Circle Of Life

I was suppose to write and publish this post yesterday– on the first day of 2016 but I was too tired and sleepy so have to make do with today. As you all might have been expecting of course it involves something about new year resolution. Though I’m not a ‘new year resolutions’ kind of person, mainly because I’m not persistent, I can’t follow through things unless my ass is on fire or it’s a last minute deadline. But this year I’d be keeping it very simple; Being positive, Being thankful and Learning to be happy.

The first day of 2016 was a whirlwind of emotions, I dragged myself through the day with heaviness of unknown bounds. Now that we’ve started the clinical side of our studies since about an year- being in the hospital, coming across different kinds of patients and all different kind of diseases your perspective about life in general really gets shaken. So yesterday was no different, I saw a 17 year old boy with Encephalitis (Acute inflammation of brain), he lost consciousness in his school, was taken to hospital where they said he had a heart attack, he was resuscitated (CPR) about 10 times and he came to after 30 minutes during which he suffered from Brain ischemia (due to loss of blood supply to brain). He was on life support for sometime, he had seizures, he had (tracheotomy) done to help breathing afterwards and now though he was conscious, but was not responsive in anyway, no understanding of where he was or who he was, couldn’t move a limb by himself and he was so weak that his bones were protruding out as we examined him. Passing from a ward I saw a dead body wrapped in white as his/her family stood around it in the corner quietly hit by waves of pain and shock. So there it was; someone else’s first day of the new year. And here I was; Sure I have my own set of problems and my inside was in raging storm and there was this profound sadness for no reason but I, at least wasn’t one of them and so many others in a much worse state. Talk about being thankful! So comes the being positive part in face of any adversities.

I’m going to learn to be happy. It’s been so long I don’t remember how to do that anymore. I’ve to learn to give a smile that actually reaches my heart and isn’t just to put on a show. It’s so hard for me to smile at times. It just doesn’t reach….there. I came across this quote the other day :

“And once you lose yourself, You have two choices. Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely.”

All I’ve been doing since the past two years is running in circles trying to search for that person and failing miserably at it. All I’ve been doing is wishing to be like that person again. But I guess I’ve to stop trying to find my old self now, I’ve to come in terms with this person I’ve become. Now I realize I’ve been in denial all this time. I’ve been Grieving for the loss of myself. Grieving for the part I lost within myself.. I guess it’s finally the time for acceptance. I’ve to accept this is the normal me now. There is no going back. There is no trying to find my way back. I should be looking forward when all I’ve been doing is looking back. Taking one step forward and two steps back. Ending up right from where I started, stuck in the same place, in the same state of mind. Guess I’ve to move on the next stage of grief which is acceptance. Accepting this person I’ve become.

This year is going to be a work in progress for me. All I can do is hope that this year is going to be better than the one before. And I hope I learn to make most of what I have and become a better person in the process as well.

What about you guys? Any new year resolutions or just gonna go with the flow and deal with whatever as it comes?

Wish you all a Happy New Year, Thank you for being such a great community! I’ve made such good friends here and came across such kind souls- for which I cannot be any less than grateful. I’m overwhelmed by all the love I’ve received here from all these amazing people. A Huge Thank you to everyone! Cheers to our continued friendships and being there for each other as a community. Another year, another chapter of life. Here’s to being a better version of ourselves! \0/

Peace & Love,
Zee ❤

95 thoughts on “Circle Of Life”

  1. Pingback: The moon is beautiful, isn’t it? – Ramisa Writes
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  4. jessannseq says:
    Reply

    I love this song Zee! ❤
    You are right about how we can never going back to the person we once were.Maybe it's just a part of the growing up process.And I love the quote you mentioned there,it just puts my life in perspective.I've been through a similar situation earlier so I know that point when you look into the mirror and just wonder what happened to the "Old you". But trust me on this,with time you'll know that what you went through,the thing that changed you gave you so much more experience than you ever had.It just makes you ready to face a bigger challenge which you may or may not have been able to deal with earlier.
    Sorry for the extremely late reply.I was in a place with sucky wifi and had a lot of work moving into my new apartment.
    So better late than never, Happy New Year Zee. May this year bring you loads of happiness 😀
    Love <3,
    Jess

    Liked by 1 person

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  9. jojo says:
    Reply

    I love your blog! I believe by finding our ways to be happy is it required to feel every feeling exists. How to know what is happiness about if we don’t know what is grief… Best of luck and happy new year!

