I’m not dead.
Yes you heard that right. This is the real Zee speaking, in flesh and bone. I know I’ve been super MIA, complete radio-silence but that was need of the time. By now you all must be like “yeah yeah we’ve heard it all before.” I know I keep disappearing. Can I be forgiven?

Please accept my apology
I’m not a efficient multi-tasker. I’ve a hard time focusing on more than few things at once. And I lose focus real soon. So it’s a neccissity I prioritize the most important tasks in hand which is my studies especially cuz it’s my last year (yes I’ll be graduating soon, all grown up and shit) and I really really needed to take care of myself (the success of which is debatable but you win some you lose some).
And in the meantime I have been left with some questionable choices. It isn’t that I regret certain things happening but I regret them happening in infinite loops, over and over again. I was naive enough to never take off my rose tinted glasses and see people for who they really were, to see reality for what it was. At this point I cannot say that I’m okay with the choices I made because I’m not. I want to call them mistakes but a mistake stops being a mistake if you keep making it, it becomes a choice sadly. And I wish I had made better choices. My failure to see reality pushed me deeper into this illusion that people can change. The fantasy in my head drove me into a constant cycle of hurt and pain. The bottom line is; If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
At some instances I feel like nothing but a fool trusting some people and never questioning their sincerity with me, not even for a fleeting moment. It is quiet handy to be skeptical at times especially when it comes to issues of trust, a lesson I learned a little too late. But oh well, nobody said life was all rainbows and roses. Sometimes you have to swallow the bitter pill no matter how hard it is to get past your throat to cleanse the toxicity eating you alive from the inside.
As for personal health, as much as I wanted to improve it during this break, it only went downhill. It had a lot to do with my beyond hectic routine of traveling and not getting enough sleep and a little too much stress. I don’t know which was greater the mental strain or the physical one. For starters I lost 12lbs during the course of 3 weeks last month. Which was very alarming because as much as it is hard to believe, my weight has been absolute constant since 8th grade, which is like since past 10 years. Nothing made it increase or decrease. It only fluctuated 1 or 2lbs give or take, no matter what. But this drastic loss really set me back considering I was actually trying to gain weight. I didn’t even notice I had lost this much weight until I got so weak that I couldn’t even sit straight without support to my back and people started asking me if I was sick cuz I looked too frail and weak. Then it occurred to me to check my weight and there it was, 12lbs down. So I’m gonna try to gain weight during this semester break. Keeping my fingers crossed ! And don’t even get me started on my bad skin, UGH.
As for my writing journey, I have stopped writing for most part. At least I don’t write the same way I used to or as frequently. So I will probably not be posting a lot but I will remain active here. Catching up with ya’all nevertheless. I will however be posting on my blog’s official instagram account on the daily basis. So if you aren’t already following me on my account, please join me! We shall have a good time ( and there will be free marshmallows and a chocolate fountain waiting as a token of my appreciation so cmon cmon grab yourself a party hat and join in xD)
Here’s the link— https://www.instagram.com/lifeconfusions_zee/
That’s pretty much it from my side now, so Enough about me. TELL ME HOW YOU ALL ARE? Let’s have a chat in the comment section below. I wanna know how life’s been treating you?
Hey girl, Im still MIA for more than an year now. But miss the crowd here. No time nowadays being a new mom for nine month old. 🙂 Hope you get through this with flying colours. Take care. Saya
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Heyyyy Saya !! Congratulations!! I’m so happy for you. This is incredible.
Thank you so much for dropping by, come back whenever you are ready. Much love and warm hugs for your little munchkin 🤗♥️
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Just take care of your health – physical, mental and emotional. Your words have given strength to so many of us, it is only fair you took time off to breath. I see your poems have been gaining a lot of attention on Instagram and I am so happy.
Good luck and I hope to see you pop up in my reader 🙂
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Hey Prajakta,
Thanks a lot for your support. And yes Instagram feature was nothing short of an unbelievable surprise. Hoping to see you around too. Wishing you best of luck with your hand healing and writing 🙂
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I feel sometimes it’s good to “rant” on here because there is so much support… definitely makes me feel better.
