Brace yourselves peeps this is going to be a long one, I urge you guys to get a warm cup of coffee, put your feet up on the table and read away (An end of the year post is bound to get a bit long so just this once please give me a free pass) ! ❤
I’d been thinking of writing an end of the year post for a while now, You can say kinda like New Year’s Resolution but every time I sat to write I couldn’t find the right words to describe how I’d been feeling throughout this past year and what I wanted to say at the moment. I just couldn’t find the words to say it all, describe how and what I wanted to say. A few days ago I was going through blogs in my reader as I usually do and I came across this fabulous post by Ramisa and I instantly knew ! I KNEW THIS WAS IT. This was everything I ever wanted to say about myself but could never summon enough strength to write this beautifully and accurately. It was quiet scary to see how true it all settled with me. Every single line is a reflection of me, mirroring my thoughts. If I could I would try to prove that somehow Ramisa has these mind-reading capabilities and she somehow got into my mind at night as I was in deep slumber and stole my thoughts but I can’t prove it (Some day Ramisa someday! 😉 Haha 😀 )
As a little introduction to Ramisa, Here is an excerpt from her About page:
“I love fluffy rabbits that walk around with cute backpacks and have an obsession with cookies-and-cream ice-cream. I love talking to people and simultaneously I appreciate being alone. A bibliophile at heart, an appreciator of technology and of food, I aspire to accomplish the (sadly) impossible goal of hugging every rabbit on this planet. But that won’t stop me from trying.”
See how adorable she is along with being an incredible writer??! What are you waiting for people? Go on, hop over to her blog, read more of her About page, discover more of her awesome posts and say Hi.
Now enough with the small talk, let’s cut to the chase, With her due permission I’m sharing this post today on my blog. A huge thanks to Ramisa for letting me publish it here as a way to express myself.
Broken [adj.] having given up all hope; despairing.
Yesterday, sunlight streamed through my windows and onto my large cup of tea, which I sipped serenely. Light reflected off every wall, warmed the beige curtains and my relaxed cheeks, evolving me into a cocoon akin to wrapping myself in blankets on a winter’s night. But then, I remembered –the raspy bitterness, unbearable pain and acute hopelessness of those surrounding me; streaks of black staining their cheeks with their innermost confessions, laced with gritted teeth and wide eyes. Butterflies barged against my ribcage relentlessly, the sweetness of the tea with two-spoons-of-sugar subsiding, sunlight no longer comforting.
Yesterday, accusations of possessing a heart composed of ice were flung at me. While my mother passionately wept for lost souls on news reports, I viewed them as mere numbers; a fact I had no capacity of changing, and should therefore ignore. This apathy defined my character. Maybe this was the evident conclusion–perhaps there was, indeed, something uncanny about my heart and its persistent avoidance of emotions. It took this entire year to recognize the truth: I feel too deeply.
Yesterday, my soul gravitated towards broken people, or theirs to mine–whichever it is, I am not quite sure. I cut myself on their sharp pieces and tenderly stroked sore spots, letting their emotions gulf my own fragmented heart to dilute their emotions. Simultaneously, I verbalised the right words with honey-covered hope and sugary faith. But the emotions linger. Once they latched onto my heart, they had no intention of separating. Soon, this pain I absorbed becomes my own; scattered feelings prevent myself from functioning, often for multiple days in a row.
Yesterday, delusions of broken people preoccupied my time. Those who depicted the slightest trait of insecurity, lack of wholeheartedness or possessed evident fear received my attention and care. In the process, I became friends with mismatched personalities, recognizing only afterwards that our closeness was derived from my constant desire to fix them: I’d worry about their jagged pieces, uncover methods to assist the mending, and in essence, lose myself in them. With time, they piece themselves together and finally acknowledge the light once again; meanwhile, their darkness has suffocated me.
Yesterday, I realized that my ethereal gravitation towards broken people reveals a great amount about myself: this constant desire to help others offers distraction from my own problems. Amidst being preoccupied with issues beyond myself and responsibility, I neglect my own brokenness. Perhaps the reason behind my attraction to shattered pieces is to fill the void within myself –one, I recently found, cannot be mended with anything else except self-love.
Yesterday, I learnt one thing: you cannot fix people. They need to fix themselves. But you can love them dearly and accept them for who they are, including their shattered pieces.
Yesterday, I was broken, caught in a desperate routine of fixing surrounding people to avoid personal issues, allowing darkness to overshadow glimpses of light on my cheeks. I did not deserve sunlight –or so I felt. My only happiness was derived from other smiles, temporarily masking the emptiness within myself, before eventually crackling to dust; these short-lived bursts of happiness were never permanent.
Today, I am not quite healed, but I accept the sunlight warming my cheeks. Whether I’m worthy of this profound light, or if darkness is more suitable no longer poses a question. Tenderness settles within the environment, the mirror, and the light. I drink my tea in serenity without my mind inexplicably venturing through an interminable tunnel with no exit.
Tomorrow, I will love myself unconditionally, wholeheartedly, and offer the same acceptance to those around me. Although I will never stop empathizing with others –while I initially considered this trait a curse, I’ve recently acknowledged it as a beautiful gift–the constant need to fix them would fade. I will embrace every shower of light, perceiving the brilliance as a reflection of myself.
The only person I can fix is myself; little by little, the light will become my essence, my definition.
Last but by no means least, The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 25,000 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 9 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.
I would personally like to thank each and everyone of you for sticking with me throughout this year, through thick and thins by which I mean my numerous hiatuses, weird tantrums and posts. There are awesome people who have become more than just bloggers, they are a part of my virtual community and friendships that I hold very dear to my heart.
Wish you all a Happy New Year. Cheers to another year of blogging and hopefully many more. ❤
Lots of love and Good vibes your way,
(P.S A special special thanks to those people who didn’t fall asleep while reading this post and didn’t skim through it either. A big bear hug to y’all! And to people who snoozed away while reading it, I’d still give you credit for at least trying, so an A for effort! )