Yesterday, I Was Broken (2014 in review)

Brace yourselves peeps this is going to be a long one, I urge you guys to get a warm cup of coffee, put your feet up on the table and read away (An end of the year post is bound to get a bit long so just this once please give me a free pass) ! ❤

I’d been thinking of writing an end of the year post for a while now, You can say kinda like New Year’s Resolution but every time I sat to write I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I’d been feeling throughout this past year and what I wanted to say at the moment. I just couldn’t find the words to say it all, describe how and what I wanted to say. A few days ago I was going through blogs in my reader as I usually do and I came across this fabulous post by Ramisa and I instantly  knew ! I KNEW THIS WAS IT. This was everything I ever wanted to say about myself but could never summon enough strength to write this beautifully and accurately. It was quiet scary to see how true it all settled with me. Every single line is a reflection of me, mirroring my thoughts. If I could I would try to prove that somehow Ramisa has these mind-reading capabilities and she somehow got into my mind at night as I was in deep slumber and stole my thoughts but I can’t prove it (Some day Ramisa someday! 😉 Haha 😀 )

As a little introduction to Ramisa, Here is an excerpt from her About page:

“I love fluffy rabbits that walk around with cute backpacks and have an obsession with cookies-and-cream ice-cream. I love talking to people and simultaneously I appreciate being alone. A bibliophile at heart, an appreciator of technology and of food, I aspire to accomplish the (sadly) impossible goal of hugging every rabbit on this planet. But that won’t stop me from trying.”

See how adorable she is along with being an incredible writer??! What are you waiting for people? Go on, hop over to her blog, read more of her About page, discover more of her awesome posts and say Hi.

Ramisa The Authoress

Now enough with the small talk, let’s cut to the chase, With her due permission I’m sharing this post today on my blog. A huge thanks to Ramisa for letting me publish it here as a way to express myself.


Broken [adj.] having given up all hope; despairing.

Yesterday, sunlight streamed through my windows and onto my large cup of tea, which I sipped serenely. Light reflected off every wall, warmed the beige curtains and my relaxed cheeks, evolving me into a cocoon akin to wrapping myself in blankets on a winter’s night. But then, I remembered –the raspy bitterness, unbearable pain and acute hopelessness of those surrounding me; streaks of black staining their cheeks with their innermost confessions, laced with gritted teeth and wide eyes. Butterflies barged against my ribcage relentlessly, the sweetness of the tea with two-spoons-of-sugar subsiding, sunlight no longer comforting.

Yesterday, accusations of possessing a heart composed of ice were flung at me. While my mother passionately wept for lost souls on news reports, I viewed them as mere numbers; a fact I had no capacity of changing, and should therefore ignore. This apathy defined my character. Maybe this was the evident conclusion–perhaps there was, indeed, something uncanny about my heart and its persistent avoidance of emotions. It took this entire year to recognize the truth: I feel too deeply.

Yesterday, my soul gravitated towards broken people, or theirs to mine–whichever it is, I am not quite sure. I cut myself on their sharp pieces and tenderly stroked sore spots, letting their emotions gulf my own fragmented heart to dilute their emotions. Simultaneously, I verbalised the right words with honey-covered hope and sugary faith. But the emotions linger. Once they latched onto my heart, they had no intention of separating. Soon, this pain I absorbed becomes my own; scattered feelings prevent myself from functioning, often for multiple days in a row.

Yesterday, delusions of broken people preoccupied my time. Those who depicted the slightest trait of insecurity, lack of wholeheartedness or possessed evident fear received my attention and care. In the process, I became friends with mismatched personalities, recognizing only afterwards that our closeness was derived from my constant desire to fix them: I’d worry about their jagged pieces, uncover methods to assist the mending, and in essence, lose myself in them. With time, they piece themselves together and finally acknowledge the light once again; meanwhile, their darkness has suffocated me.

Yesterday, I realized that my ethereal gravitation towards broken people reveals a great amount about myself: this constant desire to help others offers distraction from my own problems. Amidst being preoccupied with issues beyond myself and responsibility, I neglect my own brokenness. Perhaps the reason behind my attraction to shattered pieces is to fill the void within myself –one, I recently found, cannot be mended with anything else except self-love.

Yesterday, I learnt one thing: you cannot fix people. They need to fix themselves. But you can love them dearly and accept them for who they are, including their shattered pieces.

***

Yesterday, I was broken, caught in a desperate routine of fixing surrounding people to avoid personal issues, allowing darkness to overshadow glimpses of light on my cheeks. I did not deserve sunlight –or so I felt. My only happiness was derived from other smiles, temporarily masking the emptiness within myself, before eventually crackling to dust; these short-lived bursts of happiness were never permanent.