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Yes absolutely. This is one of the best things about WordPress community. Gives you somewhere to lean on when everything and everyone else fails 🙂
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true
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Nice to read your post.
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Thanks !
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If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I have recently experienced how pathetic it feels when your trust is shattered and you feel like a fool for trusting someone just blindly . It’s okay Zee. Learn from your mistakes and bounce back stronger. Lots of love !!
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Aw I’m sorry Himali you had the same experience. I know how hard it can be to get over such situations and how damaging it can be. Thank you for your support, and I wish the same for you! Lots of love and hugs back at you ♥️😘
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I’m so glad to read your words again (I’ve missed them!) and I’ll definitely follow you on Instagram too I made a new account a little while ago @wordsbygemm (so you know its me!). I’ve definitely been the girl with rose tinted glasses on too, choosing to believe a person was who I wanted then to be rather than who they actually were but I’ve always been a bit of an idealist. As for your personal health, I’m sorry to hear that it has gone down hill and I hope that things start to improve soon. I haven’t posted on my site in about 3 months, I had a lot of deadlines coming up and I’d also not been feeling in the blogging mood. I’ve ended up making a brand new site wordsbygemm.com , I haven’t posted anything on it yet though. My life’s been pretty chilled lately, spending time with friends and family, writing/planning for my new site and working. I have some pretty big changes coming in September though and I’m a little anxious about that. 🙂
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Heyyyy Jimi !! I’m so so happy to hear from you. I followed you back on Instagram, I can see it’s going in a fantastic direction 😉
I feel like the idealist part of me has died a little. Or maybe completely. I can’t be sure what lies underneath the rubble because I’ve not been courageous enough to sift through it yet. I’m barely handling myself.
And I can totally understand taking break from blogging cuz you are just not in the mood, but I’m glad to hear you are starting again on the new site! I tried to visit your blog but found out it had been made private. Good luck with your new site ! and whatever changes you are about to face, I believe it’s going to be for good. Stay strong and believe ! Much love to you. Can’t wait to see you more ♥️
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Thanks Zee!
Aww, remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. You don’t have to sift through it all till you’re ready.
Thanks, I’m super excited about the new site! Yeah, the changes are definitely for the better.
Much love to you too 🙂
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Ah yes, I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I can get overwhelmed very easily.
Wishing you all the luck for your future endeavours ❤️
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welcome back, zen. stress is good, but too much stress is not. i’m glad you have decided to set up your priorities. we love you and wish you the very best that this life can give. if you can post at least once a month, that will be good.
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Thank you so very much Plaridel ! I appreciate your support, it’s such a relief to know that all my friends here are so helping and understanding ! Can’t wait to read more from you and see you around more often ☺️😇
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Hi, Zee, it really feels good to see you back. Studies must be of prime importance at this stage of life and you’re doing the right thing. But, losing 12lbs in three weeks doesn’t sound good to me. Take care of your health, dear. I always love reading your words which flow so spontaneously… ❤ Hope you'll be regular now on… 🙂
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Heyyy Maniparna!! Sooo happy to see you drop by. Thank you dear for your kind words and support ! I’m trying to get back in shape, keeping my fingers crossed☺️
It makes me really excited to know that friends here will be reading my work ! Can’t wait to see you around ♥️
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Keep writing… 🙂
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Forgiven. I love that teary outfit. 🙂
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Aw thank you 😋😋
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Glad to hear from you little devil, wait a second, how come we not know you are dead, the devil took your image and we are really talking with the devill……
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Well….there’s no way to really knowwwww 😏 This could be devil in disguise… 😈
How have you been Mr. Charly?😃
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I’ve been…. how have you been?
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Haha. Well I’ve been…. too 😜
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So we both been…. that’s good.
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I guess it is… 🙂
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love ya
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Set yourself free. Forgive yourself. Forgive them.
