END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

It’s been a long time since I have written anything coherent regarding my feelings and even longer since I have posted here on my blog. I’ve stopped writing for most part and when I would tell people about it all of them said one thing to me; Why? This is such a gift. To be able to put your feelings into words. Make your pain sound beautiful. So this is me trying. By the end of this two-part post I plan to achieve at least one thing; closure. Either a closure to this blog, or a closure to an era of my life. I guess we will see which one is it going to be by the end. 

The last 6 months of my university life were pretty eventful. This was the first time I was living away from home and independently, on my own. This was, for most part, one of the best period of my life. Not because it was all great but because, despite of so much drama and pain involved, I somehow emerged as a changed person finally. Not changed, as in fixed. But changed, as in stronger.

A childhood friend and I were standing on a rooftop holding sky lanterns in our hands, about to release it into the air. When she said, “wait hold on, We gotta wish for something before we do it.” so we both closed our eyes and wished. And there it went raising itself to the sky as soon as we let it go. It’s orange light seemed like hope against the black sky. We watched it fade into the night, becoming one with the stars. She turned towards me and asked, “so what did you wish for?” and I replied without a second hesitation, “To be happy”.

The one conflict most significant throughout this period was my struggle with the idea of ‘happiness’. My whole world revolved around the question ‘what is happiness’. I could not, for the life of me, understand it. Probably because it had been a long time since I had felt it. Probably because I could not comprehend why am I not happy despite of ‘seemingly’ having it all. With every single person I sat with, I used to ask them these questions, “what do you think happiness is?”, “what is happiness for you?” in desperate attempt to find some answers. I was a tangled mess. There was sadness and an obvious lack of happiness. But I lived for the moments. And these moments made me have the best time of my life.

I met so many different people, had so many amazing experiences along with some really bad ones but everything was worth it. My friend and I, once crashed some strangers wedding (we were invited but through friend of a friend and we knew nobody there except two other people). We all literally danced for 1 hour straight, ending up in a sweaty mess by the end of it. At one point even took our shoes off. Then we joined a train dance, with bride and groom on front. We danced our assess off, cuz 1)we knew nobody there and knew we were never gonna see them again either, so we went all in 2)It helped that some people on the dance floor were a bit tipsy so nobody cared what we were doing :D. It was a very memorable wedding for sure.

An extremely busy highway was once closed off due to some political protests. There was an overhead bridge which was empty as well cuz of that. Police was standing on either sides of the road monitoring. A friend and I sneaked on to the overhead bridge taking advantage of the darkness and sat in the middle of it in the shadows so nobody could spot us. We had a very deep conversation while sitting there looking over the deserted highway, scarce cars and mountains in the distance as night lights flickered. It was so beautiful, I could not stop just staring at the endless deserted highway in front of me from the top. We had to leave soon enough tho as police proceeded closer. It was quiet an adventure.

I will always remember roaming on the streets at night, eating out with almost no money in the pockets, catching an uber and just going to the first place that comes to mind. A friend took me to his (secret) favorite spot in the city. We sat on a specific corner and the whole city was widespread in front of me. It was hands down one of the best places I had been to. It was mostly quiet and very few people were roaming around as the night dawned in. It was cold winter night and we were freezing but the view was breathtaking. Breathtaking is an understatement. I could have spent an eternity there looking at the night lights; high rise distant building, cars speeding on the highways on three different sides, stadium lights flashing in the distance as the cold wind blew in my face. It felt like I was part of the night sky. The whole city looked to be immersed in million stars. The sadness in my heart acknowledging the beauty of those moments as well, while I sat on the wall trying to imprint the view into my eyes forever.

If there’s one thing I learned during this time period, it was how strong I can be. Especially two friends of mind, B and K, really helped me through it. They gave me strength when I thought I had none. It was only then I realized how insanely frail I used to ‘think’ I was. I struggled a lot with my self-worth, self-loathing and self-deterioration. There were days I was nothing but a flesh dripping with sadness unable to comprehend the person that I am. Thinking of myself as unworthy of love or care or affection. They both made me believe in myself. Of my worth. Of my ability to take decisions. I learned to see things through more positive perspective, how to take things easy and how to not give a fuck to every single person and situation in my life. I learned a lot about actions. We can apologize over and over but if our actions don’t change, the words become meaningless. You will come across so many people in your life who will claim to care for you and love you and be there for you, but there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions. Actions prove who someone actually is, words just prove who they want to be.

