’ing me to get the information out of me. He was adamant about my sadness being so obvious and considering the fact that we knew each other since diapers, he could totally see it.
“You’ve been hurt, right? This past year something has changed, right? What is it?” and I was dumbfounded, unable to tell him anything. “Z you have to talk about this. Have you talked to anybody? You can tell me. ”
Another cousin also said the same thing to me about looking stressed. He also kept asking me what’s wrong. Another family member also said, I look like I’m having anxiety. And quiet frankly I was. My grandmother passed away this year in April. She was a center-point for the whole family and her loss took a tremendous toll on everybody, including me. There were other things going on in my life (on a much serious and personal level) I had no control over whatsoever and I felt like free falling. Things were building fast and I felt crushed. I was like a ticking time bomb waiting to explode any minute under the weigh of it all and that is exactly what happened. My insecurities were falling over me like broken mountains and I was getting crushed under the weigh of it all. The high rise mountains took years to hold their ground- strong and firm, and when the earth beneath my feet crumbled, so did they. Shook to their core.
On my way back from another city after my Grandmother’s death, I was on the verge of emotional breakdown. Somethings happened before I left and that triggered the long kept emotions. I had not cried with my heart full in a while. And this time the dam was breaking while I was hanging by a thread. All through my long journey back I was holding back the tears. I knew once I cry I wont be able to stop for a long while. when my dad came to pick me up from the bus station, I sat in the car trying to keep my emotions in check. He asked me how my time there was and what did I do there etc. I kept quiet not answering the first few times he asked me this question cuz I knew the moment I open my mouth, words will spill and so will my tears. I barely cry in front of anybody even my parents. But this time, the flood of pain was too much for me to hold inside of me and I broke. I cried during the whole 45 min ride back home. And kept crying even after I reached. I said a lot of things to my dad that should not have been said. But at that point I did not care. Probably cux things needed to be said. And there was no way this could have been avoided.
There are moments of strength hidden within the most painful of experiences. There was this one last time of absolute shatter, absolute heart break, absolute pain. I sat with my back to the wall trying to catch my breath between sobs. I looked at my friend with swollen eyes, “What’s wrong with me?Why can’t I stop crying?” I asked her after unsuccessfully trying to stop my tears since past 3 hours. She looked down for few seconds thinking, looked up and replied with careful consideration; “Z you’re just immensely disappointed. You were lowkey expecting and you probably didn’t know.”
I laughed as tears uncontrollably started to roll down my cheeks again. “Wow. This is so ironic. Every single thing I did and said up until now, every single plan of action… was just to save myself from getting disappointed. yet here I am. Hurt to my very core.” I am glad I had a friend with me that day. The first time someone was physically there for me. I just could not stop crying. Every time I would try, tears would betray me. The pain crashing into my heart like ocean waves and I felt like I was drowning. I put my head in her lap and said through the sobs, “I feel like I let people use me…I let them.” I just could not get over the pain of what had just happened. Basically, me letting the same thing happen to myself over a hundred times.
That was the day I knew I had enough. Enough of being used. Enough of being treated like a recyclable trash. I finally did find the strength in me to take care of myself. As much painful and scarring as the whole time had been, I find peace in knowing that life is really fair and nothing goes unaccountable. Maybe some day I will find forgiveness in me, for my past and for my present. But I have not. Not yet. I’d be lying if I said I did. This is not a happy ending. But it is an ending at least. An ending I have to accept as it is.
If anybody knows me, they know I’m an overthinker. I overthink to the point of self-destruction. That is one thing I’ve been learning to deal with because it has made me nothing but miserable. I will not say I found the most healthy way out of this chronic overthinking cycle. But I found the only way I could. I shut myself out to every human interaction. I discovered the more I socialize and the more I talk to people, the more I tend to think over and over. So I keep a lot of emotional distance now. Anything to keep me from getting disappointed from people I cared the most about. And now it feels like I’ve managed to build this wall around me where I don’t allow anybody to see me emotionally vulnerable although many people confide in me for their emotional support. There are a lot of things that stress me out, that generally shouldn’t, because I cannot deal with stress anymore. Everything seems to spill out of my glass of patience because its already overflowing.
When I see my whole life spread out in front of me, and I see where I am right now? It’s a scary scary thought. I know one thing for sure that if this is how I continue to be, things are only gonna go downhill from here. I know things need to be changed and confronted on a much deeper level of understanding than I can understand alone. So for the first time, I’ve found the enough strength in me to seek some help. I am ready for the repercussions if it comes to that. But I am making an effort to save and change myself. I would be thankful if you send positive vibes my way for this new journey and help me understand & bid farewell to an era. Maybe I shall be back soon to pick up this baby of mine from where I left it off. But first I’m gonna try to take care of myself. This time for real. With actions. Because actions always prove why words mean nothing.