I’ve been struggling to write in fear of not being able to do justice to how I feel. I don’t even know how I feel anymore, what I feel anymore. Some days it’s as calm as the wind caressing the ocean while some days it’s the crashing waves of the raging ocean. I don’t remember the last time I wrote something meaningful or poetic or whatever.
I’m afraid my pain fueled the fire and my passion fueled the desire but now pain has quietly settled somewhere deep in my bones making its home and passion has disappeared like it was never there in the first place. Or is it that I don’t think about it anymore? I try not to delve deep because I’m afraid of skeletons in the closet will come spilling out when it took me a long time to bury it all in, To close all the doors, put up the padlocks, build walls of concrete stones.
Right now, I feel like I’m at the crossroads and whichever way I choose I will lose one thing or another. I guess now it has come to a point of choosing which thing is worth losing for the other. There is no way without it. Either way I lose.
But maybe… there is winning in this losing. Or maybe it’s not even about winning or losing. It’s just life asking you to make decisions and asking you to pay the price for what it put you through. Leaving you no choice but to deal with it.
Ah, life. You funny thing. Sometimes I love you, while sometimes I feel like choking the shit out of you, watch you gasp and beg for every breath that escapes. Sometimes I feel so heavily optimistic I scare myself while sometimes, the only way out I see is, death. Well on the bright side, I at least feel optimistic even if it doesn’t happen very often. I had forgotten what it was like. So anyways back to crossroads…
Tick tock tick tock.
Let’s see where life goes.