Permanent Scars


About 8 months ago I participated in a badminton tournament, semi final was one of the most intense match I ever had in my life. I dived on the concrete pavement multiple times. By the third time I already knew my knee was bruised and bleeding. Logically I should have stopped but illogically I continued to dive the next fourth and fifth time anyways, knowing all too well it’s gonna hurt like hell once the adrenaline rush dies down. Now, there is a permanent scar on my knee. I look back and think why did I do it to myself? I mean the dive was not necessary (who intentionally dives on a freaking concrete pavement anyways? ) I had hurt myself by the first two times.  I should have avoided (and I easily could have) the next multiple dives. But I continued to let it hurt me. And in the end that’s what I was left with; A permanent scar.

Few weeks ago I was looking at it running my finger over the faded mark. It made me think of all the other times we let others hurt us over and over again. Is it because we think it will start to hurt less by I don’t know, the 10th time? Or is it because we think they will stop doing it at some point? But they never stop, do they? They continue to strike just the same way, pounding, beating. Each strike stinging harder than the one before. Until our heart cracks under the merciless blows and cries for help but we carefully hush down it’s screams, telling ourselves that this pain is worth it. Heck sometimes we even tell ourselves we like it. The worst part isn’t that they hurt us or continue to do so after we have almost bent over backwards to make it all work, the worst part is we let them do it to us. We let them. And it always, always ends up doing more damage than good. We somehow convince ourselves we deserve this pain, we convince ourselves that pain is unavoidable part of it all. We become more and more accepting of it until one day we wake up and realize how we are permanently scarred. And it’s too late to do anything about it.

We think it makes us somehow pious, better than lot, because we are doing such a high service by holding on despite of all the pain and hurt. We consider letting go a loss. I look back and wish I knew this back then, that sometimes holding on makes you lose more than letting go ever does. Because then it all becomes a cycle. You sacrifice, surrender and lose; even yourself in the process. And for what? Nothing is worth losing pieces of yourself and certainly not to the pain. Not by any chance, not by far means. Not ever.

I can only hope, that we learn not to let anyone hurt us so much so that it leaves permanent marks on our chest. So that with every breath we aren’t reminded of how much of ourselves we lost while all that time we were a standing witness to our own destruction. I can only hope, we love ourselves enough not to let anyone do that to us. I can only hope, that we heal. I can only hope that we learn to forgive ourselves because we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry. And let light enter us through the broken gaps. Because if anything, we deserve it; Light, Love, Kindness, Healing.

“If they must go then let them leave. For they cannot take back the love they never gave you. The one you deserve but never received.”

– R.M.Drake

(Daily post: Relax, Construct)

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72 thoughts on “Permanent Scars

  1. Prajakta says:

    I think we need to learn when to stop. Sacrifice is a great thing, but it very soon turns into foolish and self-destructive (as it probably it for you in the badminton tourney). We need to understand when to let go and give ourselves the much-needed time to recuperate and heal. What a lovely message you give here 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      That was the point. We get so lost in certain things in the moment that we forget to notice how deeply we’ve been wounded in the meanwhile. Thank you for your words of appreciation ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • prior.. says:

        Things here are fine.
        And guess what – my yoga teacher played “summertime sadness” song – not a fav of mine – but I remembered you posted about it and it made me think of you.
        How are your studies going?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Zee says:

          Haha wow! It was sooo long ago that i posted that song. I’m so humbled that you remembered me 😉

          My studies are just very hectic. And I’m not the best person at organising my life either so you can get the idea lol

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Penne Cole says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I’ve been in that situation before. I wasn’t strong enough to leave. In the end, he pushed me away, and even though it hurt like hell in the beginning, I’m eternally grateful for that.
    I hope you were strong enough to realise that you are worth so much more than that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      I did realise my worth later on, but too much damage was done already. I wish I could have saved myself earlier but I guess I would have never been able to back out if I had not been wounded so deeply. I’m sure everything happens for a reason so I’m grateful for how things ended 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  3. hailangeliccreation says:

    Again, another thoughtful story to tell. I hope you value the beauty and lessons in your scars as they are wonderful storytellers. Bruised arms, knees, legs, and hands prove a body has been well lived in.
    It’s unfortunate to think that many people will learn lessons this way: letting something hurt them over and over until they make an escape. Only then are they left with a deep pain and proof of their survival.
    I hope your knee heals well and you continue to show and be proud of the story you can now tell.
    Happy writing!
    -Author S

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      I kind of do value the scars and bruises, because you can’t be anything else but proud of them as they are souvenirs of our survival. That even through all that pain, we had the courage to make it through! It’s the hardest and most painful to learn lessons this way but I guess that’s just how life works. You don’t know what it feels like it until you bite the dust. Thank you so much for your well wishes and dropping by my place. I appreciate it a lot ☺️

      Like

  4. itsmesaraa says:

    Wow !
    This is so deep and so beautiful and yet, so inspirational!!
    I love how you took that experience and turned it into this wonderful life lesson!

