This is as beautiful as it can ever get. Take notes:
Can you love a sad girl? I mean maybe you can but do you really know how? It’s easy to love her all smiling, positive and supportive. When she talks about the sun and moon and stars, how they shine and how beautiful they are. When she talks about the beautiful colour of the ocean and the limitless sky, the chirping birds and wet grass. But that’s not really her. Deep inside, in all realness, she’s just a sad girl.
Would you know how to love her still when she decides to stop pretending? When she decides to take off that mask and leave it hanging at the door for good. When she decides it’s okay not to be okay. When she decides it’s okay to be that way. When she decides there is no other way she’d rather be. Would you still love her? I mean would you know how to love her? Would you be able to stand the melancholy in her eyes and her half hearted smile?
Love her not only when she talks about the colours of the ocean but the darkness in its depth- when the fears take over.
Love her not only when she talks about the limitless blue sky but the storm that accompanies it- the hurricane of her insecurities.
Love her not only when she talks about sun moon and the stars but when she’s a little too literally a black hole herself. A galaxy within a galaxy- a confusing state of complicated mess.
Love her when the stars in her eyes lose their shine, when you see her eyes hazy with fog and dew drops. When she can’t see anything else, make her see you. Let her know that you are still here. And that you’ll always be no matter what.
Love her like the sunset; you know it will disappear but you admire it nonetheless for as long as it lasts. Love her fiercely like the dying light of the orange sun; warm and burning.
Because it’s easy to love a girl that smiles. Anybody can do that for you. She will know your worth when you still keep loving her. Actually love her more, much more than before, especially when her smile has faded among the deathly hollows of her sorrow.
So tell me can you love a sad girl ? Do you know how?
She holds my heart in her hands and we sit to talk. I need to feel warm and she needs to feel safe. We are quiet at the moment but stars speak. Her eyes glisten like emeralds as she flips and turns my heart in her hands carefully examining it. And I’m surprised how there isn’t even one moment of fear that crosses my mind that she might drop it. Because I know with surety she won’t.
I have never been as sure about anything in my life as I am about her. I am actually glad she has my heart in her hands because I fear it’s her touch that keeps it beating. Without her love, there will be just colourless voids and a heart that keeps forgetting to beat.
So we sat to talk. We should have talked. We could have talked. But we didn’t. Instead we just lay together staring into infinite space that looked nothing less than pure magic. I wanted her to tell me things, anything. Lot of things. Everything. Just hear her speak. But her eyes were too loud for me to hear anything else at that moment. So I stared at her while she stared at the stars.
I didn’t want us to be mere accident like something that just happens one day unexpectedly. I wanted us to be on purpose- that just has to be for a reason. I wanted to love her on purpose and not like an accident.
She was a calm whisper in a world that was too loud. And although she was a chaos herself, I knew she could calm the storm within me.
She broke her eye contact with the stars and looked at me. And all it took was flash of a second, for me to know; I’d be a fool to let her go. Because she needed me as much as I needed her. And together, we were going to heal and glue back together our broken pieces.
It has always been her and me.
All those empty cervixes inside us that echoed with scars that still bled and thunders that still ripped us apart from time to time. It has always been her and me. And we, together, were going to heal.
Hence, she holds my heart in her hands to keep it beating, while I hold her close so she can breathe easy. I’m never leaving her side nor she needs to fall because she’s already safe in my arms. She doesn’t need to break herself anymore to prove anything.
I’m sure now, it has always been; her and me. And there is no way I’d rather have it be.
I looked at her as a tide rose in her eyes. She quickly looked down at her hands trying to hide it. I called her by name, holding her chin between my fingers.
She lifted up her head but her eyes betrayed her this time and tears came running down her cheeks. Like a flood which had been kept blocked for far too long, finally broke looking for its much awaited escape. Her tears spilling like rain drops on the palm of my hands.
It hit me, in the deepest part of my chest. Like her soul was being sliced open right in front of my eyes.
And In that moment, I wanted, I needed magic to exist. I wanted to let her know that happiness existed. I wanted her to know happiness and nothing else. For her to taste it on her tongue and breathe it in like air. I wanted her to smile at me with the laugh that sounded nothing less than poetry. To look at me with those bright eyes that made my stomach unfurl.
God, I couldn’t see her like that. She didn’t deserve this. Why did she have to suffer so much? In that moment in time, I had never wanted anything more in my life than for magic to exist.