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi JoJo, I definitely agree with you.
      Just as their is no rainbow without some rain, the same way happiness wouldn’t be of much value without some pain and sadness. Thank you so much for dropping by my blog and leaving this wonderful comment with me. Much appreciated. I hope I will be seeing more of you! 🙂

      Like

  11. Prajakta says:
    Reply

    Zee… This time you need a chocolate bar and more for the strength you have shown in this post. The spirit with which you are holding yourself up is inspiring and something which so often we fail at. To be happy is something we feel is so basic yet the internal workings are something so complex unknowingly or intentionally influenced by the situations we face in life. You are still young with promises and hopes 🙂 You are going to be fabulous. Wish you all the best for this year and shout out if I can help in any way!

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi Prajakta, you are such a sweet soul, Thank you so much for your uplifting words of encouragement ! Striving to be happy is such an intrinsic part of our human nature, you can’t help but be driven by the idea and I’ve found one of the ways to accomplish is by being positive. Your comment meant a lot, Thanks again for everything,
      Much love to you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  12. saadia peerzada says:
    Reply

    You have explained exactly what I feel nowadays: losing who i was, sedated, trying to zone out the world but it hardly works. I am also going in circles , trying to be the person I was. But I feel lost…like I’ve stopped living…
    Anyways, I hope that your life gets better and that you recieve the happiness you deserve. I hope that you learn to cope up with the CRAZY hospital life(haaarddd but i know u r strong) . The only thing that binds me to life is a single, weak thought ‘Life can be tough but so are you.’ I pray that this boosts your mood a bit and that you find peace. Lots of love and all things good in the world. :* 🙂 ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Awwh Saadia a big hug from me to you. I know exactly how agonizing it can be to lose yourself somewhere, one feel’s so lost and it’s like you can’t find your purpose to live, or more so the reasons. But let me tell you from what I’ve experienced so far there is light at the end of the tunnel, it may take sometime but you will eventually find yourself and it does get better. Some days are still hard but it get’s easier too 🙂

      Thank you so much for this hearty note, Love you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • saadia peerzada says:
        Reply

        I wholeheartedly agree.Perhaps I am just in the way of learning important stuff in life. And as Steve Jobs has said’ You can never connect the dots looking forward, but someday you will,looking backwards.’
        Lots of love right back ♥
        Saadia

        P.s whats your new years resolution, if you have one?

        ♡

        Like

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi Courtney, thank you so much for this. I have to agree I’ve grown a lot as a person in these past two year, I couldn’t see it before but now that I’ve accepted the change within myself I’ve realized that this change maybe for the best 🙂

      Lots of love to you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Oh well this was a beautiful poem Plaridel, such depth, Amazing! 🙂
      Thank you for sharing this with me and reading my post and leaving me with this lovely comment as well, Much appreciated.
      Have a fantastic week ❤ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Mabel Kwong says:
    Reply

    It is so sad for me to read that you’ve been going through such a hard time, all the sadness and trying to find yourself, Zee 😦 Good on you for those new year resolutions. Short, sweet and simple. Seeing all those things in the hospital sounds very hard, and it’s not like all of us experience that kind of grief every day. Poor you. I wish I could come over and give you a big hug right now.

    But I suppose through it all, it seems that you can relate to others. Or that you really want people to be the best they can be or strive to be the best version of themselves. For that, I applaud you. I suppose we are always a work in progress – our identities and ideas change as we experience new things and as such, there is no perfect version of us. No one is a failure – I like to think that we all go through phases in life and then come out on tops at some point.