Today, I am not quite healed, but I accept the sunlight warming my cheeks. Whether I’m worthy of this profound light, or if darkness is more suitable no longer poses a question. Tenderness settles within the environment, the mirror, and the light. I drink my tea in serenity without my mind inexplicably venturing through an interminable tunnel with no exit.

Tomorrow, I will love myself unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and offer the same acceptance to those around me. Although I will never stop empathizing with others –while I initially considered this trait a curse, I’ve recently acknowledged it as a beautiful gift–the constant need to fix them would fade. I will embrace every shower of light, perceiving the brilliance as a reflection of myself.

The only person I can fix is myself; little by little, the light will become my essence, my definition.


Last but by no means least, The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 25,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

I would personally like to thank each and everyone of you for sticking with me throughout this year, through thick and thins by which I mean my numerous hiatuses, weird tantrums and posts. There are awesome people who have become more than just bloggers, they are a part of my virtual community and friendships that I hold very dear to my heart.

Wish you all a Happy New Year. Cheers to another year of blogging and hopefully many more. ❤

Lots of love and Good vibes your way,
Zee ❤

(P.S A special special thanks to those people who didn’t fall asleep while reading this post and didn’t skim through it either. A big bear hug to y’all! And to people who snoozed away while reading it, I’d still give you credit for at least trying, so an A for effort! )

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91 thoughts on “Yesterday, I Was Broken (2014 in review)

  1. jessannseq says:

    Yet another thought provoking post.Makes me sit and think about life.What you said about trying to fix people as a distraction from our own brokenness,I know how that feels,And your solution was right as well.You can’t really change someone or try to fix them.All you can do is love them and accept them the way they are,with all their shattered pieces.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Thank you Jess for giving it a read and understanding what I was trying to convey. Very recently I had another realization that we have to accept whatever amount of love people give us, perhaps that’s the only amount they are capable of. We can’t expect more or less, just accept whatever love they extend towards us. That’s the only way to make things easy for each other….what do you think?

      Like

  2. janshe says:

    Just leave all that is broken in the past and let us start the year fixing ourselves and continue with the wonderful things ahead. Let us stay happy and let love heal all our sorrows.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. rommel says:

    You are such a nice person, Zee. There was this one time when my co-worker told me that he was once a serviceman. Had a great time in Thailand. But some war-related killed a lot of the people there. He told me that he stood, outside, watching the news in front of a TV store. He was grieving for them. He’s Italian.
    I couldn’t pinpoint it, but that story affected me too. I started having all these depressive deep thoughts. I was reflecting too much.
    Now, I’m wondering if every person has gone through what we had. Being so affected for no reason, maybe not even related to what we feel. Or maybe it’s just us, kind people who experienced this? 😀
    Some people find emancipation from their problems when they help others first. So just remember, don’t be afraid to reach out to someone. 😉
    Congrats on the great stats. You’ve come a long way, and happy for you. I know I visited most of your posts so screw those who outcomment-ed me. Ahihihi 😀 I kid. i kid.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      aaah I know Rommel, I won’t or can’t stop from reaching out to someone if they need help but I’ve to learn to keep my emotions in check and learn to keep a safe distance is all! Thanks a lot for such a thoughtful comment, It was strangely calming to find that I’m not alone in this, There are other people who feel the same way 🙂

      Hahaha, Even if WordPress monkeys didn’t put you on that list, You are on my own list of best people for sure! 😉

      Thanks for always reading whatever I have to say, I appreciate it more than you know! ❤ Much Love ❤ <

      Like

  4. Miss Maqsood says:

    This was a great read Zee!
    Being considerate towards others is important and necessary but at the same time we need to heal ourselves and check with in is everynow and then. Only when we ourselves are mentally and emotionally sound, we can help others.
    And also Thank you so much for leaving such adorable comments on our blog!
    Sending love across the border 😉
    Miljaaye to batadena, ainda kuch aur bhijasakte hain 😉
    Take care ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Lala Rukh says:

    First of all, everything aside, I LOVE your story….. Can’t say anything else about it.
    I had a red bull in my hand when I started reading your post and as you say, legs on the table 😛 I guess nature knew I had to read your post that’s why it put red bull in my hand 😛 Many Congrats for these awesome stats ! You are fab and your blog is more fab. And already know Ramisa, though never got a chance to read much of her posts. Will do now ! I am sure the girl with that awesome intro would be an awesome writer. A very happy new year to you my friend, Much love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Haha. See everything fell into place, Red bull, my post, you! 😀

      Thanks a lot Lala for such beautiful words, You are too kind you know that 🙂 ❤

      I'm so glad you liked what you read, and yes do check out Ramisa, she is amazing 🙂

      Happy New Year to you too, Here's to many more years of blogging and continuing this friendship of ours ❤

      Like

  6. RamisaR says:

    ZEE ❤
    I woke up with a smile on my face because of this. I feel so honored right now; thank you so much for featuring me on your blog. ❤
    Your stats are amazing; 2015, I hope, will provide an even better experience full of life and laughter. As for that Coldplay song, I'm listening to it right now; it's wonderful. 😀
    Have a fantastic new year!