I wanted, I needed her to know that I loved her. With all my heart and every ounce of strength, I would love her. Every second, every minute, every hour of the day. Till the end of times, I would love her. Till all she would know is my love. Till all that consumed her would be my love and not sadness, not pain, not suffering.
I wanted her to know I would love her even if the stars stopped shinning or the moon went dark or the sun lost it warmth. I would love her still…. with all my heart. Always.
She loved starting fires. Whether it was in the belly of lost men in pub at 2am or gentlemen in the park at 2pm. All she knew was of starting fires.
She was wilderness, an inhabitable Chappell. That played unheard choirs with symphonies that told stories of all those who once visited her. She left a trail of flame behind her every time she walked away from them. Her glow was a warmth those men couldn’t resist. Even though treading too close to her meant getting a burn or two but she loved starting fires and those men loved to be set ablaze. It was more or less a mutual consent. Except of course fire also means inevitable ashes. And it was mostly always her who was slowly being reduced to one. Her footsteps were an amalgam of her ashes; pieces of her that once were and spark; pieces that still held potential. You could say she was life and death both in one.
For those men, she was just a distraction from their old boring routines. Someone who made their stagnant hearts beat a little faster in the night and made them feel more than what their sorry lives made them feel in the morning. She resurrected them from mediocrities, made them feel alive in those moments in her embrace and company. She was never more than a woman who satiated their wildest fantasies and just that.
She too liked the way she made them feel. She was someone they would always remember, like a burn marred into their memory forever but never the one to spend the rest of their lives with. It was only fair, a fire like hers was never meant to be contained. A fire if kept too long would only incinerate and devour the one keeping her captive.
She was a flame meant to spread like wildfire; Velocious, devastating and resistant.
Like a tenacious unwavering inferno, that only knew of rage and annihilation.
Swallowing everything that came her way like smoke down the windpipe of an addict.
All she knew of was starting fires. And there is only so much fire those frightened men could take before they ran for the hills. Their coward faces hid under the mask of unproved bravery. She could only laugh at their stories. Those men….only used her as a lighter to ignite their fire, only to end up leaving her to melt other candles. That’s all they could do. Their cowardliness never allowed them to be anything more than that.
They were just scared gutless boys trapped under the skin of manlihood that asked of them nothing more than words and no action. But they carried the mark of bravery like they had earned it, with their puffed up chests pointing towards the sky dripping with smugness and arrogance. Their fragile egos tender and at-stake with everything said against their will. Their pride as easily bruised as their spineless existence- Condescending and conceited.
A mark of bravery they owned like a heirloom but never earned, not even close. So it was only fair when they ran the other way on the sight of fire which threatened their superiority. They were never the ones to fight in the battle field but the ones to flee from it at the first sign of danger and gunfire. Ducking their heads like nothing will ever hurt them if they didn’t look and kept walking. Those men only knew how to save themselves and they were good at it.
Nobody really knew the potential her fire contained. She might have burned a man or two but she scalded herself just the same. Her fire only flamed higher and higher until it reached the blue sky and made it red. Until the sky too caught her fire and rained flames.
She will touch you with fingers so cold you will wonder why ice wasn’t named after her yet she will set your skin ablaze. She will look at you like art piece. Analyze every crease on your face when you laugh and every grimace when something displeases you.
She will look at you like a path that keeps unfolding and she’s treading blind. Oblivious of what’s to come but woefully expectant of what’s ahead. She will explore you. She will show you what’s its like to be loved as a poet loves its poem.
And believe me, she will love you like a poem.
She’s the type to turn you into poetry.
She will see into your eyes and imagine a thousand stars bursting; into dreams that are made up of all that you are, all that you were and all that you are suppose to be. She will consider you a galaxy with shooting stars and meteor showers.
You will tell her things and she will listen to you. And she will stare at you until you tell her how her gaze is so unnerving. But she’s only looking at you like words that are left unsaid because nobody has been courageous enough to write them down on paper yet. Because those are the words not everybody can imagine writing every day.
So she will love you like a poet but you will have to love her back like a poem; gently, kindly and courageously. For a broken heart might shoot ink into her veins but it will kill a part of her, that she will never be able to recover again.
People like her lose their pieces one by one until one day they find themselves empty. After all there is a reason, why poets die young.
How do you sleep with regrets tucked under your pillow?
With its heaviness holding your eyelids down not to sleep; but to punish with remorse.
How do you feel when affliction of your actions take hold of your throat one by one; choking you until you can’t breathe.
