I was suppose to write and publish this post yesterday– on the first day of 2016 but I was too tired and sleepy so have to make do with today. As you all might have been expecting of course it involves something about new year resolution. Though I’m not a ‘new year resolutions’ kind of person, mainly because I’m not persistent, I can’t follow through things unless my ass is on fire or it’s a last minute deadline. But this year I’d be keeping it very simple; Being positive, Being thankful and Learning to be happy.
The first day of 2016 was a whirlwind of emotions, I dragged myself through the day with heaviness of unknown bounds. Now that we’ve started the clinical side of our studies since about an year- being in the hospital, coming across different kinds of patients and all different kind of diseases your perspective about life in general really gets shaken. So yesterday was no different, I saw a 17 year old boy with Encephalitis (Acute inflammation of brain), he lost consciousness in his school, was taken to hospital where they said he had a heart attack, he was resuscitated (CPR) about 10 times and he came to after 30 minutes during which he suffered from Brain ischemia (due to loss of blood supply to brain). He was on life support for sometime, he had seizures, he had (tracheotomy) done to help breathing afterwards and now though he was conscious, but was not responsive in anyway, no understanding of where he was or who he was, couldn’t move a limb by himself and he was so weak that his bones were protruding out as we examined him. Passing from a ward I saw a dead body wrapped in white as his/her family stood around it in the corner quietly hit by waves of pain and shock. So there it was; someone else’s first day of the new year. And here I was; Sure I have my own set of problems and my inside was in raging storm and there was this profound sadness for no reason but I, at least wasn’t one of them and so many others in a much worse state. Talk about being thankful! So comes the being positive part in face of any adversities.
I’m going to learn to be happy. It’s been so long I don’t remember how to do that anymore. I’ve to learn to give a smile that actually reaches my heart and isn’t just to put on a show. It’s so hard for me to smile at times. It just doesn’t reach….there. I came across this quote the other day :
“And once you lose yourself, You have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.”
All I’ve been doing since the past two years is running in circles trying to search for that person and failing miserably at it. All I’ve been doing is wishing to be like that person again. But I guess I’ve to stop trying to find my old self now, I’ve to come in terms with this person I’ve become. Now I realize I’ve been in denial all this time. I’ve been Grieving for the loss of myself. Grieving for the part I lost within myself.. I guess it’s finally the time for acceptance. I’ve to accept this is the normal me now. There is no going back. There is no trying to find my way back. I should be looking forward when all I’ve been doing is looking back. Taking one step forward and two steps back. Ending up right from where I started, stuck in the same place, in the same state of mind. Guess I’ve to move on the next stage of grief which is acceptance. Accepting this person I’ve become.
This year is going to be a work in progress for me. All I can do is hope that this year is going to be better than the one before. And I hope I learn to make most of what I have and become a better person in the process as well.
What about you guys? Any new year resolutions or just gonna go with the flow and deal with whatever as it comes?
Wish you all a Happy New Year, Thank you for being such a great community! I’ve made such good friends here and came across such kind souls- for which I cannot be any less than grateful. I’m overwhelmed by all the love I’ve received here from all these amazing people. A Huge Thank you to everyone! Cheers to our continued friendships and being there for each other as a community. Another year, another chapter of life. Here’s to being a better version of ourselves! \0/
Peace & Love,