It’s returning again, I feel it in my bones.
It’s constantly moving, changing states…but it’s there.
I feel the blues.
I sit alone or lay in bed after a long day and I feel it.
I try to comprehend it.
The why and how of it but I fail,
as always I fail, miserably at it.
I fail to explain it.
I fail to stop it.
I fail to let it out.
I fail, I fail, I fail.
It’s like a thing that has cling itself on to me
And I can’t seem to shake it off.
I feel it scraping against my skin,
slowly rising in my blood,
burning my eyes,
shaking my bones.
I want to cut it with something sharp and let it out,
For once and for all provide it with escape.
Let it out of my system,
Take an invasive measure.
But I’m pretty sure I will fail.
Like every other time I’ve tried.
I will fail. I will fail. I will fail.
I’m a failure, Aren’t I ?!
All I do is fail at things,
I fail at being a good friend,
I fail at being a good sister.
I fail at being a good daughter.
I fail at feelings.
I fail at emotions.
I fail at expression most of all.
I feel it in my bones, craving for expression,
But I’m afraid to feel again.
I’m afraid of it taking a hold of me.
I’m afraid of it taking over.
I’m afraid, I’m afraid, I’m afraid.
So I tell myself it will go away.
I silently make a prayer in my head.
I turn off the lights and drift away
And wait for the next night,
For it to come back again
For it to claim it’s place.
I wait. I wait. I wait.