And just like that, Somewhere along the way, my struggle with the idea of ‘being happy’ blurred away. Perhaps I accepted the sadness as a part of me. Perhaps I accepted to be content with the moments in between. Perhaps I was happy but didn’t know I was. Perhaps I stopped looking for happiness cuz I knew the answers to my questions weren’t that easy. Perhaps I knew some day I will find it but not yet. Perhaps…

Next: Part 2 (Pain, Forgiveness and letting go)

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19 thoughts on “END OF AN ERA (Part 1: Conflicts & Lessons)

  1. trentpmcd says:

    Launching sky lanterns and watching them meld with the stars, “crashing” a wedding reception and dancing like a wild thing, going out late with friends and finding cheap things to do, even sneaking past the police – these are things you need to be doing at your age. It’s good to hear that you are doing them.

    I will not deny your sadness. I think you often go beyond sad into depression. I won’t deny that. Or that I have wished that you could find happiness. But often we think the wrong thing – it is the thrill of being alive that is often the opposite of sadness, not happiness. Sometimes if your goal is to be happy, that goal becomes almost impossible to achieve. Perhaps the goal should be to be alive, to kiss the sky to -live- your life instead of going through the motions of life.

    Often it is those small things, the whispered conversations with friends, the little bit of “danger”, the quiet spot that seems out of time, that’s surrounded by, well, everything – these are the times we are alive.

    Unfortunately being alive also means pain. You need to acknowledge the bad as well as the good.

    lol, OK, enough words for now. I often feel that I am one of those people you mention who use lots of words, but were is the action?

    Looking forward to reading Part 2.

    Like

  2. katiemiafrederick says:

    Hi Zee.. Nice to see you back online and writing and
    before i forget.. i Understand you Collaborated
    With Another Blogger to Write a Novel
    So Congratulations to you
    in Branching out and
    doing that too..
    And it’s
    Good to Hear that
    you and your Friend truly
    let it all go as Emotions do Flow
    through our Bodies out of HeadS iN Mechanical
    Cognition in a Dance FinAlly wHere tHere were/are
    no Worries for others to judge Your Free Style of Dance
    to EXPReSSinG
    what ‘normally’
    Society often doesn’t
    let us AdultS uNleash and reLease
    as most any Child will spin around
    Just for the Joy of Life with no reasons
    necessary at all.. nope.. no expectations.. no limits
    in Clothes of Culture and or Religion JusT FreeDNoW
    as we
    are
    born
    to be..
    And tHere
    Lies and Tales
    the Truth of the Issue iN LiGHT
    my friEnd for Either we are Freed
    NoW for Joy or we are not and to Truly
    Be Free requires the couRage to Be All of You
    With Nary a Worry of those who View Life Differently
    And that may be a hard
    thing to do
    for we are also
    Social Animals
    Who Follow Reams and
    Reams of Rules and Instructions
    And Schools to get through A LiFE we
    Are just sTill Evolved to Nurture each other
    For Basic Subsistence in a Hug of Life wheRe
    Love is the Greatest Shelter and the Tools of Life
    Are Secondary wHere we do not become Tools over Love..
    It’s
    True
    NoWJusT
    Dance but
    not just once
    if you can and will..
    And then Yes Hug Life
    not JusT A pArt of iT aLL oF iT as Art and then
    it’s Easy Enough to See God everywHeRe NoW
    And for all the naysayers of LiFE who insist that
    Happiness is just an illusion and not possible all the
    time (now) that JusT dePends on how much they Dance
    FReED mY FRiEnD NoW iN HeaVeN reAlly ReaL NoW
    And how
    many
    people
    They Dance with too iN HeaVeN
    NoW and of CourSE Dance is JusT
    A metaphor NoW2 for all that moves
    US connects us and co-creates us aLL
    iN A
    Joy
    Loves
    Company
    Over Misery Loves Company NoW iN
    one Way of Group Think and ANoTHeR
    Way of Group Dance.. And yes both may
    be done but only one is Done alone now
    allonenowone..
    Oh yeaH and not to forget Science it’s
    Worth noting as i’ve probably mentioned
    it already more than once that i am Diagnosed
    with Both Bi-Polar and Asperger’s Syndrome on
    the Autism Spectrum and the only Prescription i have
    from my Psychiatrist to effectively remedy all the Negative Symptoms
    is Dance.. yes Dance.. and No.. Doctor’s do not hand out Prescriptions
    for Dance without Empirical Studies that prove it works.. and it does as
    both agree as both of these Disorders at Core are issues of Emotional
    Regulation and Sensory Integration as Dance Remedies both issues..
    And That YeS.. i’ve
    done the
    So-called
    Impossible and
    cured my self in effect/affect
    aLWayS NoW iN Being Happy NoW
    without any negative symptoms aT
    all except for talking/sining too much and good
    thing about online is anyone can ignore me or turn me off.. hehe..
    but that is what enough Dance will do yes Write/Sing what is now a 6 Million Word
    Long Form Poem Bible (Prayer) and Public Dancing close to 9600 Miles too now
    in almost 59 Months and if you do go away soon from Blogging thanks so much
    again
    for all the
    Inspiration
    you bRing for
    helping with All
    these Milestones of Life for metoo..
    A Key is LoVinG JusT LoVinG aLL oF Life mY friEnd Yes Dance too..
    NoW As Then God is Happy ALLWiTHiN And All Goes Better NoW..:)

