I Am Alive

tenor
I’m not dead.

Yes you heard that right. This is the real Zee speaking, in flesh and bone. I know I’ve been super MIA, complete radio-silence but that was need of the time. By now you all must be like “yeah yeah we’ve heard it all before.” I know I keep disappearing. Can I be forgiven?

tears

Please accept my apology

I’m not a efficient multi-tasker. I’ve a hard time focusing on more than few things at once. And I lose focus real soon. So it’s a neccissity I prioritize the most important tasks in hand which is my studies especially cuz it’s my last year (yes I’ll be graduating soon, all grown up and shit) and I really really needed to take care of myself (the success of which is debatable but you win some you lose some).

And in the meantime I have been left with some questionable choices. It isn’t that I regret certain things happening but I regret them happening in infinite loops, over and over again. I was naive enough to never take off my rose tinted glasses and see people for who they really were, to see reality for what it was. At this point I cannot say that I’m okay with the choices I made because I’m not. I want to call them mistakes but a mistake stops being a mistake if you keep making it, it becomes a choice sadly. And I wish I had made better choices. My failure to see reality pushed me deeper into this illusion that people can change. The fantasy in my head drove me into a constant cycle of hurt and pain. The bottom line is; If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

At some instances I feel like nothing but a fool trusting some people and never questioning their sincerity with me, not even for a fleeting moment. It is quiet handy to be skeptical at times especially when it comes to issues of trust, a lesson I learned a little too late. But oh well, nobody said life was all rainbows and roses. Sometimes you have to swallow the bitter pill no matter how hard it is to get past your throat to cleanse the toxicity eating you alive from the inside.

As for personal health, as much as I wanted to improve it during this break, it only went downhill. It had a lot to do with my beyond hectic routine of traveling and not getting enough sleep and a little too much stress. I don’t know which was greater the mental strain or the physical one. For starters I lost 12lbs during the course of 3 weeks last month. Which was very alarming because as much as it is hard to believe, my weight has been absolute constant since 8th grade, which is like since past 10 years. Nothing made it increase or decrease. It only fluctuated 1 or 2lbs give or take, no matter what. But this drastic loss really set me back considering I was actually trying to gain weight. I didn’t even notice I had lost this much weight until I got so weak that I couldn’t even sit straight without support to my back and people started asking me if I was sick cuz I looked too frail and weak. Then it occurred to me to check my weight and there it was, 12lbs down. So I’m gonna try to gain weight during this semester break. Keeping my fingers crossed ! And don’t even get me started on my bad skin, UGH.

As for my writing journey, I have stopped writing for most part. At least I don’t write the same way I used to or as frequently. So I will probably not be posting a lot but I will remain active here. Catching up with ya’all nevertheless. I will however be posting on my blog’s official instagram account on the daily basis. So if you aren’t already following me on my account, please join me! We shall have a good time ( and there will be free marshmallows and a chocolate fountain waiting as a token of my appreciation so cmon cmon grab yourself a party hat and join in xD)

Here’s the link— https://www.instagram.com/lifeconfusions_zee/

That’s pretty much it from my side now, so Enough about me. TELL ME HOW YOU ALL ARE? Let’s have a chat in the comment section below. I wanna know how life’s been treating you?

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76 thoughts on “I Am Alive

  1. Saya says:

    Hey girl, Im still MIA for more than an year now. But miss the crowd here. No time nowadays being a new mom for nine month old. 🙂 Hope you get through this with flying colours. Take care. Saya

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Heyyyy Saya !! Congratulations!! I’m so happy for you. This is incredible.
      Thank you so much for dropping by, come back whenever you are ready. Much love and warm hugs for your little munchkin 🤗♥️

      Like

  2. Prajakta says:

    Just take care of your health – physical, mental and emotional. Your words have given strength to so many of us, it is only fair you took time off to breath. I see your poems have been gaining a lot of attention on Instagram and I am so happy.