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That’s the plan! I hope I see the light 🙂
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Welcome back, Zee. I just followed you on Instagram. Stay positive and stay strong. xx
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Hey thank you so much for your well wishes !! ☺️Can you please tell me what’s your Instagram name? So I can follow you back 🙂
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You’re welcome. My IG name is @adoma.adei. You’re following me now
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Oh yay ! Perfect ☺️☺️
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Sorry to hear about your struggles, Zee, as you seem like a fun and caring person. And life is much, much harder when you’re undernourished. I hope your health and everything improves!
P.S. I will follow you on Instagram, but my Instagram page is in a sad state! I’m not much good at multi-tasking either, and it’s usually my Instagram page that gets sacrificed to make more time for other pursuits.
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Oh thank you so much Josh. I’m trying to take care of myself, hope I succeed !
And I can totally understand, even my own Instagram account was in a rut since an year. But I have some free time on hand now so decided to kick start my page again! Hoping to see you around whenever you are free 🙂
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I am so happy to hear that you are coming back around, a bit in the blog world and also on Instagram! It sounds like life has been very busy with studies and also with the people around you. Always have faith you will pull through and sounds like you are very close to graduation. You know what…I graduated a long time ago but I still don’t feel grown up lol…maybe you are more mature and level-headed than me, Zee 🙂 Maybe you really are stressed and the stress is eating away at you physically 😦 But you know, sometimes the body changes for the better and adapts to circumstances in a good way, just natural changes.
It is lovely to see you sharing words again on Instagram, though you may not be writing much. Anything that you share, be it your writing or quotes, they are always so meaningful. Like you, these days I have not been writing as much. Still blogging but as for writing my book, I have stopped that. Too busy with work and life. Then again, lately I’ve sort of felt the inspiration to write…so maybe I will start writing my book again at some point 🙂 Take care, Zee. Hope to see you around more ❤
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Awww first of all thank you for this lovely note Mabel. It was such a pleasure to hear from you on my blog ! Yes I guess it was the stress eating away at my body but then it pushed me to make positive changes in my life such as exercise and eating well and just simply focusing on myself ! And we’ll graduation is definitely not the end of it, it’s actually the beginning of things. So don’t worry if you don’t feel grown up, I think I wouldn’t either lol
I can totally understand being out of inspiration cuz I had stopped working on my book as well during that time. But I’m glad to hear you are feeling the power of inspiration back into your life so good luck with your book 😉 I’m sure whenever you start writing again it will be nothing short of magic ♥️
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No worries, Zee. I really was just so happy to see you back on IG and then on the blog 🙂 I’m sure it will be an exciting road ahead of you as you get into your profession and get time to be creative again. As usual, your words hit the spot, emotions and heart…such a natural at all things creative ❤
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Aww thank you so much Mabel ! Your words of appreciation always touch me and motivate me. It literally excites me to post new things, hehehe ♥️♥️
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I’m so glad you are still alive. Sometimes we have to take those solitary journeys back to wholeness or at least a functional state of being. Do take care of yourself, believe in yourself, and never ever let others make you feel worthless!!! Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂 ❤
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Thank you Natalie, I really needed to hear that last line of not letting anyone make me feel worthless. I’m so happy to hear from you! ♥️ You are like sunshine! ☀️🌻
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Hi Zee.. Welcome back.. Look at the positives in life.. Many a times we need to flush out our rose tinted glasses… Its difficult but once you do that life becomes a bit more easy.. Don’t worry you survived it, our mental and physical health should always be of utmost importance… You might have felt bad now but it will save you more headache and heartache in future… Having said that, believe in yourself and your support system. We know who our well wishers are and be happy with them.. So believe in them instead of focusing on negatives and life becomes beautiful again… Plus we all are here for you…
Please take care of your health.. No one but you can do that.. Hope you feel better soon…
Sending all positive thoughts to you…
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Heyyy Lochan!!🌺
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate the lovely friends like you here who really motivate me and keep me going. Everything you said is so true. At the end of the day it is about how you survived and then you are left to heal the battle wounds. It’s all about the support system, and sometimes the support system is you, yourself.
Again, I’m so thankful for your positive vibes ♥️😇
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Hello.. Zee.. nice to see you…
sTiLL DanCinG and SinGinG
on line with Ellipses for
me.. hehe..