    Like

  3. Mabel Kwong says:

    It is so lovely to see you here again, Zee! It does sound like an eventful six months for you. Haha, that sounded like a fun wedding where you knew no one and went all out partying there. If no one was going to remember it, why not 😀 Again you come back with such meaningful words and thoughts. You are so right in that we can’t give a fuck about everyone, and ‘there will be very few and far in between who will prove it with their actions.’ The world does not always revolve around us individually, just as how not everyone will care or love us. But the few that do, they will find a way to stay and make it work with you. As for what is happiness, I am not too sure as well and have always been wondering what exactly it is. For me, I think happiness is having no expectations and being content with what you have, and do what you want to do. Those who will be there for you, will be there for you. Take care, Zee. Many hugs across the many miles 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Mabel !!!! How have you been? it’s always such a pleasure to hear from you ! I agree with your idea of happiness being content and having no expectations, but I also think it’s very hard not to expect. Having no expectations whatsoever would be great but it’s very hard to achieve 😦
      Though, if anything you summed it up really well….those who will be there for you, will be there for you no matter what !

      Consider your hugs received across many miles. Much love to you. I would love to hear your thoughts on the next part of this post as well ❤

      Like

      • Mabel Kwong says:

        Haha, it’s been a well, Zee. I am not too bad. You know, life is life and you experience it as it comes. You are right, it’s very hard not to expect especially when often we expect tomorrow to be a better day. I read your other post…and all I will say is take time to take care of yourself. Well being is so important ❤

        Like

  4. Divorce With Me says:

    Welcome back, lovely! Sounds like quite a few years of growth… it surprises me to hear that a young lady with your level of talent and positive energy struggles/ed with so many negative self thoughts. I hope you continue to see yourself the way your loved ones do. You are pretty tough on yourself.

    As for happiness, funny how that works… it’s not a constant. I don’t believe anyone is constantly in a state of happiness. I think it’s just an overall think. Are you generally happy with life or yourself, are you grounded, are you generally surrounded by things that are uplifting, do you like the direction you’re heading in, etc, etc.? These are the things I ask myself. If there’s a no or some stressor, then I know what I need to work on.
    Anyhow, you seem to be very self aware so I think what you’re also saying is that these setbacks have taught you that it just makes you stronger and more relatable and real. I tend to think that the best people to know are the ones that carry scars: the invisible and visible kinds. xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Heyyy, thank you so much ! I’m glad to finally have poured my heart on the paper partly (considering the next post is yet to be posted today) and even more happier to hear from you all. I think insecurities is something we all struggle with, but some insecurities are nourished by the bad experiences we have. It’s hard to forget and let go of such things. I agree with what you said about happiness not being a constant state and you gotta constantly question yourself and your surroundings. Thank you for understanding my feelings. Hope life’s been treating you well?! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. nataliescarberry says:

    Oh my gosh I was just thinking about you today and wondering how you were. So glad to here from you. Zee, happiness is NOT a constant in life. There are those who would have you believe it is but it is not. Life is full of all our perceivable emotions and in its in the sad and unhappy time we grow the most. And if we are to help anyone and/or be of service to others, we have to learn what it’s like to be where they have been. So embrace ALL that you are and feel, God will use it for His good and for the benefit of others. Love and hugs, N 🙂 ❤ xoxoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    • Divorce With Me says:

      I’m now reading comments and I realize that I also said the same thing about happiness! You made an excellent point that there are people who would try to make you believe it (I think of social media!) but it’s a mind trap. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Hiiii there Natalie!!! You thought of me and here i am ! I totally get what you’re saying. I think it’s hard to accept that life cannot be made of all the happy moments all the time. sometimes we miss the good moments right in front of us while looking for happiness somewhere else. And I completely agree that this growth makes one more empathetic to somebody else’s pain. I would love to hear wisdom from you on my the next part of this post as well. Your words are a treasure ! Love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  6. prior.. says:

    Hi Z – it always puzzles me as to how various people experience emotions and perceptions… expectations – and many variances in affect.
    It sounds like you have triumphed much as your self-awareness keeps getting honed (which is such a gift to be able to do)
    and for me – my faith is a huge source of joy – sometimes I just feel this peace and joy inside and I know it is God’s presence and indwelling presence..
    anyhow,
    sending a smile your way

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      So happy to hear from you after such a long while, Y! I completely agree with you. Faith is a very important part of my life as well. Although it never remains the same, it hits the highs and lows like the tide, but nevertheless it’s something that does guide the way I live my life.Hope you will be reading the second and last part of this post ❤
      Sending love and joy back at you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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