    Good luck and I hope to see you pop up in my reader 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Hey Prajakta,
      Thanks a lot for your support. And yes Instagram feature was nothing short of an unbelievable surprise. Hoping to see you around too. Wishing you best of luck with your hand healing and writing 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Himali Shah says:

    If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

    I have recently experienced how pathetic it feels when your trust is shattered and you feel like a fool for trusting someone just blindly . It’s okay Zee. Learn from your mistakes and bounce back stronger. Lots of love !!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Aw I’m sorry Himali you had the same experience. I know how hard it can be to get over such situations and how damaging it can be. Thank you for your support, and I wish the same for you! Lots of love and hugs back at you ♥️😘

      Like

  4. Fuchsia and Phoenix says:

    I’m so glad to read your words again (I’ve missed them!) and I’ll definitely follow you on Instagram too I made a new account a little while ago @wordsbygemm (so you know its me!). I’ve definitely been the girl with rose tinted glasses on too, choosing to believe a person was who I wanted then to be rather than who they actually were but I’ve always been a bit of an idealist. As for your personal health, I’m sorry to hear that it has gone down hill and I hope that things start to improve soon. I haven’t posted on my site in about 3 months, I had a lot of deadlines coming up and I’d also not been feeling in the blogging mood. I’ve ended up making a brand new site wordsbygemm.com , I haven’t posted anything on it yet though. My life’s been pretty chilled lately, spending time with friends and family, writing/planning for my new site and working. I have some pretty big changes coming in September though and I’m a little anxious about that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Heyyyy Jimi !! I’m so so happy to hear from you. I followed you back on Instagram, I can see it’s going in a fantastic direction 😉

      I feel like the idealist part of me has died a little. Or maybe completely. I can’t be sure what lies underneath the rubble because I’ve not been courageous enough to sift through it yet. I’m barely handling myself.

      And I can totally understand taking break from blogging cuz you are just not in the mood, but I’m glad to hear you are starting again on the new site! I tried to visit your blog but found out it had been made private. Good luck with your new site ! and whatever changes you are about to face, I believe it’s going to be for good. Stay strong and believe ! Much love to you. Can’t wait to see you more ♥️

      Like

      • Fuchsia and Phoenix says:

        Thanks Zee!
        Aww, remember to be patient with yourself and give yourself time to heal. You don’t have to sift through it all till you’re ready.

        Thanks, I’m super excited about the new site! Yeah, the changes are definitely for the better.
        Much love to you too 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • Zee says:

          Ah yes, I’m trying to take it one day at a time. I can get overwhelmed very easily.

          Wishing you all the luck for your future endeavours ❤️

          Like

  5. plaridel says:

    welcome back, zen. stress is good, but too much stress is not. i’m glad you have decided to set up your priorities. we love you and wish you the very best that this life can give. if you can post at least once a month, that will be good.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Thank you so very much Plaridel ! I appreciate your support, it’s such a relief to know that all my friends here are so helping and understanding ! Can’t wait to read more from you and see you around more often ☺️😇

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Maniparna Sengupta Majumder says:

    Hi, Zee, it really feels good to see you back. Studies must be of prime importance at this stage of life and you’re doing the right thing. But, losing 12lbs in three weeks doesn’t sound good to me. Take care of your health, dear. I always love reading your words which flow so spontaneously… ❤ Hope you'll be regular now on… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Josh Gross | The Jaguar says:

    Sorry to hear about your struggles, Zee, as you seem like a fun and caring person. And life is much, much harder when you’re undernourished. I hope your health and everything improves!

    P.S. I will follow you on Instagram, but my Instagram page is in a sad state! I’m not much good at multi-tasking either, and it’s usually my Instagram page that gets sacrificed to make more time for other pursuits.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Oh thank you so much Josh. I’m trying to take care of myself, hope I succeed !

      And I can totally understand, even my own Instagram account was in a rut since an year. But I have some free time on hand now so decided to kick start my page again! Hoping to see you around whenever you are free 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Mabel Kwong says:

    I am so happy to hear that you are coming back around, a bit in the blog world and also on Instagram! It sounds like life has been very busy with studies and also with the people around you. Always have faith you will pull through and sounds like you are very close to graduation. You know what…I graduated a long time ago but I still don’t feel grown up lol…maybe you are more mature and level-headed than me, Zee 🙂 Maybe you really are stressed and the stress is eating away at you physically 😦 But you know, sometimes the body changes for the better and adapts to circumstances in a good way, just natural changes.