    Dancing violinist Lindsey Stirling once said that our best moment is always ahead of us. And I find that saying very meaningful. Happiness is always in the now, but no reason why we can’t look back. We can look back to reminisce and take heart that there was something beautiful in something that once was…and that will always live on in our hearts.

    I don’t have any resolutions this year…well, except for being healthy. Eating healthier to take care of my body, and to think more positively 🙂 Big hugs to you Zee. You are a strong woman and I know you will get through all of this. So glad to have connected with you in the blog world, and am very proud to call you my friend ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi Mabel ! I read your comment so many times, it was worth it, so much truth and wisdom. You made me feel so much better and gave me hope. You are one beautiful soul yourself Mabel. Consider your hug received. ❤

      We all have flaws and we can never be perfect, so all we can do is strive to be the best we can be. Learn to forgive others and ourselves even. I've learned a big part of being happy stems from forgiveness. Letting go. Being at peace. Every thing that we ever went through has been a stepping stone to being who we are meant to be in the end 🙂

      I wish you all the luck for your resolutions, Health is wealth after all. If a person feels active and healthy, he or she can take on any challenge with sound body and mind. Thank you so so much Mabel for your words of encouragement, I honestly can't find the right words.

      I hope your time off is relaxing and whatever and however you planned it to be,
      Love you so much!! ❤

      Like

      • Mabel Kwong says:
        Reply

        You are so right. Forgiving ourselves is an important part of moving on, and then refocusing our energies again on what we were working on prior.

        Thank you for your kind words, Zee. Very humbled. Keep doing what you do in your day life, and I hope you don’t stop writing and being artistically creative too. You certainly have a knack for putting heartfelt emotion in words so well and touch us all – and it amazes me how so many of your readers take the time to share their feelings too. Love you lots ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • lifeconfusions says:
          Reply

          Hi Mabel, I don’t know how I missed your beautiful comment ! Thank you so much for all the love and support you extend my way. I’m really thankful to have friends like you around. You are one of a kind ❤ ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  16. Akhiz says:
    Reply

    Its not easy being a doctor or nurse and i had a good experience to see the stressful situations they work when my dad had heart surgery, last year on my birthday night i was sitting beside the bed of my dad in emergency he was sedated and people were expiring left and right, their cries, the screams of their loved ones, the crowd, it was literally hell on earth, i salute all the doctors and nurses who go through this everyday even though it is generally thought that their emotions die after seeing all this everyday and they dont feel anything anymore ,all patients just become subjects to them but i beg to differ as i myself have relatives in the medical profession and i know what thy hav to go through (my mom teaches nurses she also does their counseling).

    The only thing that got me upset was the attitude of the young doctors when i had a chance to visit the another hospital of the city with medical collage, 90% of them were glued to their cell phones especially ladies, i even had a huge argument with one of the young lady doctors in our hospital when my dad was brought in to the emergency for the very first time, what she failed to understand was that i was the son and what i was going through, she kept arguing and i kept telling her to stop talking to me and treat my dad, and then i snapped (which i rarely do, as im a calm person)…

    But then there are people like you and my mom and my faith is restored, i have drifted so far away from the essence of the post but i wanna say that God always gives us situations nomatter how stressful and serious they are He always gives us strength to go through them. In future do pay attention to the relatives of the patients, a little chat an assurance a little hope, you never know how only four words from you can be a great support for someone going through a storm.

    You’ll be just fine Zee and this will be a great year for you, lots of prayers and wishes for u …. Gudluck.

    Liked by 2 people

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi Akhiz, yes I remember reading your post about your father’s surgery and the whole experience you had to go through, I understand how hard it can be. The strength and clarity you showed, I can’t even imagine. It must have been so overwhelming. How is your father now? I hope he is in the best of health now! 🙂

      I would have to sadly agree with you that some of the medical staff do not do their work properly and honestly, especially in Government hospitals here. The state is unbelievably bad. But there are definitely very good people around too as you said so yourself, which are keeping this system going.

