A Battle With Myself

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As i stood in my bathroom holding the blade in my hand, turning it over and over again between my fingers, occasionally glancing at my reflection in the mirror, the person who was staring back at me wasn’t really…ME.
Because ME-the old me would have never even thought about doing something like that. The old me found it disgusting and messed up. Then how…why did i come to this?

It wasn’t like i was going to suicide or something, i just wanted to cut a little, see a little blood come pouring out of it and maybe the pain of that will overcome the pain i was feeling due to messed up events in my life. I just wanted  to stop that pain by inflicting myself with the other kind of pain because it was getting too hard for me to bear.

I’ve been through a lot in my life, I’ve spent most of my childhood crying , at least thats the only thing i remember of it. Its not like i haven’t seen any happiness in my life at all. I’ve been blessed with so many things but problems have always been part of my life as well and they still are. I guess i am just tired now. In most real and literal sense, TIRED !
I just want PEACE in my life, i want all the shit to be over. i have reached my breaking point. i can’t….i can’t suffer anymore. Its too much to bear.

Holding the blade in between my fingers i started to contemplate if i really wanted to do this…to be honest i started to wonder if i actually had the courage to do this. I pressed the blade just a little on my arm, not too hard. Pressed again and again. No blood came out.

Then i realized…i was afraid to do it….i wasn’t strong enough….my will power wasn’t that strong….i was a coward…wasn’t i ?

I just couldn’t bring myself to harm myself. So, I put the blade back where it belonged not leaving any evidence of me touching it.

Held the washbasin tightly with both hands, bowed my head down and cried. I just kept crying, crying and crying  for everything that happened to me since my childhood up until now. I prayed as i cried.
Prayed for forgiveness, prayed for tranquility, prayed for inner peace and calmness and put everything in HIS hands.

Washed my face and came out of the bathroom like nothing out of ordinary happened in there.  And waited for my faith to set in again as I seem to have run out of it for some time now.

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25 thoughts on “A Battle With Myself

  1. Pingback: The Whole Story |
  2. Ms. Vee says:

    This is very heart-felt. It must have been difficult for you to share. You weren’t a coward by any means. It took courage, wisdom, and faith not to harm yourself. Keep the faith, and you will find the peace that you seek. God bless you!

    Like

  3. Joy is now says:

    I went through with it. A cross on my hand but just the once when I was 14. A blogger I follow called moms-opinions (i think) says it is sadly now quite common in 12 year olds!! 😦

    Like

  4. Joy Aisthorpe says:

    Not a coward at all- while I was reading, I saw someone who wanted to take care of herself and that takes courage. Being HONEST and seeing things clearly about who we are and WHY we are who we are- that requires insight- a very positive attribute.
    I don’t know what your life experience has exactly been like, but by your writing you have endured a lot of pain and heartache. You acknowledge it, and seems as if you want something better for yourself. That takes courage. Sometimes pain is overwhelming and familiar, while living peaceful with ourselves may be difficult because its unfamiliar, or maybe the pain and memories overwhelm. But each choice in the peaceful direction (putting away the knife) is a way to love ourselves and make something better. It can be lonely sometimes, I know. However, I am glad you choose not to harm yourself. You are worthy of the care you showed yourself during that difficult time! Bless You!

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    • lifeconfusions says:

      Thank you so much for your inspirational words. I am really honored by them.
      I’m glad that you understood what i was and am going through.
      Your support and love means a lot to me.
      I’m usually not like that but that day the pain was too much to bear and I’m happy today that i didn’t do it.
      Thank you again for every thing you just said 🙂

      Like

  5. lifeconfusions says:

    Oh my, Thank you so much for your inspiring words. They meant a lot to me.
    I really appreciate your time. I’ll take everything you said to my heart. And i am glad too that i didn’t do it, i just had a moment of discretion.
    Thanks again for the support and love.

    Like

  6. coastalmom says:

    What a powerful writer you are! You are not a coward but very brave to share your feelings. I am glad you have the passion to write. It is a gift from God He gives to those who I feel have a message. You my dear, are not a coward! You are very brave to share your stories of pain and joy. Someday I promise you will look back and be so grateful to have these accounts of your life and how far you have come… how you have reached goals you never thought possible and it will all be like a map you look back upon! May God bless your journey! (I am glad you put the blade away!)

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  7. DarkOne says:

    I can totally relate to this, I have never picked up a blade but the though has crossed my mind before and usually when I think I have resolved myself to just saying fuck everything I turn around and write something instead. For whatever reason even it seems to balance me for a while.

    Like

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