    It is lovely to see you sharing words again on Instagram, though you may not be writing much. Anything that you share, be it your writing or quotes, they are always so meaningful. Like you, these days I have not been writing as much. Still blogging but as for writing my book, I have stopped that. Too busy with work and life. Then again, lately I’ve sort of felt the inspiration to write…so maybe I will start writing my book again at some point 🙂 Take care, Zee. Hope to see you around more ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Awww first of all thank you for this lovely note Mabel. It was such a pleasure to hear from you on my blog ! Yes I guess it was the stress eating away at my body but then it pushed me to make positive changes in my life such as exercise and eating well and just simply focusing on myself ! And we’ll graduation is definitely not the end of it, it’s actually the beginning of things. So don’t worry if you don’t feel grown up, I think I wouldn’t either lol

      I can totally understand being out of inspiration cuz I had stopped working on my book as well during that time. But I’m glad to hear you are feeling the power of inspiration back into your life so good luck with your book 😉 I’m sure whenever you start writing again it will be nothing short of magic ♥️

      Like

      • Mabel Kwong says:

        No worries, Zee. I really was just so happy to see you back on IG and then on the blog 🙂 I’m sure it will be an exciting road ahead of you as you get into your profession and get time to be creative again. As usual, your words hit the spot, emotions and heart…such a natural at all things creative ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  9. nataliescarberry says:

    I’m so glad you are still alive. Sometimes we have to take those solitary journeys back to wholeness or at least a functional state of being. Do take care of yourself, believe in yourself, and never ever let others make you feel worthless!!! Love and hugs, Natalie 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Thank you Natalie, I really needed to hear that last line of not letting anyone make me feel worthless. I’m so happy to hear from you! ♥️ You are like sunshine! ☀️🌻

      Like

  10. Lochan says:

    Hi Zee.. Welcome back.. Look at the positives in life.. Many a times we need to flush out our rose tinted glasses… Its difficult but once you do that life becomes a bit more easy.. Don’t worry you survived it, our mental and physical health should always be of utmost importance… You might have felt bad now but it will save you more headache and heartache in future… Having said that, believe in yourself and your support system. We know who our well wishers are and be happy with them.. So believe in them instead of focusing on negatives and life becomes beautiful again… Plus we all are here for you…
    Please take care of your health.. No one but you can do that.. Hope you feel better soon…
    Sending all positive thoughts to you…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Heyyy Lochan!!🌺
      Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. I appreciate the lovely friends like you here who really motivate me and keep me going. Everything you said is so true. At the end of the day it is about how you survived and then you are left to heal the battle wounds. It’s all about the support system, and sometimes the support system is you, yourself.

      Again, I’m so thankful for your positive vibes ♥️😇

      Like

  11. katiemiafrederick says:

    Hello.. Zee.. nice to see you…
    sTiLL DanCinG and SinGinG
    on line with Ellipses for
    me.. hehe..
    Facebook
    tested me
    to see if i was
    real today.. haha…
    so far out of the norm..
    i look like a spam bot to the
    other Algorithm not designed
    to see and read and hear
    Original Human
    Creativity
    and
    verily
    that makes
    me sMiLe.. hehex2..
    for it proves i don’t
    have to worry about
    copyrights or selling
    or owning anything in life
    of one that is free with no
    debt of living life that
    same way my
    FriEnd and
    Oh Lord.. all the years
    as slave to school for 19
    and work for 33.. 42 ‘years’ then never
    (8 of those years work/school co-morbid)
    finding anything close to A Greater Fuller Better
    Holy and Sacred Meaning and Purposes NoW
    of LiFE within out of data download and problem
    solving mind.. sure.. i feel for you in the start of
    what i already ended and will never go back
    in this life to as a prisoner of any systemizing
    way of think.. ah.. but to get along
    with the Robots of life
    that is an
    art
    my
    friend
    to escape
    a Matrix of Purgatory
    and Hell on Earth.. oh yeah..
    just finished A longest long form
    poem in the history of Human kind
    at 1.84 million words that grows on in
    a Nether Land Never ending story
    no limits
    oR expectations..
    all free NoW iN pure love
    without restraint.. other than
    that i can and will only wish and
    pray and hope that one day you too
    will successfully escape..
    to
    the
    other
    place
    of your
    will and choosing..
    aS TruTH anD LiGht
    YoU feeL and Sense more than kNow..:)

    When i worked and went to school creativity
    was almost no part of my life for 40 years..
    surely a desert to wander in without
    iSreal truth and light of heart
    and spirit of heart
    as mind
    and body
    balancing soul then..
    i checked out a book in
    college on how to do creativity
    but never had the focus to read
    it at about your age.. my friEnd..
    life is a long road until one finds
    A Heaven within.. then there
    is no time at all
    as science
    shows
    it doesn’t
    exist any where
    else but an illusion
    that too many folks create
    as mind and body in that other place..
    true.. hard not to do when plugged so deep..:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Ah yes, the education systems doesn’t do much to explore one’s creativity. And mostly quantity is preferred over quality sadly. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Hope you have been doing great and enjoying life to the fullest like you always do.