Facebook
tested me
to see if i was
real today.. haha…
so far out of the norm..
i look like a spam bot to the
other Algorithm not designed
to see and read and hear
Original Human
Creativity
and
verily
that makes
me sMiLe.. hehex2..
for it proves i don’t
have to worry about
copyrights or selling
or owning anything in life
of one that is free with no
debt of living life that
same way my
FriEnd and
Oh Lord.. all the years
as slave to school for 19
and work for 33.. 42 ‘years’ then never
(8 of those years work/school co-morbid)
finding anything close to A Greater Fuller Better
Holy and Sacred Meaning and Purposes NoW
of LiFE within out of data download and problem
solving mind.. sure.. i feel for you in the start of
what i already ended and will never go back
in this life to as a prisoner of any systemizing
way of think.. ah.. but to get along
with the Robots of life
that is an
art
my
friend
to escape
a Matrix of Purgatory
and Hell on Earth.. oh yeah..
just finished A longest long form
poem in the history of Human kind
at 1.84 million words that grows on in
a Nether Land Never ending story
no limits
oR expectations..
all free NoW iN pure love
without restraint.. other than
that i can and will only wish and
pray and hope that one day you too
will successfully escape..
to
the
other
place
of your
will and choosing..
aS TruTH anD LiGht
YoU feeL and Sense more than kNow..:)
When i worked and went to school creativity
was almost no part of my life for 40 years..
surely a desert to wander in without
iSreal truth and light of heart
and spirit of heart
as mind
and body
balancing soul then..
i checked out a book in
college on how to do creativity
but never had the focus to read
it at about your age.. my friEnd..
life is a long road until one finds
A Heaven within.. then there
is no time at all
as science
shows
it doesn’t
exist any where
else but an illusion
that too many folks create
as mind and body in that other place..
true.. hard not to do when plugged so deep..:)
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Ah yes, the education systems doesn’t do much to explore one’s creativity. And mostly quantity is preferred over quality sadly. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Hope you have been doing great and enjoying life to the fullest like you always do.
Sending good vibes your way ^_^
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EdGinG
DArk
LiGHT
NeveR A
Dry BRusH
PAinTS NoW
SMiLes aGaiN Zee.. mY Mother Survived
Breast Cancer that eventually spread to
her Bones and Brain.. undiagnosed for
five years.. smiling until.. almost the
very end.. this year on Valentine’s
Day.. with no more
occasional pain
relief
than
A Bayer Aspirin..
thE Lessons of the
JOB of LiFe sMiLe
through it all until
the last wink
as ResT…
WiLL and Strength mY
FriEnd oF A heART’s Love as Grace
that gives more and rarely takes less…
SMiLeS end beGin iT
aLL A CHocoLate LiGHT
Bar unTo A sELfiE
oF LoVENoW..
And thanks to you
for hELpinG me Paint..
A ChocoLaTE BaR oF LiGHTLiFE..:)
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Oh I’m sorry to hear about your mother. She seemed like a free spirit full of light just like you 🙂 Stay strong !
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Thanks and
Yes..!..:)
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Welcome back my friend. It’s good to see you. Keep on blogging.
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Hey Tony,
Thank you very much ! Cant wait to get back into blogging full swing ☺️
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Great to see you back! Because if you weren’t back, I couldn’t scold you 😉 Take care of yourself – you’re the only you that you have. Hmmm. Did that come out right? Take care of yourself, and if you need to skip blogging and such to study, study! Which you were, so that’s fine. I hope writing is just a temporary set back while you finish your studies and concentrate on health. I think you are a great writer and have really improved over the years that I’ve followed your blog.
And people. yes, that is a big part of life, learning about people. We never know all there is to know about people and about ourselves – it is a lifelong process and we all make errors in judgement. It hurts, but we brush ourselves off and move on. Anyway, as others have said, don’t be harsh on yourself.
Anyway,it is always great to see a new “Life Confusions” post! Welcome back!
