About 8 months ago I participated in a badminton tournament, semi final was one of the most intense match I ever had in my life. I dived on the concrete pavement multiple times. By the third time I already knew my knee was bruised and bleeding. Logically I should have stopped but illogically I continued to dive the next fourth and fifth time anyways, knowing all too well it’s gonna hurt like hell once the adrenaline rush dies down. Now, there is a permanent scar on my knee. I look back and think why did I do it to myself? I mean the dive was not necessary (who intentionally dives on a freaking concrete pavement anyways? ) I had hurt myself by the first two times. I should have avoided (and I easily could have) the next multiple dives. But I continued to let it hurt me. And in the end that’s what I was left with; A permanent scar.
Few weeks ago I was looking at it running my finger over the faded mark. It made me think of all the other times we let others hurt us over and over again. Is it because we think it will start to hurt less by I don’t know, the 10th time? Or is it because we think they will stop doing it at some point? But they never stop, do they? They continue to strike just the same way, pounding, beating. Each strike stinging harder than the one before. Until our heart cracks under the merciless blows and cries for help but we carefully hush down it’s screams, telling ourselves that this pain is worth it. Heck sometimes we even tell ourselves we like it. The worst part isn’t that they hurt us or continue to do so after we have almost bent over backwards to make it all work, the worst part is we let them do it to us. We let them. And it always, always ends up doing more damage than good. We somehow convince ourselves we deserve this pain, we convince ourselves that pain is unavoidable part of it all. We become more and more accepting of it until one day we wake up and realize how we are permanently scarred. And it’s too late to do anything about it.
We think it makes us somehow pious, better than lot, because we are doing such a high service by holding on despite of all the pain and hurt. We consider letting go a loss. I look back and wish I knew this back then, that sometimes holding on makes you lose more than letting go ever does. Because then it all becomes a cycle. You sacrifice, surrender and lose; even yourself in the process. And for what? Nothing is worth losing pieces of yourself and certainly not to the pain. Not by any chance, not by far means. Not ever.
I can only hope, that we learn not to let anyone hurt us so much so that it leaves permanent marks on our chest. So that with every breath we aren’t reminded of how much of ourselves we lost while all that time we were a standing witness to our own destruction. I can only hope, we love ourselves enough not to let anyone do that to us. I can only hope, that we heal. I can only hope that we learn to forgive ourselves because we all eat lies when our hearts are hungry. And let light enter us through the broken gaps. Because if anything, we deserve it; Light, Love, Kindness, Healing.
“If they must go then let them leave. For they cannot take back the love they never gave you. The one you deserve but never received.”