How do you feel, tell me how do you feel ? Can you sleep? Can you breathe? Do you have peace?
Do you feel your chest getting crushed under the weigh of it all? Your rib cage tightening, constricting your windpipe. Your heart caving in on itself. Do your lungs comply? Or have they betrayed you too like you betrayed me?
How does it feel, tell me how does it feel? Does your heart beats? And if it beats does it lunges in longing? Does it lunges enough to thump through your chest wall, break bones like you broke me?
Can you get out of bed? And if you can, do your legs carry you far enough to run from the carnage- blood and guts and slaying. Is your jar of hearts finally filled to the brim? Is it spilling? If not, do you need more still? How many more to satiate your thirst for hearts? Tell me.
Do you apologize? Tell me have you said sorry? And if you have, does it changes anything? Does it fix the slew of arteries you ripped apart and countless veins you left to bleed?
Do you feel guilt? And if you do, is it eating you alive the same way you swallowed me? Took my existence from me. Stole me from me. Do you even feel like a thief?
Or, do you hush the voices in your head every night,
Lay your remorses to rest along with the corpses of all those you have murdered,
and go peacefully to sleep?
I’m not dead.
Yes you heard that right. This is the real Zee speaking, in flesh and bone. I know I’ve been super MIA, complete radio-silence but that was need of the time. By now you all must be like “yeah yeah we’ve heard it all before.” I know I keep disappearing. Can I be forgiven?
I’m not a efficient multi-tasker. I’ve a hard time focusing on more than few things at once. And I lose focus real soon. So it’s a neccissity I prioritize the most important tasks in hand which is my studies especially cuz it’s my last year (yes I’ll be graduating soon, all grown up and shit) and I really really needed to take care of myself (the success of which is debatable but you win some you lose some).
And in the meantime I have been left with some questionable choices. It isn’t that I regret certain things happening but I regret them happening in infinite loops, over and over again. I was naive enough to never take off my rose tinted glasses and see people for who they really were, to see reality for what it was. At this point I cannot say that I’m okay with the choices I made because I’m not. I want to call them mistakes but a mistake stops being a mistake if you keep making it, it becomes a choice sadly. And I wish I had made better choices. My failure to see reality pushed me deeper into this illusion that people can change. The fantasy in my head drove me into a constant cycle of hurt and pain. The bottom line is; If people show you their true colors, believe them the very first time around. Do not go flipping them around trying to find something that isn’t there. Because you will only end up wasting your time, energy and effort on someone who doesn’t deserve it.
At some instances I feel like nothing but a fool trusting some people and never questioning their sincerity with me, not even for a fleeting moment. It is quiet handy to be skeptical at times especially when it comes to issues of trust, a lesson I learned a little too late. But oh well, nobody said life was all rainbows and roses. Sometimes you have to swallow the bitter pill no matter how hard it is to get past your throat to cleanse the toxicity eating you alive from the inside.
As for personal health, as much as I wanted to improve it during this break, it only went downhill. It had a lot to do with my beyond hectic routine of traveling and not getting enough sleep and a little too much stress. I don’t know which was greater the mental strain or the physical one. For starters I lost 12lbs during the course of 3 weeks last month. Which was very alarming because as much as it is hard to believe, my weight has been absolute constant since 8th grade, which is like since past 10 years. Nothing made it increase or decrease. It only fluctuated 1 or 2lbs give or take, no matter what. But this drastic loss really set me back considering I was actually trying to gain weight. I didn’t even notice I had lost this much weight until I got so weak that I couldn’t even sit straight without support to my back and people started asking me if I was sick cuz I looked too frail and weak. Then it occurred to me to check my weight and there it was, 12lbs down. So I’m gonna try to gain weight during this semester break. Keeping my fingers crossed ! And don’t even get me started on my bad skin, UGH.
As for my writing journey, I have stopped writing for most part. At least I don’t write the same way I used to or as frequently. So I will probably not be posting a lot but I will remain active here. Catching up with ya’all nevertheless. I will however be posting on my blog’s official instagram account on the daily basis. So if you aren’t already following me on my account, please join me! We shall have a good time ( and there will be free marshmallows and a chocolate fountain waiting as a token of my appreciation so cmon cmon grab yourself a party hat and join in xD)
Here’s the link— https://www.instagram.com/lifeconfusions_zee/
That’s pretty much it from my side now, so Enough about me. TELL ME HOW YOU ALL ARE? Let’s have a chat in the comment section below. I wanna know how life’s been treating you?