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Heyyy Trent!♥️ Thank you for the constant buck up regarding my writing skills, you have really helped me improve and believe in myself ! And also for being so understanding 🌺☺️
And I wish it was easy to brush it off and just move on, I’m trying but …😔
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Yeah, I know, it isn’t easy. I think you are someone who feels very deeply, and the deeper you feel, the more involved you are in other people and the more difficult it is, 😦
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Exactly, you get the gist Trent! 😔
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Wow, Zee… looks like you wee working through the wall of issues in a crash course. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I am a lot older than you and I too got tricked by people I thought I could trust… people who pretend to be someone they are not but you only find out when they need to stand tall for their words and promises. Happens to all of us but it should not keep us from trusting in general. It is them… not you!
I am sure your health will approve again. It appears as if you hit rock bottom and now you are slowly rising like a phoenix. I am happy to have you here again 😊😗💖
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Erika !!!!♥️♥️ first of all I’m so happy to see you. Your words of wisdom have always been precious to me. So thank you🌺
I try not to be hard on myself but some days I lose the battle. And those are the days of utter self loathing and regrets but on other days I pick myself up and try to be as strong as I can be.
And like you said it looks like I have hit rock bottom, but every single time I think I have, there’s another bottom to discover😂 but that’s okay. I’m so used to it now and rising back up again😄
Thank you for your supportive words and kind wishes! I can’t wait to have daily dose of inspirations on your blog😇♥️
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My sweet Zee!! Sometimes you think you reach the limit of the bearable when even more challenges happen. It is unbelievable how much comes together sometimes. And mostly the problem is not the others who might have caused the turmoil within us but we ourselves when we are keeping up stirring in that dark mud soup because we cannot forgive ourselves for being fooled. At one point we notice what we are doing and we pour that soup into the toilet, stand up, dust us off, and move on with our head towards the sun. You are at that point and whatever brought you here made you stronger than you have ever been.
My dearest Zee, never forget that you are highly appreciated and I am looking forward to sharing all our inspiration with each other again 💖💖
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I guess you are right. Forgiving yourself is really the first step to moving forward. And that I’m trying to get a hang of. I hope soon I’m successful but right now it’s a constant struggle. Your words have really helped me understand, so thank you♥️
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It will all work out. I know it is difficult but be patient with yourself. Start with the decision to enjoy your life and don’t give anyone permission control how you want to feel! The ones who appreciate you will support you in it and the others…. don’t matter! It is your life!! 💖
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Yessss, feels like patience is the key at the moment. And I have to make some active choices. Thanks Erika for your positive vibes !!🌺🌺
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Awesome, Zee… and you inspired me for a Monday post. I already wrote a draft. It will be up on August 7. You’ll receive a ping back 😊
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Woohoo!! Can’t wait to read what I’ve inspired 😉♥️
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😁😁 💖
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I am alive too. Good to see this piece, you seem to be looking at life’s positives – which is good!
Hope health gets better for you – that’s the most important aspect.
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Hey Alok !
Yes I’m trying to stay as positive as possible in given terms of conditions. Thank you so much for your kind words. Hope you have been well 😇
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Yes, all good here.
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Glad to hear 🙂
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It is WONDERFUL to see you again, Zee! Yes, the pain of hoping that someone will be someone you wish them to be, and not someone that they are, is painful. Paul Simon once wrote “Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest”. It’s part of life, though. We all want something perfect, yet nothing perfect really exists. But, take solace in the fact that this is part of the human condition and we all experience it.
So, welcome back, my disco dancing friend! I hope that I get to read a lot more of you in the days and weeks ahead.
xo
Rob
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Hiiii Rob !!!🌺 My disco dance partner! 🕺🏻 you put it so wonderfully well. Sometimes we see a version of people that we wish they are. Rather than the seeing them for what they really are. But like you said it’s a part of learning and experiences. Although I don’t really know how to fix a lot of things but I guess baby steps is the way to go? And I love that quote you shared! ☺️
Thank you so much for the support Rob! I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you here ♥️ can’t wait to read your part of the stories as well, I hope your pub has been hustling bustling while I was away😉💞
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It was moving along, Zee. But, as you know, there is always an open seat for you at the pub. ❤
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Woohoo I’m so glad to hear that. I will be popping by soon, save me a drink 😉
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