“How can emptiness be so heavy?”
This one line has taken the center stage in whirlwind of my countless other thoughts. I don’t know why but this line hit me really hard and I’ve been wondering about this a lot. Because it’s so true yet such an intangible concept that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t manage to wrap my head around it. I couldn’t find a tangible explanation for it. I turned to a friend for an explanation, maybe she had better idea about this than me. But she too, couldn’t help me much with it and told me that she believed in my abilities to figure this out if I pondered long enough and that I should keep thinking and digging. And so I did.
In the words of my friend emptiness is “So unseen you can’t even touch it and it still fills you up like nothing else.” And it’s as true as it can get. I’ve never denied the existence of empty spaces within myself, I’ve written about it quiet a few times before (though haven’t shared it on the blog yet), so I went back and read those pieces again. I realized it’s not the emptiness itself that is heavy, it is ‘what’ left it there- is what makes it a heavy burden.
It can be people- who once were, now aren’t, never will be again.
It can be a thing- that once was, now isn’t, never will be again.
It can be feelings- which once were, now aren’t, never will be again.
Ah…Feelings. People. Things.
It’s like they all have an underlying blueprint and no matter how hard you try to scrub them off your heart and soul- something always remains. A piece, a part, a trace. And it weighs on like hell. Like a boulder tipped upon your weak shoulders to carry on forever.
Something that is there but isn’t.
Something that isn’t but is.
Maybe this will always remain intangible to me, maybe I will never be able to grasp it. But I can never deny the accuracy of this, it’s immensity, it’s depth. And I can’t help but to drown in it. Over and over. Time and time again. This one sentence will stick with me for a lifetime, heck I can write a whole freaking thesis on this. I know what I’m saying is probably all in the air, and to some it might not even make one bit of sense- maybe it ‘IS’ senseless, I don’t know.
But it makes so much sense to me, yet I still don’t have a perfect answer. How can something so intangible bring such restlessness to our hearts? How can something so unsubstantial bring such turbulence to our souls? What do you think?