      And you are very right, few reassuring and kind words to attendants can make so much difference to them, all they need is someone to show them a little glimpse of hope and kindness. That is why this profession can be spiritually very fulfilling for some.

      Thank you so much Akhiz for your words of inspiration and this beautiful comment. It makes me so happy to read what you have to say,
      Much love ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  17. prior2001 says:
    Reply

    Hey zee – that was some heavy stuff to see at the hospital – and it really shapes and sobers and changes us! I have seen many things like this too – and one of the most life changing things was going to a few grief counseling sessions with a lady who lost two kids – so sad – they died in a freezer playing hide and seek in 98 – anyhow – going to the meetings with her was my way to reach out and support – and I got blessed for my effort – not to sound cheesy but God always seems to do that for me – when I serve others it often comes back to flood my life with so much! And speaking of God – I am never one to force a god talk and actually prefer not to talk about spiritual things because so many folks have abused people over religious beliefs – but I do believe that God made a space inside of each of us that only he can fill – and when we open up and pray (which prayer is talking to God) well he gives us contentment that goes beyond circumstance – also – and hear me on this – I seriously believe that depression and moods have a very potent connection to what is going with digestion and lymph function, and most modern doctors only treat symptoms and they are oblivious to microbes and parasites that make people feel malaise and down – there is also other things – like you note here about choosing our thoughts and also understanding our tendencies – like the old president of the APA wrote a book called Flourish and he talked about how his granddaughter cAlled him out for being blah and even rude at times – and like you were noting with your self awareness – he realized he was a pure pessimist – and was intent on changing – and he did! We still retain our true colors – but he notes much improvement – because feelings follow behavior – and not the other way around – we can take action.

    Lastly a my hubs and I laugh all the time – it makes life better – sometimes our humor happens as we laugh at ourselves or at a situation – or an old movie line or song lyric will trigger a talk and some chuckling – and so humor and joy seem to be a great buffer and it flows like a faucet being turned on – can flow once going – but comic relief is so good for the soul-
    Gosh u wrote a heart warming post my friend – have s great day and ❤️❤️❤️💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi Y, First of all thank you so much for sharing your insight with me, it really helps to hear how other perceived it and to read the personal experiences, it puts your own life in perspective.
      I totally understand what you mean by helping others you found yourself blessed. Actually I was thinking the other day what makes me happy? Because things I used to find interesting before, or that used to make me happy- they have now drastically shifted as now I have changed too. So I was thinking what is it that makes me happy? And the only thing that I could come up with was ‘helping other’, If I make someone smile because of me, or If I help someone emotionally or financially even, is what makes me happy. Watching my parents happy or being proud of me makes me happy. So my happiness, for now, is kind of related to happiness of other people. It’s no wonder He helps and blesses those people immensely who help His creation out of compassion and kindness.

      And I couldn’t agree more about the spaces being solely filled by Him. One can find the purest kind of contentment only with Him, by praying to Him, crying to Him. He is there when no one is 🙂

      Also, I too am very lucky to have a great company of friends that make me laugh until my stomach hurts. This is why I forget about my worries, problems or misery when I am with them, even if it for a short amount of time, it does helps brighten up my mood. They are the funniest bunch you’d ever find! 🙂

      Lastly, THANK YOU so much for this wonderful discussion! It was so pleasent chatting up with you! Love you loads ❤ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • prior2001 says:
        Reply

        Well thank u for starting the discussion – I hope to come back and read some of the Comments later – the ones I skimmed were meaty!
        And just a few things to piggy back on –
        First – remember balance and life boundaries are key! We give and serve – and yeah it is life giving and intrinsically rewarding – sometimes the very aha feeling we needed – and more folks need to open a tight fist and feel the open handed joy – however – with that said – we also need a full cup to give – we also have very legit needs as a human – and we were built to “take” and receive-

