A Chaos Within

(Chaos: This week let’s embrace disorder and it’s creative power.)

There is this moment before the heartache. When you know it’s coming. It isn’t there yet. You don’t even know why you think it’s forthcoming but you feel it in your bones. Like your soul has felt it coming from miles away.

This moment before the pain is about to hit you and you know it will devastate you. It hasn’t arrived yet. But you know it will. And you know it will open the wounds again. The wounds of decade that took centuries to heal.

You prepare yourself beforehand. You are sure of its factuality. So there is this night, where you lay on bed and you don’t really know why your heart is sad. Neither do you know why you want to cry. But you do.

And then all of a sudden there is this moment of realisation that this is you mourning for what’s about to become of your heart. Which is already hanging through the gallows waiting for the final call to its execution. The strings are cut one by one with which it hangs firm and it slowly looses grip. And you know it’s about to fall. It hasn’t fallen yet. But you know it’s about to. You already know. And there isn’t one damn thing you can do about it. It’s inevitable.

It will come like a tide of the ocean that slowly builds. The more it gets closer the more ferocious it becomes, and you know you are going to fucking drown. You try to save breaths, prepping yourself for the impact. But you know no matter how well you’ve prepared yourself, the tide is going to come and it will break you. Like beads off a pearl necklace; You will spill. All the pieces of yourself that you put together one by one all this time will spill…just like that. Like they were never stringed together so tenuously to begin with. Like they had always been so haphazardly splattered across the floor.

Though none of that has happened yet. But you feel it coming and you know it will happen. So this night where you are trying to make sense of why you still can’t find peace? This is the calm within the storm. Where you know the storm will soon reach the core of you and you will be blown to smithereens.

And so, this is you; grieving.

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80 thoughts on “A Chaos Within

  1. Prajakta says:

    I felt this so so so deeply, Zee. There will be storms that will drown or gallows that will fall hard. But make it a clean cut if you cannot avoid it. And this kind of dying is entirely in our hands – because we can draw in the last breath that will bring us back. *hug*

    Liked by 2 people

    • Zee says:

      That is a great piece of advice about making it a clean cut if it cannot be avoided. I’m afraid it’s already a little messy. May take a long time to heal but like everything, all wounds heal when they are suppose to. Thank you for your kind words and hug. Hope you are doing good ❤️

      Like

  2. rommel says:

    It’s kind of like being conscious of what you shouldn’t be doing or feeling, but you do or feel it anyways and can’t turn it off. It reminds me of a different song, Just by Radiohead.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Zee says:

      This is exactly what happened. Knowing how much it’s causing you pain, yet you keep diving. Which I’ve realised now. And also that is what my next post is going to be about 😉

      Like

  3. Mabel Kwong says:

    Such a deep, deep sad piece of writing, Zee. ” you know you are going to fucking drown” I love this line. Sometimes we know the choice we make will take us down the wrong path, and we even see and feel that we’re on a path of destruction. Logically, best we stop – but we don’t. Because sometimes the heart says otherwise and the heart is such a powerful thing…

    Liked by 2 people

    • Zee says:

      Aaah. That’s so true Mabel. As they say “hearts wants it wants” . It’s only when we have dragged ourselves through dirt and gotten so deeply hurt, do we realise mistakes we have made along the way because we couldn’t keep our heart in its cage. I hope you have been doing well Mabel. Sorry for my absence. I’ve been busy with studies and dealing with personal stuff. Needed some time off ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. katiemiafrederick says:

    SMiLes my FriEnd..
    Art is for findinG closer
    to the heARt.. and grief
    is for GroWinG and Appreciating
    not only heARt.. SpiRit and SoUL
    as MiNd and BoDy BaLAnCinG cOMes
    aGain.. but life itself.. as this tool of writing
    arT i for
    one
    Know
    and FeeL
    IS A path to inspiRing
    oneself out of DArk and
    a communion of those
    who have
    experienced
    liFE like this bEfore..
    GiVinG and ShARinG aLL oF
    liFe IS A reservoir of HopE.. my FriEnd
    that you do very well iN aRt of Words
    BoTh dArk and liGht and those sHades
    of purgatory Grey skies wiTh hints
    oF liGht yeT
    to coMe
    aS WELL
    of Ocean
    Breeze waves
    that roW LoVe liGht aGAin..
    and one day to say i see beYond
    rainBows oNce aGAIn as colors BriGhter..
    beyond and below dArk and liGht coMe aGAIN..
    anyWay.. as usual best wishes to you.. mY FriEnd Zee..:

    iN
    liGht..
    oF LoVe LiFe..:)

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Erika Kind says:

    Wow, I felt the strings around me while reading, Zee. When there is this feeling that something like a heartache may be coming up then it is a clear sign that something is wrong in the core. True love has no heartache at least not caused by the two people towards each other. What I learned too is, not to hand on when this clear feeling is there. Because it is like a worm that crawls deeper and starts questioning everything. Either the two people can talk it out or it will be a torture all the way! I never want to feel something like that anymore. It has nothing to do with love when one causes this feeling to another one.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Zee says:

      I’ve never been so sure in my life than I’m about this now; it being anything but love. Just like you said, it has nothing to do with love if it causes you so much. Thank you Erika for your words of wisdom, they always give me strength through tough times. Sorry for my absence. I’ve been busy with studies plus dealing with personal stuff that unneeded time with. Hope you have been doing well ❤️😘

