I Fail

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It’s returning again, I feel it in my bones.
It’s constantly moving, changing states…but it’s there.
I feel the blues.
I sit alone or lay in bed after a long day and I feel it.
I try to comprehend it.
The why and how of it but I fail,
as always I fail, miserably at it.

I fail to explain it.
I fail to stop it.
I fail to let it out.

I fail, I fail, I fail.

It’s like a thing that has cling itself on to me
And I can’t seem to shake it off.
I feel it scraping against my skin,
slowly rising in my blood,
burning my eyes,
shaking my bones.

I want to cut it with something sharp and let it out,
For once and for all provide it with escape.
Let it out of my system,
Take an invasive measure.
But I’m pretty sure I will fail.

Like every other time I’ve tried.
I will fail. I will fail. I will fail.

I’m a failure, Aren’t I ?!
All I do is fail at things,
I fail at being a good friend,
I fail at being a good sister.
I fail at being a good daughter.
I fail at feelings.
I fail at emotions.
I fail at expression most of all.

I feel it in my bones, craving for expression,
But I’m afraid to feel again.
I’m afraid of it taking a hold of me.
I’m afraid of it taking over.

I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid.

So I tell myself it will go away.
I silently make a prayer in my head.
I turn off the lights and drift away
And wait for the next night,
For it to come back again
For it to claim it’s place.

I wait. I wait. I wait.

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61 thoughts on “I Fail

  1. Akhiz says:

    can totally relate to this,been there, but

    The thing is we never fail, we get down only to get back up, when all seems lost you get up and make it right, that’s what iv learnt, its not the survival of the fittest anymore, its survival of the adaptable, we will do our best or will die trying. Im not trying to get all Heisenberg on you but as someone whom i care about i dont want to see you like this, so stop these thoughts and get movin. (This is all coming from someone who has experienced this)

    Nicely put in to words by the way, well written 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Hi Akhiz, Thank you very much for your motivational words, I do really appreciate it you taking time to share these kind thoughts with me. I understand where you are coming from. I can’t help but get hit by these thoughts but what I can do is get back up after getting hit, as you said 🙂

      Have a fantastic week ❤

      Like

  2. jessannseq says:

    I think failure is one of the biggest fears anyone could have.But from what I’ve learnt it’s something that breaks you and when you piece yourself together,you’re much stronger than before.Failure is inevitable but we can control how we deal with it.That’s what makes a difference.

    Like

    • lifeconfusions says:

      “When you piece yourself together you are much stronger than before” I would definitely agree with that. All these experiences and failures help us shape into who we are. Of course you don’t realize that at the moment but definitely later on in life you understand that everything that you have ever been through was because of a reason 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Mabel Kwong says:

    Zee, what a poem. So emotional, so raw, so heartfelt. I so relate to this and have tears in my eyes 😥 And what an apt song you shared, St Jude, and you know I am a fan *sniff*

    “I fail at expression most of all.” What a line. Sums up how I feel a lot of the time. But looking at the bigger picture, when we struggle to get something done, we are afraid of not only failing but perhaps also at wasted efforts and time we have put in to reach our goals. And that is why we are afraid, the unknown is intimidating. Waiting can be our medicine, though. Waiting, it gives us time: we learn to reflect on ourselves, who we are and what matters – and then we are able to pick up the pieces and move on 🙂

    I chucked you a follow on my private Instagram, Zee ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Awh Mabel, you are so sweet. As you said “Waiting can be our medicine”, It gives us time to truly understand and wrap our heads around certain situations, It provides us with clarity in most cases. Thank you for your wise and heartfelt words ❤

      It makes me better to know that I'm not alone in this, I wish you all the love. I will check my Instagram too 🙂 I Hope life is treating you well. Have a fabulous week ahead sweetheart ❤

      Like

      • Mabel Kwong says:

        Time is our friend if we slow down. As the cliched saying goes, time heals all wounds (or similar). With time, we are forced to move on…the world doesn’t wait for us to keep turning 🙂

        You are so sweet on Instagram, Zee ❤

        Liked by 1 person

        • lifeconfusions says:

          That is very true. Time unfortunately waits for no one 😦

          You are sweeter Mabel. So glad we connected there. Now I can see more of Australia and your life around there ❤

