Breakdown

Daily Prompt: Breakdown
http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/daily-prompt-broken/

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Very rarely in my life did I have any kind of breakdown.
Growing up, I was raised in what you can call a dysfunctional family. Don’t get me wrong, I’m blessed to have such a great family in form of a mother, father and brothers. They are the best mom, dad and brothers one can ask for and I’m thankful to God for that. But somehow collectively, when it comes to living together we always had fights. Disagreements between mother and father, mother and brothers, brother and brother, father and brother and I was always a silent spectator to all that shit.

All I remember from my childhood is crying in the corner and witnessing the fights between them. I don’t know why we could never work out together as a family because in person all of my family members are great.

Anyways, as I was a witness to all kind of fights from the childhood, I learned to suck it up. I doesn’t mean it didn’t affect me, it has scarred me for life but I wasn’t really vocal about it.

There are only two times I can recall, when I totally LOST IT !
One time was when there was a fight between my mom and my brother. It went so far as from verbally to hitting each other. I was probably 16 then, after we were able to get them off each other, I lost it. I said things to my mom, I said things to my brother, I threw off the muffler scarf I was wearing around my neck to the ground and said I was sick of this shit, tears rolling down my face. I don’t remember all the things I said as I was out of my mind. And I strode off to my bedroom crying. (why I call it a breakdown, mind you, is because I cried in front of my family, which I never do, yes I cry about each and everything but never in front of them. They think everything is fucking fine inside of my freaking head)

The second time was more recently. About a month ago I guess. It lasted for almost a whole week. The trigger for this breakdown was a fight with my mom. I cried so much, about every little thing that happened to me since my childhood to this day. I guess I was mourning in a way. I won’t say this was a closure to all the shit but it was SOMETHING. I remembered every single thing and cried for it and Just kept crying until I was tired of crying.
After 4 or 5 days of continuous crying, I guess I kind of ran out of tears and that was it.

Nobody knew about it. Nobody knows about it. And nobody ever will.

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47 thoughts on “Breakdown

  1. rommel says:

    You all fight because clearly you all are concerned and cared for each other. There is a problem when a family don’t verbalize their issue with each other, so don’t feel too bad about how your family works.

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  2. jq1317 says:

    I love reading this. NOT because you are hurting or had a rough childhood! but because i came form a somewhat similar background. A great family, yet so dysfunctional it’s left me with scars and issues I’m just now starting to deal with and learn about myself. I never thought that my life or family was ‘dysfunctional’. Fighting, yelling, screaming, threats, and my mother using me as an emotional crutch since I was a toddler (maybe even before). It was all just normal to me. Until I started witnessing more of how other families and people function I thought that was just how families were. With the help of my husband, who came form a wonderful and healthy family, I have started to realize how much my childhood effected me and how screwed up it really was. I don’t use it as an excuse for anything, I believe we are all responsible for bettering ourselves as we mature, but it can be difficult to learn and realize these things about your life and yourself. Thanks for opening up on here and posting this! It is comforting to know you’re “not the only one”.

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      Hey Jq Thank you for understanding.
      I’m sorry to hear that you had to go through all that. You probably had worse than me. But I’m glad you are okay now and trying to fight your past demons.
      I hope one day I come to terms with my problems too but I just don’t have time to focus on them right now.
      Thank you so much for taking time to read, comment and most importantly connect ! 🙂

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  3. Shortter says:

    I’m sorry for what you had to go through. But know that every family has its ups and downs. Also, those circumstances have probably made you a better person. I believe everything happens for a reason, and even if things are tough, you are fully capable of moving forward and making a better life for yourself. Don’t let anything weigh you down. There’s always happier days to come 🙂
    I may not have felt the level of sadness you have felt, but I have gone through a pretty rough time in my life, and I’m learning to take things as they come, and not let the past weigh me down.
    Hope things get better soon 🙂

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      Yea that is true, the circumstances have molded me into being a better person and I agree with everything you said like “everything happens for a reason”. Its kind of my mantra. but you know their are some hard days when its all too much to bear and I cant help but be a little disappointed. But as you said its alright, happier days will come.

      Thank you so much for making me feel better. I hope you are doing fine as well 🙂

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  5. Subhabrata Dasgupta says:

    Sorry for your experience. You cannot get back your childhood by any means, but the positives of having a scarred childhood are overwhelming (I’m talking from experience here).

    The child in you will find moments to be a child again, trying to compensate for lost time. You may find yourself becoming a child with children around! Other adults may not find it as easy to let go. You’ll be a great parent, taking every care in the world to provide your little ones the ideal atmosphere. 🙂 🙂

    Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
    Best,
    Subh.

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  6. Harsha says:

    This is the Part of life..You fight,you Cry and the you move on…Remember..life teaches us many things and there is no greatest teacher than life..If you don’t see the darker side you would never know the brighter side.. 😀

    Problems exist in each and every family but on top of that the family who overcome problems and live as a whole is a true family.. 😀
    And life is all about ups and downs and they do teach us something at each and every step…So be Good Learner and Learn what difficult time teaches you in Life.. 😀

    Wish a life full of Happiness for You..may God bless you.. 😀 😀

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      Yeah, rightly said Harsha. Thanks for the advice. I try to let these experiences make me a better person. But I do get tired of all the shit at times. Human nature I guess.

      Well, thanks anyways for the support and love ! 🙂

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  7. Cat says:

    I’m very hardened to tears, but ocassionally, I will break down and cry at the least little thing for days. I’ve noted the episodes are normally following anxiety, depression and my constant ruminating. I personally believe that the tears are a part of our healing; it almost feel as if something is coming to an end….

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  8. randomlyabstract says:

    Um okay, wait. Don’t cry again.
    I do get it, I understand how it must have been, but a family is about ups and downs and how one copes up with them all.
    I know how hard it is to HIDE when the most you want is to SHOW, and to silently sob in a cornered room for until you get ‘tired of tears’. But then.. individually they all care. Anger is something that doesn’t leave anybody, which is why it is termed ‘haraam’.
    I have no idea what I am already saying, and what I should be saying.
    But I really want to share something I wrote on a crushed paper and pasted it in my diary:

    “Olive is crushed to make the best oils. Grapes are squeezed to make the finest wines.
    Roses are pressed to make the most fragrant perfumes. Have you been crushed, squeezed and pressed by life’s trials and difficulties?
    Be glad…”
    – Heiralchy

    Love,
    Maria.

    Like

  9. Annmarie says:

    I am so sorry to hear of everything you have been through, I just want to give you a *HUG* I know there is nothing you can do to erase what has happened, so I will just say, You are a very sweet girl and I know you will have a wonderful happy life, so when you are feeling down remember there are many wonderful things in store for you in the future, and may you find happiness, peace and joy!!! and a wonderful life is waiting for you! ❤

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