        And many people are burned out from giving and get depleted because of imbalance – and people who can draw boundaries really have more long term success – there is always on the spot giving – and lifestyle that doesn’t just accumulate – but some well meaning people have problems with a mindset of giving to where they become depleted and lack freshness – I have seen a lot of this! And when God says he “will give us the desires of our heart” and we are to enjoy an “abundant life” this consists of the joy of giving -but the joy of fully living which comes from arts – stories – relationships- trying stuff – trying new things – enjoying basic things – like special exotic foods or even just basic everyday foods – for example – we shared an apple on the drive home yesterday and we were starved- had the apple in my purse – and was glad to find it – and whew – it was slightly tart and Zee- each crisp bite never tasted so good) and then intimacy with a partner – being challenged for work or learning tasks – achieving – not producing – designing – I could go on and on – but life satisfaction cannot come without “loving” – and that living has to have stuff for us – and for me I dedicated all I had to God in my early 20s and asked to be used – and my oath led me to bring used alright – to touch lives in small (yet significant) ways – and it led to doing things to fill my cup -but seriously – some of the greatest things have happened when I gave and made sure I had s lifestyle of serving (as God led) – great example was years ago when I tutored someone for free –and trust me we could have used the money at that time – but the hours and hours I invested – which was essay and just a time thing – well I made a lifelong friend and it led to a paying thing – go figure! And even though I would never say “what’s in it for me” – I see there is always always always stuff for me – some call it karma – the band “Ratt” sang about it as “what goes around comes around” and God tells us we reap what we sew! And I believe there are other spiritual components to giving that impact the heavenly realm – but enough on that for now!

        But to sum up this thought – remember that angst and working thru stuff is good- we are emotional beings and as such- we feel – we wrestle – and we process! And for me – I felt like I had my mid life crisis at 21 and 22 – I even told people I was “trying to find myself” which sounds a bit cliche and was at the time – but I think some of us just have longer and harder seasons of processing – while some don’t – much of this is innate wiring – while some is from life experience so far – and we need to learn and grow – I am not sure if it is called “finding yourself” anymore – but a part of life is wrapping our head around a whole bunch of stuff – and what really helped me at the age of 24 and 25ish – was reading rich stuff – daily I would listen to wisdom shows (guys I liked were chuck swjndoll – Larry Burkett etc). And I listened to their shows every day sometimes twice a day (commutes) and without realizing it I was actually shaking my moods for the. Better because I had so much good stuff coming in- chuck used humor a lot – and his short half hour shows were potent for my mind and affect – and without realizing it I was on the offense with keeping my cup filled with great stuff as opposed to feeling stagnant and empty and wondering why a lackluster feel was lingering – I was also hustling to work and go to school (late to finish my under grad cos I did some of this early soul searching) – but I lived and did art and went out or stayed in and read – and stayed anchored in the lord as I also developed a relationship with Him – and like other relationships – we grow into them – and it is pretty amazing to grow with God-

        You have so much wisdom Zee – and keep adding to it because it will serve u well! Get some helpful resources because it will save u time – sometimes we might be reinventing the wheel (so to speak) when we really just need to research more about wheels – tires and tread – and then begin processing again-

        Very last thing is that the word “happy” is misleading – it is based on happenings and that is not our real aim – we want contentment – we want to have an array of emotions while having stability – which takes understanding our flaws – our baggage – and our needs that keep changing-
        ❤️💕😎