    I can easily say, i love reading your posts!! (As much as i love you!!)
    Have a great week Zee🤗❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Awwwh you are the sweetest Sara. Thank you so much, you are so kind. I’m glad you found the post inspirational ! I love it when you drop by, such a pleasure to have you around. Hope you are doing great. And have a great week ahead as well. Much love ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Mabel Kwong says:

    It sounded like you were very dedicated to doing your very best in the tournament, Zee, and you gave it your all, all of your fighting spirit (I don’t know if you went all the way to the end of the tournament, but anyhow, congratulations on coming so far). Sometimes we let something or let others hurt us because we might feel this will all result in a happy ending, that by hurting and going for the risk we feel that it might be the sacrifice we need to find what we are looking for.

    “sometimes holding on makes you lose more than letting go ever does. ” So well said. Sometimes we just get stuck in that cycle by holding on, as you said. It traps us, and we just go around and around with the thoughts in our heads. Letting go will also hurt, ironically. I suppose sometimes a certain kind of hurt brings us pleasure, and it is the kind of hurt that we have feelings for.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      Thank you so much Mabel. I didn’t reach all the way to the end but it was definitely worth the hype! The thing you said about making the sacrifice and taking the risk in hopes that we find what we are looking for, is so true. I guess sometimes we believe too much in “No pain no gain”, we consider pain a lamppost of something exciting and something worth running after. But it turns out it isn’t so and we have hurt ourselves too much until then. Running in circles doesn’t get us very far now, does it? But as you said, maybe it’s the certain kind of pleasure we get from this particular kind of hurt that makes us keep going back for more.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Mabel Kwong says:

        Pleasure in pain. Certainly. There can’t be one without the other. We always hope for something better, and we feel that the more we try, the better the chance of getting what we want. The odds make sense this way, but sometimes things are just not meant to be. But that said, you are a winner in your own right though you didn’t go all the way. So proud of you for coming so far ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • Zee says:

          “The odds make sense this way.” This is such a great analysis of this human condition. We try to justify it in any way that will keep us fighting for it, even through wounded core.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. katiemiafrederick says:

    Humans are relegated
    to somewhat of a
    catch
    22
    dilemma
    as to be a social
    animal means we
    not only want each
    other but instinctuAlly
    we need each other as healthy
    humans or even monkeys
    all who are also
    primates
    and
    social
    animals
    will wither and
    die away from a
    young age.. socially
    isolated from what ever
    apes surround them.. even
    if they are the monkey see..
    do.. and hear type of Apes as we
    can and will meet in liFe.. from a young
    age too.. anyWay.. as synchronicity will have
    it i was feeling this today.. as i tend to have love
    for everyone
    without any
    need of
    want
    for
    anything from
    them.. and sure i will
    love with no reciprocation
    at all as i have been to a place
    where both feeling and giving love
    was a physical impossibility as tHeir
    is living organics behind a spiritual life
    of Love and all emoTions/SenSEs dArk and liGht..
    anyway.. not everyone looks at life this way after
    visiting
    the other
    place of
    fully null
    and void now..
    and i understand
    that as i cherish and
    practice Love like an olympic
    sport simply ’cause i can and WiLL
    LIKE ALL OF LIFE LIKE THAT NOW..
    a little off putting for some folks who have
    not been to hell.. but never the less my friEnd..
    the HeARt is an organic muscle of lOve from head
    to toe that must be practiced constantly and worked out
    in all the social empathic ways in art that can come free
    with that or NOT And suffer the laws of attraction of Nature
    God and sAMe in DArk actions.. including thought attract dARk
    consequences and Positive actions same move toward liGht consequences
    in all the ways life can and will come now.. however.. i am human and after experiencing
    much isolation in life.. and much bullying when young.. it hurts when people say fuck you
    these days
    for no
    reason
    but fuck
    you as the
    human element
    in ways of empathy
    and compassion goes amiss
    when folks have 2000 Facebook
    friends and perhaps little old me..
    is the only one
    who
    actually
    views their
    stuff and likes
    it as just a metaphor
    as my entire life has been
    like that however the love came
    back and lives inside groWinG stronger
    as i acknowledge the dARk moves through
    iT for even more liGht now that iSREaL.. as Love..
    it’s true.. we are creatures of habit.. and memory of pain..
    misery.. joy.. and laughter.. but when we lift each otHer up
    toGethER
    and stick
    it out
    wE
    become
    taller as Loving
    Fearless smARt BeinGs
    oF God and nature sAMe..
    at leAst my FriEnd it works for me..
    with sMiLes.. Zee.. as it doesn’t seem to
    disgust you.. that i love you for no other reason
    but to Love..
    there was
    a day
    where
    i couldn’t
    say that for the
    strangers around the
    world.. and there was a longer
    day that i could not feeL iT aT aLL..
    fearless love is fearless love is fearless love
    or
    not..
    bottom lines of Yes
    And to HealinG LoVe
    giFted to uS by God.. the
    greAtest Force and Power
    we have as SociAlly BeinGs oF LiGht..
    iN MoVinG.. ConNectTing.. CreaTinG ways
    as in all things noW
    Nature/God.. use
    iT or
    lose
    It RulEs..
    Now as alWays..:)

