“Until you let someone in, You’ll always be alone”
I read this line as I was scrolling down my news-feed on Facebook. And it made me realize a huge part of what I’ve been going through for the past few months. I’ve never felt alone in my life before until the past few months. Even though I have always been alone, in a way that I had no sister, my brothers were too old, my both parents had a job So I’ve been used to spending time alone and I never minded that. I never remember being bored, I was happy spending time alone. To be honest I found people who ranted “Oh I feel alone” a little too annoying. I never understood the concept of it. But for the first time in my life when I felt alone, I couldn’t comprehend how could it be?
Me? I’m not suppose to feel that way? I was very naive of that feeling. Now that I think about it I felt that way because I was really in a bad place and I needed someone. I’ve never felt the NEED to need someone before, Do you get it? For the first time in my life I actually needed someone….but no one was there. Either it was lack of my inability to express or it was other people, I felt alone nevertheless. I had to deal with all of that pain and depression alone. Believe me when I tell you HOW BADLY I needed someone to give me a shoulder, tell me not to cry, to tell me that everything’s going to be alright or to just sit with me when I cried bucket of tears holding me in their embrace. The only person I found who was there for me…was ME.
After all that depression, I felt bare and sensitive so I needed someone but nobody was there so it pushed me farther into the deep pit of loneliness.I felt disappointed with people. All of them whom I called friends were just not…there. They didn’t give a shit.
I had to save myself, I was done feeling sorry for myself, I was done being a damsel in distress so I dealt with it the only way I could, The only way I found would work. I distanced myself away from people. Because nothing good comes out of expectations. I expected and I was let down. So NO MORE!
This is my motto now a days. I have successfully distanced myself away from people…at least emotionally. I have literally shut myself off sensitivity wise. Don’t worry it’s not in a creepy, boxed-myself-in-a-corner-of-my-room-and-started-wearing-black-and-heavy makeup-listening-to-shitty-music kind of way !
I just try not to feel anymore. The lesser I connect emotionally with people the lesser chance of getting hurt by them.
So coming to the reading that line about letting someone in, I agree with it. I do. Wholeheartedly. But I haven’t found someone worth letting in, That is the problem. Every time I try, I get knocked down with a punch of disappointment. So until I find that someone, Here’s to being alone !