        Like

  20. nataliescarberry says:
    Reply

    Okay, my young friend, here goes from an old lady for what its worth. The reason you couldn’t find your old self is because she’s gone, not dead, but covered over with 2 years worth of growing. Over time the paths to old selves gets overgrown by all that has happened since. So put on that smile and keep on smiling until the feeling of genuine smiliness comes back to you, and it will. In other words “fake it until you can make it.”
    I can tell from the way you write and comment to me that you have a smile and I expect that’s quite lovely. Now as for gratitude and happiness. Years ago when I was going through one of the rougher periods of my life, and there have been many, I decided that at the end of the day I would write down at least five good things that had happened that day. And in my negative state I thought to myself, “well this won’t last long.” And yet that was over 10 years ago and I haven’t run out of things yet. It all started when I was walking down the street headed to see a movie with my family. I’d fallen behind and as I rounded the corner, I spotted a homeless man with no legs sitting in a wheelchair. As I drew nearer to him, he looked up directly at me. And with a remarkable light in his eyes and on his face, he smiled at me, wished me a great day, and ended with a “God-bless.”
    And I knew that one more time God had saved my sorry butt from my own selfish pity for myself. If this man with no legs and no home could wish a white, somewhat affluent elderly woman such things, then by golly I’d better pick myself back up and get back in the game as it were. And so I did and have found that the more thankful I am and the more I praise the Lord, the better it gets. No, my life is not now nor will it ever be without trials and suffering, but I’m simply too blessed to be depressed as they say. Oh I still have my moments when I give in to the pity-parties, but when you’ve been saved by Grace over and over and over again, you eventually get it!!!! Then 3 years ago, I had a stroke. Two clots had lodged in my brain. My family was told that I would die if they weren’t removed and that there was a good chance that I would die during the surgery.
    So they began to pray and at midnight a neurosurgeon returned to the hospital to do the surgery. Not only did he manage to remove the clots, but he managed not to touch or break the artery walls. So about a week later I WALKED out of the hospital with no residual damage except from my spelling. I had always been a champion speller but when I returned to by blog about 10 days later, I realized that was having to stop and think about how to spell some words. My daughter calls me her walking, talking miracle and thinks the spelling issue is humorous as now she says, “the playing field has been leveled and I’m just like everybody else when it comes to spelling.” So sweet girl, put that smile on your face, find things to be grateful for (they are always around us), and look for the good in things. When you do these things, it will brighten your inner light and sparkle and the whole world will seem and be better for you. Love you much, Natalie 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Wow…THIS. is. amazing Natalie. ❤ There was so much wisdom, thoughtfulness and understanding behind your words. I'm so so lucky to have such a wise person as you around, because I believe we learn best from different experiences in our lives and coming across inspirational stories as yours. Wow. This was truly eye-opening.

      I do sometimes, actually often, wonder how people do it, I mean keep such a strong faith despite the worst of adversities. To see the light despite of the darkness closing in. I admire such people whose faith does not waver or get shaken, maybe momentarily, but they catch themselves soon enough.

      I have seen quiet a few stroke patients by now and it's sensational to hear your story of almost a complete recovery, It is indeed a beautiful miracle 🙂

      Your story and words are a source of motivation for everyone. Thank you for sharing it with me Natalie, you have no idea how much this helped me. Love you loads! ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  21. charlypriest says:
    Reply

    Hi Zee, in my opininon you got to know what you want and what you don´t want. Also what you are capable of and what you are not capable of doing. By your age in another set of line of work i did see and do not the very beautiful of things. And emotional detachment helps in those cases if not you wont perform your work as well as you have been trained to do. I should add that when I entered in shock 3 years ago in the hospital it was you adults of 19 and early 20´s that saved my life in the ICU, you could see them all almost 10 people working on me all very calm and very professional and as I had learned early on, to do certain jobs that are either risky or basically you do play with death on a quite a regular basis, again, you do have to keep an emotional detachment at the time your doing that job. No sorry feeling for the person, because if feelings get involved in the way you won´t be able to help that person. Thank God for those kids that saved my life, I actually thanked one of the guys the month later and he didn´t even remember me. That´s all fine, better that way he did save my life. And he slept soundly the next day.

    So if someone is not up to the task of seeing dead bodies, or just not able to perform under that kind of pressure that person in my opinión should revaluate in what line of work they got themselves into. Since it´s quite a serious one when life´s are on the line.

    And, last, because I´m sounding I´m giving a speech here, not sounding I´m actually am giving a speech. Just be happy with who you are, and don´t think too much. Maybe is hard for you, but do what you love to do when you figure it out, it may take time, but just try to live happy with what you´ve got.