          Hope your week is going fantastic so far 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  4. The V-Pub says:

    We get knocked down and we get back up again. Over and over it happens and we wonder why. Maybe it’s what we define as success and what we define as failure. Perhaps it’s our perfectly imperfect human condition. Just know that there are billions on this planet wondering and feeling the same way, Zee.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Hi Rob, Thanks so much for your comforting words. I do believe fear of failure and failing at things in general is a part of human condition but you can’t help but feel it’s effects. So all I can do in those moments is write my heart off. Thanks for reading and understanding.
      Much love,
      Zee ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Erika Kind says:

    I guess I understand what you mean when you say you want to cut it out. You are so tired of dealing with the same destroying emotion again and again. And somehow you did not find a way to cut off the cord. Did I understand that the right way? Sometimes we cannot cut the cord because we still cling to something with hope but if we are honest we need to confess that when the door is closed, it is closed. And then we can finally make the conscious decision to turn around, leave it behind, and move on. And it is amazing how fast we see the open door already waiting for us to enter. It was an amazing poem, Zee, with powerful words and strong emotions.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. charlypriest says:

    Hey there little devil, this was a gut wrenching piece of writing. Well done, very good description even me I was thinking what a failure I am, but since I have 2 neurons the thinking didn´t go to far. But I doubt you´re a failure, if your talking about you in the poem that is. You´re just a bit psycho that´s all 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Prajakta says:

    Zee, this work had a frantic, desperate pace that I like. It is always inside, clawing at our skull, wanting to come out and drowning us in it. You never really are rid of it. You can bury it alive and it will rot without dying.
    I am not helping here, am I? Maybe a hug…?

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Awh Thanks Prajakta, Your hug means a lot along with your words, It’s good to know that you understand where I was coming from, those deepest darkest feelings that every once a while takes over us. Thank you so much for your comment ❤

      Hope your Monday is going smooth so far ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. trentpmcd says:

    Sometimes, yes sometimes, it does feel like a failure. And sure, if we feel then we can hurt. So we want to shut down, not feel. But no matter how much we turn it off, it is there, and I can see it in, you, those deepest of feelings. And then there can be times when that deep darkness and void seems to have eaten everything and you think nothing you’ve done is any good. But there are others, outside of you, that will look at you with a question on their face and ask, “Fail? You, fail?, failure? How? I don’t see it?” And I don’t You do touch lives 🙂 You do sometimes express the darkest of feelings so we all know the place and, at other times, you talk about beauty, inner and outer, in such words that it makes us long so much it aches to to see and know the object of your affection. Failure? Not you!

    Liked by 2 people

    • lifeconfusions says:

      This is one of those times where I’m out of words to say….I read what you said so many times and each time it made such a huge impact on me, I think even trying is useless here because I won’t be able to express how much reading that meant to me Trent. All I can do is to thank you for going an extra mile to leave these words for me because they really really touched me. Thank you so much for this, Thank you and thank you ❤ 🙂 ❤

      Like

      • trentpmcd says:

        You’re welcome, Zee! For you it is not going the extra mile, it is the least one friend can do for another 🙂 ❤

        I know your blog is a place you can let your emotions out into the open, where you can work through things. Once it's on "paper" you can more easily wrap your head around it. But you are also opening yourself up so much, bravely letting strangers see into your heart. So thank you, I feel privileged for the glimpses I've seen 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • lifeconfusions says:

          Hey so I don’t know why and how I missed half of your comment before, It only showed half of this in my notification for some reason 😦 Glad I came across the whole one because your words were worth reading. Thank you Trent. It makes me better to know that there are people around who are willing to read what I’ve got to say and most importantly don’t judge me either way because it’s certainly not easy sharing all this ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  9. stacilys says:

    Oh my gosh Zee. Are you ok? I sure hope so.
    You know what? I fail all the time too. And I’ve discovered that I can’t change on my own. I do like you did before you went to sleep – Pray. Mercy has a way of seeping in and covering over my sin. It has a way of remembering that I am but dust. Thank God He lovingly gives strength and power.
    Ohhhhhh, please don’t get too down on yourself, my friend. And if there’s anything I can do, please let me know ok. Really. I’m serious. I mean it. I’m here for ya.
    Love and hugs Zee.
    🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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