Oh I Miss you So So Much…

I don’t know why I was reminded of her today. Her beautiful face I’d barely seen twice in those 6 months. That day when I held her in my arms for the first time. So fragile, so small, so tiny. In my warm embrace, I was so afraid that she will fall from my arms. I think it was the first time I held a child like that in my arms. My own blood.

I regret it every single day, I regret that I didn’t get to see her many times, that I didn’t get to hold her, play with her, dress her. Missed her laughs, her cry. If I had known that we would lose her after just six months I would have never let her go. I would have never let the family troubles get between us. Only if I had known…

The day when we came to know that she was born, my parents asked my younger brother and I to go visit them despite of everything. So we did. I remember waiting outside in the reception then going up the stairs and then seeing her for the first time. My brother’s daughter. I was an aunt at last. I had a niece, wow ! The first time they put her in my arms. I was in awe of her tininess, her round face and big nose. Just like her dad and mother. Sleeping peacefully. On my way back I thought to myself I have a whole life with her. Differences will work out. We’ll be fine eventually…For the next six months I got to see her only twice, once when she was born and the other time when she came to visit us at our home. Even that for a little while. And that’s it.

I clearly remember the day when I got the news. The day my dad came to pick me up from University out of the blue (Rest In Peace: Part 1) (Peace Of The Present Moment (Rest In peace: Part 2). The moment I read the text in my mobile phone as I sat in the car. All the way back as I watched the sunset I couldn’t comprehend.

I was supposed to be her favorite one and only Aunt. I was supposed to spoil her, teach her crazy stuff. I was supposed to have more time with her. A whole life time worth. I’m not a kids person, I admit that publicly but blood is an attraction that melts that iciest of hearts. I wish she was here. Sometimes I think maybe its a good thing I didn’t get to spend that much time with her because the closest I would have gotten more hurt I would have been. Maybe just maybe it was for good. But a part of me always wishes to have spent more time with her. If only…I had known I had only 6 months…if Only.

Oh I miss you so so much…

In response to Daily Prompt
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38 thoughts on “Oh I Miss you So So Much…

  1. jessannseq says:

    It must have been terrible Zee.I can only imagine how you must have felt.She is definitely in a better place.After all children are like angels sent down.You inspire me by the way you deal with things so maturely, 🙂

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  2. ascrapbookdiva says:

    Thank you so much for your post. It is so important for us to continue to express our feelings and find support that we need. My Mother passed away 1.5 years ago. It has been up and down. I know she is in Heaven in the hands of the Lord doing His work yet I also miss her terribly. Such an oxy-moron. Im happy yet sad. Like so many others have expressed. If you haven’t been there you cannot understand. Its okay just the way it is. Thank you for sharing your truth. Im excited to continue to follow you as you express yourself so well. I just pray that I can do the same on my Blog.

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  3. Akhiz says:

    Only those who go through this and who lose a blood relation know what they go through, people can just give their condolences but they cannot imagine or live those moments and feelings that the person goes through when he/she loses a loved one, reading this reminded me of my elder first cousin who left us in 2008, she was only 25, our families lost touch form 96 to 2005. She had a brain hemorrhage suddenly one day at her university and then after 9 months of remaining in coma she left us. I don’t have an elder sister and I have other elder cousins but she was the one whom I regarded as my sister, my big sister, she was the kindest the most gentlest soul on the planet, before 96 we call cousins played and spent time together every other week but then there was this huge gap for which we often wondered why was it, that we all are meeting after so many years. And I only got to meet her only 2, 3 times in those 3 years. I miss my sister, I miss her so much, she left us so early even before her little brother got to say and share with her so many things. But when I read you perspective that maybe it’s good that you didn’t get much time to spend together because closest you would have gotten more hurt you would have been and I think maybe that’s why we didn’t got a chance to meet for so long. God works in mysterious ways Zee and never gives us burdens that exceed our capacity to bear. My sincere condolences on the loss of your niece. May they both Rest in Peace, Amen.

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      Ameen. Thank you Akhiz for sharing your story with me. I can totally relate with families drifting apart, mostly because of the disagreements between elders, and kids suffer because of that too. There have been so so many instances where it happened to me. Kids should never be let to suffer cuz of adult problems is what I believe. This world is already filled with so much hate and loathing, it depressed me sometimes.

      You cousin sounds like such an angel, I’m sure she is in the best place. We all have to go one day. May Allah help us all. Ameen.

      Thank you for your kind words, you are right Allah never gives us burdens that exceed our capacity to bear. As always thanks for reaching out to me. Hugely appreciated ❤

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  4. wannabepoet says:

    I am so so sorry for the pain and heartache that you have felt. I didn’t know that you had gone through such a heartbreaking time. As a mother of 1 (soon to be 3) I don’t know what I’d do in that situation. I can’t even comprehend it.

    Thank-you for sharing this raw, heartfelt, genuine piece. I went and read the 2 posts that you linked to and I just don’t have any words that would properly do them justice.

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      I can never wish upon that feeling on anyone. I pray that no one gets to go through it. Thank you so much for your kind words, you don’t have to say anything else I know we run out of words to say in these situations. You kindness is more than appreciated ❤

      Hope the twins are healthy, a bit of jumping about here and there now? 🙂

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  5. loupmojo says:

    At least you did get to spend time with her, even if it was not as much as you wished, and you have those beautiful memories for when you miss her most. You wrote this with great poignancy.

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  6. weight2lose2013 says:

    One from the heart. So, so sad, Zee. Yes, blood melts ice from the heart and creates a bond like no other. I think that the lament “if I only had known” rings true for so many of us. That’s what makes each day that we live so precious.

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      Yes all we are left at the end of the day is ‘If only I had known’ and it’s not a good feeling. So yeah we have to learn to cherish every present moment and as you said consider it precious. Thanks Rob.

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