    I mysself would love to do this and that and be this other person, but no. I´m me, for better of for worse, can´t change much now so no point in thinking constantly what can I be doing or could have been done e.t.c. It jus will drive you to depression.

    Take care Little angel.

    Liked by 2 people

  23. katiemiafrederick says:
    Reply

    Well.. as illustrated in my last response
    to you on my blog.. my New
    Year’s Resolution is
    just an affirmation
    of Dancing
    and Singing
    of what i already
    do.. no real ambition
    but Arting life more..
    but oh.. i know the
    science of the work
    life too.. and so wonderful
    we have people like you who
    have what it takes to work with
    the less fortunate among us in
    the medical fields
    required to
    keep
    us alive
    out of the
    dark places
    of life.. but something
    i could not do.. as a younger
    person.. at one time training
    to be psychologist..
    one field
    trip to
    the asylum
    with all the poor
    and lost souls was
    too overwhelming
    for to ever
    be able
    to compartmentalize
    my empathic nature
    from a place called
    hell.. i’m better at
    it now..
    a weathered
    and worn human..
    but not all people
    are cut out to help
    in the dark part of life..
    not because of callous but
    instead of feeling too much..
    and for an empath what can
    and will happen for folks not suited
    to these caregiver roles is they can
    eventually get drained so much that
    they do become callous and even lose
    their emotions and feelings for living at all…
    Not saying that is happening to you as i would
    have to know and feel
    you in real life to
    assess that
    but it is
    possible
    that if you
    are an empath
    your are very smart
    like i was.. but just not
    emotionally cut out for
    it either like i was then..
    but again..
    no judging
    here.. just a
    anecdotal experience
    i can relate to of my own..
    when you mentioned the
    suffering i could still feel
    it to
    the
    bone
    of my heart
    that lives strong
    again.. my friend.. Zee..
    and yes.. that emotional
    draining is actually a recognized
    medical condition associated
    as a human
    disorder
    now..
    sadly
    at one
    point it was
    too complex
    to even have a name..:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      I can totally understand what you mean. Some human experiences like that can be overwhelming beyond belief and you were young at that time so it’s understandable how it still haunts you.
      As far as being not cut out for this specific kind of work is concerned, i don’t let every single thing I come across in the hospital effect me. But this time this deep realization was needed to make sense out of things. To be thankful for what I already have and taking a positive outlook at life.

      Thank you so much for reading and share your reflection about the situation with me. I appreciate it a lot Fred 🙂

      Like

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Hi there,
      Thank you. And well even if our resolutions aren’t big and pompous; Being positive and being happy is what matters at the end of the day. So here’s to hoping we achieve our goals. Insha Allah 🙂

      Like

  25. Marissa Bergen says:
    Reply

    Are you interning then? Sorry, I don’t think I ever caught that part of your story as far as the medical field goes. It really takes a certain type of person to work in the medical field. Honestly I don’t think I’m cut out for it but I really admire those who are. Good luck with your personal improvements. I don’t really make hardcore resolutions but there are always small changes we can make in the new year.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      It’s alright Marissa, I’ve only mentioned being in medical field on my ‘Who Am I’ page, I don’t remember writing about it in any of my recent posts. I’m doing Doctor of Physiotherapy actually to be more specific 🙂

      Thank you for wishing me luck, I need it. And of course even small changes go a long way. So cheers to making progress as a person , whatever that maybe 🙂