    Like

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Ah it was my pleasure to feature it on my blog, You already know how I fell in love with your words.

      And I hope you like the song as much as I did. It seemed fitting to the New Year theme, you know start with a positive and somewhat romantic song 😀 Hehe

      Have a glorious 2015! ❤

      Like

  7. litadoolan says:

    Great post Zee (as always). Congrats on your SUPER stats. What an amazing and deserved achievement. You are celebrated by so many here who love your work!! Like me 😉

    I was thinking about the middle part of your post and one thing I feel is that it can be exhausting to try to fix people. I’m not sure it works out always either!! (just my own take).

    I love this line of yours –
    ‘Yesterday, accusations of possessing a heart composed of ice were flung at me’

    Your creativity is boundless and I can’t wait to see where you go in 2015 with your work.

    Happy New year!

    Like

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Hi Lita,
      Your honest and such thoughtful comments always put a huge smile on my face. Thank you for always being here for me and leaving your much appreciated feedback with me. It really makes my day! ❤

      And you are right, Trying to fix others is VERY exhausting and very rarely works but it's just the pull and attraction of fixing that always takes hold over any other thought. Which I know now I have to work on and let myself fix first.

      Once again thank you for sticking with me. I love reading your stories and the photographs you share with us all. Here's to another year of blogging and continued friendship! Cheers! XoXo

      Liked by 1 person

  8. charlypriest says:

    This was heart warming, so you do have a heart then.

    So yesterday you realise you can not fix people that it´s up to them to fix themselves? Well a bit late you came to that realisation but better late than never.

    And seems you can´t fix the world also right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      What heart? I don’t have a heart. I don’t know who wrote this post. Someone hacked my account apparently.

      And yes just as I’ve realized I can’t fix your hair for you! Too bad though you would have looked like Elvis. Just saying!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Tony Single says:

    I do enjoy reading your posts, Zee, so it has been no trouble to keep following throughout the year. I’m so pleased to have met such a kind, gentle soul. Long may you keep blogging, my friend, and please PLEASE be kind to yourself, okay? 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Tony!! Thank you thank you for leaving me with such a heartfelt note. I’m so so glad I found you in this corner of the Internet. I truly value you being a part of my community here ❤

      I'll try my best to make this year a good one and heal. I wish the very same to you. Cheers to making this new year a better one for both of us! \o/

      Hope you had a peaceful New year's Eve and enjoyed some too ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Aah the world would be a much better place if everybody was just a bit more considerate about others. Thank you so much for giving my post a read. I really appreciate the comment.

      Happy New Year to you too. Sending good vibes your way ❤

      Like

  10. Akhiz says:

    there are so many things in my mind that i want to say but dont know how to put them into words, but you, you have a natural gift of it, expression comes to you like a flamboyant stroke of Picasso’s master piece or that sublime note hit by a guitar virtuoso…. yes i read it with a coffee cup in hand which i totally forgot to drink while reading 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Ah if only that was true ! Most of the article was actually written by Ramisa as I mentioned I just took the liberty to share it with some of my own ting and spice in the beginning and end 😀

      Thank you so much for giving this a read Akhiz. Hope your New Year Eve was spent with a hot cup of coffee that you actually drank this time around 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  11. trentpmcd says:

    Happy New Year, Zee! I hope 2015 is Great year for you, allowing you to become “unbroken”. Empathy is a great gift and the main thing that holds our society together. But there are two sides of empathy – we hurt when others hurt, yes, but we need to be happy when others are happy. Look around you – even the poorest, most downtrodden person knows happiness. We need to drink it in to make ourselves stronger so we can turn around and share it with others. And yes, about 25,000 times this year you made someone in one of 137 countries smile.

    So happy New Year, Zee. And Ramisa: thanks for giving Zee the words to express herself!

    Like

    • lifeconfusions says:

      Cheers Guapo!! Hope the new year brings peace and glad tidings to us all ! ❤

      Thank you for being one of my first ever reader of my blog and still being here with me as a source of constant support and appreciation. I value your friendship more than you know. Lots of love your way,
      Zee ❤

      Like

  12. trablog says:

    Sorry, I don’t deserve your special thanks 😉 It was a pleasure meeting you in this part of the internet. You definitely brightened up my blogging day with your lovely comments packed with humour. Thank you for your support even during busy semester days 😀
    wishing you a very happy, eventful, amazing year ahead 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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