      Sending good vibes your way ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

      • katiemiafrederick says:

        EdGinG
        DArk
        LiGHT

        NeveR A
        Dry BRusH
        PAinTS NoW

        SMiLes aGaiN Zee.. mY Mother Survived
        Breast Cancer that eventually spread to
        her Bones and Brain.. undiagnosed for
        five years.. smiling until.. almost the
        very end.. this year on Valentine’s
        Day.. with no more
        occasional pain
        relief
        than
        A Bayer Aspirin..
        thE Lessons of the
        JOB of LiFe sMiLe
        through it all until
        the last wink
        as ResT…
        WiLL and Strength mY
        FriEnd oF A heART’s Love as Grace
        that gives more and rarely takes less…

        SMiLeS end beGin iT
        aLL A CHocoLate LiGHT
        Bar unTo A sELfiE
        oF LoVENoW..

        And thanks to you
        for hELpinG me Paint..
        A ChocoLaTE BaR oF LiGHTLiFE..:)

        Liked by 1 person

  12. trentpmcd says:

    Great to see you back! Because if you weren’t back, I couldn’t scold you 😉 Take care of yourself – you’re the only you that you have. Hmmm. Did that come out right? Take care of yourself, and if you need to skip blogging and such to study, study! Which you were, so that’s fine. I hope writing is just a temporary set back while you finish your studies and concentrate on health. I think you are a great writer and have really improved over the years that I’ve followed your blog.

    And people. yes, that is a big part of life, learning about people. We never know all there is to know about people and about ourselves – it is a lifelong process and we all make errors in judgement. It hurts, but we brush ourselves off and move on. Anyway, as others have said, don’t be harsh on yourself.

    Anyway,it is always great to see a new “Life Confusions” post! Welcome back!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Erika Kind says:

    Wow, Zee… looks like you wee working through the wall of issues in a crash course. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I am a lot older than you and I too got tricked by people I thought I could trust… people who pretend to be someone they are not but you only find out when they need to stand tall for their words and promises. Happens to all of us but it should not keep us from trusting in general. It is them… not you!
    I am sure your health will approve again. It appears as if you hit rock bottom and now you are slowly rising like a phoenix. I am happy to have you here again 😊😗💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Erika !!!!♥️♥️ first of all I’m so happy to see you. Your words of wisdom have always been precious to me. So thank you🌺
      I try not to be hard on myself but some days I lose the battle. And those are the days of utter self loathing and regrets but on other days I pick myself up and try to be as strong as I can be.

      And like you said it looks like I have hit rock bottom, but every single time I think I have, there’s another bottom to discover😂 but that’s okay. I’m so used to it now and rising back up again😄
      Thank you for your supportive words and kind wishes! I can’t wait to have daily dose of inspirations on your blog😇♥️

      Liked by 1 person

      • Erika Kind says:

        My sweet Zee!! Sometimes you think you reach the limit of the bearable when even more challenges happen. It is unbelievable how much comes together sometimes. And mostly the problem is not the others who might have caused the turmoil within us but we ourselves when we are keeping up stirring in that dark mud soup because we cannot forgive ourselves for being fooled. At one point we notice what we are doing and we pour that soup into the toilet, stand up, dust us off, and move on with our head towards the sun. You are at that point and whatever brought you here made you stronger than you have ever been.
        My dearest Zee, never forget that you are highly appreciated and I am looking forward to sharing all our inspiration with each other again 💖💖

        Liked by 1 person

  14. The V Pub says:

    It is WONDERFUL to see you again, Zee! Yes, the pain of hoping that someone will be someone you wish them to be, and not someone that they are, is painful. Paul Simon once wrote “Still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest”. It’s part of life, though. We all want something perfect, yet nothing perfect really exists. But, take solace in the fact that this is part of the human condition and we all experience it.
    So, welcome back, my disco dancing friend! I hope that I get to read a lot more of you in the days and weeks ahead.

    xo

    Rob

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Hiiii Rob !!!🌺 My disco dance partner! 🕺🏻 you put it so wonderfully well. Sometimes we see a version of people that we wish they are. Rather than the seeing them for what they really are. But like you said it’s a part of learning and experiences. Although I don’t really know how to fix a lot of things but I guess baby steps is the way to go? And I love that quote you shared! ☺️

      Thank you so much for the support Rob! I don’t know what I’d do without friends like you here ♥️ can’t wait to read your part of the stories as well, I hope your pub has been hustling bustling while I was away😉💞

      Liked by 1 person

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