      Like

  27. Erika Kind says:
    Reply

    My dear Zee. The job you are doing is one of those with most responsibility and one of those which are most important when it comes to our basic needs: life itself and someone who is there.
    Regarding your old self: I think you definitely have to let your old self what it is…. OLD. You say it yourself. It is old, past, overdue. It was OK at a time when it was fitting in. But that self developed and the problem is that you deny that developed self but how can something develop back? You are much further now. You are a new Zee and that Zee has a Self perfectly fitting it. Don’t let your brain tell you something different. The only thing you have to do is accepting you the way you are, with all your skills and flaws, with all you like and don’t like. That makes you. No one only likes everything of themselves. But happy people are able to accept even what they don’t like because it all makes us so unique and special. I can only say that as far as I know you, my dear Zee, I appreciate and honor you. You are so very young but have so much wisdom within you and that is what confuses you at times. You know more than what you see. Embrace yourself, embrace your Self. You are wonderful and only when you embrace and treasure all that you are, you can life fully. Because then you have the combined power of all that you are!
    Much love to you, my dear and wonderful Zee!

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Erika !!! I don’t know how you find such perfect things to say, everything you said makes such perfect sense. I cannot thank you enough for enlightening me and always being such a great support. It’s like you help me see the bigger side of the picture and sometimes that’s all we need: A change of perspective to the way we see life and all that has happened in the past.

      Every word you wrote there touched me deeply. I never realized a lot of these things before. I’ve read what you said so many times. Thank you so much ❤

      And as far as acceptance is concerned, I think I am on my way to acceptance. I'm already there even. Now it's time for the next step most probably, to be 'okay' with it. To let myself grow, to not constrict myself anymore by looking back. 🙂

      Thanks a lot Erika, I really really love you and cherish having a person as beautiful (inside & Out) as you around as my friend ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • Erika Kind says:
        Reply

        I am glad my words could bring some light into your situation, Zee. You are absolutely right. Sometimes we only need to see the bigger picture. We are standing at a point and only see what is around us. It helps a lot if someone who has distance to our situation describes the picture at least from their side. Or – as you say well – we only need another perscective to look at us or our situation. It all shines more light on everything and therefore leads us foreward automatically and makes us see more things while we walk on. All new things we see make us develop and discover new things within us. That can be scary in the beginning because we haven’t seen it before but it is the next level…. and never a step back.
        Sorry, that got long again. You are so inspiring and it just flows 😊💖

        Liked by 1 person

        • lifeconfusions says:
          Reply

          This is absolutely true and this is exactly why I’m thankful to have friends like you around, who help me immensely to see the bigger picture and be a constant support and be an honest friend. And please you don’t have to be sorry, I love reading your comments and hear your perspective on the situation. II actually look to forward to it! Although I’m usually at loss of words after reading your deeply inspiring insights, Hehe! You are just that good 😉 ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  33. trentpmcd says:
    Reply

    Those are fantastic resolutions: staying positive, being thankful and learning to be happy. I can think of few better. And with these goals you can start to recreate yourself. You can’t look back, only forward. You want to find the Zee that was? Why not create the Zee that will be! Yes, you need to learn to be positive and be happy. If you continue in this profession it becomes imperative that you stay positive. You will see the worst side of life, so you need to remember the best. And if you look around, you see the best too – those who give of themselves to help, those try to give encouragement to others who lack it themselves.

    Accept the person you have become and the person you are becoming. This is the only version of you that I know, and I find that this is a very good person. You need to discover it to, that you are a very good person 🙂

    I hope you have a great year. There may be shadows and darkness, but remember your resolution and try to stay positive, Look at those around you – some better of but some much worse, and be thankful. And do try to be happy 🙂

    I don’t have many real resolutions but ideas in my head, thoughts on what I want to do. Most f them are generalities, like yours. A few more specific, like I want to try to help Zee learn to be happy 😉

    Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:
      Reply

      Awwh Trent that was so sweet of you. Really, it touched me. You know what this does makes me happy; to have friends like you around to cheer me up and listen to my random rantings. So yeah for now, I’m happy and you were successful in making me so! 🙂

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful and wise advice. They say the first step to solve something is accepting that there is a problem. Acceptance. So I have accepted, now I will just take it first step at a time. And all we can do later is to hope for the best.

      Thanks a lot from the bottom of my heart, you have extended so much kindness towards me for which I’ll be forever grateful 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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