      Liked by 1 person

      • Erika Kind says:

        I haver never experienced you more powerful than today. Wow! I am so happy to sense you that way because this powerful woman who stands solidly on her feet is how I saw you all the time! Don’t worry about any absence. Life has always priority. Btw. I haven’t been a lot around either due to a tight schedule these days as well 😉💖💖

        Liked by 1 person

        • Zee says:

          Awwwh this is so so sweet of you Erika. I’m so happy to know that you believed in me. It still feels like an aftermath of a hurricane and dust is still settling. But you can’t rush these things, so I guess it will take time to clean the mess I’ve become. But I’m very slowly but surely getting there 💗
          And thank you for being understanding about my absence as well. I’ll drop by soon to see what you have been upto on your blog even if you haven’t been around that much as well 😉 Hope life’s been treating you well even if it’s busy ❤️

          Liked by 1 person

          • Erika Kind says:

            Oh, yes, that is the best thing you can do. Look ahead and clear the path piece by piece. Now a wonderful journey begins. You are more attentive than ever before and will see and discover things you have not noticed yet or you will realize the value so much more.
            I am thankful for every time I see you but I would never expect it. Oh, and my blog is filled as usually… I scheduled almost everything 😉 I am very good and life is progressing in unexpected and beautiful ways 😊 Huge hugs, Zee 💖

            Liked by 1 person

            • Zee says:

              I don’t know how “wonderful” the journey will be, but it will be one hell of it. And as you said you do discover things and grow along the way so that’s something, even through all that pain 🙂

              And you are such a perfect planner, no wonder you have got your blog still in the swing of which I’m so very glad to hear !!😉☺️ And I’m even more happier to hear that life is progressing for you in beautiful ways ❤️ I do wonder what’s the secret to you keeping up with the blog (especially with the fellow bloggers) even through the tough or hectic schedule?!😉

              Liked by 1 person

              • Erika Kind says:

                It is all about organization and planning weeks ahead. But reading posts of other bloggers suffered badly during the past 2 weeks, unfortunately. But this is only temporary. I appreciate everyone so much and also the great work everybody does here! On the other side I understand so well when it is tough to keep up with everything and that is why I don’t expect anyone to always come by but appreciate each visit the more 💖

                Liked by 1 person

                • Zee says:

                  I wish I could say organisation and planning is my strong forte but it isn’t 😦 That’s why I keep lagging behind in my blogging journey. that’s why I asked how you manage. I will try to make things work too. Thanks a lot for helping out Erika. 😘❤️

                  Liked by 1 person

                  • Erika Kind says:

                    I remember we had this discussion one… lol! Don’t worry, Zee! The most important part is that you are having fun. It should not turn out as a pressure and obligation. What I do is thinking from the end: I am gone on Monday in two weeks and have a lot to do in advance? So I find a day before to write and schedule everything. When I am gone for a longer period I have to make more time for writing and scheduling all posts for that time. That is basically it. To be honest: I am always at least a week ahead to make sure that I am on time because you never know what comes in your way 😉

                    Liked by 1 person

  6. joseph elon lillie says:

    I remember this feeling and I remember when the storm broke. I recall thinking I may not make it. I remember the life boats coming in the form of friends and relatives. I remember being held up by some invisible arms that felt stronger even than the tide that threatened continually to suck me down. I remember hope being restored. I remember saying this too shall pass.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Zee says:

      Your comment is so beautiful Joseph. It’s strange how we remember our road to survival through all of it and by the end of it we cannot believe how we made it through so much but we did. I’m sorry you’ve felt the same way, i wish for nobody to go through this. Thank you for reading and leaving behind your thoughts with me 💗

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Courtney Wright says:

    Grieving is ok.. we all grieve. It is a natural order of things of the hearts of us mere mortals. Just make sure you aren’t getting too comfortable in that bed and that you get past the process and keep on living! 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  8. trentpmcd says:

    I love the photo at the top. The darkness is closing in, we know it is inevitable, yet there is still that one flash of light. Appropriate to the words about that tense calm before the storm, when the air hangs heavy with anticipation. Or is it dread? How easy it would be for me to say “hang on to that beam of light! Focus on it just a little longer!”, but I also know how useless it would be.

    Powerfully written. I have said many times that you have a knack for capturing that inner turmoil so well. I can feel it just reading your words. And don’t feel bad if most of what you post is dark. I can worry about it because i worry about you 🙂 but don’t you worry about boring people with it. There is no way anyone could be bored with that! All of us face heartache, though I know some feel it worse than others, so we can all relate and feel it in the words, we can understand what it means. It seems silly that we’d want to feel that pain, but for some explainable reason we do. Perhaps it reminds us of our shared humanity.

    I hope the storm is just literary, memories of the past, or that it isn’t as bad as you think it might be. I hope you are well 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  9. shireen gheba says:

    This feeling is so distinct. Yet you want to just wish it away. It’s amazing how well you have written about something which is so hard to decipher. A great piece of writing about something so subtle and so painful. Thanks for sharing….

    Liked by 2 people

  10. The V Pub says:

    There are things in life that I was convinced that I would never experience again. Perhaps that was really hoping it would never happen. But, it did, it does, and it will. We, as humans, are survivors. I loved your response to the prompt, Zee. It does feel like chaos with a brooding, impending storm on the horizon.

    Liked by 2 people

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