    Like

    • Zee says:

      Love is fearless, or maybe it is not, but either way there is something about it that keeps us going back for more even despite the hurtful fall and previous scars. So it must be something! Thank you so reading Fred and sharing your thoughts. Hope you have been doing well. And holidays are fun time for you. Have a wonderful day ahead 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. trentpmcd says:

    Very well said/written. Why do we keep diving after that silly shuttlecock when we know we are just going to hit the concrete floor and get hurt? Sometimes it seems that the game is bigger than ourselves. And some time in the future we might look at the scars and remember the stories with nostalgia and far less pain than when the scars were fresh wounds. Or we’ll feel a bite from the long ago pain and remember what it is to be alive. But are the stories, the memories worth the scars?

    And the heart? We may say that the scars have turned to callouses and that, not feeling, we will no longer take that dive to try to win the elusive prize, but we always return for more. We are creatures created for love leaving our heart as the most vulnerable part of our being, always the first to be damaged when we take a fall. And the fall is too often the result of that headlong dive, isn’t it?

    You weren’t meant to always live with a broken heart. I hope it finds healing soon 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      There were a lot of insightful analysis of the post in your comment Trent. “Sometimes it seems that the game is bigger than ourselves”, maybe it is that illusion, that hope for something glorious that makes us strive harder and harsher for it. And when the dust settles and the reality becomes clearer, it’s anything but. Then all there is left is those painful reminder of what happened when we were caught up in that moment.

      The thing is you said about keep returning for more, I hear that a lot. I hope that’s true, the strength to stay vulnerable despite of harsh experiences. Seems surreal to me for now. But i won’t say there is no hope. There probably is, but very measured.

      Thank you so much for Trent for taking time to share your insights with me❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      • trentpmcd says:

        There is so much more than the hurtful scars, though. That spirit that made you dive head first for the point, either in badminton or in love, is always with you. The scars are just a reminder of how much you dared. And who knows, if you keep daring and pushing, you may still wind up with scars, but you may also wind up with a great victory. You will again dive again after a badminton shuttlecock or something similar for the game, and your heart will dive after love again. That’s what it means to be alive. And any insight I have I gain through my own scars 😉 ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

        • Zee says:

          I guess that’s the gist of it all in the end “That’s what it means to be alive.” No matter how much we have wounded ourselves in the battlefield, the thrill of it keeps us going back for more. Thank you Trent for your kindness 💟

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Erika Kind says:

    Amazing insights, Zee! You gave us here a complete picture. It is like watching the same movie over and over again and hope that it may end differently! Then again, there is this beautiful thing called hope which we should never lose and we should also never refuse to give others a second chance. But once that second chance was again used against us we need to rethink before we humiliate ourselves. The scars are not too bad when they lead to such insights and they will for sure keep us from something worse. Fantastic post, Zee!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Zee says:

      It’s a very careful balance between second chances and not losing yourself. As they say a mistake made once is a mistake but by the second time it becomes a choice. It’s hard to live with such choices which almost destroyed you. And scar you so deeply that you think you will never recover. But as you said, “hope”. So here’s to hoping….that’s all what is left to do in the end 🙂
      Thank you so much, Erika. I’m glad you liked the post 💗

      Liked by 1 person

      • Erika Kind says:

        Oh, Zee, I understand so well what you mean. The problem is that you don’t know what comes after. When we are so drawn into something we still hope that there are chances and we think and talk us everything in place that may be a sign that it is worth to go for but looking back we found out that we were denying the truth. But it is a process to find out. When you are in the middle of it you don’t see anything around it until it becomes too much and you start looking at it from a different perspective. The scars are already there but they taught such an important lesson. The scars make us develop the deepest being of ourselves and having overcome it we are so much stronger than we had ever expected! 💖

        Liked by 1 person

  9. TheOriginalPhoenix says:

    I used to let people do that to me. It got me bullied for four years straight. Bottom line is it doesn’t get you ANYWHERE. Respect yourself and stand up for your rights.

    Liked by 1 person

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